How to protect alcoholic relative?

[Teacher Terry]

I think it’s a great idea to visit her and you are being a wonderful sister.

 

[jazz4cash]

Sorry for implying that the alcoholism was not being addressed. Sounds like you have a good plan now to make contact. Hopefully Mr ex-felon will realize DS is not easy prey.

Good luck to you. You’re a good sib.

 

[pj.mask]

Seems pretty clear to me you can address the financial side:

Since they may go to jail, husband has Heath issues. If she trusts you, you can offer to put things in a trust - not to limit spending per se but to protect the money from lawsuits and to manage finances if one of them (husband) dies or becomes incapacitated. She would need to be on board with this.


That is a separate conversation from improving her life and as the others have said, is a stickie situation that I’m not going to get into.

 

[Badger]

Alcoholism is a tough one to watch when it is family. In my case it was my best friend for about 55 years ever since we were in high school. He was more like my brother. There was nothing I could do except be supportive to make sure he knew he still had a friend. Unfortunately he was subject to depression all his life and eventually stopped trying. I lost him a year ago when he decided that he had enough. I have to continually remind myself I did everything possible short of enabling him.



Glad you went to Al-Anon. Family and friends of alcoholics need a support group just like the alcoholic. Otherwise you will beat yourself up thinking there was something else you could have done.


Cheers!

 

[MuirWannabe]

Best wishes Scuba. For you and your sister. Addiction and mental health issues are horrible. Will pray for you guys.

 

[jollystomper]

I also agree that a visit to your sister, and to meet the friendly-but-potentially-questionable neighbor would be helpful.

 

[Scuba]

Thank you all for your support. Today my sister told me that her friendly neighbor has moved his office into her guest room and that he’s now sleeping there a couple of times per week. I asked her if she’d consider running a background check on him before this goes further and she said she thought it was a good idea. I told her I’d get it done for her. Could be a breakthrough, depending on how she reacts to what it says. I’m making calls tomorrow to get it done ASAP.

 

[dirtbiker]

Thank you all for your support. Today my sister told me that her friendly neighbor has moved his office into her guest room and that he’s now sleeping there a couple of times per week. I asked her if she’d consider running a background check on him before this goes further and she said she thought it was a good idea. I told her I’d get it done for her. Could be a breakthrough, depending on how she reacts to what it says. I’m making calls tomorrow to get it done ASAP.

This is good news. Keep us updated.

 

[Dtail]

Good news indeed. Let us know.

 

[Scuba]

DH and I decided to head down there tomorrow. I think the PI report will really upset her and might be better if delivered in person. Plus there are other things we can help her with. We are moving in less than 3 weeks and this timing sucks for us, but we didn’t want to wait another month plus. By then she might have signed the house over to the con man at the rate things seem to be moving!

Our visit may and the PI report or may not make a difference, but if it doesn’t, I’ll know I did everything I reasonably could to help. It’s still her choice but hopefully we can help her see more clearly what her best options are.

 

[pacergal]

Best of luck to you.
Dealing with friends/family with addiction issues is never easy, you want to do the most helpful and what's best. They are the ones who have to do the work on their own issues.

 

[Scuba]

Best of luck to you.
Dealing with friends/family with addiction issues is never easy, you want to do the most helpful and what's best. They are the ones who have to do the work on their own issues.

Yep. Thank you.

 

[Scuba]

OMG! It’s depressing how much her life has deteriorated in the last several months. Today was our first day here. She didn’t stay sober which was frustrating and disappointing. DH & I used the time to go through her mounds of very disorganized paperwork. I was able to simplify it into 2 small stacks - bills that need attention ASAP, and other matters to follow up on such as insurance policies that have lapsed due to non-payment. Her financial life is a disaster, although she does have some resources left - not much, but something.

We met her con man neighbor. He already has a key and appears to be fully moved in - clothes filling up a sizable guest BR closet, the guest bath is “his” bathroom, etc. He’s very charming and at the same time quite forceful. He kept saying he has a girlfriend and my sister is only a friend that he just wants to help. Bizarre that a virtual stranger is willing to provide so much “help” that he neglects his primary relationship, takes time away from his business, etc., all to “help” a neighbor who is 10 years older, a serious alcoholic, and he’s only known her for a bit longer than a year. He expects us to believe he wants nothing from her??

The saddest part is that I’m starting to think he will win despite our efforts. Even if we got her to sign a POA giving us authority over her assets so we could protect them for her, she is so vulnerable and weak that I fear he could easily get her to give him authority over everything after we leave, and then she’ll never see her assets again. She has a home with no debt currently worth around $225K plus financial assets of around $90K. Even if he only succeeds in getting the house, it would be a huge blow.

 

[tb001]

I’m so sorry scuba. That she was willing to see a PI report means she knows on some level there’s something off. If that’s the case, maybe she would be receptive to having assets placed in a trust? It sounds like that may be the best you can do. Is it possible to take over finances completely, so she doesn’t need access to the trust? Or require your signatures on things? That might at least prevent her from reassigning it later.

When I read your initial post, my thought was this could be a win win. She has someone to help and take care of her and he has a place to stay. But your update sounds more concerning.

My DB is an alcoholic, though in far worse shape than your DS. I’m sorry you’re stuck trying to hold things together. Addiction is a bear.

 

[Amethyst]

Scuba, were you able to show your sister the PI report on her "friend"? I wonder if she was drinking extra because she knew you had the report, and wanted to avoid seeing it.

 

[Amethyst]

The girl friend might be quite knowledgeable and even "in on it," so to speak. Getting regular "progress reports." Yes, I am making that up, but would not be surprised if it were true.

Feeling frustration on your behalf. You and husband are doing the right thing - the guy's had his bluff called. His next step could be to try to induce your sister not to trust you, so be careful.

He kept saying he has a girlfriend and my sister is only a friend that he just wants to help. Bizarre that a virtual stranger is willing to provide so much “help” that he neglects his primary relationship, .

 

[Scuba]

DH and I are still in the midst of our trip here, but so glad we came. My sister’s life is even worse than I realized. Her finances are a disaster zone - very disorganized, lots of unpaid and unopened mail and bills, etc. The con man supposedly wasn’t living with her fully, but the entire guest BR closet was full of clothes and he had keys to her place. We got him out today! On Thursday she told him we needed the guest room so we could stay there. Thursday night we changed the locks, and Friday she told him he couldn’t stay there any more and needed to pick up his belongings. He got extremely aggressive and threatened her with civil litigation and told her he had every right to be there and was coming back to stay. We went to the local police, and thank goodness they agreed to call him and tell him he had to get out at 8 am today. The police supervised the entire process. Yay, he’s gone!! And the girlfriend apparently kicked him out a while ago because he’s a con man. That’s when he targeted my sister. He needed another free place to stay.

My sister has agreed to go to long-term alcohol rehab (6 months plus) and her lawyer told her if she didn’t, she would likely go to jail on 11/22 for 1-2 years. We are trying to find a program to take her by next Tuesday. We also have to help her find a place for her cats and get me set up to take care of her finances, etc., while she’s there. Lots to do but I think this will be a fruitful trip!

Thanks to all for your interest and advice.

 

[Sunset]

DH and I are still in the midst of our trip here, but so glad we came. My sister’s life is even worse than I realized. Her finances are a disaster zone - very disorganized, lots of unpaid and unopened mail and bills, etc. The con man supposedly wasn’t living with her fully, but the entire guest BR closet was full of clothes and he had keys to her place. We got him out today! On Thursday she told him we needed the guest room so we could stay there. Thursday night we changed the locks, and Friday she told him he couldn’t stay there any more and needed to pick up his belongings. He got extremely aggressive and threatened her with civil litigation and told her he had every right to be there and was coming back to stay. We went to the local police, and thank goodness they agreed to call him and tell him he had to get out at 8 am today. The police supervised the entire process. Yay, he’s gone!! And the girlfriend apparently kicked him out a while ago because he’s a con man. That’s when he targeted my sister. He needed another free place to stay.

My sister has agreed to go to long-term alcohol rehab (6 months plus) and her lawyer told her if she didn’t, she would likely go to jail on 11/22 for 1-2 years. We are trying to find a program to take her by next Tuesday. We also have to help her find a place for her cats and get me set up to take care of her finances, etc., while she’s there. Lots to do but I think this will be a fruitful trip!

Thanks to all for your interest and advice.

Great news and progress. Be sure to get POA over her finances so you are legally safe in case she changes her mind once you are gone.

 

[MuirWannabe]

Very good news. Maybe the best news of all is her agreement to go to long term rehab. Hopefully it takes and she can someday retake control of her own life

 

[Scuba]

Great news and progress. Be sure to get POA over her finances so you are legally safe in case she changes her mind once you are gone.

She has signed paperwork adding me to her accounts. Would like to also get POA but haven’t done it yet. At least I can legally move $$ between investments and checking, and can pay bills.

 

[omni550]

Sounds like great progress!

You're a good sis.

omni

 

[Amethyst]

This is great news! It actually plays out in my mind like a scene from a good movie. I hope all the good guys continue to win, and the villain is gone for good. Also that your sister is able to face down the real villain, alcoholism. She is very lucky to have you!!

 

[pacergal]

Bless you, Scuba, for taking time to be with her and help. Its not an easy road, however it sounds like your sister is willing to accept help and hopefully recognizes her addiction needs work.
Glad you have been able to take the steps to get con man out and start financial support.

 

[Teacher Terry]

Great news!

 

[Scuba]

Does anyone know of a cat fostering service in the Tampa, FL area? We need to try to find someone who will care for two indoor cats for six months. Neighbors, friends and family have been explored already.