Grandkids - How Close Is Too Close?

[popntx]

Our daughter and son-in-law have 3 wonderful children, ages 7 and under. They live about 30 minutes away from us and we generally see them a couple of times a week, and the grandkids will often sleep over. They are very high energy kids and while I love seeing them, they can be both physically and emotionally draining and I must admit that after spending a day or two with us I'm usually glad to see them go so that I can get some peaceful "alone time".

They are currently renting a house and are considering moving and possibly purchasing a home in the next few months. A house recently came on the market that is almost directly across the street from us that they have shown some interest in. I have to admit that the thought of them being that close, where they would likely be at our house daily, sounds overwhelming to me. I am a more private person than DW and prefer to have some boundaries. 15-30 away seems reasonable, across the street, or even on the same block? I don't think so.

I think DW would have no problem with them that close, and in fact might prefer it, so without coming across as a jerk and saying I want a little more distance, it's probably best to stay quiet and hope that they find a place not quite so close.

So, I know everyone is different, and it's all a matter of personal preference, but I'm curious how others would feel about this? How close do your kids/grandkids live to you? What do you consider reasonable? What would you do in my situation?

 

[pacergal]

I hear you. Our kids/grandkids are all within 20 minutes. I love my grands, however, I , too, am pooped after spending the days with them. But, they are only little for such a short time, and then they are teenagers off with their friends, and you most likely will not see them as much.
If it were me, I wouldn't say anything and let your DD and SIL purchase their house on their own. If they happen to move across the street and your worst fears come to pass, it would be reasonable to set boundaries with visitation time if you absolutely had too.
Continue to live your retirement as planned, go travel, etc.and enjoy the fact that your kids want to be in your life and be close. Time flies far too quickly

 

[gwraigty]

It's important that you set your boundaries before they seriously consider buying the house across the street. What is driving their desire to be so close to you? Is your DW encouraging this without involving you in the discussions? Don't be silent on this.

 

[Souschef]

I read the OP's post to DW, who is an Earth Mother in thebest possible way. Her comment was short and sweet
"Oh Boy!"

 

[ugeauxgirl]

I read an article in one of my I industry (FA) magazines that said that retirees were happier when their kids lived more than 10 miles away. It didn't say why, but I suspect its kids taking advantage of free babysitting. I see it frequently.

 

[Chuckanut]

I know a couple who moved to be near their two children's families in another state. They found a home that is 45 minutes away from both children's home. They explained that they are near enough to visit frequently, but far enough away that nobody can call and say " I just got invited to play tennis with Jan this morning, can you drop over and watch the kids?"

I love the grands, and I have cared for them 24/7 a few times. It took me 4 hours to get my place in shape so that kid dangerous stuff was put away. I am still trying to find some of it.

 

[ziggy29]

I read an article in one of my I industry (FA) magazines that said that retirees were happier when their kids lived more than 10 miles away. It didn't say why, but I suspect its kids taking advantage of free babysitting. I see it frequently.

That was my first thought. Someone may really love their grandkids and enjoy spending time with them, but unless boundaries and expectations are appropriate set and understood, Grandma and Grandpa could become an endless, bottomless, infinite source of child care.

 

[nhcycling]

I would love, love , love if all my kids and grand babies lived next door!

 

[Stormy Kromer]

Did anyone here see the first episode of Everybody Loves Raymond? This same topic comes up. It gives a funny example of how something that seems like a good idea at the time maybe isn't in the long run.

 

[Aerides]

My sister lives maybe 10-15 mins from our parents. The proximity doesn't so much increase the visits, but for sure it increases the times my parents help out in a pinch. Pick up from school or last minute babysit if the parents get stuck late at work, or can't stay home because a kid is sick or something.

Given your grandkids are 7 and under, that's the sort of thing that will increase. The helping out. Not necessarily intentionally taking advantage, but just natural to ask when family is close and needs arise.

Across the street seems crazy though. For them to even want I mean. I can't either my sister or I ever looking to be that close physically.

However, as someone up thread mentioned though, they'll be teenagers in a flash, and then gone. So if it happens, there is an upside. Also if they are that close, they wouldn't need to sleep over. So, with no buffer zone you might end up with more frequent, but shorter visits?

I'd be more thinking about do you want your DD and SIL living across from you for the next 20+ years.

 

[mystang52]

Both sets of kids/grandkids live within 10 minutes of me. I LOVE it. I am frequently called upon, above and beyond the "regularly scheduled" visits, to assist in some way. I never mind doing so; keep in mind I'm quite active so more than one occasion I am unable to help.

A few months ago DD went to Vegas with her hubby for her 40th birthday while we watched her 2 children. We had them 3 1/2 days. It was great....but frankly also tiring. Have to confess to being relieved when my daughter got home,.

 

[candrew]

Did anyone here see the first episode of Everybody Loves Raymond?

My first thought when reading the OP.

 

[ivinsfan]

The odds the house across the street will be "the one" aren't very high. But I can see why you are concerned.

I think pacergirl's comments are spot on. We have 4 grandkids 7 and under so I completely get it. Yet the two oldest are starting to "do their own thing" and see us and talk to us when we visit but don't hang on us for every second.

You need to be able to say Sorry, that won't work for us today, if and when your kids ask you for a favor. This discussion is best had with your DW. And the flip side is, if you have pets, or want to do extended travel, you have someone right there is take of things for you. If you have a sudden medical emergency, same thing.

And last but not least maybe as you get older, your present home won't work for you and you will relocate..

We are two plus hours from our Grandkids and I often say to my DH..an hour or less would be perfect. One Spring day a few years ago we were out for a walk and noticed a fixer-upper down the block from our oldest DD. As kind of a joke, I told her that house is a good deal and wouldn't take a lot to fixup maybe we should buy it and relocate.

The look on her face told me everything I needed to know. I laughed and said I was just kidding, so don't panic. I was in no way offended that my DD didn't want us as a neighbor, I get it. Just ask them next time you see them what is it about that house that interests you and listen to what they say. Then respond as you see fit.

 

[Dreamer]

My grandchildren live 400 miles away. We try to see them monthly. I would love for them to live closer. I would prefer the same block or two. Don't know if I would want directly across the street. Mine are 10, 4 and 2 and they definitely require energy!

 

[ivinsfan]

My grandchildren live 400 miles away. We try to see them monthly. I would love for them to live closer. I would prefer the same block or two. Don't know if I would want directly across the street. Mine are 10, 4 and 2 and they definitely require energy!

I don't see a lot of difference between across the street and a block or two away.....

 

[Moemg]

I would love my grandchildren closer . They are a plane ride away .My SO's grand kids are 40 minutes away but now that they are teenagers we rarely see them.

 

[Midpack]

It's important that you set your boundaries before they seriously consider buying the house across the street. What is driving their desire to be so close to you? Is your DW encouraging this without involving you in the discussions? Don't be silent on this.

They should know your boundaries ASAP, it wouldn’t be fair to spring them with those boundaries after they’ve fallen in love with a (too close) house. They might be planning on you babysitting (way) more often. But you need to get on the same page with DW first. If you’re passive and just hoping it’ll all work out, you might regret it for many years - you might harm your relationship with the grandkids, kids and DW.

OTOH you might be able to take advantage of their “services” some day too, when you’re older?

[We just learned we may be facing the same issue with some famously lazy, moocher in-laws who are saying they’re going to move to exactly where we plan to retire. Fortunately we’ll have no problem telling him they’re not welcome at our house uninvited (which may be almost newer), including leaving them standing at the door if need be.]

 

[MissMolly]

I'd be torn. I would love to see my little granddaughter every day, but it would also be exhausting unless they were short visits. Normally when I am asked if she can stay with us while my daughter and her husband have a "date night" it is a 24 hour/overnight thing.

 

[NYEXPAT]

I will turn 66 this year and have two son's 3 and 13, I wouldn't want it any other way! My YW on the other hand can't wait to leave for work in the morning. Different strokes!

 

[Dreamer]

I don't see a lot of difference between across the street and a block or two away.....

When I talk on the phone, I walk from room to room and look out the windows. I would not want anyone to think that I am spying on them. I would also want to be able to leave our house for a walk or to go somewhere without our grandchildren wanting to go with us. I would want this to be our idea and for us to invite them.

We are getting ready to go visit them in about a week or so, and can't wait to see them. It will be exhausting, because they have bought a new home and we will be helping with the kids and moving.

 

[ivinsfan]

When I talk on the phone, I walk from room to room and look out the windows. I would not want anyone to think that I am spying on them. I would also want to be able to leave our house for a walk or to go somewhere without our grandchildren wanting to go with us. I would want this to be our idea and for us to invite them.

We are getting ready to go visit them in about a week or so, and can't wait to see them. It will be exhausting, because they have bought a new home and we will be helping with the kids and moving.

Got it, I was thinking it's still walking distance but your comments are right on.

 

[Amethyst]

Why? Is there some law against setting child care boundaries?

That was my first thought. Someone may really love their grandkids and enjoy spending time with them, but unless boundaries and expectations are appropriate set and understood, Grandma and Grandpa could become an endless, bottomless, infinite source of child care.

 

[gwraigty]

I would also want to be able to leave our house for a walk or to go somewhere without our grandchildren wanting to go with us. I would want this to be our idea and for us to invite them.

This can be a genuine concern. I had issues with some neighbors after we moved into our new construction home. They and their kids wore out their welcome and ruined what might have been a good friendship.

 

[Good_Life]

About 5 years ago a house came up for sale next to my parents house. One of my brothers (who was not in a position to purchase it) convinced my other brother that he should look at buying it because my parents were getting older and they may need the help. As this was going on I asked my mother if she really wanted my brother and his wife and three kids to move next door (the kids were all in elementary school/middle school). My mother said she was definitely worried about it and wondered if it would really work out well, but she never said anything to them...

Five years later though and its actually been a great situation. My brother's kids go over and help out with yard work at my parents house and my brother helps out my Dad with a lot of things. The kids are now at ages where they love their Grandparents next door to visit occasionally, but they definitely have their own lives.

That being said situations can differ quite a bit. My parents had a lower risk of being the ones constantly babysitting or picking up kids because my brother's wife is SAHM. My brother is also a teacher so his schedule coincided more with the annual school schedule.

I wonder if you would really see them daily, especially after they all got into school. All the young families I know lead very busy hectic lives and are constantly going to different activities. Regardless though, I would first make sure you were on the same page with your wife with your concerns and talk it with her. If you both can agree that it might not be the best situation definitely talk to your daughter about those concerns before they go too far down such a significant financial decision.

 

[Bamaman]

How would you like to roll over in bed and have your granddaughter there every morning?

We have permanent custody of our 7 year old Brynley, and we never planned on raising another child in our retirement. Her mother has serious behavioral issues.

But we love the child to death and she excels in a very demanding private school. We do get tired of helping with the homework 3 nights a week, however.

We just pray for good health and that she becomes more resourceful and self assured in the future. We'll be pushing late 70s when she gets out of high school.