It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

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A cop calls for backup from a crime scene.

This is officer Ollie, please send backup, a woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean.

Have you arrested the woman?

No Sir! - The floor is still wet.
 
Three friends were sitting around, shooting the breeze.

The first man said, "If my doctor told me that I had six months to live, I would sell my home, my business, then take all the money to the French Riviera. I would have a great time, eating, drinking, partying, having lots of wild women for companions".

The second man said, "If my doctor told me that, I would also sell everything and travel the world. I would go see all the wonders of the world, the Taj Mahal, the Great Wall, Petra, and the likes".

The third man shook his head, "If my doctor told me I had six months to live, the first thing I would do is to go consult another doctor".
 
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"Because you died on Christmas," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They jingle, so they symbolize bells."

Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carol's."
 
A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve

They feel a slight precipitation.

"I think it’s raining," says the man.

"No, it’s snowing," replies the woman.

"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"

"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.

The man turns to his wife with a smile. “See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
 
Three guys are fishing in the Carribean.

One guy says, “I had a terrible fire and lost everything. Now the insurance is paying for everything, and that’s why I am here.”

The second guy says, “I had a terrible explosion. I lost everything. Now the insurance company is paying for everything and that’s why I am here.”

The third guy says, “What a coincidence! I had a terrible flood; I lost everything. Now the insurance company is paying for everything and that’s why I’m here!”

The other two guys turn to him with confusion and ask, “Flood? How do you start a flood?”
 
They feel a slight precipitation.

"I think it’s raining," says the man.

"No, it’s snowing," replies the woman.

"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"

"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.

The man turns to his wife with a smile. “See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

:2funny::2funny::2funny:
 
Prankster: "With which hand do you stir your coffee?"

Victim: "I use my right hand".

Prankster: "Funny. I use a spoon".
 
Please, take care of yourself out on the roads this holiday season.

A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.

This means that the remaining 77% are caused by a$$holes that drink bottled water, Starbucks, soda, juice, energy drinks, and $#!t like that.

Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents. This message is sent to you by someone who worries about your safety.
 
Here's a joke that was told during WW2.

Hitler decides he wants to invade England, and asks his generals to make plans.

"But mein Fuehrer, we can't invade, because the English Channel is stopping us."

Hitler then asks for ideas about getting across the channel.

"Well we could do what Moses did, and part the water".

"Great idea! How did he do that?"

"He used the Staff of Moses to part the water."

"Great, we'll use that too! Where is it?"

"Well that's a problem you see. It's in the British Museum"
 
Boudreaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard, got called up to active duty. His first assignment was in a military induction center.

Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled. The officer in charge soon noticed that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance. This was remarkable, because it cost these low-income recruits $30.00 per month more for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge.

The officer decided he’d sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Boudreaux’s sales pitch.

Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said: “If you has da normal GI insurans an’ you goes to Afghanistan an’ gets youself killed, da govment’ pays you benefishery $20,000.

If you takes out da suppmental insuransa, which cost you only t’irty dollars a munt, den da governmen’ gots ta pay you benefishery $500,000!"

“Now,” Boudreaux concluded, “which bunch you tink da governmen’ gonna send ta Afghanistan first?”
 
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three dime coins to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two of the dimes but is still choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy’s’ testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly ... tighter and tighter!!!

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the dimes, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”

‘No,’ the woman replied. I’m with the IRS‘
 
A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?" He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this (little blue pill)," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" He declines. "The (little blue pill)," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?" He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the (little blue pill). I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."
 
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Every night DW and I watch Jeopardy! together. She is a very bright lady, but often does not have the answers that I do. Her question to me is, "How did you know that?"
I told her the answer was a PIDOOMA, and she asked, "What is that?". I told her I learned that when I used to do cost estimating.. PIDOOMA means, "Pulled It Directly Out Of My A$$.:D
 
Every night DW and I watch Jeopardy! together. She is a very bright lady, but often does not have the answers that I do. Her question to me is, "How did you know that?"
I told her the answer was a PIDOOMA, and she asked, "What is that?". I told her I learned that when I used to do cost estimating.. PIDOOMA means, "Pulled It Directly Out Of My A$$.:D

Funny, same here. We Tivo it, which lets us pause to let the answers—we do pretty well as long as we can have an extra 15-30 seconds to think about it.

Because we watch it every night, I know exactly how many Tivo jump-clicks to skip things:

2 clicks to skip intro
8 clicks to skip first commercial break and contestant interviews
5 clicks to skip second commercial break
7 clicks to skip third commercial break
1 click to skip from final Jeopardy clue to answer reveals.
 
Not a joke but this is from Ripley's Believe it or not, source of much of my personal research.

21,978 X 4 = 87,912...numbers in reverse order. Believe it or not!

And 21,978 X 5 = 109,935 How weird is that? :cool:
 
No it is in metric. Results can be unpredictable!

I think our local jurisdiction must be transitioning over to the metric system - I saw a highway sign last week that read, "Speed Checked By Meter".
 
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