Grandkids - How Close Is Too Close?

[sgstaley]

Authentic

I hear you. Our kids/grandkids are all within 20 minutes. I love my grands, however, I , too, am pooped after spending the days with them. But, they are only little for such a short time, and then they are teenagers off with their friends, and you most likely will not see them as much.
If it were me, I wouldn't say anything and let your DD and SIL purchase their house on their own. If they happen to move across the street and your worst fears come to pass, it would be reasonable to set boundaries with visitation time if you absolutely had too.
Continue to live your retirement as planned, go travel, etc.and enjoy the fact that your kids want to be in your life and be close. Time flies far too quickly

I appreciate your take on this situation. My wife and I are contemplating leaving our home state for another one with less taxes and corrupt government. She thinks that moving "closer to the daughter" would be great. I, however, believe that I would lose my freedom and quiet time. I have often wondered if this was not selfish of me. Now I see that many feel as I do. I agree that time DOES fly by.

 

[MarieIG]

How would you like to roll over in bed and have your granddaughter there every morning?

We have permanent custody of our 7 year old Brynley, and we never planned on raising another child in our retirement. Her mother has serious behavioral issues.

But we love the child to death and she excels in a very demanding private school. We do get tired of helping with the homework 3 nights a week, however.

We just pray for good health and that she becomes more resourceful and self assured in the future. We'll be pushing late 70s when she gets out of high school.

I would probably love it.

Don't worry, she will before you blink. She may be more attached because of her situation.

Re the homework, can you afford a good tutor once a week, for the subject that takes the most time? (Not that she "needs" a tutor, but it may give you and your DW a bit of a break.)

 

[denstl]

Had to laugh as I read this thread. Our daughter went thru a bad divorce over 2 years ago. Financially ruined (along with everything else a divorce hands you) and no help from her ex, so we had her move in to our 2 bedroom condo along with her 2 kids. We love them all dearly and glad we could help. But the 6 month help we expected to give has turned in to 2+ years of housing them and being the day-to-day child care service. In fact, my wife and I on vacation this week and have our 2 grand kids with us. Love them and life would be strange without them, but man are we tired!

 

[iloveyoga]

My three grandkids are five minutes away by car, about a mile. It has been so nice. They are very good with boundaries (son and DIL) and I try to do the same. It's been very convenient fo many things, especially when I help with the kids, dogs, or house. But across the street would be too close for comfort.

 

[Teacher Terry]

Den, that’s sad for your daughter. Is there a possibility to help her get into low income housing? 2 years is a long time. I think I would pay for child care so I could get away for a vacation. You guys are good parents/grandparents.

 

[aja8888]

I have no grandchildren as my oldest daughter passed away at 22 years old and the second one, now in her late 30's, doesn't want children. She's married to a great guy that has a 12 year old son with shared custody. He's a great young guy, but doesn't see me as a "grandfather", and that's OK.

Both my daughters were from my ex wife.

I married DW 20 years ago after my divorce and she was a divorcee also. She has three children from her previous marriage and three grandchildren who are now out on their own. I was around for the grandchildren when they were younger, but not really in a true a "grandfather" role, but we were close (and still are).

Now DW has a great grandson!

Somehow, I feel I missed a good chunk of family life, but divorces do that sometimes.

 

[Teacher Terry]

Not everyone wants kids. My 3 kids don’t. I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. My best friend lost her 19 years old daughter.

 

[Stonewalker]

Our daughter and son-in-law have 3 wonderful children, ages 7 and under. They live about 30 minutes away from us and we generally see them a couple of times a week, and the grandkids will often sleep over. They are very high energy kids and while I love seeing them, they can be both physically and emotionally draining and I must admit that after spending a day or two with us I'm usually glad to see them go so that I can get some peaceful "alone time".

They are currently renting a house and are considering moving and possibly purchasing a home in the next few months. A house recently came on the market that is almost directly across the street from us that they have shown some interest in. I have to admit that the thought of them being that close, where they would likely be at our house daily, sounds overwhelming to me. I am a more private person than DW and prefer to have some boundaries. 15-30 away seems reasonable, across the street, or even on the same block? I don't think so.

I think DW would have no problem with them that close, and in fact might prefer it, so without coming across as a jerk and saying I want a little more distance, it's probably best to stay quiet and hope that they find a place not quite so close.

So, I know everyone is different, and it's all a matter of personal preference, but I'm curious how others would feel about this? How close do your kids/grandkids live to you? What do you consider reasonable? What would you do in my situation?

I'd consider moving. Just sayin'

 

[Stonewalker]

That's an honest and true assessment. Still ...

DW is now pointing out how TRUE that is. I should quit reading these to her...

 

[Bamaman]

How close is too close for a grandkid?

How about next to you in bed--a 7 year old granddaughter. We have permanent custody of her, and really enjoy every minute of this precious child. God has given us this child, and she's really flourishing.

We're very fortunate.

 

[Teacher Terry]

BN, I really admire and respect you and your wife.

 

[Luck_Club]

Your grand kids, and you are truly blessed!

My son, daughter-in-law, and three grandkids live about half a mile away. They often drop in and come to dinner one or two times per week. For us it is very nice. Early on we set limits about babysitting and day care - a little of the former and very rarely the later (primarily for emergencies). We always coordinate by phone or text before visits and our son and his wife don't push the limits. I credit that to both of us. We express our wishes and they respect them.

As a child I lived 5 houses down the block from my grand parents. The time spent with them sticks in my memory like sugar plumbs on Christmas eve.

Enjoy.

 

[Sue J]

A little perspective...

Our only grandchild is 4 months old. Our son, DIL and the baby live about a mile and a half from us. Right now our DIL and grandson are in Beijing, China staying with DILs parents so that they can meet their grandson and get to know him. Our son was also there for 3 weeks but is already back home.

In early April these wonderful, loving grandparents in China will have to say goodbye to their only grandson and outside of video chatting will probably not see him again for a year or so. DH and I, back here in Ohio, got so attached to him in his first months and with him gone for almost 3 months we know he won't remember us when he gets back. That's ok, he'll get to know us again and we will have him close by for most of his life.

I know this doesn't apply to the OPs situation. Totally different. Just reminded me that there can be "too close" and also "much too far away".

Back to the OPs situation. I would love to have our son and DIL and baby close by. Maybe not across the street but down the block, or around the corner, or in the next neighborhood. We have already established that they should call or message if they are coming over (we need to put up the gate for the dog) and that has worked very well. So far, we haven't babysat very often because our DIL is nursing. She can leave a bottle with us but they usually want to take the baby with them, which is very nice.

They are hoping to buy a house in the next year or so and I'm hoping it's not too far away. I'd love to have them nearby and they are very respectful of boundaries. And we are respectful of theirs.

Quoting myself so that I can update.

This morning our son and DIL put an offer on a house. Later they were over at our house and their realtor called. Son put the realtor on speaker phone and we all got the news that their offer was accepted! Yes, I cried.

It's not in our immediate neighborhood but just beyond that, about 1 mile away - 3 streets east and 6 blocks south of us. Close but not too close!

Surprisingly it's very much a sellers market right now, with houses being scooped up before they are even officially listed. Properties show up on Zillow and then show as "pending" in less than a day. We have lived here for 36 years and have never seen real estate like that.

Their son is now 7 months old. This may be a starter house or it may be a forever home. If they are still there when our grandson starts kindergarten he will go to the same elementary school that his Dad and uncle attended.

Nice day all around. I'm hoping the steps to closing go smoothly.

 

[Bamaman]

We have a daughter that has behavioral issues, and the state court has awarded permanent custody of her 7 year old.daughter, Brynley to us. She is.going.to a private school and is very smart and a sharp kid. Her brother, Cayden, lives with his father and we have him every other weekend.

Our lives in retirement are not as originally planned, however we are dedicated to these.children. We are trying to take care of.our.health.as we'll be.pushing.80 when Brynley goes.to college. It's not an optimum situation,.however we have another.daughter that can step in if required.

Life around our.house.is.never.boring.