It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

[CoolRich59]

Two golfers are ready to play on the 11th tee as a funeral procession passes by on the adjoining street. The first player stops, doffs his cap, and bows his head as the hearse rolls past.

“That was a really nice thing to do,” the second golfer says. “It’s good to see there is still some respect in the world.”

“Well, it’s only fitting,” the first golfer replies. “After all, we were married for 30 years.”

 

[Walt34]

[FONT=&quot]Alcohol Labels Just Like Cigarettes

Liquor manufacturers have accepted the Government's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering
what happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you
are whispering when you are not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your
friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you
can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-
lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can
logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that
you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think
people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in
getting your butt kicked..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan
tpye reel Gode.
[/FONT]

 

[Winemaker]

A man got home real late one evening after a round of golf and his wife was giving him hell.
"You've been out since 6 this morning golfing with your buddies, while I've been with the kids all day and making dinner! " she says.
" Well", he said, "it's been a rough day. Harry had a heart attack on the second hole and ..."
" That's horrible! I'm so sorry for yelling at you, but dinner's getting cold. I'll understand if you can't eat, it musta been horrible."

" Well, it was", he explains, " all morning and afternoon, it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."

 

[Cayman]

A fellow goes to the barber shop for a shave and haircut. He tells the barber his face is so wrinkly he can't get a close shave.

The barber goes to the shelf, and gets a small wooden ball, and tells him to put it in his cheek. That stretches the skin flat and the barber gives him a smooth shave. After, the guy says "That's the best shave I've EVER had, but, what if I accidentally swallowed the wooden ball?" The barber replies "Oh, just bring it back in a couple of days. That's what every else does".

Thanks!

 

[Car-Guy]

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, & gave her 20 little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her 10 dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed & asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those @ssholes at Home Depot ever deliver the f__ _k’ng drywall.

 

[CaptTom]

https://youtu.be/Uo0KjdDJr1c

[Edit: This video is entitled "A Millennial Job Interview." It's pretty funny, if possibly offensive to some of the younger generation.]

 

[Walt34]

https://youtu.be/Uo0KjdDJr1c

 

[REWahoo]

https://youtu.be/Uo0KjdDJr1c

Millenial job interview...

 

[Walt34]

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, die in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to the wife’s neurotic interest in health food. When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed", the old man asked St. Peter, "How much is this going to cost?".

"It’s free", St. Peter replied, “Remember, this is Heaven.”

Next they went out back to see the championship golf course their home backed on to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"

"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You play for free!". Next they went out to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?", asked the old man

"Don't you understand yet?" St. Peter asked. "This is heaven. It’s free".

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?" the old man asked timidly.

"That's the best part........you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven".

The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your stupid bloody bran muffins! I could have been here ten years ago!"

 

[davismills]

My BIL was always a quick wit in his day.

He was a blond blue eyed good looking kid with a great tan and was shopping for school clothes with his mother.

An elderly lady looked him up and down and said "Are you tanned from the sun". He replied "No, I'm Dave from the Earth.

 

[Walt34]

Stumbled across this while looking for something else:

 

[MRG]

Stumbled across this while looking for something else:

What's else??

 

[davismills]

* If you attempt to rob a bank you won't have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years, whether or not you are successful.

* Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

* What if my dog only brings back my ball because he thinks I like throwing it?

* If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

* Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

* Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?

* Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

* Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty

* The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims".

* Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as trying to win.

* 100 years ago everyone owed a horse and only the rich had cars.
Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

* Your future self is watching you right now through memories.

* The doctors who told Stephen Hawking he had two years to live in 1953 are probably dead.

* If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them.

* Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.

* If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before.

* If 2/2/22 falls on a Tuesday, we'll just call it "2's Day". (It does fall on a Tuesday)-

 

[CoolRich59]

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill.

Who gets the $100?

The drunk, of course, the other three are fictional.

 

[CoolRich59]

The difference between W@rk and Prison

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
At w@rk you spend the majority of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

In prison you get three free meals a day.
At w@rk you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At w@rk you get rewarded for good behavior with more w@rk.

In prison the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At w@rk you have to carry around a security card and open the doors yourself.

In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At w@rk you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison you get your own toilet.
At w@rk you have to share toilets with some idiot who pees on the seat.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At w@rk you're not supposed to talk to your family.

In prison all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no w@rk required.
At w@rk they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

In prison you spend your time behind bars wanting to get out.
At w@rk you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go into bars.

In prison you deal with sadistic wardens.
At w@rk they’re called managers.

 

[BrianB]

Protesters at a rally:

"What do we want?"

"TIME TRAVEL!"

"When do we want it?"

"IT'S IRRELEVANT!"

 

[sheldon cornped]

Coldest Winter Ever....

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.

But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's definitely going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy."

 

[Nemo2]

Stolen from elsewhere:

Two scientists walk into a bar.

"I'll have H2O," says the 1st.

"I'll have H2O, too," says the 2nd.

Bartender gives them water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.

Who said commas don't count?

 

[Walt34]

Little Willie was a chemist
A chemist he is no more
What he thought was H20
Was H2SO4

 

[frayne]

Little Willie was a chemist
A chemist he is no more
What he thought was H20
Was H2SO4

Died of acid indigestion,
for lack of asking a question !

 

[sheldon cornped]

Willie found some dynamite
Couldn't understand it quite
Curiosity never pays
It rained Willie 7 days

There was an old Hermit named Dave.....Never mind

 

[Music Lover]

This is why you shouldn't put Christmas lights on palm trees

 

[Walt34]

Complaints from Council House Owners.. These are genuine clips from
council complaint letters:


1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has
fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3. It's the dogs' mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

5. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

6. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

7. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

8. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

9. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it, yesterday, and now she is pregnant

10. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

11. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


There was a huge banjo player’s convention in Atlanta with 200+ players in attendance.


A terrorist group kidnapped the entire bunch holding them as hostage.


They said they wanted $5M bucks, and if they didn't get it they would release one player every day until they were paid.

 

[NW-Bound]

A farmer and his wife went to a fair, where a bush pilot was offering rides in his open cockpit airplane for $50. The farmer had never been in the air, and wanted the experience. But being frugal, he kept haggling with the pilot to lower the fare.

Exasperated, the pilot said, "OK I will take you two up for $25. You will get a ride of your life. But if you make a sound during the flight, you will have to pay full price".

In the air, the pilot pulled a lot of stunts, and really pushed the envelope. He did barrel rolls and loops. Behind him, the farmer and his wife were quiet as a mouse, not a single word.

After they landed, and while taxiing, the pilot said to the farmer behind him "OK, I am impressed that you two did not make a sound throughout the flight".

The farmer opened up. "Well, I thought Bessie was going to scream as she was falling out".

 

[NW-Bound]

The above joke was told by Isaac Asimov. Here's another one from him.

Two longshoremen were sitting on a bench having a lunch break. One said to the other.

"Say, Joe, do you go for fat women with greasy hair?"
"No way!"
"How about women with a flat face, a snub nose, and cross eyes?"
"Of course not!"
"What about ones with crooked teeth and bad breath?"
"Not on your life!"

Silence fell upon them. Finally, the first one talked again.

"Then, how come you sleep with my wife?"