Grandkids - How Close Is Too Close?

[Teacher Terry]

When the kids were little we bought the house next door to my parents. It was great. When my dad had a stroke it was easy to help and my mom watched the kids after school when I was going to college. So easy without having to drive somewhere. Everyone was coming considerate so never had any issues.

 

[ziggy29]

Why? Is there some law against setting child care boundaries?

Huh? Of course not. I just said it may be important to make sure they are established and understood.

No idea where you got the idea that means I suggested that there's some law against it.

 

[donheff]

My son, daughter-in-law, and three grandkids live about half a mile away. They often drop in and come to dinner one or two times per week. For us it is very nice. Early on we set limits about babysitting and day care - a little of the former and very rarely the later (primarily for emergencies). We always coordinate by phone or text before visits and our son and his wife don't push the limits. I credit that to both of us. We express our wishes and they respect them.

 

[gerntz]

Sleeping in our bedroom - unless it's a two room house.

We see our 14 & 9 year olds practically every week & often multiple times. Spending 4 days in April with them, same cabin. Even allowing their parents in.

 

[Midpack]

How would you like to roll over in bed and have your granddaughter there every morning?

We have permanent custody of our 7 year old Brynley, and we never planned on raising another child in our retirement. Her mother has serious behavioral issues.

But we love the child to death and she excels in a very demanding private school. We do get tired of helping with the homework 3 nights a week, however.

We just pray for good health and that she becomes more resourceful and self assured in the future. We'll be pushing late 70s when she gets out of high school.

There’s a special place for people like you. Some friends of ours ended up with custody of their grandkids, a sweet 8 yo girl and a disruptive 13 yo boy. Needless to say it completely changed the life our friends had planned. But they managed, put both kids through college, and the kids became decent independent adults. And our friends they got their lives back after a delay of about 15 years, and they had no regrets when all was said and done.

 

[gwraigty]

How would you like to roll over in bed and have your granddaughter there every morning?

We have permanent custody of our 7 year old Brynley, and we never planned on raising another child in our retirement. Her mother has serious behavioral issues.

But we love the child to death and she excels in a very demanding private school. We do get tired of helping with the homework 3 nights a week, however.

We just pray for good health and that she becomes more resourceful and self assured in the future. We'll be pushing late 70s when she gets out of high school.

I was raised by my grandparents and lived with them until I married at age 28. My mother was there and that's about all I'll say about her at present. She did have custody of me. I think I turned out OK.

 

[Sue J]

A little perspective...

Our only grandchild is 4 months old. Our son, DIL and the baby live about a mile and a half from us. Right now our DIL and grandson are in Beijing, China staying with DILs parents so that they can meet their grandson and get to know him. Our son was also there for 3 weeks but is already back home.

In early April these wonderful, loving grandparents in China will have to say goodbye to their only grandson and outside of video chatting will probably not see him again for a year or so. DH and I, back here in Ohio, got so attached to him in his first months and with him gone for almost 3 months we know he won't remember us when he gets back. That's ok, he'll get to know us again and we will have him close by for most of his life.

I know this doesn't apply to the OPs situation. Totally different. Just reminded me that there can be "too close" and also "much too far away".

Back to the OPs situation. I would love to have our son and DIL and baby close by. Maybe not across the street but down the block, or around the corner, or in the next neighborhood. We have already established that they should call or message if they are coming over (we need to put up the gate for the dog) and that has worked very well. So far, we haven't babysat very often because our DIL is nursing. She can leave a bottle with us but they usually want to take the baby with them, which is very nice.

They are hoping to buy a house in the next year or so and I'm hoping it's not too far away. I'd love to have them nearby and they are very respectful of boundaries. And we are respectful of theirs.

 

[fasteddie911]

I grew up down the street from my grandparents and saw them less than your grandkids see you. In hindsight it was nice, though I didn't appreciate it much at that time. We weren't high energy but I get where you're coming from. If they do buy the house, I think it would be better to let your feelings be known, at least to your spouse if not the parents, and/or set aside quiet time for yourself and let your spouse handle the kids. I think its fine being a recluse if everyone knows why. Depending what you do in your alone time, it could be something you start involving one of the grandkids in (say if you did woodworking or something).

 

[Winemaker]

Our GKs live 6 hours away at the other end of the state, DW and I would love to see them a couple of times a week or more. Pick your poison. I'd rather be pooped out round around with them, playing with Legos, Thomas the train, with the doll house, etc. than be wondering what they're doing.

 

[wmc1000]

Our 5 GK's live between 15 and 60 minutes away. DW and I like the fact that any of them are close enough for us to see them regularly. We both agree that the short distance, relatively speaking, lets us have plenty of time with them yet still have our own schedule.

 

[samclem]

Obviously, the "best" distance depends on the situation and the folks involved. DD lives about 5 minutes away with our grandson, he's 4 now. He spends the night with us about twice per week (when DD is scheduled to work late) plus more visits for a few hours every week. It seems to be working out well for all involved. He's got a lot of energy, but I enjoy being with him, taking him places (he'll happily spend an hour or two chasing geese at a pond, dashing around with the other kids at a playground, etc) or just him and me playing on the floor with some blocks and toy trucks. Everything is new to him, and exploring things with him is a treat. Having raised a child, DW and I now appreciate that these years are fleeting and all too soon he won't have much use for an oldster, but right now it is almost magic.
Exhausting? A little.

 

[michelek]

Our DS brought home a puppy does that count? No grandkids yet thank heaven- but the puppy is now ours to watch all day while DS goes to work at a full time office job. This pup is cute but requires constant attention. When I complained about the inconvenience - he said he would take it to doggy day care. I asked how much it cost. $25 day. Just saying he never offered to pay us the $25 per day when we are being the day care. I warned him NOT to get the dog but he did anyway now we are the ones taking care of it. Same thing would happen if it was a grandchild like Bamaman . I’ve been there and done that so wouldn’t want to do parenting all over again- but it would be impossible for me to decline the responsibility.

 

[tb001]

As an older parent of two young kids, I can actually see that being close might be easier. Doing an hour or two or an afternoon here or there with the kids is way easier than a few days at once.

Only you know your kids/DW and if there might be boundary issues or issues with limits. If so, then have those discussions up front.

I’ll also echo what others have said. The early years go so fast and soon they’ll be in school, so it will be less of an issue. I would love for my mother to live close to us, not because she would be a huge help with kids, but because she’s going to need help sooner than she thinks and it would be way less stressful for us if she’s close. These things work both ways...

 

[gerntz]

I grew up down the street from my grandparents and saw them less than your grandkids see you..

That was my situation for one set of gp's. Other gm lived with us last year of her life & died when I was 6. I was in back seat with her when she had a stroke & was gone. Didn't impact me too much as I really didn't appreciate fully what was happening.

Spent a lot of time at remaining gp's. We lived with them till I was 3. Even when we had our own place, Dad was over there helping out grandpa a lot with his small truck farm & floral businesses & I got dragged/drug along. Big family so I wasn't so special!

 

[imoldernu]

Age...

From 55 to 75, wonderful. March to October, mostly at our Woodhaven Campground home.
Not just our own grandkids, but every kid in the neighborhood. 5 to 15 at a time... biking, canoeing, paddle boat, campfires, hikes and swimming at the pools or the beach or going to the weekend major events. Wonderful times, and among the fondest of memories. When my own kids moved away, we were still the adventure center for the entire neighborhood. It was just like summer camp.

Now... not so much. Most of the kids are grown with some graduating from college and even grad school. I like to think that some of what we did over those 20 years rubbed off. The youngest is already 9 years old.

Wouldn't trade those years for anything, but not sure it would have been the same if they were living across the street.

 

[rodi]

I have a different perspective. If the kids buy the place across the street - you will be able to get help FROM them as you get older.

Here's the basis for my thoughts. My MIL was caretaker for my wheelchair bound FIL. We built a detached granny flat so that we could offer them assistance without having to get on an airplane. My kids were 6 and 8 years old when the in-laws moved to the granny flat for part of each year. MIL (and FIL) did not do *any* babysitting. Sometimes MIL would phone up to our house and ask if one of the kids could come down and play cards with FIL. But we only sent the kids down without us at MIL's request. We had a family meal with all of us at our house 2x/week... and one at the granny flat 2x week. We respected each other's privacy and had boundaries.

Look at this long term... there may be more in it for YOU than you realize. None of us are getting younger.

 

[Car-Guy]

I have a different perspective. If the kids buy the place across the street - you will be able to get help FROM them as you get older.

Or, maybe they will move far away by then....

 

[Idnar7]

IMOLDERNU, great post. You are my forum hero. I so enjoy your posts and experiences.
Keep them coming!

 

[Jennett]

Grandchildren

Oh, how I wish had been blessed with grandchildren. My only child passed away. I am so heartbroken. I say enjoy the kids/grands/greats with every fiber of your being. Life is so unpredictable and can be heartbreaking at times.
I wish you all the best and I feel that you are so blessed to have your children/grandchildren...no matter how close or how far they live from you. Enjoy every day that you can with them. [/B]

 

[jeffmete]

We retired and moved to the same town as our DS, DIL and 3 of 5 grandkids. By coincidence it’s the same area my wife and I grew up in, so it seemed a little like moving home. We are about 1 mile from the kids and during the school years we see kids at least once a week and do random babysitting. Our house has a pool and some of our grandsons buddies live on our street, so during the summer we will end up with what seems like half the kids on our street in our backyard. Already starting to see the 12 year old drifting away. But loved the last 3 years and would make the same move again.

 

[statsman]

Oh, how I wish had been blessed with grandchildren. My only child passed away. I am so heartbroken. I say enjoy the kids/grands/greats with every fiber of your being. Life is so unpredictable and can be heartbreaking at times.
I wish you all the best and I feel that you are so blessed to have your children/grandchildren...no matter how close or how far they live from you. Enjoy every day that you can with them.

I am so sorry for your loss. Not many events in life more heartbreaking for a parent than to outlive their children.

Our only child moved from CA to TX about three years ago after visiting TX a second time on business. Has wanted us to move to TX to be nearby. We are a close threesome. Friends of my wife and I were envious as their children moved to get away from them, or at a minimum would prefer the parents not follow.

I really didn't want to move to TX (primarily because of the weather), but we did last fall because of our child. We're about 25-30 minutes away. Close enough to visit any time, although our kid is busy at work and needs the off time for shopping, cleaning, socializing with others, etc., so we usually plan visits every 2-3 weeks.

I may come to loathe the TX heat, but I will never regret moving near our child.

 

[CowgirlUp]

Our oldest daughter and 3 grandkids (8-12) live 1800 miles from us. We are planning to retire and move near them this year. My daughter would like us to purchase a house with her and live with them. We would only consider it if we had our own apartment on the property. They would be okay with us actually living in the house with them, but that’s a little too close for me. We are considering this option to be available to help our daughter out. Our son-in-law committed suicide 4 years ago and we know she’d really appreciate our help and support. I never thought this is what we’d be doing this in our retirement, but so much for predicting the future. lol

 

[Jerry1]

My in laws were a few miles away. Our kids literally got on the bus in the morning at our house and got off the bus in the afternoon at mamaw’s and papaw’s. DW would pick the kids up after work and usually have dinner with her parents and our kids. I was kind of a loaner and worker and that situation worked well for me. Now it’s my turn. My daughter and three grandkids are about 10 min away and we see then frequently. In fact, we helped daughter get a house and then a few years and a few kids later, we moved from our house of 26 years to be closer to DD and grandkids.

Yes, sometimes it’s a pain, yes they take a bit out of us and it’s nice when they go home, sometimes we get the “can you pick up the kids” call from DD and yes, there has been issues. But I’m also getting to be a part of my grandkids lives. Oldest comes over and rides the mower and I hope I’ll have some positive influence on him becoming a good man. Middle grandson is taking a class I signed him up for. Makes me proud I can give him exposure to something he would not otherwise have. And dearest granddaughter at just over three years old is the highlight of my day.

We currently are taking care of mother in law (mamaw). Papaw passed and it hurt to watch how much it hurt my daughters, but they truly loved him. DD with grandkids just came over today and even though mamaw doesn’t even comprehend that’s it’s her 85th birthday, she brought a cake and we sang happy birthday. Other daughter made sure to call. I respect my daughters so much for the love and respect they show their grandparents. That would not have happened had we not moved close to them 26+ years ago. I hope my grandkids develop the same for me and DW. It’s a good thing but it obviously has ups and downs along the way.

To the OP, in my younger years, I might have felt more like you are feeling. Close but not too close. Now, I say let it happen. It will take you out of your comfort zone, but it will be a good experience for you. I never thought it would be but when I see four generations in my house, mamaw, DW, DD and granddaughter, I’m proud to have been a part of all of their lives.

 

[allegra3201]

Our daughter and son-in-law have 3 wonderful children, ages 7 and under. They live about 30 minutes away from us and we generally see them a couple of times a week, and the grandkids will often sleep over. They are very high energy kids and while I love seeing them, they can be both physically and emotionally draining and I must admit that after spending a day or two with us I'm usually glad to see them go so that I can get some peaceful "alone time".

They are currently renting a house and are considering moving and possibly purchasing a home in the next few months. A house recently came on the market that is almost directly across the street from us that they have shown some interest in. I have to admit that the thought of them being that close, where they would likely be at our house daily, sounds overwhelming to me. I am a more private person than DW and prefer to have some boundaries. 15-30 away seems reasonable, across the street, or even on the same block? I don't think so.

I think DW would have no problem with them that close, and in fact might prefer it, so without coming across as a jerk and saying I want a little more distance, it's probably best to stay quiet and hope that they find a place not quite so close.

So, I know everyone is different, and it's all a matter of personal preference, but I'm curious how others would feel about this? How close do your kids/grandkids live to you? What do you consider reasonable? What would you do in my situation?

Ever watch "Everybody Loves Raymond"?

 

[H2ODude]

This thread really hits home. We went for about 10 years of daughter in London where three of four GC were born, and all were raised until they moved to DC four years ago, now aged 5,7,9, and 11. Meanwhile son lived in Tanzania where his two sons spent their first years, they returned to city hour away from us now, moved in September. So visits to GC 1-2 times a year entailed a trip from NC to London then Africa, total of 19 hours flight time plus layovers and 4 hour landrover trips!

So I'm writing this from DD house in DC, it was a tolerable 5.5 hour drive (for of all things grandparents day at two of the boys school). Yesterday we got the final message from DS that his wife got her dream job of tenure track professor...in our current city of ~300,000. We know that given school needs, recreation opportunity, and general housing they will end up within a few miles of us or very possibly in same general neighborhood.

We've already had a couple of emergency calls to make the drive for childcare down to current place that were OK but something we don't want to do frequently. DS may have to travel a lot and we can see us being called on a lot. However, we intend to be very up front in laying out what is and is not acceptable. We built an addition for MIL and I deeply regret we never laid out ground rules, like DW and I going out for dinner WITHOUT her weekly(passed away 4 years ago so no longer part of the group). I do think if this next situation began to evolve into something unacceptable to us, we could put a stop to it. The deal with the MIL was more like a slippery slope we couldn't escape. We have a very good relationship w DS so wouldn't have an issue with saying, "Hey, this ain't working you gotta find other daycare arrangements (for when you travel or whatever)." I know, time will tell.

So as we approach this it will really be strange to have them so close but we know that for us it could quickly become too close. We're 68 and don't need help nor do we want to become dependent on kids for older times, we have money for that.