Financial assistance for the in-laws?

[Franklin]

My FIL and MIL have just turned 79 and are slowing down considerably. FIL still works and says he will till he drops. They are quite nice people but have never been any good with money issues. Their net worth is negative, most of their excess cash flow goes to past taxes or CC interest and there are no retirement funds. They barely make it from one SS check to the next. They have 4 adult children who were taught the wrong methods when it comes to money (I married one and have no regreats). Now I have voiced my concerns to the other siblings that the parents will need help financially. So far no family member has stepped up to offer help. I have indicated Ill cover my 1/4th of their needs but did not want to be the only one offering help. DW is the oldest of the 4 siblings and is open to us helping if needed however the other siblings say they have money needs of their own and can't help. The other siblings are clearly living beyond their means and have kids still in school. My question is should I consider further assistance (I can afford it) or insist on only covering my pro-rata share (4 siblings or 25%). In a few years I see the in-laws needing serious financial help and don't want to be the only family member willing to assist. Anyone ever been in this situation?

 

[pacergal]

What a difficult situation you are facing! So hard to say no, but where will it end? They could live another 20 years, can you afford that?
Do they have a budget? It does not sound like they live within their means, and that would certainly be a criteria I would want to have before giving money. Can you and your wife sit with them, review and set up a budget they would live with? What if they need extensive health care/ assisted living in the future?
Definitely do not put your retirement at risk helping them.

 

[calmloki]

People do what they do. We can all offer well reasoned logical and numerically fair suggestions, but when it gets down to it - what will your wife - and you - feel? How will your wife feel if her folks are faced with homelessness and you are the reasonable one holding the wallet closed? How will that affect your relationship with her?

It is good to be in a position that you can help if you choose. Maybe focus on that rather than the "fairness" of maybe contributing more than those damn grasshoppers.

 

[Teacher Terry]

I would help them find resources. Can they sell their house and rent? Qualify for low income senior housing, food stamps, etc.

 

[CardsFan]

First, I want to commend you for being concerned about the in-laws, and wanting to help if/when needed.

That being said, IMHO, your DW should be the one taking the lead here. Both with her folks and her siblings. You can be supportive and run the numbers behind the scene, but she should be the front person. I think you run the risk of being perceived as the "rich SIL who wants to control everything". Not saying you are, but if the other siblings have no ability to assist, then, to them, you are rich.

So, I guess if it were me, I would look at what DW and I have, decide what we could afford to contribute, and then advise and help DW deal with the situation.

 

[Keim]

Echoing others. Help your wife follow her heart.

 

[Jerry1]

Echoing others. Help your wife follow her heart.

I agree. Helping is good for your heart as well. However, as a practical matter, I'd probably let them or make them file for bankruptcy before I'd help. It may wake them up to their reality but it will also mean you're starting from a clean(er) slate.

 

[BoodaGazelle]

Many years ago, DW and I invested $25K to help her parents buy a house that they could not otherwise have afforded (a modest manufactured home in a nice 55+ community). Well after 12 years, they were in their 80s, and needed to be moved nearer to one of the other DW’s sisters (a good thing).

Since DW and I were part owners, we went to help them move and to get the house ready to sell. Well, after 12 years of little or no maintenance, the house was a mess. DW and I spent another $20K out of our pocket (advanced as a loan) to get the house sold, and we were lucky to do so. We will probably end up losing at least $10K on our attempt to help them (we did not expect to make money on the original $25K, but figured we would at least break even).

In hindsight, we wish we had not taken this on, at least by becoming part owners of their house. Most of the time, people live they way they deserve. I know that parents (for some people) may be different, but when money is involved, things can get complicated and go south quickly.

 

[pb4uski]

You're in a difficult situation. What does your DW want to do?

Unless your in-laws are willing to change their spending habits helping them may be like flushing money down the toilet.

 

[aaronc879]

The siblings are right to worry about their own financial needs first. Not everyone can help others financially. Any couple with two SS checks should be able to get by. If they have a home with a mortgage they may need to sell. Otherwise they need to learn to live within their means. They can probably get government assistance such as help with heating bills and maybe food stamps. If you are retired and have well above the amount of money you need and want to help that's fine but you are not obligated to help them finacially.

 

[Speculator]

I'm in a similar situation with my adopted daughter's family and I have chosen to help out the family as much as I can. The day will come for me sooner than I'd like when I am getting set to die and at that point all the money I have left will be meaningless and I will be facing the unknown. And I'd rather face that unknown knowing I was generous and compassionate when I had the chance. Good luck on your choice.

 

[bclover]

I'm probably echoing a few others.
1) let your wife take the lead,it's her mom and her siblings. and 2) only help as much as you can without putting a strain on your finances and lastly have you included her mom in the decision making.
Maybe she is willing to sacrifice a bit and get assistance from agencies so as to not burden you guys.

Wishing you much luck it's a tricky and delicate situation

 

[Moemg]

I would decide on a certain amount monthly and just send it and let the others do what they will .

 

[daylatedollarshort]

I would help them find resources. Can they sell their house and rent? Qualify for low income senior housing, food stamps, etc.

+1. I would do this as a first step. Explore any and all available public benefits. I have researched this for relatives in a similar spot and with all available benefits for seniors and social security they may be able to get by just fine.

In our area there are food stamps, food banks and low income programs for all sorts of services from discount farmer's market produce, all sorts of free stuff from the library, public transportation, free door to door senior mini buses, subsidized Uber, free lunches, senior activities, discount energy bills, discount phone service, etc. They may have to live like college kids but college kids actually don't have such bad lives. Our area has a senior housing match service where seniors can rent rooms or find other seniors to rent rooms to and the services do the background and credit checks.

If they want financial help I would not contribute money until I had a budget for them, optimized expenses and exhausted all public benefit programs. I've given too much money in the past to relatives to just see it squandered away so I wouldn't do that again. We were helping to support some elderly relatives and I found out they were giving the money to spendthrift adults kids who were using it for discretionary home upgrades, not groceries and heating bills for their parents as was intended. I have some more stories but they are all along the same lines.

 

[Silver]

What do your DW's parents want? You believe they need help. What do they believe?

 

[Katsmeow]

What do your DW's parents want? You believe they need help. What do they believe?

This is very important. The part that is absent in this discussion is what the in-laws say.

Some people are irresponsible with money. The concern I would have would be that if I just gave them cash that it wouldn't go to living expenses but to more overspending.

You could theoretically offer to pay a bill (mortgage, utilities, whatever). But again what would they do with their freed up money? You could end up paying the bill but they could continue to get into greater credit card debt.

Trying to solve the problem through reducing their expenses and getting help they qualify for may be more helpful in the long run.

Do they agree that they need help? How do they feel about barely making ends meet before each check? For some people credit card minimums can make it very hard to get ahead. There is a point at which you are spending so much on the existing debt that you don't have enough money for any unexpected expense that comes up. At that point, you can be in a situation where you have to put it on the credit card in order to get the plumbing repaired, for example.

Depending on how much the credit cards are you could theoretically pay them off. But -- then they may run up new bills. Even if you take those cards they can get new cards.

Basically without their buy in to change you can't really help all that much.

It is easy to say that if they say, need an extra $300 a month to make ends meet that you will give it to them. The problem is the same one people have when they get a raise. Spending tends to increase with increased income. If you give them $X a month then they are liable to simply that much more each month.

It is one thing if they know their lifestyle is unsupportable and they are struggling on getting out of the hole versus a situation where they think they are fine and have no intention of changing and just want to be bailed out.

As far as the 25% thing, I don't think that is the real issue. It sounds like your DW's siblings don't have the means to contribute what you can contribute. Trying to keep it equal in that situation doesn't make a whole lot of sense. You have what they don't have. It is simply that way. The real issue, though, is how to best spend what you will spend so that it actually helps.

 

[Chuckanut]

Frankly your in-laws sound like crazy makers. Once you bail them out you will be responsible for solving their future problems, and it will be your fault if they suffer. Beware these manipulations:

https://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/ten-examples-crazy-making-relationships.html

Think limits and boundaries, ahead of time.

 

[Sunset]

OP - As most others have warned money you give them will be flushed down the toilet and not help them.
Without serious changes in behavior such as: cut out waste in budget, declare bankruptcy, cutting credit cards, selling house moving to rental, etc, nothing is going to help.

Maybe your Wife's relatives understand that better than you and don't want to flush away any of their money.

 

[DrRoy]

Some people are irresponsible with money. The concern I would have would be that if I just gave them cash that it wouldn't go to living expenses but to more overspending.

Basically without their buy in to change you can't really help at all.

It is one thing if they know their lifestyle is unsupportable and they are struggling on getting out of the hole, versus a situation where they think they are fine and have no intention of changing and just want to be bailed out.

+1

 

[tps7742]

I agree with what others have said. Easy come easy go for most people unless they want to help themselves. In my case it’s my Family there isn’t an amount big enough you can give them to solve their needs.

 

[target2019]

My question is should I consider further assistance (I can afford it) or insist on only covering my pro-rata share (4 siblings or 25%). In a few years I see the in-laws needing serious financial help and don't want to be the only family member willing to assist. Anyone ever been in this situation?

It's good that you are concerned. In their situation it might be better for your spouse to pay a bill or two, rather than get into a full-on bailout.

When family finances become un-even, meaning between children, spouses, and parents, it can cause further pain. It sounds like a deteriorating situation, and you and spouse can have meaningful financial impact.

What does your wife think about this?

 

[garyt]

What does your wife think about this?

That's one of the important questions. Also, you say the FIL works. How much does he make? If he makes decent money with 2 SS checks it's an easier fix. If he's making minimum wage and their SS income is low it's more daunting.

 

[street]

I would help them find resources. Can they sell their house and rent? Qualify for low income senior housing, food stamps, etc.

^ this first and then see what needs after that they may need in the long term.

 

[tb001]

Agree with many of the previous posters. One thing I haven’t seen mentioned—do you live close to them? What about the other siblings? Frequently the relatives closer to family take on more of the caregiving load, which IMO is a far larger contribution than a check. Unless you have a highly functioning family, which doesn’t appear to be the case, it’s very hard to just split things up evenly and have it all work out.

 

[Franklin]

OP here. Just taking all the advise in. FIL does work and makes a decent living but at 79 it will not be a forever thing. DW will push to take the bulk of financial responsibility for her parents. My worry is DW has never paid a bill nor does she grasp the retirement financial stage. Don't get me wrong, we've been married over 30 years but money is not her thing. The other siblings live a nice life and we all get along great, but they are in their 40's and 50's and never thought a bit about retirement savings etc.( nice trips and country clubs take the priority). Admittedly it bothers me that I seem to be the only financially responsible one.....but hey its my family now. So far I do agree that Ive got to let DW take the lead and just set limits and boundaries.