Happy Marriages (the un-divorce thread)

[Bestwifeever]

Pretty sure we just made each other laugh and we had great chemistry. We didn't think or plan beyond that.

 

[Which Roger]

“Choose your life's mate carefully. From this one decision will come 90 percent of all your happiness or misery.”

Bingo. The key to a successful marriage is to marry the right person. For me, that took learning from some near-misses (i.e., relationships that were mostly good but had one fatal flaw) then when the right person finally came along, I was able to see it.

 

[Freedom56]

What works for the success of your marriage?

We have been together just over 27 years and married just over 25 years. She took my breath away the first time we met and she still does. A successful marriage is all about family, communications, going out and having fun, being physically active. All marriages have ups and downs, but people just need to work through their problems. Long marriages are rare in California and many other places. People just give up too easily or marry for the wrong reasons.

Marriage isn't for everyone. Many women and men I have known since grade school never married. They are all successful professionals, but I guess never met the right person. They seem to be happy too.

 

[Teacher Terry]

I married young and it only lasted 3 years. I married again and stayed for 22 years until the last kid was 18. I dragged him to counseling numerous time but in the end it was a life sentence and I got out. I swore I would never marry again. I met my current husband and let him know I had no plans to marry. After 5 years of living together I changed my mind. We have been happily together for 20 years. Yes it comes down to figuring out who is the right person. Also every marriage hits rough patches but if the marriage is good it is much easier to work through them.

 

[Koogie]

Counterpoint ! .....

 

[Car-Guy]

“Choose your life's mate carefully. From this one decision will come 90 percent of all your happiness or misery.”
(paraphrasing)

This thread and the adage above makes me stop and think about who I could have married. Absolutely scares the bejeebers out of me "now" to imagine how a couple of those would have likely turned out. Glad I thought those through with the "head" God gave me on my shoulders.

 

[imoldernu]

60 years as of 6 days ago. Four sons who are older than many here on ER.

...But that pales into insignificance compared to our close friends who are 97 and 98, and have been married for 77 happy years. DW jeanie's bridge group, and usually winners. Has taken a while, but I'm learning from Kelly who attributes his happy marriage with this wise comment:

"Helen is always right!"

 

[Teacher Terry]

M FIL had 2 long very happy marriages. Both his wives died. He always said a happy marriage was one in which the wife made all the little decisions and him the big ones. Then he would say so far there haven't been any big ones)

 

[jollystomper]

Dw and I have been married for 35 years. One key aspect that has helped our marriage - TRUST. This is not the same as Love. I noticed, from a man's standpoint, many guys who said they loved their wives/girlfriends even while behaving in untrustworthy manners. I saw, in DW's family, the lack of trust that existed among them, and how important trust was to her. That took me probably a good 10 years into our marriage to figure out.

Another key aspect - we learned to not complain about each other to other people. Building good communications can help minimize this, as it makes it easier to take out differences. But we also saw a surprising number of people who essentially were happy to hear us complain even help us justifying continuing to complain, as if they were glad to think that our marriage had problems. And even worse... some who felt this was a "signal" that we were looking for "something else", and started showing that they were interested in being that "something else".

 

[Bestwifeever]

Another key aspect - we learned to not complain about each other to other people.

Yes x 10–it is so tiresome to listen to and it makes the complainer look worse. Also sniping at each other in public is not at all productive.

 

[skipro33]

43 years we've been married. Met at 16 in high school and married at 18 after I joined the service. We've often been asked how our marriage has been so successful. If I had to narrow it down, I'd have to say three things;
1. Marry young before you become set in your ways. We weren't ever really on our own so there was never really any compromise when we set up house.
2. Move FAR away from parents. Especially hers. I was stationed in Mississippi and we moved from California. We were broke, but not poor and really we had to work it out. It was swim or swim. To sink would have meant being all on your own, thousands of miles away from family without the funds to find a way back. Failure was just not an option.
3. Marriage is 100/100. You either give 100% of yourself to this other person, or you compromise. Marriage isn't a compromise, it's 100% x 2. Something greater than equal. The total commitment to this other person and the total trust that they have your best interests over their own 100% has been our formula for our wedded bliss. There is nothing we don't do for each other and we don't wait to be asked either. If she strips the bed and I see the sheets on the floor, I pick them up and put them in the washer. If she comes home and needs to sit down for a bit before fixing dinner, I fix dinner. No comparing who is more tired than who, she's tired and that's all that matters. We take care of each other and in so doing, our needs are also met with 100% commitment, willingness and eagerness.

Some day one of us will outlive the other. I can't imagine how the other will carry on, but I do think we are soul mates and we'll continue to always be able to communicate with each other.

 

[97guns]

Only 3 years into my first marriage to a woman on her second with an 8 year old son, was a little choppy out of the gate but everything has been great since, I’m Thailand now to bring her son back to the states and I will adopt him.

I focused on finances too much early on and not so much on relationships

 

[ejman]

48 years here. First one for both of us. What makes it work? Easy - she's my best friend.

 

[hesperus]

Happily married to my first and only wife for 11 years. First marriage for both of us, we married later in life which has certainly been a good choice for me. She's also younger than me by about a decade.
When asked about our age difference, I always say marry a younger woman - they tell shorter life stories
Seriously, she is my best friend, too.

 

[Jerry1]

People just give up too easily . . .

While there are certainly many marriages that are justified in ending, I think the above is too often true. Thus one key to a long marriage is to keep trying.

Been married 37 years in a couple days and I’m not sure how we make it work. I think one big key is two people that naturally get together (marry the right person).

My take on marriage, for me, is that after the early years and after the kids, I have more love and respect for DW than ever. When you stick it out, you grow together. Great for those who start off great together, but for me, it took time. Sure, the infatuation love is gone, but the connection is far stronger today than ever.

 

[Dash man]

This may be the best thread ever!

Married 19 years. She was widowed in 1984 with a 2 year old, and I was divorced in 1993 with a 4 year old. I supported her through her serious battle with two cancers, and she supported me through depression. There were challenges along the way, but we supported each other and every year has brought us closer together. I couldn’t imagine being without her. Trust, communication, financial goals, retirement lifestyle...all good together. Three grandchildren now and loving life! Two have become one.

 

[Souschef]

Married 11 years. We met through a grief recovery website, both having lost our spouses. In chatting we discovered we were 40 miles apart and agreed to meet for lunch. The rest is history.
Life is funny, though. In the CSN song Southern Cross, there is a line.. I have been around the world looking for that woman. Well prior to meeting DW, I had been around the world, only to find her 40 miles away!

She shares my love of travel, and in those years we have been on 45 trips, but are slowing down.
One of the most important things is communication, and to recognize the strengths in each other.
We recently had a pendant made from her old engagement ring and a gold bracelet of mine. On the back I had engraved "Prov 31:10
"10 A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies."

 

[ohyes]

38 years-- later this month. Going for a long weekend in Lafayette, LA to celebrate. Our first visit there and guessing not that many folks celebrate there. Looking forward to it.

I swear --our early-on secret was DH's commitment. Who would have guessed? He was an unorthodox kind of soul, awesome character, but not a marriage candidate according to his friends and family.

I finally caught onto the huge commitment significance years later. In the early years, when I was often ready to bolt, he stood firm. I am eternally grateful for that.

He makes me laugh every day and he is my bulwark. I can be his, but not as often.

 

[Which Roger]

This thread and the adage above makes me stop and think about who I could have married. Absolutely scares the bejeebers out of me "now" to imagine how a couple of those would have likely turned out. Glad I thought those through with the "head" God gave me on my shoulders.

"The only thing worse than being alone is wishing you were alone".

 

[street]

My marriage has been one that is very different to most but it works for us. My interests are completely 180 degrees apart from hers. What she like I don't and what I like she doesn't. I do my thing she does hers and we are very happy and I really honestly can not remember if we have ever argued in our 36 years of marriage.

We trust each other we spend time together at our home and travel some together and go some places together but that is really the extent of our relationship spending time together. I can go where ever when ever and she encourages me to do so. I'm the same way with her if she wants to do or go places and I don't she does it and I have no problems with it at all. I love the outdoors and spend 100's of day in the back country without her. I also own a ranch and spend a lot of time there working it and enjoying the outdoors etc.. She doesn't go to the ranch and work it with me. She does a lot of volunteer work and that is one of her loves of life plus many other things she enjoys.

It works for us very very well. I have also felt very lucky to have a person like that to go through life with.

Our valves in life are a like but our political views are 180 apart but can talk and visit about politics in a level/neutral/civil manner. She excepts me and I except her for who we are.

I always tell her I will see you on the flip flop. LOL

 

[timo2]

Been married 36 years. Both retired. we are total opposites, and we are both best friends, and happy with the finances. and we both realize that if we broke up the finances would be a disaster. So that's that.

 

[rayinpenn]

I was in my early 30s, had a good job, a graduate degree, a beautiful apartment, wasn’t a player and had no significant vices and lived simply which, apparently made me a catch. The late/mid twenty ladies in the office made their interest clear and I had my choices. She worked in my office as the bosses secretary when secretaries still existed. The reality my biggest fault was that I was ‘gun shy’ having had a very bad break up in my early twenties. Still It occurred to me one day that she was a very nice gal. I was spouse shopping- thought I doubt I realized it at the time. With the aide of a few beers we finally ‘hooked up’ on a office fishing trip that i had planned (Pardon the pun.. oh and hooked up doesn’t mean what some use it for today) and we started dating. I recall vividly after a few dates asking her to dinner one night and she said we can buy a steak and cook it at your place. I believe I heard the sound of a cash register and angels singing. The truth is She took charge of my life and sent us down the path of LBYM. We shared the desire to live simply, save first, not be a slave to things and always buy less than we could afford so that we might avoid much of life’s financial stresses. My intuition was right and it is a decision I’ve never regretted.

An example of the litmus test of a successful marriage: Having you spouse stand next to the shower after your knee surgery to help with getting in, out and if you start to lose balance.

As others have said a vacation and break up to the routine helps greatly.

 

[DrRoy]

Communication and listening, REALLY Listening, and voicing back what you understand for clarification, has been the key for us. Give and take, it's not always 50/50, sometimes 90/10. Be open to change. Stay on the same wavelength with kids, if you have them. Remembering what you fell in love with about each other. Expressing "I love you".
Time together and "me time" is important also.
Going on 40 years! It hasn't always been fun or easy, however, I know he always has my back and we still make each other laugh!

This is most of it, I would say. We had our 37th anniversary this year. We share some interests (like photography) which is handy. Travelling is good. We see new stuff and it gets rid of some chores like cooking and dishes.

 

[JoeWras]

Families matter. Two functional families have a better chance of producing a good marriage than dysfunctional.

I w*rk with people from a culture with a lot of arranged marriages and that's a lot of how they work. One co-w*rker ended up finding someone else. She had to do it in reverse, i.e. the families had to agree to their marriage idea. It took 6 years.

 

[donheff]

34 years. We head out together on bike rides 3-5 times a week. The family that rides together stays together. Also, we have been lucky enough to see eye to eye on finances, ER, housing, travel, dining. We both have some separate things we do but are together for most things and enjoy each others company.