Into a Belfastpub comes Paddy Murphy,
Looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His armis in a sling, his nose is broken,
His faceis cut and bruised and he'swalking with a limp
"What happened toyou?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and mehad a fight," says Paddy.
"That little ****, O'Conner," says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you,
He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," saysPaddy, "a shovel is what he had,
And a terrible lickin' he gave me withit."
" Well," says Sean,"you should have defended yourself,
Didn'tyou have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs.O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
Beautyit was, but useless in a fight."
********************************************************************************************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink
Is driving home from the city one night and,
Of course, his car is weaving violentlyall over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the copto the driver,
Wherehave ya been?"
" Why, I've been to the pub of course,"
Slurs the drunk.
" Well," says thecop, "it looks like you've had quite
A fewto drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunksays with a smile.
"Did you know,"says the cop, standing straight and
Folding his arms across his chest,
"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
*****************************************************************************
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner,as usual,
When TimFinnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.
"I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can comein, you're always welcome, Tim.
But where'smy husband?"
"That's what I'm here tobe telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinnessbrewery..."
"Oh, God no!" criesBrenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Yourhusband ShamusIs dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim.
"Howdid it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible,Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim.
Didhe at least go quickly?""Well,Brenda... No. In fact,
Hegot out three times to pee."
******************************************************************************
MaryClancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what'sbothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
Myhusband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.
Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask,Mary? "
She says, He said,
'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
*********************************************************
ANDTHEBEST FORLAST
A drunkstaggers into a Catholic Church,
Enters a confessional booth, sits down, butsays nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his
Attentionbut the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally,the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no useknockin,
there'sno paper on this sideeither!"
