Happy Marriages (the un-divorce thread)

[brett]

I suspect that the very worst thing is to get married thinking that you will change the other person into someone else. It seldom happens and seems to be very much of a false hope. We have seen a few people do this. It eventually ended in tears and heartache in all instances.

We had significant differences in religion, politics,etc. when we married. Neither of us tried for a minute to change the other. We simply respected their views, position, etc. We always thought that it would be very boring if we agreed on everything and left no room for discussion thought.

 

[MRG]

MRG, I think once someone marries the expectation that a parent will pay for college goes away. At that point you are making adult decisions and deciding to support yourself and your spouse.

I didn't explain it well. We talked about going to college as he'd promised. In order for him to pay I had to break things off and agree to never see her again. Seriously? You can't manipulate people and tell them who they love.

He constantly badgered me about marrying her, what a huge mistake I'd made. The behavior only ended with his death.

 

[HFWR]

https://youtu.be/vieQAhuqyl0

 

[Teacher Terry]

MRG, I totally get it now. If I didn't like one of my kids partners I kept it to myself because the more you object the more they want the person. Besides it is not my business to pick my kids partners. No wonder you had a terrible relationship with your father. Way too controlling.

 

[Bestwifeever]

... I don't think we should pat ourselves on the back too much if we've been in a good relationship for a long time, or beat ourselves up too much if we haven't....

Yes. And timing is everything.

 

[PawPrint53]

37 years for us and we both had been married before. He had a daughter, I had a son, then we had a daughter together. My son's brother had been in our life from day 1 so I adopted him when he was 30, and then my DH's first daughter from a teenage relationship came into our lives, which was a joy. We met at a community college, and after we married, he worked while I got my degree, then he got his degree. We both went on for Master's degrees. Having young kids, working full time and going to school was pretty tough both financially and mentally, but we made it through the rough years and are now enjoying our retirement years. Not sure what makes it work, but mostly we enjoy each other's company and share a lot of common interests.

 

[Scuba]

I love this thread! So many inspirational comments here.

DH and I just celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary. Been together over 22 years. I think for us, we have similar values and have a lot of respect for each other, plus we make each other laugh. He’s very easygoing and easy to live with. We each like some time apart - me with volunteer work or friends, him alone with his techie interests. However, when we travel, we are together pretty much 24/7 for months and enjoy time together a lot too. We do express love and appreciation for each other every day.

I can honestly say we haven’t had to work too hard to love each other and enjoy being together. I try not to say that too often because I have friends in long marriages who talk about how it’s hard work. Luckily for us it hasn’t been.

 

[bigcmagor]

During the last couple of years since the kids have all graduated from college, moved out and are starting their professional careers and families, it feels like the clock has been turned back for my bride and I to those first five years when we were dating. It’s a honeymoon all over again!

35 years as of next month. I really looked forward to the kids moving out and starting their lives so that we could go back to the days where I'd lose the clothes and chase DW around the house. Never imagined the look of terror on her face when I tried it out though.....

 

[1242Vintage]

35 years as of next month

Congratulations on 35 years. That’s fantastic!!!

 

[audreyh1]

On top of that, there are so many other variables that determine whether or not a relationship will succeed in the long term, I don't think we should pat ourselves on the back too much if we've been in a good relationship for a long time, or beat ourselves up too much if we haven't.

Agreed. If things are great, it’s a blessing.

 

[frayne]

Going on forty years of matrimony and lived together five years before tying the knot. I think marrying later (me 28 and her 25) helped increase the chances of marriage longevity. We both had good jobs and were on the same page when it came to spending and staying out of debt and can honestly say we have never had any financial hardships and are more fortunate than many in that category. I'd also comment respecting and giving each other space, helps immensely.

 

[gwraigty]

Married 26 years to my best friend. We're just a couple of homebodies. I don't have much else to add to all of the other great comments about what makes it work.

We love each other and like each other. That's important. Patience, kindness, respect, similar values, sense of humor. I wouldn't want to be without him.

 

[happy2bretired]

I’ve been thinking about this thread and debating if I should reply.

My late husband and I met through local singles newspaper ad back in 1985. Just think of it as pre-internet dating site. This is the ad that we used to top the groom’s cake at our wedding.

We had 20 wonderful years together. We created a marriage together through a respectful partnership and some compromises along the way.

 

[harllee]

I’ve been thinking about this thread and debating if I should reply.

My late husband and I met through local singles newspaper ad back in 1985. Just think of it as pre-internet dating site. This is the ad that we used to top the groom’s cake at our wedding.

We had 20 wonderful years together. We created a marriage together through a respectful partnership and some compromises along the way.


View attachment 29090

happytoberetired aww that is so sweet. I know you miss that great guy.

DH and I have been married 46 years. 48 years ago we met on the dance floor. I love to dance and he is a wonderful dancer. We dance every weekend, just got back from 4 hours of flatfooting. We are still very much in love. My advice is to find a passion and someone who is also passionate about the same thing.

 

[happy2bretired]

Happy to hear you have had 46 years together. I’m laughing because dancing was not something that either of us cared about. Seems like in happy marriages we all find what we actually need to balance each other.

 

[jollystomper]

MRG, I totally get it now. If I didn't like one of my kids partners I kept it to myself because the more you object the more they want the person. Besides it is not my business to pick my kids partners. No wonder you had a terrible relationship with your father. Way too controlling.

This reminds me of DW's best friend from high school's situation. She went to an Ivy League college and met and fell in love with a guy. They had a lot in common, particularly shared religious values, and by the time they graduated were discussing marriage. However, the man's father did not like the situation because they were of different racial backgrounds. At one point he said to his son, "I know she shares our values, but I just can't see myself with mixed race grandchildren".

They did get married two years after DW and I did. The only ones from his family that attended were a brother and sister. The Dad forbade his other siblings, who were under 18, to go. His mother wanted to go, but went along with his Dad.

The amazing thing is that DW's friend and her husband never displayed any animosity towards him, though he barely communicated with them for years after the wedding. They continued to send him cards/gifts on his birthday and holidays. When their first child was born they sent him pictures and would keep him updated on her progress. It took another couple of years, but when their third child was born the Dad finally broke down and begged their forgiveness for his actions.

DW's friend and her husband have been happily married now for 33 years and have 8 kids who are all doing very well. They told us the toughest thing they had to explain to their kids as they grew up is why there are no pictures of his parents or family (beyond the two who did show up) at their wedding, as they did not want them to think badly of their grandparents. But before their grandfather died, he did tell them directly why, and asked them to forgive him as well.

 

[morriss003]

42 years together. She was an educator, often working 12 hour days. After 35 years she retired. That was 5 years ago. Since then we've traveled the world, usually about 60-70 days a year.

 

[zippy2020]

Going on 44 yrs now. A bad memory can be the most useful trait of all in a good marriage.

IOW, don't carry around resentments. Be kind and loving even when you don't want to be interrupted. Say "I love you" and "I love being together with you" as often as you think about it, because everybody you love needs to HEAR those words. Never ever ever think that "actions speak louder than words" and that you don't need to say aloud "I love you".

Forget gender. My DH was surprised as heck when I would occasionally send him flowers at work. His co-workers kidded him, but they confessed they were a little jealous because their wives had never done that! Chocolates, of course, were the supreme gift, because most had never had the super-premium chocolates I would give him (he's got a sweet tooth, LOL).

There are things we do together, and other activities we do separately. Keeps life interesting and retirement gives us the luxury of doing things when we feel like doing, not when we have to.

 

[Ally]

We will be married 34 years this year. Compared to both our first marriages, I think we both appreciate being married to someone who is responsible and honest about money, and thrifty. Since they say money is the number one argument in marriages, that takes that issue off the table for us.

Having common interests and senses of humor has been a good basis for us. We both appreciate so many qualities in the other and that helps, too.

We seldom have tiffs, but if we do, they melt away as soon as we spend time with our pets or when the 5 grandkids come over.

Overall, we have a very easy, comfortable and satisfying marriage. I love the fact that he raised my two children from a very early age (I was divorced and then their dad died in a car wreck). Our kids and grandkids love him like crazy and that makes me fall for him again every time I see them running to him and hugging him.

 

[Rianne]

August, 2018, 34 years - first marriage for both of us. No kids, FIRE and both have separate hobbies. Past few days we've been snipping at each other for silly things. Unusual for us, but my DB is living with us until mid-August so a little tension in the house.

I realize my DH is my best friend, that sounds so cliche. I trust him with my weirdest thoughts. I can tell him anything and not be judged. I can ask him any question and he never makes fun of me. We disagree on many things but agree to disagree.

On our honeymoon in Cancun, 1984, we went up an ancient Mayan Ruin and on the backside of the ruin was a drop off into the ocean. It was unexpected and I developed a fear of heights because of that one experience. I fell to my knees, sweating and crawled down the ruin in total embarrassment as other tourists watched. DH never once, questioned or made fun of that horrible experience and totally understood throughout our entire marriage my fear of heights.

We stayed in a hotel with a windowed elevator, I refused to go up. We went to a Cardinal's game in St. Louis, had seats pretty high, I refused to go up there. On vacation in Yosemite, I was on the floor in the backseat driving on the scariest two lane road up a mountain with no guardrails. He gently gave me a book and said read to me as he drove with no turn arounds and trucks coming in the opposite direction. I was frozen but read to him.

My fear gradually went away over the years. And that's only one hurdle. I can't even explain some of the stuff we've faced and the support is always there. Some of the stuff is hilarious and so stupid. I cannot believe I found my soulmate and I'm so sad when I hear about marriages that don't work for whatever reason. Divorce seems like a nightmare to me.