Cutting off adult children

[NW-Bound]

... I get nervous about this - my kids have informed me they're never moving out...

Well, with good home cooking meals throughout the year, then long and free European vacation for the summer, your kids know when they have it good.

 

[Sunset]

I know of a fellow pretty old, who wanted to sell his house, but his 2 children made it difficult by not cooperating, leaving big messes, etc. The children were 45-55 yrs old !
The fellow eventually sold after more than a year, by dropping the price drastically. He moved out to an apartment for just him, and let the buyers chase out the kids.

Another very old guy has his 55-60 yr old son living at home last couple of decades. He seems pretty normal except has no friends, which is not surprising as all his buddies have families/jobs etc.

Get them out early, or you will have to move out instead.

 

[chris2008]

Do her a favor and talk with her about her financial responsibilities.
How much do you earn? What are your bills?
How much does she earn? What bills does she have?
Develop a step-by-step plan with her so that she takes over month by month more of her bills, FOOD AND RENT.

 

[utrecht]

Hermit, so glad I am not alone. Mead I agree that it is time to set firm rules.

I have created and fed this monster... I am very strong and firm with everyone but my children. I recognize it but I have a difficult time changing it.

Not to make excuses, but I am amazed at how many adult children are coddled these days. My significant other has a 35 year old that still occasionally asks (demands) his help. This was not the norm for me when growing up. My parents told me to hit the door at 18.


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How can you say you are amazed at how many adult children are coddled when you are the one coddling her? That's like Ray Rice complaining about how many guys hit their wives nowadays.

You say it was not the norm for adult children to be coddled when you grew up. All of this crap started with no spanking and everybody gets a trophy. Nobody wants to hurt anyone's feelings even when its for their own good. It may seem mean for your parents to boot you out at 18, but which way worked better? Your parents way or your way?

 

[MichaelB]

When I was 17 I couldn't wait to get out of my parent's house. I left for college, returned only for summers, refused to engage in any discussions about "house rules" and instead paid my room and board.

Kids today are no different. I don't think they remain with their parents out of filial obligation or affection, and it must dampen their lifestyle. It was easier a generation ago to start fresh and young. Some younger folk today may need a push, but more probably need some help getting out on their own.

My children stayed with us after college, through their mid-20's. We charged rent and had clear house rules. We didn't push them out but they were motivated to leave.

 

[aaronc879]

I assumed the daughter made near minimum wage. If she's making 700 a week or 2800 a month then she should be paying all her own expenses plus at least a little rent. Maybe charge 1/2 the going rate of a local 1 bedroom apartment. $700 a week is over $35K/yr which is a pretty solid income for a college drop out. No reason for her not to be paying her own way even if you just do it a little at a time. She wouldn't get a very good subsidy with that high of an income so I may keep her on my insurance but everything else should be up to her.

 

[Meadbh]

My parents were extremely supportive, and funded my education. The day I started my first real job my mother sat down with me to discuss the rent I would be paying from then on. I was proud to do so and it was good practice before moving out. I saved for a year to buy my first car, and got a no-interest loan from Mum and Dad for 25% of it, which I paid back within 6 months.

 

[pb4uski]

Ah, the memories come flooding back. We had similar issues with DS and have friends who have similar issues with their adult children. I sometimes wonder whether tough love is tougher on the parents than on the adult children.

Health insurance is the tough one in that in a sense it protects us as well as them in that if they had some illness and didn't have health insurance the reality is that we would pony up whatever it took rather than leave them without proper medical care. As a result, I was prepared to pay for DS health insurance if I needed to.

The car should be relatively straight forward. If it is your car, just take the keys if she refuses to pay the repairs and make her walk, bus or find another way to work. If it is her car, then let her settle it with the mechanic (if you authorized the work explain the situation to him and that she will be responsible for the bill even though you might ultimately have to pay it if she doesn't that you want her to work it out with him).

If she's working then she should be paying rent if she is living at home (and many would say she should be paying rent whether working or not). What we did with DS is we charged him $475/month... $400 was for rent and $75 was reimbursement for his car insurance which we paid because he was on our car policy while he lived at home. However, we told him the $400 would go into an "DS' Freedom Account" and he would get it back when he moved out. The bigger that account gets then the bigger the incentive for him to move out plus it was available to fund any initial apartment rental costs.

One friend had to eventually just kick her daughter out of the house in order to have her grow up.

 

[Mulligan]

Thank you everyone. To answer questions, my daughter is a nanny. Makes over 700 a week. I haven't asked into details of her income. She doesn't pay rent but I have not asked for rent either. She is pretty tidy so chores aren't an issue.

The car is in my name. I definitely think it is time to change this. Your input is appreciated. That "gift" will happen this week along with accompanied responsibility.

What hits home from the comments... Financial issues didn't bother me until she was no longer a student. I think I am bothered by the lack of a long term plan for her future. That is my issue I guess.

Time to set serious guidelines for both of us.




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Experiencing real life financial bills may force her to address along term plan for the future. A young adult living at home can live like a king on a minimum wage job as practically every dollar spent is pure discretionary. They are aware of that and who doesn't love to work where every penny can be spent on what you want not what you need,


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[REWahoo]

I hear all these stories and am thankful DW and I started to set expectations for our two children early in their lives. They were told (repeatedly) from middle school on that barring a medical emergency they would be on their own three months after graduating from college (or dropping out). Should they wish to continue living at home after that they would be expected to pay both rent and for their share of the grocery bill. And they knew we meant it.

Worked like a charm.

 

[rodi]

I hear all these stories and am thankful DW and I started to set expectations for our two children early in their lives. They were told (repeatedly) from middle school on that barring a medical emergency they would be on their own three months after graduating from college (or dropping out). Should they wish to continue living at home after that they would be expected to pay both rent and for their share of the grocery bill. And they knew we meant it.

Worked like a charm.

Note to self: Channel REWahoo to avoid this problem in my future.

 

[travelover]

I know of a fellow pretty old, who wanted to sell his house, but his 2 children made it difficult by not cooperating, leaving big messes, etc. The children were 45-55 yrs old !
The fellow eventually sold after more than a year, by dropping the price drastically. He moved out to an apartment for just him, and let the buyers chase out the kids.

Another very old guy has his 55-60 yr old son living at home last couple of decades. He seems pretty normal except has no friends, which is not surprising as all his buddies have families/jobs etc.

Get them out early, or you will have to move out instead.

My SIL is 55 and lives in the basement of her 86 year old mother. SIL is just waiting for MIL to die so she can move upstairs, take over the house and car. Unfortunately, she probably won't pay the taxes and will end up on the street.

Nip it in the bud!

 

[MRG]

I guess I'm the king of enablers, as I'm supporting a 26 year old daughter (with 2 little kids) with mental and physical issues. Fortunately she has an entrepreneurial spirit and comes up with her own spending money.

....snip...good stuff....

Things could be much worse, as she's not into illegal drugs, partying or drinking alcohol.
Dealing with bipolar children is tough, but she's improving. After all, it's all for the kids--not our daughter.

I don't consider that enabling. You're helping a sick child. I think that's admirable.

Never forget about all the very successful folks that have that disease. Ted Turner, Adam Ant, Dick Cavett, Mel Gibson..... some say Van Gogh and many others. Not saying it's easy but some have dealt with it and done well. Wish your DD all the best.

 

[daylatedollarshort]

Dealing with bipolar children is tough, but she's improving. After all, it's all for the kids--not our daughter.

I think it is great you are helping your daughter as well as grandkids. I don't think people choose to be bipolar any more than they choose to have diabetes. I just finished reading the book Incognito and it has been a real eye opener for me how much of our actions are controlled by brain functions outside of our conscious control.

 

[Hermit]

How can you say you are amazed at how many adult children are coddled when you are the one coddling her? That's like Ray Rice complaining about how many guys hit their wives nowadays.

You say it was not the norm for adult children to be coddled when you grew up. All of this crap started with no spanking and everybody gets a trophy. Nobody wants to hurt anyone's feelings even when its for their own good. It may seem mean for your parents to boot you out at 18, but which way worked better? Your parents way or your way?

utrecht,

I notice you did not note any experience in kicking children out at 18. So how many have you kicked out at 18 and how are they all doing?

If you read some of the other posts in this thread you will find multiple instances of people in their 50s and 60s living with parents. I don't think this is a new problem.

 

[utrecht]

utrecht,

I notice you did not note any experience in kicking children out at 18. So how many have you kicked out at 18 and how are they all doing?

If you read some of the other posts in this thread you will find multiple instances of people in their 50s and 60s living with parents. I don't think this is a new problem.

I moved out and got my first apt at 18. I was working at Highland Appliance which has since gone out of business but was similar to Best Buy. My son, who lived with his mother moved out of his mother's house at about 21. Neither or us went to college. I joined the Army a few yrs later and went on to become a police officer. My son started as a waiter and worked his way up and now is a manager of a Chili's.

I have a 16 year old son. We will see how that goes but I can tell you how it wont go. I'm not advocating flat out kicking a kid out at 18, but if the only choices were kick them out at 18 or let them sponge off you for an undetermined long time, I would choose kick them out at 18. Its much healthier for them long term in most cases.

 

[Sue J]

Have a discussion with your daughter about what it costs to live with you every month. Things like, this is what we pay for electricity, water, sewer and trash pickup. You are 1/3 of the household but you certainly don't use 1/3 of this, more like 1/5th. Your groceries may run about $750, for example, but that includes things besides food. How much of that do you feel you should contribute? 1/4 to 1/5 of that may make sense. Same for things like internet and tv service. Include all the things that she'd have to pay for if she moved out on her own.

 

[Philliefan33]

I agree with other posts. Have your daughter start paying for some of her expenses ( prescriptions and cell phone come to mind). Then wok with her on a plan to transition more financial burdens to her. Maybe something like "starting now you are responsible for X and Y. In two months you need to start paying Z."

Our DDs are 25 and 23 years old, and off our payroll. That helps in FIRE.

 

[redduck]

I don't consider that enabling. You're helping a sick child. I think that's admirable.

Never forget about all the very successful folks that have that disease. Ted Turner, Adam Ant, Dick Cavett, Mel Gibson..... some say Van Gogh and many others. Not saying it's easy but some have dealt with it and done well. Wish your DD all the best.

I, too, think it's admirable helping a sick adult child.

However, in the example above of those whom have done well, none of them are mothers with children. And, perhaps Mel Gibson and Van Gogh could have benefited from a bit more healthy parental guidance.

 

[John Galt III]

I was "nudged" out of the nest at age 21 after my parents paid for my liberal arts degree. I agreed reluctantly with them it was probably the right thing to do. The words "tough love" were actually used. But wow, what a "welcome to the jungle" experience it was for me.

 

[MRG]

OK add, Anna Marie Duke(Patty Duke) to the list. Carrie Fisher too.There's many more. Didn't mean to omit well known woman.

 

[redduck]

OK add, Anna Marie Duke(Patty Duke) to the list. Carrie Fisher too.There's many more. Didn't mean to omit well known woman.

OK, just don't do it again!

 

[Andre1969]

Patty Duke isn't bi-polar. She has multiple personality disorder

 

[Unpaintedhuffhines]

This is one of those situations that at face value is easy - kick 'em out! give them an ultimatum! But you are usually dealing with more issues than just this, plus they are your kids. It's difficult, I know.

We did a similar approach to several who have commented here - let them know early on that they'd be on their own after college. Once college was over, they were more than happy to move out on their own, primarily so that they'd be completely independent. To ease their transition, I did give them money for one of the biggest expenses - the first six months of car insurance (about $600), but I gave the money to them and made them write the check to the insurance company (so it 'felt' like they were paying it). Never looked back. Also told them about three months in advance when cell phones would switch over to them, and asked if they understood why we were doing it. All were fine. Two down, one to go when he graduates in December. Pay raise in 2016!

 

[HFWR]

I agree with the general sentiment of setting boundaries and expectations, though blanket statements about "kids" must come from folks with no/one kid, because anyone with multiples would soon determine that they all have different personalities, and can't effectively be treated exactly the same...