It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

[packrat44]

My wife left a note on the fridge:




"It's not working, I just can't stand it any more. Gone to stay at Mother's."
I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold. I have no idea what in the hell she was talking about............the fridge works just fine.


WOMEN, who can understand them?

 

[MichaelB]

The husband returns home from Sunday mass, when he sees his wife he smiles broadly, spreads his arms to hug her, and picks her up off the floor. Flustered, she asks if the sermon was to love one's spouse. His reply: No, it was to embrace our troubles with a smile and carry our cross with joy.

 

[Alan]

In the interests of keeping this thread focused on jokes I've moved the Neil Armstrong discussion to a new thread.

http://www.early-retirement.org/forums/f27/what-did-neil-armstong-really-say-63011.html

 

[redduck]

 

[redduck]

Darn, I actually didn't mean to post a little red "x" in the upper corner. But, that's what I did (and probably will do again one of these days).

 

[packrat44]

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you aquestion?"
The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,"So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come Iget such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...
"Try doing it with the engine running."

 

[packrat44]

Now that I'm "older" (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling
apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been
anywhere.
13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is
when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put
them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does
everyone decide to play chess?
16. It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the
depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the
hereafter. I go somewhere to get something and then
wonder what I'm here after.
19. I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS
TO YOU OR NOT!!!
20. Funny, I don't remember being ... absent-minded.

 

[mickeyd]

 

[David1961]

I apologize if this has been posted before,

These questions and answers are from the days when 'Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now!

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)


Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.


Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.


Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A.. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.


Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.


Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.


Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.


Q.. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.


Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.


Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.


Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

 

[Meadbh]

The electric Prime Minister....

http://thedailyedge.thejournal.ie/enda-kenny-electric-603395-Sep2012/

Read the comments lol!

 

[Jay_Gatsby]

Heard a funny one at Rosh Hashanah services the other day...from the rabbi no less.

Train stations are where trains stop.
Bus stations are where buses stop.
I have a work station on my desk....

 

[packrat44]

It's not whether you win or lose,​

how you place the blame.

You are not drunk if you can lie
on the floor without holding on.​

The original point and click interface
was a Smith & Wesson.​

A fool and his money
can throw one heckof a party​

When blondes have more fun,do they know it?​

LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES
USE BIRTH CONTROL​

Money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.​

Don't Drink and Drive
You might hit a bump and spill something. ​

If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you​

Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.​

We are born naked, wet and hungry.
Then things get worse.​

Red meat is not bad for you.
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.​

Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers
give the rest a bad name.​

Alabama state motto:
At least we're not Mississippi​

ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO
MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.​

The latest survey shows that
three out of four people make
up 75% of the population​

You know why a banana is like a politician?
He comes in and first he is green,
then he turns yellow
and then he's rotten.​

"I think Congressmen should wear uniforms,
you know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could
identify their corporate sponsors."​

The reason Politicians try so
hard to get re-elected is that they
would hate to have to make a living
under the laws they've passed.​

 

[David1961]

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year-old son in the
apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on
all the neighborhood activities.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"An ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the Andersen's have company," he called out.
"Matt is riding a new bike!"
"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
"Jason is on his skate board!"
After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out,
"How do you know they're having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle

 

[packrat44]

EVER BEEN IN CAHOOTS!!!!

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work. I live close so it's a short drive. I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore. I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go and I try not to visit there too often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older. One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get! And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not. People keep telling me I'm in Denial but I'm positive I've never been there before! I have been in Deep doodoo many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there. I actually kind of enjoy it there. So far, I haven't been in Continent, but my travel agent says I'll be going soon.

 

[Nords]

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.

The U.S. Navy used to have a drydock named the USS COMPETENT.

Many a submariner has been inCOMPETENT...

 

[Finance Dave]

What is a pirate's favorite fast food restaurant?


Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrbys

 

[brewer12345]

Billy Bob and Bubba were walking down the street when they saw two street dogs mating in the park. Billy Bob said, "That's just great. I do it like that with my wife every night."

Bubba said, "My wife is unadventurous, she only likes to do it the old fashioned way. Give me advice how you get your wife to do this, I would also like to try it with my wife."

Billy Bob replied, "Give your wife two mixed drinks and she will be all ready."

The next morning they met for their morning jog and Billy Bob asked, "How did it go?"

Bubba answered, "It was great, but it took my wife eight drinks."

Billy Bob asked with surprise, "Eight drinks?"

Bubba replied with a sigh, "Yes. After two she was more than willing to do it that way, but it took six more to get her out on the front lawn!"​

 

[packrat44]

Brewer, I would call you a "dirty old man", but I know that is not true. You are much too young to be called "old".

 

[brewer12345]

I shot my first turkey last week.



Scared the hell out of the people in the frozen foods section.

 

[packrat44]

ARAPROSDOKIANS... *(Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech
> in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or
> unexpected; frequently humorous. *
>
> 1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
>
> 2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.
>
> 3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until
> you hear them speak.
>
> 4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
>
> 5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
>
> 6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
>
> 7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a
> fruit salad.
>
> 8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell
> you why it isn't.
>
> 9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is
> research.
>
> 10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk
> is a work station.
>
> 11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
>
> 12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency,
> notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
>
> 13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
>
> 14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
> with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
>
> 15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a
> successful man is usually another woman.
>
> 16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
>
> 17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to
> skydive twice.
>
> 18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
>
> 19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they
> can't get away.
>
> 20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
>
> 21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
>
> 22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit
> the target.
>
> 23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
>
> 24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
>
> 25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in
> a garage makes you a car.
>
> 26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.

 

[kevink]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem . While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000.
The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home. The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150?" The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead.
I just can’t take that chance!"

 

[Chuckanut]

Two geeks meet on the street, one of whom had a fancy brand new bicycle.
The other Geek asked him where he got it. He explained "A few days ago I was walking home when a beautiful young women on this bike stopped in front of me, took off her clothes and shouted "I love you. Take whatever you want!" The other Geek replied " Smart move. The clothes wouldn't have fit you"

 

[Nemo2]

 

[mickeyd]

ERUDITE CONCEPTS

If you're not familiar with the work of Boswell D. Rabbitsmith, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

His mind sees things differently than most of us do, to our amazement and amusement. Here are some of his gems: (He also makes his living as a comedian by the name of Steve Wright....)


1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How can you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything seems to be coming your way, maybe you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not being smart enough to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... so far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death...twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

 

[mickeyd]