It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

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A Woman's Poem

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake,
He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and
smacked the *&#) out of him....

Like his mother used to do.
 
Walt34 said:
A Woman's Poem

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake,
He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and
smacked the *&#) out of him....

Like his mother used to do.
Click to expand...

Lol! This definitely made my day. :LOL:
 
Prepared for a Date

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. Definition of a teenager?

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of three, nine or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well", he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's THE night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out.

Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12-pack."

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents.

He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree.

He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist!"
 
a little dark humor....
 

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When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
 
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 4-year-old girl & some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, & gave her 20 little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her 10 dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed & asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those @ssholes at Home Depot ever deliver the f__ _k’ng drywall.
 
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess... "Will you marry me?" The Princess said "NO!"


And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles, and went fishing and hunting, and played golf, and dated women half his age, and smoked cigars, and drank beer and Scotch, and had loads of money in the bank, and left the toilet seat up.


The end.
 
I used to sell security alarms door to door and was really good at it. If nobody was home I'd just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
 
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy." At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William .......the little twerp's name is Kevin."
 
calmloki said:
I used to sell security alarms door to door and was really good at it. If nobody was home I'd just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
Click to expand...
A few years ago a guy came door to door in our neighborhood asking if we had an alarm system and is so, did it work? :facepalm:

I assume he was selling alarm systems, but one of the neighbors called the cops on him.
 
I am retelling the following from a book by Isaac Asimov.

A Texan was visiting a farm in the Northeast. He asked the farmer "How much land do you cultivate?"

The farmer said "It's quite large. It extends 150 yards this way, and 120 yards that way". The farmer then asked "So, how is yours?"

The Texan could not help but smile. He said "Back home, I have my home at one end of the ranch. I could climb into my car, gun the engine, and not able to reach the other end at the end of the driving day".

The farmer nodded sympathetically "I know. I once had a car like that".
 
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Another joke by Isaac Asimov.

Mr. Jones who was pushing 60 felt under the weather. So, he went to his doctor for a checkup.

The doctor, leaning back in his chair, said "Mr. Jones, you are getting old. It is good that you don't drink or smoke, but if you want to live out the rest of your life in good health, you must do more. How about giving up, say, half of your sex life?"

Mr. Jones gravely considered this for a moment, then spoke up. "All right, doctor, as you say. But which half do you suggest that I give up, the thinking or the talking?"
 
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Miss Manners Redneck Etiquette
________________________________________
GENERAL:
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT:
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family):
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS:
1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE:
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
 
Men's Help Line

"You have reached the 'Men's Help Line.' My name is Don. How can I help you?"

"Hi Don, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, the usual signs; The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she goes out with 'the girls' a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep. Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So I hid in the garage behind my boat and waited for her.

When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, while crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"
 
A fellow goes to the barber shop for a shave and haircut. He tells the barber his face is so wrinkly he can't get a close shave.

The barber goes to the shelf, and gets a small wooden ball, and tells him to put it in his cheek. That stretches the skin flat and the barber gives him a smooth shave.

After, the guy says "That's the best shave I've EVER had, but, what if I accidentally swallowed the wooden ball?"

The barber replies "Oh, just bring it back in a couple of days. That's what every else does".
 
[FONT=&quot]An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:

"Father. During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?'' [/FONT]
 
How smart is your right foot?

This will confuse your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but, you can't. It is pre-programmed in your brain!

1. While sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles...

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction.

I told you so! And there's nothing you can do about it! You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so.
 
What Is Wrong With Me?

A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the check-up was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor said, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
 
My neighbor just walked past with two dogs. I said to him, “I didn’t know you had any dogs?”
He replied, “They’re not my dogs, they’re my sister's.”
I said, “Wow, your sisters are really ugly.”
 
Received by e-mail:

Subject: 0% ON AN EXAM



A Student Who Obtained 0% On An Exam

I would have given him 100%! Each answer is absolutely grammatically
correct, and funny too. The teacher had no sense of humor. (Or the student
was brighter than the teacher!

Q1.. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle

Q2.. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page

Q3.. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid

Q4.. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage

Q5.. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams

Q6.. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner

Q7.. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half

Q8.. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it become?
* Wet

Q9.. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has one hand.

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples
and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?
* Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long
would it take four men to build it?
*No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without
cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.
 
Nemo2 said:
Subject: 0% ON AN EXAM

A Student Who Obtained 0% On An Exam

I would have given him 100%! Each answer is absolutely grammatically
correct, and funny too. The teacher had no sense of humor. (Or the student
was brighter than the teacher!
Click to expand...

This isn’t as crazy as it seems. Some time around 1974, I was studying Latin in high school. On a test, we were given a poem by Ovid to translate to English. I was short of time, so I took an overview of the poem and wrote an eloquent paragraph that was entirely guesswork on my part. It was completely inaccurate but it sounded like Ovid’s voice. The prof gave me 100% for creativity.
 
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