frayne
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Statistician's Blues
It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020
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sheldon cornped
Recycles dryer sheets
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The Pink Panthers' To Do List:
To do - to do - to do, to do, to do, to do, to dooooo.
To do - to do - to do, to do, to do, to do, to dooooo.
harley
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees. The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone.
He yelled, "Mayday, Mayday! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed-dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, Mayday!"
The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone.
"Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic. Remain calm!"
He began his series of questions:
Tower: "How do you know you are at an altitude of 18,000 feet?"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter dial in front of me."
Tower: "Okay, that's good, remain calm. How do you know you're traveling at 180 mph?"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the airspeed dial in front of me."
Tower: "Okay, this is great so far, but it's heavily overcast. So how do you know you're flying upside down?"
Aircraft: "The s#!t in my pants is running out of my shirt collar."
He yelled, "Mayday, Mayday! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed-dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, Mayday!"
The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone.
"Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic. Remain calm!"
He began his series of questions:
Tower: "How do you know you are at an altitude of 18,000 feet?"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter dial in front of me."
Tower: "Okay, that's good, remain calm. How do you know you're traveling at 180 mph?"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the airspeed dial in front of me."
Tower: "Okay, this is great so far, but it's heavily overcast. So how do you know you're flying upside down?"
Aircraft: "The s#!t in my pants is running out of my shirt collar."
MRG
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Guy comes into a bar and puts a bag on the bar top. Bartender asks "what's in the bag?".
Man pulls out a magic lamp, a piano, a stool, and a 1 foot tall man who sits down and begins to play.
Bartender says "man that's pretty cool, how did you get this?". Guy points to the magic lamp. Bartender asks "can I try?".
The man agrees and the bartender rubs the magic lamp and genie comes out to grant only one wish. Bartender says "Sure....how about a million bucks!"
Genie goes poof and 5 minutes pass. Oddly enough a duck walks in the door
5 more minutes another duck comes in
Bartender looks at the man and says "Bro, I asked for a million bucks"
Man looks at the bartender and says "Do you think I really asked for a 12 inch pianist?!"
Man pulls out a magic lamp, a piano, a stool, and a 1 foot tall man who sits down and begins to play.
Bartender says "man that's pretty cool, how did you get this?". Guy points to the magic lamp. Bartender asks "can I try?".
The man agrees and the bartender rubs the magic lamp and genie comes out to grant only one wish. Bartender says "Sure....how about a million bucks!"
Genie goes poof and 5 minutes pass. Oddly enough a duck walks in the door
5 more minutes another duck comes in
Bartender looks at the man and says "Bro, I asked for a million bucks"
Man looks at the bartender and says "Do you think I really asked for a 12 inch pianist?!"
Nemo2
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Stolen from another site, who in turn had.......
calmloki
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Black Panther is now playing theaters - has an awesome 98% Rotten Tomatoes score.
Andy Serkis and Martin Freeman, who played Gollum and Bilbo Baggins, are cast members. They are the Tolkien white guys. Seems fair.
Andy Serkis and Martin Freeman, who played Gollum and Bilbo Baggins, are cast members. They are the Tolkien white guys. Seems fair.
BrianB
Recycles dryer sheets
I don't get to play golf as often as I would like, but when I do and my score is under 90 it's time for a celebration.
I go into the clubhouse and buy a round of drinks for everyone.
Then I go outside, grab my clubs, and play the back nine.
I go into the clubhouse and buy a round of drinks for everyone.
Then I go outside, grab my clubs, and play the back nine.
Last edited:
NW-Bound
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- 35,712
Mr. Smith, riding the subway, was glad that he got a seat for the long ride. He settled into his seat and buried himself in the newspaper.
At a stop, a young woman boarded the car. She came to Mr. Smith and asked "Please Sir, I am pregnant. Could you let me have this seat?"
Mr. Smith felt ashamed that he was not paying attention to other boarding passengers. So, he immediately jumped up to yield his seat.
Not long after the young woman sat down, Smith observed that she was slim, and had no appearance of pregnancy. Suspicious that he had been duped, Smith asked "Excuse me Miss, but how long have you been pregnant?"
The young lady replied "About half hour. Boy, am I pooped."
At a stop, a young woman boarded the car. She came to Mr. Smith and asked "Please Sir, I am pregnant. Could you let me have this seat?"
Mr. Smith felt ashamed that he was not paying attention to other boarding passengers. So, he immediately jumped up to yield his seat.
Not long after the young woman sat down, Smith observed that she was slim, and had no appearance of pregnancy. Suspicious that he had been duped, Smith asked "Excuse me Miss, but how long have you been pregnant?"
The young lady replied "About half hour. Boy, am I pooped."
Souschef
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Somewhere in the joke you have to say the genie was hard of hearing
Somewhere in the joke you have to say the genie was hard of hearing
It's funnier if you figure it out youself
"Woman stops gator attack with a small Beretta pistol."
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?
A Beretta Jetfire testimonial.
Here is her story:
While out walking along the edge of a bayou just below Houma, Louisiana with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator suddenly emerging from the murky water and charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus .. the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was more than worth the purchase price of the gun.
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?
A Beretta Jetfire testimonial.
Here is her story:
While out walking along the edge of a bayou just below Houma, Louisiana with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator suddenly emerging from the murky water and charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus .. the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was more than worth the purchase price of the gun.
calmloki
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Amazing how little times and relationships have changed. Witness this 1955 Houskeeping Monthly guide to the modern housewife:
https://www.littlethings.com/1950s-good-housewife-guide/
https://www.littlethings.com/1950s-good-housewife-guide/
Regardless of how much truth is in these, they're pretty funny!
The 2017 Darwin Awards are out...* Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.
Here is the glorious winner:
When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
The honorable mentions:
The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping round, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.. The chef's claim was approved.
A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space.* Understandably, he shot her.
*
After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride.
He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
*
An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15.
Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly... He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her That's the lady I stole the purse from."
*
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash..
*
The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The frustrated gunman walked away.
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had and the perp had been punished enough!
Remember...
They walk among us and they can reproduce.
The 2017 Darwin Awards are out...* Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.
Here is the glorious winner:
When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
The honorable mentions:
The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping round, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.. The chef's claim was approved.
A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space.* Understandably, he shot her.
*
After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride.
He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
*
An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15.
Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly... He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her That's the lady I stole the purse from."
*
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash..
*
The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The frustrated gunman walked away.
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had and the perp had been punished enough!
Remember...
They walk among us and they can reproduce.
TromboneAl
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Wow. If I hadn't been around then (for some of the fifties), I wouldn't believe that anyone would think that way. A different world back then.
Of course, there are men today who go through the roof if dinner isn't ready when they get home.
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TromboneAl
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Great idea for a short story. It will write itself.
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.
The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.
The bishop was incredulous.
'You have no arms !'
'No matter,' said the man. 'Observe !'
And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.
But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only a moment before..
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, 'Bishop, who was this man ?'.
'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied,
................. 'BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL !!'
WAIT ! WAIT ! There's more
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.'
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.
'What has happened ? Who is this man ?' the first monk asked breathlessly.
'I don't know his name,' sighed the distraught bishop, 'but...'
(. . . Wait for it ....)
(.. . . It's worth it.. ....)
…………..HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER !!'
The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.
The bishop was incredulous.
'You have no arms !'
'No matter,' said the man. 'Observe !'
And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.
But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only a moment before..
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, 'Bishop, who was this man ?'.
'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied,
................. 'BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL !!'
WAIT ! WAIT ! There's more
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.'
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.
'What has happened ? Who is this man ?' the first monk asked breathlessly.
'I don't know his name,' sighed the distraught bishop, 'but...'
(. . . Wait for it ....)
(.. . . It's worth it.. ....)
…………..HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER !!'
Nemo2
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I can see how that would resonate with campanologists.
TromboneAl
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LOL.
Had to look the word up. It was worth the effort. Good one.
NW-Bound
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Mr. Jones decided that it was time to give his son John some sex education. After a couple of hours of telling his son about sex physiology, he was all wrung out and knew that he would not want to go through this again with his younger son. So, he told John "Can I count on you to tell Jimmy what you have learned?" John replied "Yes, Dad".
When John found Jimmy, he said "Jimmy, I just had a long lecture from Dad, and he wanted me to pass it on to you". Jimmy asked "So, what was it?".
John said "Remember what we did with the girls last weekend behind the barn? Dad said that the birds and bees do it too".
When John found Jimmy, he said "Jimmy, I just had a long lecture from Dad, and he wanted me to pass it on to you". Jimmy asked "So, what was it?".
John said "Remember what we did with the girls last weekend behind the barn? Dad said that the birds and bees do it too".
ERD50
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Good_Wife%27s_Guide
But is it really so bad? I mean, if we accept the premise that the husband was the "breadwinner", and the wife was a "stay at home Mom (or not even a Mom)", then why shouldn't she be working hard to have everything nice for him when he gets home, if he spent his day working hard so she could have nice things?
OK, I read further, and some of them are way over the top (you have no right to question him, he's always right!)? Hah!
-ERD50
Green Hornet 21
Dryer sheet aficionado
Business Trip
Mr Johnson and his attractive young secretary were returning from a business trip. As it was late and they had a long way to go, they decided to stop at a motel for the evening. At the front desk, the clerk advised them that he only had 1 room remaining but it did have twin beds. The 2 decided to take the room. In the middle of the night the secretary called over to Mr. Johnson telling him she was cold and asking if he could shut the open window in the room. Mr. Johnson replied that if she were truly cold, perhaps she might want to be Mrs. Johnson for the evening. She replied that she would very much like that.
Good he said, in that case, you shut the damn window.
Mr Johnson and his attractive young secretary were returning from a business trip. As it was late and they had a long way to go, they decided to stop at a motel for the evening. At the front desk, the clerk advised them that he only had 1 room remaining but it did have twin beds. The 2 decided to take the room. In the middle of the night the secretary called over to Mr. Johnson telling him she was cold and asking if he could shut the open window in the room. Mr. Johnson replied that if she were truly cold, perhaps she might want to be Mrs. Johnson for the evening. She replied that she would very much like that.
Good he said, in that case, you shut the damn window.
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