Grey Divorce

[Teacher Terry]

A few days before Xmas I accidentally found out my husband was treated for 2 STD’s. We have been together 23 years and married 17. After being divorced previously I purposely lived with him years before marrying to be sure it would work. My Xmas gift to him is a divorce. It was a big shock but since retiring 9 years ago he has changed. I am constantly fighting his tendencies to hoard, he went from easy going to angry outbursts and virtually does nothing to help around the house. In many ways it’s like having a child to take care of. I have filed for divorce, he is buying me out of the house and I am packing. I just need to find a condo to buy. All of this happened in 18 days. I feel oddly relieved and calm. Has anyone experienced this in retirement? How did it work out?

 

[RunningBum]

Sorry to hear. I've not remarried so I can't help you there. But you seem like a strong person who will do well on her own.

 

[38Chevy454]

You certainly have had a rough few weeks. No advice from personal experience except to say things will get better. Hang tough and focus on the future rather than the past.

 

[omni550]

Terry,

I'm so sorry to hear that you are having to deal with this. No advice to offer from this lifelong single.

I wish you the best going forward, as you deserve it.

omni

 

[CindyBlue]

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. It will be a big change, but for the better for you. Hang in there...keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!

 

[Jerry1]

Has anyone expected this in retirement? How did it work out?

Did you mean to write experience? I can change that for you if you want.

As for expecting, no, I don’t think anyone expects it, but crap like that happens. A similar situation is when a spouse passes right after retirement. But, I’m sure behavioral changes are very common and destructive behaviors are probably pretty high on the list.

Gotta give you credit for taking charge of your life and not waiting around to see if he’ll change or whatever. At this point in our lives, life is too short to put up with that crap. I am sorry for the situation he put you in as I’m sure you, like many of us, thought at this point the relationship was solid and would take you over the finish line.

I’m sure the near future will be difficult as you deal with this, but I can assure you that you can find happiness again whether that is with another partner or as a single. Stay strong, get help if you need it and be positive as you create the next phase of your life. Best wishes.

 

[Gremlin]

Terry,

I can’t imagine what you are going through. No words of wisdom or advice from me, I’m afraid. I agree with Running Bum - I have no doubt you will do well on your own. Just know that there are those here who care about your well being and are rooting for you.

 

[street]

Just want to wish you strength during these times.

 

[MarieIG]

I am so sorry Terry. It says alot about what you have been going through - that you have a feeling of relief. Wishing you the best.

 

[Teacher Terry]

Thanks everyone for your support. Jerry I went and typed the correct word. I definitely didn’t mean expected). I intend to remain single. Luckily I have a good support system of family and friends. The last 5 years have been stressful with some big life events such as 5 good friends dying. I have been in Nevada 24 years and love it so that’s on the plus side.

 

[Chuckanut]

It was a big shock but since retiring 9 years ago he has changed. I am constantly fighting his tendencies to hoard, he went from easy going to angry outbursts and virtually does nothing to help around the house. In many ways it’s like having a child to take care of.

It's hard for a group of strangers to know what is going on in another FIRE'd persons life on this site. The one thing that stands out to me is his physical health. Has he had a thorough physical exam to find out if his changed personality might have a physical cause? I have a friend who found out - after his wife walked out on him - that he had a growth of some sort on one of his glands that was throwing his hormones for loop. A big loop. He confided in me that had he seen a doctor 6 months earlier, the marriage might have been saved. Or maybe not. There is no way of knowing for certain.

I expect that men's experiences at being divorced are different from those of women. From what I have seen, men either have it a lot worse (loneliness, financial problems, bad diet, health issues, addictions, slovenly behaviors, repellent to women), or a lot better (active life style, financially OK, good health, and plenty of gals who drop over with a casserole ).

My best wishes for a good new life. Take the best of your old life and merge with the good of a new life. Somehow most of us survive it. And those of your have have had a good strong marriage for decades with no major issues, please give thanks for it every day.

 

[ivinsfan]

Well dang...TT what a hard thing to be dealing with. I'm thinking a lot of the calm and relieved feelings you are having now, might be a bit of delayed or ongoing shock. You went from planning holidays and dealing with ongoing issues a lot of us have in our long term marriages to finding out about flat out reckless and health endangering behavior by someone you loved and trusted.

Be good to yourself and don't feel you have to wear the I'm OK , don't worry about me badge. In fact there is no way you can be OK 18 days into this. Ask for help from friends and family and don't bury that anger you must be feeling.

From your personality, I too think you will come out the other side of this OK and happy, but the journey will take some twists and turns. Please keep posting so we know you are alright.

 

[Teacher Terry]

This isn’t the first time he has cheated. Because it’s my third marriage I wasn’t eager to end it so I forgave him. Yes he sees a doctor regularly. He has gotten lazier over the years and literally does nothing to contribute. I expect him to live in a unorganized, disgusting mess. His mom was a hoarder and he hated it. He is becoming one too. He has never liked to get rid of his junk but now he is washing out plastic, glass containers and saving them. Our garage, partial basement, huge shed and his office are a disaster. I have a path to the washer and dryer in the garage.

 

[ivinsfan]

TT you have made a decision based on what's best for you and I applaud that. Being certain in something like this does takeaway some second guessing and anxiety.

You got this Terry!!!

 

[Dreamer]

It is amazing to me how quickly life can change. I have not experienced what you are going through. I would be so hurt and so angry. I am glad that you are able to make decisions for yourself. Please feel free to talk to us here. We are good listeners. Good luck with everything. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[W2R]

Teacher Terry, I am so sorry to read that this is happening to you! As you know, there is life after divorce and I hope things start looking up for you really soon. Take care, life will get better.

 

[Out-to-Lunch]

I am so sorry for your news. I hope you can pull through, and it sure sound like you are strong enough to do so. Best of luck.

 

[Sunset]

I have no advice, only best wishes for you.

 

[Bamaman]

I too am so sorry at what you're going through. It sounds as if your husband has a wandering eye--and is perhaps seriously obsessive compulsive. I wonder if there is a pill that helps much with OCD? Few people just won't setup and live by a set of rules and structure required to overcome the addiction to "stuff."

I'm just glad you are getting out before the hoarding hems you in.

In my family, I've trashed 700 lbs. of empty Blackburn jelly jars from Dollar General. And I've thrown out huge balls of rubber bands and stacks of pre-used and recycled aluminum foil sheets. It's not out of the ordinary, but then things can get out of control.

At least you're getting out. Shall you have a clean and orderly place to live.

 

[RobbieB]

Rubber bands and used foil?

 

[mountainsoft]

A few days before Xmas I accidentally found out my husband was treated for 2 STD’s. We have been together 23 years and married 17. After being divorced previously I purposely lived with him years before marrying to be sure it would work. My Xmas gift to him is a divorce.

Wow Terry, I'm so sorry. Infidelity can be devastating. I'm glad you're dealing with it for now, but don't be surprised if the emotions hit you later. Hang in there. It will get better.

I went through this with my wife many years ago. It was just a one time mistake but I was devastated. She was the love of my life and I had never been hurt so deeply. I chose to work through it and 20 years later we have a strong marriage again. But it was a punch to my gut and took years to rebuild trust. It still hurts when I think about it.

Having said that, I wouldn't go through it again. If there was ever a next time, it would be the end of our relationship. So I understand your calm reaction to the situation. Fool me twice and all that...

Take care, I wish you the best.

 

[chris2008]

I am so sorry. You have been through a lot together. But you deserve a better future than that.
All the best to you.

 

[chris2008]

And change your will. Now.

 

[skipro33]

So sorry to hear this. It's one thing to cheat, it's totally another to cheat AND get an STD or two. STD's are not common with an affair. Affairs are usually someone he has known for a while. He's been slumming it with some pretty low life partners to get 2 STD's. Not only cheat with likely hookers, but unprotected? Something is seriously wrong with anyone taking that risk. You are doing the right thing and good on you for finding out.

 

[Montecfo]

Teacher Terry,

Very tough situation but it sounds like you are handling it well. All the best.