We do have an EAP and I didn't even think of it. Thanks for the suggestion.
Indigent Parent With Failing Health Who Doesn't Want to Help Themself
- Thread starter FreqFlyer
- Start date
We do have an EAP and I didn't even think of it. Thanks for the suggestion.
A follow-up in case anyone was interested in how things came/are coming out.
POORLY.
Over the past few months, since my mother's stroke, I've contributed a few thousand dollars. In December and January the requests were for weird things that I felt didn't take priority e.g. 1) repair the satellite dish connection which broke in a storm 2) add my brother to my mother's phone plan. I'd always suspected that my mother was running so short of funds because she was supporting my older brother who continues to be unemployed. With each contribution I'd close with a note that said "remember mom your primary responsability is to yourself and you can't affort to support [my brother].
I inquired into her monthly budget to see how much she might run short each month and I learned that she was paying $120 a month on cable TV and $130 for phone and internet. If someone can't afford their food and medicine it seems crazy to me that one would spend 25% of their budget on "wants" and that's not even factoring in cigarretes.
Isn't internet, a prepaid phone and a netflix subscription sufficient?
My attempts to rationalize my mother's budget and refusal to support my brother (he's been living off our mother for 7 months now) went over like a ton of bricks.
My sister and I agreed to cover her home insurance to prevent the mortgage company taking it over and charging excessive fees or threatening foreclosure. Before the checks went out however my mother posted very bizzare and offensive things on Facebook towards myself and my sister. I suspect my mother got angry and was drinking. My sister got the sharper end of the barbs so she "unfriended" my mother and they are no longer speaking.
I guess the thread title says it all really - someone who doesn't want to help themselves.
At this point I think it's better to not get further involved so I'm staying away. Sad really but it is what it is.
POORLY.
Over the past few months, since my mother's stroke, I've contributed a few thousand dollars. In December and January the requests were for weird things that I felt didn't take priority e.g. 1) repair the satellite dish connection which broke in a storm 2) add my brother to my mother's phone plan. I'd always suspected that my mother was running so short of funds because she was supporting my older brother who continues to be unemployed. With each contribution I'd close with a note that said "remember mom your primary responsability is to yourself and you can't affort to support [my brother].
I inquired into her monthly budget to see how much she might run short each month and I learned that she was paying $120 a month on cable TV and $130 for phone and internet. If someone can't afford their food and medicine it seems crazy to me that one would spend 25% of their budget on "wants" and that's not even factoring in cigarretes.
Isn't internet, a prepaid phone and a netflix subscription sufficient?
My attempts to rationalize my mother's budget and refusal to support my brother (he's been living off our mother for 7 months now) went over like a ton of bricks.
My sister and I agreed to cover her home insurance to prevent the mortgage company taking it over and charging excessive fees or threatening foreclosure. Before the checks went out however my mother posted very bizzare and offensive things on Facebook towards myself and my sister. I suspect my mother got angry and was drinking. My sister got the sharper end of the barbs so she "unfriended" my mother and they are no longer speaking.
I guess the thread title says it all really - someone who doesn't want to help themselves.
At this point I think it's better to not get further involved so I'm staying away. Sad really but it is what it is.
CoolChange
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Thank you for taking the time to update us.
I do wish things would have turned out better for you. I, for one, do understand and support the decision you have made at this point for whatever that is worth.
I hope that neither you nor your sister look back with regrets years from now; but, I also have not advice for preventing that. Good luck.
Redbugdave
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
FreqFlyer...You did your best and that's all you can do. It's time to let it go. I know it hurts and will for quite a while. I have had a similar experience. But you have to get on with your own life and not be dragged down any more. Life is too short.
I must say, even with your update, I'm afraid I see things differently. I experienced all the same things you have with my mother (an alcoholic and abusive behavior to me) from the time I was a child up until most recently. She will be 95 years old this month and is now in a nursing home.
I had a sister who was the leach, and money I gave my mother, ended up in the pocket of my sister all too often. Being an alcoholic for so many years is a very difficult addiction to beat. Especially if they are a mean drunk, as they often attack the people who are trying to help them.
I would not totally abandon her. Especially before she is able to secure more manageable health insurance. I would suggest your sister and you pay for her home insurance and real estate taxes, so she will not lose her home and any medical need she has until she can obtain medicare, and then any other medical costs she may have that medicare does not cover.
I would tell her and your brother that you are willing to do this only if he gets himself a job, even if it is part time for $150 a week to contribute to the household and pay the cable and food bill. Irregardless if this happens, I would still assume the insurance, taxes and medical co-pays etc. You will most likely need to research available policies in her area, and select the best coverage plan you can find for her, as it sounds like neither her or your brother have the ability to do so. Forget about gratitude. You may never get it.
Your brother was undoubtedly a help for your mother during a time she needed the most help, and you can not discount that. If she is in very poor health, she will most likely continue to need help as she ages. At some point she will need to go into a nursing home, and you will be able to get her regular medicaid, but if there is no surviving spouse, they will take the house.
Another option for you. Florida has what is called a Diversion Program, where they will contribute a portion of money (anywhere from $1000 to $1300 a month towards the cost of an assisted living facility. Also, if she was married to a Veteran for 10 years or more who did not re-marry or does not have another living spouse, she could also receive another $1000 a month towards the assisted living home. The facility will take her social security and the Diversion payment will go directly to the facility.
When my mother could no longer care for herself (and was too abusive to live with) my sister and I got her qualified for regular medicaid and the diversion program. It paid for a less expensive but acceptable place we found, but the monthly rent was about $400 a month short, which my sister and I split and paid each month. We also paid $50 a month into a petty cash account for her each month, and took care of purchasing any other needs she might have (clothing, etc.) She did not own a house, so in your case she would need to sell the house.
They tell you she can not have any funds, but that is not actually true. If both your sister and you split the proceeds of the house between you and set up a care account for your mother, to be used only for the care of your mother, it will pass the mustard. The catch is, both you and your sister will have to pay taxes on the money as if it were income you received. However, in your case this would still be cheaper for you than having to pay out of pocket every month your mother's short fall.
Just some things for you to consider.
I had a sister who was the leach, and money I gave my mother, ended up in the pocket of my sister all too often. Being an alcoholic for so many years is a very difficult addiction to beat. Especially if they are a mean drunk, as they often attack the people who are trying to help them.
I would not totally abandon her. Especially before she is able to secure more manageable health insurance. I would suggest your sister and you pay for her home insurance and real estate taxes, so she will not lose her home and any medical need she has until she can obtain medicare, and then any other medical costs she may have that medicare does not cover.
I would tell her and your brother that you are willing to do this only if he gets himself a job, even if it is part time for $150 a week to contribute to the household and pay the cable and food bill. Irregardless if this happens, I would still assume the insurance, taxes and medical co-pays etc. You will most likely need to research available policies in her area, and select the best coverage plan you can find for her, as it sounds like neither her or your brother have the ability to do so. Forget about gratitude. You may never get it.
Your brother was undoubtedly a help for your mother during a time she needed the most help, and you can not discount that. If she is in very poor health, she will most likely continue to need help as she ages. At some point she will need to go into a nursing home, and you will be able to get her regular medicaid, but if there is no surviving spouse, they will take the house.
Another option for you. Florida has what is called a Diversion Program, where they will contribute a portion of money (anywhere from $1000 to $1300 a month towards the cost of an assisted living facility. Also, if she was married to a Veteran for 10 years or more who did not re-marry or does not have another living spouse, she could also receive another $1000 a month towards the assisted living home. The facility will take her social security and the Diversion payment will go directly to the facility.
When my mother could no longer care for herself (and was too abusive to live with) my sister and I got her qualified for regular medicaid and the diversion program. It paid for a less expensive but acceptable place we found, but the monthly rent was about $400 a month short, which my sister and I split and paid each month. We also paid $50 a month into a petty cash account for her each month, and took care of purchasing any other needs she might have (clothing, etc.) She did not own a house, so in your case she would need to sell the house.
They tell you she can not have any funds, but that is not actually true. If both your sister and you split the proceeds of the house between you and set up a care account for your mother, to be used only for the care of your mother, it will pass the mustard. The catch is, both you and your sister will have to pay taxes on the money as if it were income you received. However, in your case this would still be cheaper for you than having to pay out of pocket every month your mother's short fall.
Just some things for you to consider.
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robnplunder
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
+1.
Your mom and brother will find a way to live their lives without your financial support. People do.
Sorry for your situation. My parents were both alcoholics. I have found clarity and serenity through Al-Anon. One thing I learned was to take care of myself first. My parents did not want to take care of themselves nor was any help appreciated. i had children and myself to protect.
I respect your decision, it is one I would have made. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
I respect your decision, it is one I would have made. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
daylatedollarshort
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
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+1. Good for you for trying, FreqFlyer. You gave it your best shot. You shouldn't have to suffer an endless amount of emotional and financial abuse with no appreciation in return.
If you want to do good deeds, there are many charities in the world who would appreciate your support. Good deeds needn't be based solely on DNA linkage.
Last edited:
Calico
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+100
FreqFlyer,
You cannot help people who won't help themselves. I had the same experience, and had to save myself. I agree that keeping your distance, focusing on your healthy relationship with your partner, and protecting your financial future are of paramount importance. You have nothing to feel guilty about - you gave it your best shot.
Dreaming of Freedom
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FreqFlyer,
You are doing the right thing, and don't feel guilty. I fear I will be in the same position with my mother someday. Although she is not an alcoholic, she is a compulsive and destructive liar, verbally abusive, and very mildly physically abusive. When she would fly off the handle when I was younger, she would tell me she wished I was never born and that she would have had an abortion if it were legal (turns out it was legal at that point). I was very depressed and borderline suicidal many times growing up. Since I got away from her as an adult, my whole life has changed for the better. I don't ever want to be "close" to my mother again. My grandmother and mother don't talk anymore because my mother cussed out my grandmother a couple years ago, calling her lots of bad things. When my mother showed up to my grandfather's funeral, we were all a bit worried what my mom might do verbally or even physically. Luckily, she didn't try to fight with my grandmother, but she did walk up to my father (who is still friends with his ex-inlaws), and told him she could kick his ass. My mother never asks about my grandmother other than cussing up a storm and saying over and over, I bet she cut me out of the will. My mother only cares about the money and controlling other people.
I am not quite sure how I will be able to help this crazy woman out someday. I do not want to be a part of her reality as I would become horribly depressed just like I was growing up. My mother and stepfather constantly spend more money than they have, and their health is not top priority. High end cable packages, cell phones, casino buffets, a new car every 4 years, and gambling are their priorities. They are both severely, morbidly overweight (their doctors fault of course). Yes, I fear I will be in the same position you are in in just a couple years. My mother is only 18 years older than I, so she is still 8+ years away from Medicare.
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You are doing the right thing, and don't feel guilty. I fear I will be in the same position with my mother someday. Although she is not an alcoholic, she is a compulsive and destructive liar, verbally abusive, and very mildly physically abusive. When she would fly off the handle when I was younger, she would tell me she wished I was never born and that she would have had an abortion if it were legal (turns out it was legal at that point). I was very depressed and borderline suicidal many times growing up. Since I got away from her as an adult, my whole life has changed for the better. I don't ever want to be "close" to my mother again. My grandmother and mother don't talk anymore because my mother cussed out my grandmother a couple years ago, calling her lots of bad things. When my mother showed up to my grandfather's funeral, we were all a bit worried what my mom might do verbally or even physically. Luckily, she didn't try to fight with my grandmother, but she did walk up to my father (who is still friends with his ex-inlaws), and told him she could kick his ass. My mother never asks about my grandmother other than cussing up a storm and saying over and over, I bet she cut me out of the will. My mother only cares about the money and controlling other people.
I am not quite sure how I will be able to help this crazy woman out someday. I do not want to be a part of her reality as I would become horribly depressed just like I was growing up. My mother and stepfather constantly spend more money than they have, and their health is not top priority. High end cable packages, cell phones, casino buffets, a new car every 4 years, and gambling are their priorities. They are both severely, morbidly overweight (their doctors fault of course). Yes, I fear I will be in the same position you are in in just a couple years. My mother is only 18 years older than I, so she is still 8+ years away from Medicare.
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