Had issue with a neighbor, need advice

[Gumby]

wow. diversity of opinions. if you write an apology letter, please do not make it a non-apology letter.... "i am sorry IF i bla bla bla" as soon as you insert the if, you are saying that if i did NOT "whatever", then i am not apologizing. Also avoid the word but. "I am sorry i got upset but...." As soon as you throw out the but, it negagtes the entire apology. simply man up, say "i was wrong. seriously wrong. I reacted horribly to the situation and i am sorry." (if you were friends before, you can reach out and say somehing like... "I hope to one day regain at least some part of the friendship we used to have". fall on your sword. if you were wrong, then make no "qualifications" in your apology.

Just my two cents.

Good points all. A proper apology (to anyone) admits without equivocation what was done, acknowledges that the act was wrong, when possible offers a remedy for damages done, and pledges reformed behavior in the future.

 

[JPatrick]

You chose not to provide any specifics, which is certainly your call, but I suspect the nature of the incident would dictate the type of response that would be appropriate.
Who knows, maybe a peace accord is more appropriate than an apology.

 

[LakeTravis]

Okay, since nobody has asked yet - I will.

What did you get so upset with him about?

 

[Redbugdave]

Yeah, Now we have a need to know...

 

[MDJO]

Mike, let it go. It's over. Just wave when you see him and forget it. He is never going to totally forgive you.

 

[jazz4cash]

Good points all. A proper apology (to anyone) admits without equivocation what was done, acknowledges that the act was wrong, when possible offers a remedy for damages done, and pledges reformed behavior in the future.

It may be difficult to actually write a letter without violating some of the suggestions above. Perfect situation for a greeting card that says no more than
"I over-reacted....I apologize" sent by snail mail if necessary.

 

[aaronc879]

It may be difficult to actually write a letter without violating some of the suggestions above. Perfect situation for a greeting card that says no more than
"I over-reacted....I apologize" sent by snail mail if necessary.

How do you know he over reacted? He hasn't told us how it started. I've called the police on a neighbor. I've also yelled at a neighbor and i'm just about the most mild-mannered person you'll ever meet. Some people deserve to have the police called on them or get yelled at. I can't comment more without knowing more details.

 

[ronin]

How do you know he over reacted? He hasn't told us how it started. I've called the police on a neighbor. I've also yelled at a neighbor and i'm just about the most mild-mannered person you'll ever meet. Some people deserve to have the police called on them or get yelled at. I can't comment more without knowing more details.

Pretty much my experience as well. I was only that wound up once at a neighbor and my feeling was screw 'em until they apologized. Which they did.

 

[KM]

I think you can feel bad about how you handled something without saying you "overreacted" or thinking you were necessarily wrong in your opinion.


Not speaking for Mike - but my sense is that he feels he was wrong to behave the way he did in that particular situation. He is probably right, as screaming, name calling and swearing are rarely justified. He might have been justified in being angry or upset - but swearing and name calling is rarely appropriate.

Therefore, I think dropping a quick note in his mailbox saying - I handled the situation poorly and just want to apologize for the way I did handle it - is more than appropriate.

What the neighbor chooses to do or not do after that is his choice. But Mike will probably feel better for accepting his behavior was inappropriate. Clearly he feels that way, as it has been bothering him for a while now.

 

[photoguy]

Send your apology with a gift basket.

 

[2035]

There are two reasons why people apologize, 1. Because they know their conduct has been inappropriate and offensive to another person or 2. Because, regardless of whether or not they feel culpable for their conduct, they are sorry for offending the other person. If it's the former, you have an ethical responsibility to apologize regardless of how that apology might be received. The recipient, however, has no obligation to accept your apology, made on your schedule.

Three months? You gotta be kidding me!?!? Okay, here's what you do. Put on your big boy undies and send a heartfelt card apologizing for what happened and the unacceptable tardiness of its arrival and include a Starbucks gift card with a note that says, "perhaps we can start over and meet over coffee. I promise, I'll switch to decade (wink wink).

Again, keep in mind, that person is still under no obligation to accept. I've been screamed at by a nutty neighbor and chose not to deal with him after he apologize a month later. When someone apologizes within a day or two, they're sorry for hurting you. When they apologize after weeks/months, they're clearing their own conscience,

Good luck

 

[veremchuka]

Maybe I'm going out on a limb perhaps but Mikec is new, he joined this month, he has 3 posts so far.... and this is his 3rd posting? My point is as a new person I'd think one might not mention this type of an incident as it does not present an amicable personality/nature. He has gotten some harsh comments deserved or not that is not my point.

My point is and I don't know maybe I'm all wet but it seems odd to me that a new poster would lay this out in their 3rd appearance here. Usually a new person takes some time to become acquainted before spilling his guts about what appears to be antisocial behavior.

This may be legit but to me it doesn't pass the smell test. Maybe I'm wrong but that's what I thought reading this.

 

[haha]

There are two reasons why people apologize, 1. Because they know their conduct has been inappropriate and offensive to another person or 2. Because, regardless of whether or not they feel culpable for their conduct, they are sorry for offending the other person. If it's the former, you have an ethical responsibility to apologize regardless of how that apology might be received. The recipient, however, has no obligation to accept your apology, made on your schedule.

Three months? You gotta be kidding me!?!? Okay, here's what you do. Put on your big boy undies and send a heartfelt card apologizing for what happened and the unacceptable tardiness of its arrival and include a Starbucks gift card with a note that says, "perhaps we can start over and meet over coffee. I promise, I'll switch to decade (wink wink).

Again, keep in mind, that person is still under no obligation to accept. I've been screamed at by a nutty neighbor and chose not to deal with him after he apologize a month later. When someone apologizes within a day or two, they're sorry for hurting you. When they apologize after weeks/months, they're clearing their own conscience,

Good luck

Actually, there are quite a few other reasons, to manipulate the other party being a common one. To feign remorse and hope to manipulate the legal machinery, when it might appear that charges might be forthcoming, etc.

Lots of reasons. IF one is apologizing to his girlriend or wife, it might be that he is tired of sleeping alone, even though he might feel 100% in the right about whatever the issue was. I have apologized to a grown son, merely to defuse tension. He might have been right, I might have been right, but either is beside the point.

My Dad had an idea that I find helpful even now- Keep Your Eye on the Ball. You set up runs by making contact with the pitch. Anything that distracts you from this pitch is bad idea, however right or proper it may seem. Because the point is to score.

Ha
.

 

[eytonxav]

My Dad had an idea that I find helpful even now- Keep Your Eye on the Ball. You set up runs by making contact with the pitch. Anything that distracts you from this pitch is bad idea, however right or proper it may seem. Because the point is to score.

Ha
.

Your starting to sound like Jodie Foster J/k

 

[JPatrick]

The more this thread progresses, the more I'm inclined to suggest the old Flaming Bag of Dog Crap on the Doorstep.

Frankly, my real dilemma is, exactly which doorstep to put it on--the neighbor, the OP, and now we have Jodie Foster in the mix..

 

[jazz4cash]

How do you know he over reacted? He hasn't told us how it started. I've called the police on a neighbor. I've also yelled at a neighbor and i'm just about the most mild-mannered person you'll ever meet. Some people deserve to have the police called on them or get yelled at. I can't comment more without knowing more details.

You're right, but OP did say he was "way out of line" so maybe I assumed too much. I never meant it that literally, but either way, I apologize.

 

[heeyy_joe]

Too late! Let it be. Best you can do now is, as others have said, a friendly wave, or watch for an opportunity to display consideration or kindness. Now, when someone goes off all crazy toward you, can you be the calm adult? If or when that happens, whether your neighbor is ever to find out, I'm pretty sure that is what he would want for you.

Cheers! Joe