Grey Divorce

[Mr. Tightwad]

Best wishes Terry while you go through this.

Most marriages end in divorce, and the rate is increasing. Legal Templates and National Law Review both say divorce template sales are up 34% in 2020 from previous years.

I avoided painful and expensive divorces by never getting married. That decision was probably the most important one I ever made.

You will get through this Terry. Keep your head up.

 

[Koolau]

We are here for you. God bless!

 

[bada bing]

Condolences

I know from experience that ending even the worst of marriages still leaves a mark. There's much brighter days ahead, but it's okay to be pissed or hurt for a while.

 

[athena53]

I'm sorry to hear this but sometimes you gotta know when to fold 'em. I was divorced at age 44 so younger than you, but it had to happen. Things were so bad that the staunch Roman Catholics on both sides of the family were praying for a peaceful end to the marriage. Life after that, including a happy second marriage that ended when my husband died 4 years ago, has been a vast improvement.

I'm glad you have the means to get out and live independently. I think that's a barrier for many older, unhappy couples.

 

[ER Eddie]

Ah, my sympathies. I've been through a divorce myself. Even though I initiated it, as you are initiating yours -- which helps, btw (much better than being on the receiving end, I'm sure) -- it is still a sad time.

You describe yourself as feeling "oddly relieved and calm." That's good! I can understand the relief, given what you say about your husband's cheating, hoarding, and general indifference. Life will be easier without that dragging you down. I bet the "calm" comes from knowing this is the right thing to do.

You're not alone, of course. 85% of 3rd marriages end in divorce. "Grey divorce" is the most rapidly growing age category of divorce.

On a sidenote -- maybe it's relevant, maybe not, but I'll share in case it is -- I'm in the middle of The Myths of Happiness, by Sonja Lyubomirsky. Although she's very pro-marriage in general, one of the "myths" she tackles is that being married makes you happy, or that being single makes you unhappy. So don't get into thinking you can't be happy if you're divorced. I can attest to that one being false personally, as I'm happily single 18 years now.

I did go through a period of adjustment after my divorce, though. I was surprised at how wrapped up my personal identity got in the marriage, e.g., in the role of husband and stepfather. When those roles disappeared, I was at a bit of a loss. It took me a while to find my way back to the person I was, before the marriage. I stumbled around for a year or two. Eventually, though, I found my footing, and it's been increasingly good ever since.

I wish you the best. Sounds like you've got good social support, which will help. Enjoy your freedom.

 

[finnski1]

Sorry to hear this. I don't have any words of wisdom on this subject but I hope all works out well for you. I don't know that I would handle it as well as you appear to be doing.

 

[Exchme]

The other point not addressed is he could have passed the STDs to you and instead he hid them? Sounds like your big regret down the line will be staying with him as long as you did.

 

[CaptTom]

Condolences, I know ending even a bad marriage can be rough. You seem to have the right approach.

I have a friend who's dealing with some of the same issues, and is struggling with the stay/go decision. In a way, you are fortunate (or had foresight) enough to be able to get out. My friend would be in a very precarious financial situation. Obviously I've offered to help, but I can't imagine how it would be to feel trapped in a relationship for financial reasons.

I know that's not much of a consolation, but at this point you need to count any blessings you can. Best wishes. I'll bet it feels liberating and even exciting at times to start fresh.

 

[Dtail]

Sorry to hear of this TT. You do seem like a strong independent woman and will get through this.
Due to your caring nature, you might be faced with your soon to be Ex requesting your help down the road due to the potential mess of a life which might be coming for him.
Try to resist any of those requests.

 

[Christine]

I'm sorry but it sounds like you have made the right decision for the long run.


Don't be afraid to accept help from your friends. Both love and practical help. When my friend divorced it was difficult to know how to help. So asking for what you need is good.

 

[atmsmshr]

No advice for you in such trying times, only best wishes for your future.

 

[ivinsfan]

Best wishes Terry while you go through this.

Most marriages end in divorce, and the rate is increasing. Legal Templates and National Law Review both say divorce template sales are up 34% in 2020 from previous years.

I avoided painful and expensive divorces by never getting married. That decision was probably the most important one I ever made.

You will get through this Terry. Keep your head up.

And here we go...this isn't about you and how much you hate marriage. It's about a fellow human and board member who is suffering. Please just don't.

 

[UnrealizedPotential]

TT, I am sorry you are going through this. I don't have any advice to give, but I wish you only the best for the future.

 

[Teacher Terry]

His first wife said he had a sexual addiction but I didn’t believe her because she was trying to get him back after they were divorced and we were together. I found out he cheated on her too and yes STD’s means lowlifes. I have left 3 husbands.

My first one cheated. My second husband was verbally abusive and controlling and I left as soon as the youngest was 18. For many years this was my happiest marriage as we had fun, traveled and got along well. The last 10 years have been slowly downhill. Splitting means we each have a yearly income of 31k. Luckily our house is worth almost 400k. I am going to buy a small condo and have a tiny mortgage with money in the bank. If I had to rent I couldn’t afford to live here. Interesting I started my life in Reno 24 years ago this time of year buying a small condo and starting a new job with the state newly divorced. We had 800k but he managed to hide all but 200. Looking back I should have hired a PI but I and my family were afraid he might kill me if I found it.

Luckily when I married husband number 3 I had a prenup stating that my money I had in my condo is mine. So I get the first 60k off the top. The most important thing is I am keeping my 2 sweet Maltese. By the time I divorced husband number two I didn’t feel bad because I hated him. This one I don’t hate but feel sorry for. Once I am moved out and it’s final I don’t intend to be friends with him although he wants to be. Before I leave I will give him the passwords to all his accounts and show him how to set up online bill pay. He is a engineer so smart but incredibly bad at handling lives details. I am staying in control of both our finances until the house closes so he can get the loan. It will be interesting to see how I feel down the road but sometimes you grieve events before they happen like my second marriage. My first I grieved after I left. I suspect that I have suffered enough the last 10 years.

 

[Go-NoGo]

I have no words of wisdom to share TT, I have read your posts through the years and know you have the fortitude and resources to make it through this. I am looking forward to your posts when you are past this. Best wishes for your future.

 

[whatnot]

I am so sorry.

It does sound like you have the financial piece covered.
Unfortunately, emotions can get in the way during this stressful time. Thank goodness for your pre-nup.

Wishing you strength to get through this difficult time.

 

[JP.mpls]

Terry,
No advice here, but I think you are thinking clear.

My woman friend's buddy found out his wife has been having an affair for over 20 years.

In the last few years they have been living apart, and he still isn't seeking a divorce from her.

I don't get it. I would have done anything for my wife, but I could not have loved her in the same way if she was having an affair.

Goodluck moving forward, and creating a new life for yourself.

PS: The hoarding and laziness sound horrible too.

JP

 

[Ginny]

You can do this!! Your husband sound like he has a mental disease or maybe a tumor, but you are taking care of yourself. My previous husband got weird, we divorced and he ended up with dementia at a very young age. He died at 68.

Oh and change your beneficiary designations.

 

[Teacher Terry]

Ginny, no physical reason. I have since found out he cheated on his first wife and me all through the years off and on. Just either a sexual addiction or lack of character. Because Nevada is the land of quick divorce we filed a joint petition for divorce with the court on Thursday. We followed the prenup which benefits me. He came into the marriage with nothing. The paralegal that did it is his mom’s best friend and she did it quickly and for half price as a gift to me. She never liked him. The judge will just sign off because no kids involved and we filed together. I am going to do a new will as soon as the divorce is final.

 

[Vincenzo Corleone]

Sorry I don't have any useful advice. I just wanted to say that I wish you the best.

 

[ivinsfan]

TT your comment made me think of his sons..that will be hard for you as well.

 

[Badger]

Sorry to hear that you are going through this a third time. However it sounds like you are dealing well with this in spite of the events that brought this on.

Having trust in a partner is fundamental in a relationship. I would have done the same thing under similar circumstances.

Once things are settled I hope the rest of the year comes with major improvements for you.


Cheers!

 

[ER Eddie]

It will be interesting to see how I feel down the road but sometimes you grieve events before they happen like my second marriage. My first I grieved after I left. I suspect that I have suffered enough the last 10 years.

Yeah, maybe you've already done a lot of your grieving already, given the long and slow decline. Hope so.

Also, I wanted to make a lighthearted comment about "The most important thing is I am keeping my 2 sweet Maltese." Amen! I have often thought that the best thing that came out of my marriage was my dog.

I am glad you are retaining your two doggoes. They can be great companions and comforts.

 

[Lsbcal]

Thanks everyone for your support. Jerry I went and typed the correct word. I definitely didn’t mean expected). I intend to remain single. Luckily I have a good support system of family and friends. The last 5 years have been stressful with some big life events such as 5 good friends dying. I have been in Nevada 24 years and love it so that’s on the plus side.

I am really glad you have family and friends to talk with. Looking after your health is really important now. Best wishes and we here are another resource to lean on.

 

[Teacher Terry]

Ivansfan, yes I will miss my youngest stepson but we intend to keep in touch. He is unhappy with his dad. The oldest stole from his mom and she cut him out of her life before she died so I don’t want anything to do with him. I have always wanted the dogs and taken care of them. Anyone that knows me well would never try to take my fur babies).