It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

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Yesterday I found myself trying to explain the concept of serving during the Cold War on a nuclear submarine that could launch intercontinental ballistic missiles to someone who barely even remembers the Reagan administration.

By the end of the conversation the whole concept seemed pretty unreal to me too.


Why would you launch intercontinental ballistic missiles to someone who barely even remembers the Reagan administration.

There are worse offenses that might require a good nuking though, like failure to remember the Carter years !
 
Received via e-mail:

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical male, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.

I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost. It's a man thing
 
Why would you launch intercontinental ballistic missiles to someone who barely even remembers the Reagan administration.
There are worse offenses that might require a good nuking though, like failure to remember the Carter years !
About the only way to fix the grammar of my sentence would have been to use brackets!

My daughter attended high school with a Russian exchange student. Once we learned more about her hometown, I realized that I'd aimed warheads in their direction for nearly my whole tour. Oddly enough that year with the exchange student inspired my daughter to start learning Russian on her own, and she's even finished two years of college classes in the language.

As for Carter... well... I think we all want to forget what it's like to have a nuke running the country.
 
(I admit this was an e-mail forward of a lot of little jokes, but some of them made me laugh out loud):

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
___________________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
___________________________________________

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife £775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
___________________________________________
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all..'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
___________________________________________
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
___________________________________________
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
___________________________________________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
___________________________________________

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
___________________________________________
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
___________________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'
___________________________________________

While shopping for holiday clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.
___________________________________________

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'
 
The Whys of Men


1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)




2.. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?

(they don't have enough time)


3.. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?

(they don 't stop to ask directions)


4.. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?

(because theirballs fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)

(You're laughing, aren'tyou?!?!)


5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?

(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)


6.. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?

(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)


7.. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?

( don't know...it never happened)




8.. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?

(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)



One day my housework-challenged husbanddecided to wash his Sweat-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room,he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Michigan.'

And they say blondes are dumb...
-------------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'


------------------------------------


'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

-------------

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor


-----------------------------------------------------------

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience forhis moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
-------------

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

-----------------------------------------------------------


Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'
 
Beer Quotes...

Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

Babe Ruth

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."

Lyndon B. Johnson

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

Paul Horning

~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."

H. L. Mencken

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"

George Bernard Shaw
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

Benjamin Franklin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."

Dave Barry

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!

W. C. Fields

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Remember "I" before "E," except in Budweiser.

Professor Irwin Corey

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group Salvation in a can!

Leo Durocher

~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the" Buffalo Theory"to his buddy Norm:

"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this.. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! ; In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
 
Sunday Morning Sex


Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, mydear," replied granny.. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age,we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start tolling. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
 
Things Learned The Hard Way

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill, a viagra pill, and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time. Any explanation will refer to Ben Franklin.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.​
 
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IN CASE YOU DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW THIS LITTLE TIDBIT OF TRIVIA, ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.



HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.*
BUT JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK - "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY".
MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK COCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.



HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE
RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.
OVER THE YEARS, MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE -'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY' - STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.
ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA, WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED.
MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION.
IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALLMID-WESTERN TOWN, HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD.



HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW.
HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY. AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY - "SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON !"
TRUE STORY. It broke the place up.

It's still funny even though it's not true:

snopes.com: Good Luck, Mr. Gorsky!
 
Having turned 50, I was advised by my doctor that it's time for my first colonoscopy. I'm actually 53, ok so I put it off for a few years.

Well, yesterday was the day. The worst part about the whole ordeal was the prep. That wasn't so bad either, except that I had to drink only clear liquids from Sunday morning until after the procedure.

So I show up at the doctor's office, ready for the worst. They had me strip down and put on a hospital gown, open in the back, of course. Then I was ushered into a room with red, velvet walls, and lots of fluffy pillows. That seemed kinda strange, I thought. The lights were turned seductively low, and I could hear the slow rhythm of Barry White's deep baratone voice singing, "Never, never gonna give you up, I?m never, ever gonna stop . . . "

The doctor came in and commented on how fit I looked. He also said he liked my hair . . . like . . . whatever. Then he told me to bend over and put both elbows on the table. I could hear him fiddling around with some instruments. I thought it a bit strange that we were the only two people in the room. No nurses, just the two of us.

Another Barry White song . . .

The longer we make love
The closer I want to be
I just can't get enough
I love the way you freak me


Just when I started to feel kinda mellow, I could hear the SNAP of a latex glove. I felt both of the doctor's hands on my shoulders. Funny though, he didn't seem to be wearing latex gloves. "Don't worry, this won't hurt a bit", he said.

I think I might have blacked out, because I don't remember what happended after that. The next thing I remember is being alone in the room, feeling a little vulnerable. There was a stomped out cigarette butt on the floor. After a few minutes, the doctor came in. "Well, how was my colon," I asked.

"Awesome", he said. That's what he said . . . "AWESOME". I guess that's good, right?

Anyway, he paid my cab fair back home. I'm not sure if my healthcare plan will cover that, or the flowers that he sent to my office this morning.

I wonder if he'll call me.
 
I started to post this in the recipe thread but decided better of it. Definitely a great recipe for this stinking hot summer. Make sure to read the reviews to get all the tips and tricks.

Ice Cubes Recipe - Food.com - 420398
 
OLD IS WHEN ........(My apoligies in advance to those who see themselves in more than one example here)


"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee
 
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This morning on the Interstate,I looked over to my left and there was a Woman In a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph.

With her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds to continue shaving and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane
still working on that makeup.

As a man I don't scare easily, but, she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut
out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel,
I knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs!

Splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers and disconnected an
important call.

Damn women drivers
 
A wife screamed at her husband:
"Leave!! Get out of this house!"


As he was walking out the door she yelled,

"And .. I hope you die a slow and painful death!"



He turned around and replied

"So now you want me to stay?"
 
ARE WE THE ONES WHO ARE AGING??

ONE

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu thatyou could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.

I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the
teenager at the counter.

'You don't?' I replied.

'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.

'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'

'That's right.'

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

(Unbelievable but sadly true...)
(Must have been the same one I asked for sweetener,
and she said they didn't have any, only Splenda and sugar.)

TWO

I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a fewitems and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine.
I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by thecash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know howmuch this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buythat today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

( But the lady behind me had a big smirk on her face as Ileft)

THREE

A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into herfloppydrive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she wasshopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so shewas using the ATM 'thingy.'
(Keep shuddering!!)

FOUR

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside hercar. 'Do you need some help?' I asked.
She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the batteryto this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they(pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered,
handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I
replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and
check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'

PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!

FIVE

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift.One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out oftyping paper. What do I do?'
'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary toldher.
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece ofpaper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.

Brunette, by the way!!

SIX

A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if sheneeds to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants.
The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and heshould be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'

Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency right now!'

Life is tough. It's even tougher if you'restupid!!!!
(Remember,you can't fix stupid!!!)

Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too.
Don't laugh....it is all true...
=======================

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02.. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 5 PM.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks intothe room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15 . Your investment in health insurance is finally beginningto pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the nationalweather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because theycan't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

20. And you notice these are all in Big Print for yourconvenience.



Never, under any circumstances,
take a sleeping pill and a laxative on thesame night !
 
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead.
 
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