Grey Divorce

[ivinsfan]

Ivansfan, yes I will miss my youngest stepson but we intend to keep in touch. He is unhappy with his dad. The oldest stole from his mom and she cut him out of her life before she died so I don’t want anything to do with him. I have always wanted the dogs and taken care of them. Anyone that knows me well would never try to take my fur babies).

Good for you it will be hard on your SS since his Mom just died.

 

[Dd852]

You seem strong and determined- I applaud that. But I also know that we all are more vulnerable than we like to show, so I hope you know how to look after yourself, that you have a support network of some kind, that you will seek help and aid of whatever kind when you need it. New starts at any age can be exhilarating and liberating but they are also darn hard. Best of luck

 

[Teacher Terry]

Ivan, yes my stepson has had many losses this year. He was planning to get married and his fiancé broke up with him. He’s a great person.

 

[carnivalday]

So very sorry. I dont think there is hardly anyone who can say they havent been thru a painful breakup. Just know that there are sunny days ahead for you.

 

[pacergal]

TT-- so sorry to hear this, it seems you have handle on things right now.
Take time for yourself, grieve the losses.
Take care and move forward to the new life you can create for yourself and your pups!

 

[harllee]

So sorry Terry but it sounds like to me that you made the best choice for your future.

 

[FIREd]

A few days before Xmas I accidentally found out my husband was treated for 2 STD’s. We have been together 23 years and married 17. After being divorced previously I purposely lived with him years before marrying to be sure it would work. My Xmas gift to him is a divorce. It was a big shock but since retiring 9 years ago he has changed. I am constantly fighting his tendencies to hoard, he went from easy going to angry outbursts and virtually does nothing to help around the house. In many ways it’s like having a child to take care of. I have filed for divorce, he is buying me out of the house and I am packing. I just need to find a condo to buy. All of this happened in 18 days. I feel oddly relieved and calm. Has anyone experienced this in retirement? How did it work out?

I’m so sorry to hear this. As you probably remember, I experienced a similar situation two years ago. It was a rough few months but I quickly rebounded. It sounds like you’re on track to do the same. All the best!

 

[MrsHaloFIRE]

TT you have made a decision based on what's best for you and I applaud that. Being certain in something like this does takeaway some second guessing and anxiety.

You got this Terry!!!

I echo this. Good for you for making up your mind and moving forward. SHows great strength. Wishing you great resiliency during this bounce. Im thinking of it as a bounce, theres some "down" of course but theres going to be alot of "up" quickly on the other side.

Added: You should prob get STD testing also if he had HIS suspicions that he needed testing. A friend that went through this, full round of testing was her FIRST stop.

 

[Teacher Terry]

Fired, I remember and I am glad things turned out well for you.

 

[FIYes]

Best wishes to you during this transition. Keep the importance of self care in mind. I recall from earlier posts that you have done a lot of caring for others...your friend with dementia, your husband’s ex wife, etc. now is the time for self care.

 

[BoodaGazelle]

I wish you the best...

 

[Teacher Terry]

FIyes, yes you are correct I have done a lot of caregiving starting with my dad in my 20’s. I told my friends I am going to be selfish and only take care of me for awhile).

 

[ivinsfan]

FIyes, yes you are correct I have done a lot of caregiving starting with my dad in my 20’s. I told my friends I am going to be selfish and only take care of me for awhile).

That's not really selfish TT, but I do feel a lot of women, in our age group for sure, do think self care is selfish. It doesn't come naturally to me...

 

[Teacher Terry]

Ivan, it doesn’t come naturally for me either. My friends laughed when I said it’s all about me for a while.

 

[ER Eddie]

Yeah, self-care is NOT selfish. I find a lot of people (women in particular, but men, too) put a ton of energy into their caretaking role, but not much into taking care of themselves. They often really suffer because of that.

Imo, taking care yourself is Job 1. Pardon the crude analogy, but in a way, it's like investing and the magic of compound interest -- or maybe I should say, the magic of taking compound interest in yourself. If you put time and energy into yourself regularly, over time, that produces massive growth and pays off handsomely in all areas of your life.

Selfishness = looking out only for your own interests, stepping on other people to get your way, and not caring what other people feel or want. I doubt you're in any danger of becoming that.

 

[cyber888]

I'm very sorry to hear this. I hope you get a big payout. Reach out to relatives and friends if you need to. Good luck with your new life - enjoy it to the fullest.

A few days before Xmas I accidentally found out my husband was treated for 2 STD’s. We have been together 23 years and married 17. After being divorced previously I purposely lived with him years before marrying to be sure it would work. My Xmas gift to him is a divorce. It was a big shock but since retiring 9 years ago he has changed. I am constantly fighting his tendencies to hoard, he went from easy going to angry outbursts and virtually does nothing to help around the house. In many ways it’s like having a child to take care of. I have filed for divorce, he is buying me out of the house and I am packing. I just need to find a condo to buy. All of this happened in 18 days. I feel oddly relieved and calm. Has anyone experienced this in retirement? How did it work out?

 

[Amethyst]

This exact series of regressions were observed, over about the same number of years, in a close relative who turned out to have dementia.

It was a big shock but since retiring 9 years ago he has changed. I am constantly fighting his tendencies to hoard, he went from easy going to angry outbursts and virtually does nothing to help around the house. In many ways it’s like having a child to take care of.

 

[ivinsfan]

This exact series of regressions were observed, over about the same number of years, in a close relative who turned out to have dementia.

That would be sad for him but it's perfectly OK for TT to make the decision to divorce...however the hoarding thing was mentioned as a family issue.

I wish the both of them well as they split their lives.

 

[Teacher Terry]

I doubt he has dementia. He cheated on his first wife and I just found out he cheated repeatedly even before we married. I think he has a sexual addiction.

 

[harley]

Most marriages end in divorce, and the rate is increasing.

Terry, Best wishes with all you are going through.

But I have to address the claim above. It just isn't accurate.

The U.S. Divorce Rate Has Hit a 50-Year Low.

Divorce in America has been falling fast in recent years, and it just hit a record low in 2019. For every 1,000 marriages in the last year, only 14.9 ended in divorce, according to the newly released American Community Survey data from the Census Bureau. This is the lowest rate we have seen in 50 years. It is even slightly lower than 1970, when 15 marriages ended in divorce per 1,000 marriages.

 

[gumshoe]

Dear Teacher Terry:

I have a friend who went home early one day, unexpectedly, and caught her husband in bed with another woman. That was it - divorce! But this happened when she was in her mid 30's, and they had no kids. She never got married again but is very happy. She has been socially active all her life, enjoys travel, sports, golf, dining out, volunteer activities, and has a close network of friends and family. She is now in her mid-60s and still living life to the fullest.

I am so sorry to hear about your marriage situation. Trust, once broken, is very difficult to regain, and a stressful relationship can really affect both your mental and physical health. You deserve to be happy. Life it too short to be stressed out on a daily basis, especially in your golden retirement years. With your strong network of family and friends, I am sure you will get through this. Hopefully, you will find a better mate who shares your values and has a lifestyle that is compatible with yours. If not, better to be single+happy rather than married+miserable. Wishing you all the best.

 

[ER Eddie]

Yeah, best wishes, Terry. I've enjoyed your posts on this forum. Hope your divorce goes as smoothly as can be reasonably expected. I think that you'll find plenty of interesting and fulfilling things to do with all the extra time and energy you've freed up.

 

[Bigdawg]

Terry, Best wishes with all you are going through.

But I have to address the claim above. It just isn't accurate.

The U.S. Divorce Rate Has Hit a 50-Year Low.

Don't know where they get their stats but I found this on a lawfirms website:

"The idea half of marriages end in divorce was vaunted in the 1980s but research shows a decline in the rate of divorce in the ensuing decades. Not including those who get legally separated, the statistical breakdown is thus:

First Marriages: 42-45 percent will terminate with a divorce as the result.
Second Marriages: 60 percent will terminate with a divorce as the result.
Third Marriages: 73 percent will terminate with a divorce as the result.
Another way of viewing these statistics is:

22 percent of women have been divorced at least once.
21 percent of men have been divorced at least once.
11 percent of women are divorced at the present time.
9 percent of men are divorced at the present time.
The age breakdown of those obtaining a divorce looks thus:

Under 20: Women 27.6%, Men 11.7%
20 – 24: Women 36.6%, Men 38.8%
25 – 29: Women 16.4%, Men 22.3%
30 – 34: Women 8.5%, Men 11.6%
35 – 39: Women 5.1%, Men 6.5%"

https://canterburylawgroup.com/divorce-statistics-rates/

 

[Amethyst]

So he's basically just a rotten guy, with no excuses. Good on you for getting out. I know it is not so easy.

P.S. I don't really believe in "sex addiction." That implies the person lacks any ability to control himself, and I just don't go for that, never have. Not for men or women.

I doubt he has dementia. He cheated on his first wife and I just found out he cheated repeatedly even before we married. I think he has a sexual addiction.

 

[SpinDoctorTX]

Teacher Terry, I'm so sorry that this happened to you. My first marriage ended in a similar fashion. I was 40 and worked for a lunatic just then- which was super fun. Time does heal... I'd expect the same stages of grief that accompany a death. Had I not ended my marriage, I'd have never lived the life I do now- FI and beside the true love of my life.

You seem to be a determined person, and that will take you to the other side of this. Rewriting your life and living it totally your way will likely determine whether you even want to have another legally binding partner. I swore I'd never remarry, but I am glad I did. I'm a 4th wife and he is my 2nd DH. PM me if you ever want to vent. My GF tribe helped me through all of the ups & downs of divorce. Please take good care of yourself.

Lastly, get yourself a barracuda of a lawyer. You don't have to kill a person- just ensure that they end up wishing that you had. What goes around really does come around- eventually.