It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

[Car-Guy]

This might be a re-post:


A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years.
After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. 'Cold floors,' he says. They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass.
They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, 'Bad food.' They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass.
They bring him in for his two words. 'I quit,' he says.
'That’s not surprising,' the elders say. 'You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.'

 

[Nemo2]

THE RIOTING IN MAJOR CITIES ACROSS THE U.S. HAS SPREAD TO THE VILLAGES,
FLORIDA, A RETIREMENT COMMUNITY OF 100,000.

Looters in Florida’s friendliest hometown have especially broken into
stores that sell items like laxatives, vitamins, hearing aids, reading
glasses, energy drinks and surgical stockings.

The thugs were easily caught and arrested since they were using their
walkers and golf carts to flee. The protests have been limited to the
evening hours because most of the lawbreakers either had doctor’s
appointments during the day, or rioting would have interfered with their
naps.

The marches didn’t last that long because many of the demonstrators
had to get home to pee. In many cases, the demonstrators simply forgot
why they were even there.

Officials considered a curfew starting at 9 p.m. But since that’s the
time when most of the residents go to bed anyway, it was decided that it
wasn’t needed.

Community leaders concluded that part of the problem was that residents
were restless because they had too much time on their hands since the
recreation centers, pools, theaters, boutique stores and especially the
bars were closed due to the corona virus.

Community officials wanted to form a committee to look further into
the problem, but the next day no one could remember why they needed a
committee.

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[Whisper66]

A snail crawls into a Tesla dealership...

A salesman asks how he can help. The snail says, "I want a Model S."

The salesman scoffs and says, "You're a *snail.* Why would you want a Tesla Model S?"

The snail sadly replies, "Nobody ever pays attention or even notices me. I can't seem to make friends or meet girls. I figure if they see me speeding by in my Tesla, they'll finally say, "Wow! Look at that S car go!"

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[Whisper66]

I'm worried about my best friend. In the last week he has recently just purchased himself a new Ford, Tesla, BMW, Toyota

I think he might have a “car owner” virus

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[Nemo2]

 

[SecondCor521]

My state's transportation department has a good sense of humor.

We had a rock slide on one of our rural highways about a week ago and this is the sign they put up.

 

[Nemo2]

The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches… The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”

Joe was shocked and depressed.

He wondered if he had anything to live for.

He couldn’t concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.

He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need a new suit.”

He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.”

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see …size 44 long.”

Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“Been in the business 60 years!”

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”

Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.”

The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see…34 sleeve and 16 and a half. Neck.”

Joe was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“Been in the business 60 years!”

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about new shoes?”

Joe was on a roll and said, “Sure.”

The salesman eyed Joe’s feet and said, “Let’s see… 9- ½ E.”

Joe was astonished, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“Been in the business 60 years!”

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?”

Joe thought for a second and said, “Sure.”

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe’s waist and said “Let’s see…size 36.”

Joe laughed, “Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.”

The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”

 

[Keim]

I love that you called it a rural highway.

It is rural. It's also the ONLY north-south highway in the state. There is no easy way around that slide. Going around takes 4-5 hours, and requires going thru parts of Oregon and Washington.

My state's transportation department has a good sense of humor.

We had a rock slide on one of our rural highways about a week ago and this is the sign they put up.

 

[RetireBy90]

New Panic Room

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[Car-Guy]

How One letter can destroy your life…….

A husband, attending a one-week convention in Jamaica.
After a few drinks at the bar with a new found friend, he sends a text message to his wife:
Business is going well, having a great time.
Wish you were her...

 

[Walt34]

We've all been there:

 

[CaptTom]

How One letter can destroy your life…….

A husband, attending a one-week convention in Jamaica.
After a few drinks at the bar with a new found friend, he sends a text message to his wife:
Business is going well, having a great time.
Wish you were her...

That actually happened to me. On a business trip, sitting by the pool with my wife. Sent a (female) friend a photo of our drinks with umbrellas or whatever, with that caption, thanks to the auto-correct feature.

I caught it just before hitting "send." Showed it to my wife. We still crack up about it to this day.

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[brewer12345]

 

[harley]

I wasn't sure whether I should put this here or one of the snowbird threads.

 

[Car-Guy]

It’s the seventh game of the World Series, and a man makes his way to his seat right behind first base. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.
‘No,’ says the neighbor. ‘The seat is empty.’
‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the seventh game of the World Series, and not use it?’
The neighbor says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Series game we haven’t been to together since we got married.’
‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?’
The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

 

[Nemo2]

Stolen from elsewhere:

A patron in a Montreal restaurant turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded.

"This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked 'C' gave me boiling water."

"But, Monsieur, 'C' stands for chaud – French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."

"Wait a minute," roared the patron. "The other tap is also marked 'C'."

"Of course," said the manager. "It stands for cold. After all, Montreal is a bilingual city."