How Your Kids Can Ruin Your Retirement

Can't always blame the kids.


My neighbor kicked his wife out after numerous attempts of rehab and eventually divorced. Kids got POed at him after the 4th time. She drained bank accounts, retirement plans, and his heart, just in time to battle cancer by himself. Right now everything is good, but waiting for the good old kick in the teeth when a relapse occurs.
 
Friends sent oldest Daughter to alcohol rehab several times over 5 years. Luckily it finally worked before they ran out of $$.

I have a 25 year old son with depression who we are "helping" . He's on new meds now so hoping he can get life together and find a job. It s an emotional roller coaster.
 
Years ago I read a book called "Letting Go of Your Adult Children". The author was the mother of 4 adult children. I think she was a clinical psychologist. 3 of the 4 children were very successful, independent professionals, and the 4th (maybe the baby, I don't remember) was an alcoholic drug addict. The author and her husband tried many times to help the child out, always with the promise from the child that he was going to turn his life around. Finally they had to give up on trying to help him.
It's a helpful book for those going through something like this. Not a happy place to be.

One aspect she touches on is the feeling of guilt parents have, often blaming themselves for some fault in their parenting, yet she points out that many of these stories have successful siblings, raised by the same parents.
She figured parents take more credit than they deserve when things turn out well, and more blame than they deserve when they don't.
https://www.amazon.com/Letting-Go-O...ay&sprefix=letting+go+of+our+a,aps,153&sr=8-2
 
TT – thanks for sharing your heartbreaking story about your son. You (and others who have posted in similar situations) helped me in an unexpected way. Shortly before DH’s accident, we had just dropped BIL off at rehab (again). BIL remained a severe alcoholic for the next 20 years or so – the kind that would arrive at the ER with a stab wound and not know how it happened and call the parents declaring if he couldn’t come home, they left him with no choice but to just end it all.

I see my in-laws a little more clearly now: one son profoundly brain-damaged and the other an addict, both under the age of 23. These were their only children. I was really hurt and angry they were so absent with DS1 and his care after the accident and the decades of the aftermath. They knew I was doing everything possible for DS1 and maybe that was a relief for them – perhaps the situation with DS2 was all the heartbreak they could bear.

By the time DS2 got sober (around his early 40s), my relationship with all of them was in ruins and we just never really recovered.

Perhaps we all just did the best we could amidst the wreckage of our dreams and now, I can let some things go.

I wish you peace.
 
I know two sisters, at 22 one graduated college got married and has a baby the other is living on the streets and addicted to drugs. Known these kids most of their lives and just don't understand how they turned out so differently.
Saddens us..
 
Blue, how sad for the parents. People respond differently to grief. I certainly understand why you were angry.
 
At nearly 65 I’ve come to understand that I have no idea what makes people do the things they do. My Dad wasn’t a particularly educated man but he was stern and a hard worker. No doubt my kids will say something similar about me. Why some kids do what they do is a mystery to me. I believe that some people are predisposed to addiction. The few times i took opioids for surgeries i didnt like them at all. There’s probably a full bottle of the stuff in the cabinet right now.. Perhaps because I fear them.

There was a knee replacement patient that refused to take anything because her son was addicted.. it really impressed me.
 
rayinpenn said:
There was a knee replacement patient that refused to take anything because her son was addicted.. it really impressed me.
Click to expand...
After jaw surgery, i was given a prescription for oxycontin. I stopped taking it after the second day and the remainder stayed in the medicine cabinet. We finally gave it to a relative that was recuperating from surgery. At the time, the market value was $10/pill!
 
HadEnuff said:
Years ago I read a book called "Letting Go of Your Adult Children". The author was the mother of 4 adult children. I think she was a clinical psychologist. 3 of the 4 children were very successful, independent professionals, and the 4th (maybe the baby, I don't remember) was an alcoholic drug addict. The author and her husband tried many times to help the child out, always with the promise from the child that he was going to turn his life around. Finally they had to give up on trying to help him.
It's a helpful book for those going through something like this. Not a happy place to be.

One aspect she touches on is the feeling of guilt parents have, often blaming themselves for some fault in their parenting, yet she points out that many of these stories have successful siblings, raised by the same parents.
She figured parents take more credit than they deserve when things turn out well, and more blame than they deserve when they don't.
https://www.amazon.com/Letting-Go-O...ay&sprefix=letting+go+of+our+a,aps,153&sr=8-2
Click to expand...

workmyfingerstothebone said:
I know two sisters, at 22 one graduated college got married and has a baby the other is living on the streets and addicted to drugs. Known these kids most of their lives and just don't understand how they turned out so differently.
Saddens us..
Click to expand...


Yep, we've got this same thing in our extended family. One kid turns out great, one gets by with "help", another dead in his 30's due to a complicated cocktail of personal challenges. Presumably same parents and upbringing, very different outcomes. Tough...
 
workmyfingerstothebone said:
I know two sisters, at 22 one graduated college got married and has a baby the other is living on the streets and addicted to drugs. Known these kids most of their lives and just don't understand how they turned out so differently.
Saddens us..
Click to expand...

That is one of the mysteries of life for me... same parents, same DNA, same home environment, presumably the same schools, same opportunities.... and totally different outcomes.

I can say the same for our two kids... same all of the above but very different results. Cie' la vie! I feel lucky that they are both good people and doing well in their different ways.
 
FreeBear said:
Yep, we've got this same thing in our extended family. One kid turns out great, one gets by with "help", another dead in his 30's due to a complicated cocktail of personal challenges. Presumably same parents and upbringing, very different outcomes. Tough...
Click to expand...

As a teacher I talked with many parents who had several nice children and one who seemed on the road to being a sociopath. I've seen fathers break down and cry in the counselor's office as they learned of the latest outrage committed by their child. There was no rhyme or reason to it that anybody could see.

One of my pet peeves are people who have several very nice, successful children, and make ignorant, derogatory comments about parents with troublesome children. They usually say things like "If Joe and Amy just used firm discipline they would not have a kid who runs away and uses drugs." Maybe, maybe not. A parent can do all the right things and still have a child who is a jerk. As parents we love our kids, jerks or perfect. But, as they mature the #1 Rule of Life comes into play - You can't control other people.
 
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On the other side of the coin if it wasn't for marrying a good woman and having my daughters I could see me being dead or imprisoned by 30. Having someone to be better for was a great motivator.
 
Chuckanut said:
One of my pet peeves are people who have a several very nice, successful children, and make ignorant, derogatory comments about parents with troublesome children. They usually say things like "If Joe and Amy just used firm discipline they would not have a kid who runs away and uses drugs." Maybe, maybe not. A parent can do all the right things and still have a child who is a jerk. As parents we love our kids, jerks or perfect. But, as they mature the #1 Rule of Life comes into play - You can't control other people.
Click to expand...


I hear you. A similar common dynamic comes into play whether it's troubled kids or other bad stuff like health scares, think the Big C. With kids it's, "was he raised by a single parent or come from a broken home"? With health, it's "was he a smoker, was he overweight, etc."

In the end, the reality is that we aren't in control all of the time, even when it comes to our own body, let alone some other person. Maybe it's more comforting to find a "reason" for bad stuff, perhaps giving the illusion of control or at least the option of control, if one had enough foresight, discipline, etc.
 
It's a good thing we raised our only child to be independent, poor, but independent. We still help him out financially once in a while although he never asks for it. We view it as giving his inheritance earlier. But we will NEVER risk our ER b/c of DS. One shouldn't unless it is a critical situation. Personally, I know many retired people (1st generation Asian Americans) who gave up all their finances to their children and live in senior apartments, living on SS alone. Children don't deserve that level of parental generosity or sacrifice.
 
It is all down to choices. A good friend of DW's is slowly giving every dime of her retirement savings to her n'er do well, perennially unemployed son who abuses her emotionally.

He will be her loving son until the very day that her bank balance is zero. She has placed her son ahead of her husband (not his son), on countless occasions.

It will end it tears, sorrow, and regret for all three of them. Her retirement will be reduced to a bare existence. It is the path that she continues to choose.

She is a typical enabler.
 
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Chuckanut said:
As a teacher I talked with many parents who had several nice children and one who seemed on the road to being a sociopath. I've seen fathers break down and cry in the counselor's office as they learned of the latest outrage committed by their child. There was no rhyme or reason to it that anybody could see.
Click to expand...

I saw the same thing as a police officer. Same family, presumably about the same upbringing, church attendance, schools, etc. One family sticks in memory. Four kids. Three of them were exemplary contributing members of society, all grew up to thrive in highly regarded professions, medicine, military, I forget what third one did. The forth was a burglar.

But to give credit where it is due, he was a very good burglar.:facepalm:
 
It’s heartbreaking, and the truth is, we don’t know the “right” way to deal with it. It’s certainly true that some will come around when nobody enables them, others will come around with support and care, and many won’t or can’t ever get clean/sober. One study found that it took an average of 9 rounds of inpatient rehab before addicts got clean. But we know many don’t. It’s a scourge that’s killing our young people and devastating whole communities. Despite years doing related work in the field, I don’t know what we should do. We clearly shouldn’t put anybody on a waiting list for treatment, though.
 
Sorry to hear of his struggles TT, All you can do is try, it is up to him to decide to get clean. Best wishes to you and hopes for a miracle at some point.

VW
 
In my case, Al-Anon helped me raise 3 children (who chose “healthy” spouses) and stay married 34 years. I can’t imagine where I could have ended up.

Read the AA “Big Book” sometime. It was very eye opening.
 
I attended the funeral of a niece yesterday. She was 39. She spent a lot of time with DW and me when she was very small. She has had drug and alcohol problems for 20 years. She also stayed employeed and owned her own home. Not even the loss of her first husband about 5 years ago to drugs and alcohol could sway her and urging from the family including financial help did not work either. Even with her addictions, she was a very warm and caring person. Her death was extremely sad to her family and her Uncle Hermit.

I don't really have much to add to this thread. Just relaying a sad experience of where it too often ends.
 
a60dan said:
In my case, Al-Anon helped me raise 3 children (who chose “healthy” spouses) and stay married 34 years. I can’t imagine where I could have ended up.

Read the AA “Big Book” sometime. It was very eye opening.
Click to expand...

Reading through this thread, I was wondering when someone was going to bring up Alanon. We’ve found it to be great. Went to it at first thinking it would help my son. Found out later it’s helping me..
The three “Cs”. I didn’t cause it, I can’t cure it, and I sure can’t control it. Son is doing well right now. His cure is up to him.
 
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