It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

[Bruceski44]

Little Johnny was out Trick-Or-Treating dressed as a pirate. The lady who opened the door said, "Oh a pirate, how cute! Where are your buccaneers?" Johnny looked at her solemnly and said "They're under my buccan hat!"

It was little Johnny's turn for Show-N-Tell. He was describing how he saw two goats eating grass on the train tracks that morning just before the train came through. "It hit 'em right in the ass!" he exclaimed. "Rectum, Johnny, rectum," corrected the teacher. "Wrecked 'em, heck it killed em!"

 

[Johanson]

An 80 year old man goes in to see his doctor with an issue he's been having. The doctor asks him what it is that's bothering him. The old man says, "doc, every morning at 7:00 AM without fail, I have a bowel movement!" The doctor says, "That's great! Most people your age would kill to have that 'problem'. Why do you think it's a problem?" The old man replies, "because I don't get up until 8:00 AM!!!"

 

[braumeister]

An Amish woman was driving her buggy into town when a highway patrol officer stopped her. "I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."

"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."

"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of the reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals, so you should have your husband check that too."

"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check both when I get home."

True to her word, when the Amish lady got home she told her husband about the broken reflector. He said he would put a new one on immediately.

"Also," said the Amish woman, "The policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake..."

 

[braumeister]

Not exactly a joke, just an indication of how our society is doomed.
The History Channel put up this tweet this morning. Just for context, the illustration is of George Washington taking command of the Continental Army. IIRC, that was some time before the battle of Gettysburg.
Note that the tweet has not been removed yet despite the hundreds of comments it has received.

 

[Nemo2]

Not exactly a joke, just an indication of how our society is doomed.
The History Channel put up this tweet this morning. Just for context, the illustration is of George Washington taking command of the Continental Army. IIRC, that was some time before the battle of Gettysburg.
Note that the tweet has not been removed yet despite the hundreds of comments it has received.

Historians know that they are, of course, referring to the the Trojan suburb of Gettysburg, where the Greeks deposited a wooden facsimile of George Washington before taking off to storm the gates of Vienna.

 

[REWahoo]

Two elderly gentlemen had been friends for many decades.
Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a
week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and
said, 'Now don't get mad at me ....
I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name!
I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.
Please tell me what your name is..

His friend stared at him for at least three minutes -- he just stared
and stared at him.
Finally he said, 'How soon do you need to know?'

 

[FIREmenow]

A day late....
Received via email:

"A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself up slowly, painfully onto a tall stool. After catching his breath, he order a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, “Crushed nuts?”
He replied, “No, arthritis.”

 

[oscar1]

Golf ball kills wife!

Received via e-Mail:

Oliver Publicoff was teeing off from the men's tee. On his downswing, he realized that his wife, Maureen, was teeing up on the woman's tee directly in front of him. Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her directly in the temple, killing her instantly.

A few days later, Oliver got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy.

Coroner: "Oliver, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force-trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the temple, is that correct?"

Oliver: "Yes, sir, that's correct."

Coroner: "Well, inexplicably, I found a golf ball wedged up her butt."

Oliver: "Was it a Titleist 3?”

Coroner: "Yes, it was."

Oliver: "Yeah. That was my provisional..."

 

[fred1]

haha, like it!!!

 

[FIREmenow]

Received via e-Mail:

Oliver Publicoff was teeing off from the men's tee. On his downswing, he realized that his wife, Maureen, was teeing up on the woman's tee directly in front of him. Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her directly in the temple, killing her instantly.

[snip]

Along those lines:

A man and his wife go golfing, and on the 8th hole he shanks the ball into a nearby barn. "Darn it," he says, "I'll have to take a penalty on that ball."

"No you don't," his wife says. "If I stand here and hold the barn door open, you should be able to get to the green in two."

"Hmmm...", he says, "that doesn't look to safe!"

"No, its no problem", she says, moving towards the doors.

Finally, he reluctantly agrees, so she holds the door open, and he takes his swing.

The ball hits his wife right in the head, killing her instantly.

A year to the day passes and it finds the golfer back on the same course, this time playing with his new girlfriend. As luck would have it, he shanks it again and ends up in the same barn.

"Don't worry," says the girlfriend, "I can hold the door open and you'll be back on the fairway like that."

"Oh no," the golfer says adamantly, "That's not a good idea at all! Way too dangerous."

"It'll be OK", she says, "there's plenty of clearance - see?"

"No. Absolutely NOT."

"Why not?", she says, "what could be the harm?"

"No way in heck am I doing it", he says, "last time I tried that, I got a NINE on this hole!"

 

[Walt34]

A man drives a woman to the local "lover's lane" and they begin to smooch a bit, then she says "I'm a professional, so this is going to cost you $20".

The man says "No problem" and pays her. After they finish what they came there for the man just sits behind the steering wheel, not going anywhere.

The woman asks "So, aren't we going back to town?"

The man says, "I'm a professional too. I'm a taxi driver, and the ride back to town will cost you $25".

 

[FIREmenow]

Another cruise ship disaster!

http://www.theonion.com/article/shelling-royal-caribbeans-ms-allure-sinks-carnival-56448

 

[MichaelB]

Another cruise ship disaster!

Please, no naked links.

 

[FIREmenow]

Please, no naked links.

Fixed. Apologies.

 

[MichaelB]

Thanks!

 

[fred1]

two aerials got married............

the reception was amazing!!!!

 

[aja8888]

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.

The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."

The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerio's.

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.

His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerio's!"

 

[Nemo2]

Stolen from elsewhere:


I asked the librarian if the library had any books about paranoia.

She whispered: "They're right behind you."

 

[braumeister]

I Just realized something:

My dog has his food prepared for him. His meals are provided at no cost to him.

He visits the doctor once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.

He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep. If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep. He receives these accommodations absolutely free.

He is living like a king and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of his costs are picked up by others who earn a living.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me --

MY dog is a CONGRESSMAN!

 

[Retire2017]

I Just realized something:

My dog has his food prepared for him. His meals are provided at no cost to him.

He visits the doctor once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.

He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep. If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep. He receives these accommodations absolutely free.

He is living like a king and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of his costs are picked up by others who earn a living.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me --

MY dog is a CONGRESSMAN!

So are all my pet chickens!

 

[MRG]

So are all my pet chickens!

I've eaten my chickens![emoji111]

I think somehow it's a problem eating Congress members.

 

[CardsFan]

I Just realized something:

My dog has his food prepared for him. His meals are provided at no cost to him.

He visits the doctor once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.

He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep. If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep. He receives these accommodations absolutely free.

He is living like a king and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of his costs are picked up by others who earn a living.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me --

MY dog is a CONGRESSMAN!

So true.

I always tell friends that when I die, I want to come back as a dog... in my house.

 

[KCGeezer]

Its funny joke Thursday!

Ran across this one this morning and realized it's Thursday.


Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.

 

[Brat]

That is great!!!

 

[Tailgate]

funny, but true