It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

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When insults had class

These glorious insults are from anera before the English language became boiled down to 4-letter words.

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallowsor of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."


"He had delusions of adequacy."-Walter Kerr


"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow


"He has never been known to use aword that might send a reader to the dictionary." -William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)


"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." -Moses Hadas


"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." Mark Twain


"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." -Oscar Wilde


"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one." -George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.

"Cannot possibly attend first night,will attend second ... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.


"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
-Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worshipshis creator." -John Bright


"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -Irvin S. Cobb


"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
-Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for aspine to run up." -Paul Keating


"In order to avoid being called a flirt,she always yielded easily."
- Charles, Count Talleyrand


"He loves nature in spite of what it didto him." -Forrest Tucker


"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -Mark Twain


"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.." -Mae West


"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
- Oscar Wilde


"He uses statistics as a drunken manuses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." -Andrew Lang (1844-1912)


"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." -Billy Wilder


"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening.But this wasn't it." – Groucho
 
The Winston Churchill quotes reminded me of this one:
Nancy Astor: "Winston, you are a drunk!"
Winston Churchill: "And you, madam, are ugly. But I shall be sober in the morning."
(Reported exchange with Winston Churchill.)
 
Seen on the side of a local Mexican food truck:

It’s nacho average Taco!

groan
 
New York – I hope they give us two weeks notice before sending us back out into the real world. I think we’ll all need the time to become ourselves again. And by “ourselves” I mean lose 10 pounds, cut our hair, and get used to not drinking at 9:00 a.m.

New monthly budget: Gas $0, Entertainment $0, Clothes $0, Groceries $2,799.

Breaking News: Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly recommended. Not so much to stop COVID-19, but to stop eating.

We low maintenance chicks are having our moment right now. We don’t have nails to file and paint, roots to dye, eyelashes to re-mink, and are thrilled not to have to get dressed every day. I have been training for this moment my entire life!

When this quarantine is over, let’s not tell some people.

I stepped on my scale this morning. It said: “Please practice social distancing. Only one person at a time on the scale.”

Not to brag, but I haven’t been late to anything in over 8 weeks.

It may take a village to raise a child, but I swear it’s going to take a vineyard to home school one.

You know those car commercials where there’s only one vehicle on the road? Doesn’t seem so unrealistic these days.

They may open things up next month — I’m staying in until July to see what happens to you all first.

Day 56: The garbage man placed an AA flyer on my recycling bin.

Appropriate analogy: “The curve is flattening, so we can start lifting restrictions now. Or could it be… “The parachute has slowed our rate of descent, so we can take it off now.”

People keep asking: “Is coronavirus REALLY all that serious?” Listen y’all, the churches and casinos are closed. When heaven and hell agree on the same thing, it’s probably pretty serious.

Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller wearing a mask and ask for money.

I am home schooling. The first day I tried to get this kid transferred out of my class.

Putting a drink in each room of my house today and calling it a pub crawl.

Okay, so the schools are closed. Do we drop the kids off at the teacher’s house?

For the second part of this quarantine do we have to stay with the same family or will they relocate us? Asking for myself…

Coronavirus has turned us all into dogs. We wander around the house looking for food. We get told “No!” if we get too close to strangers. We get really excited about going for walks and car rides.

I was in a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8:00 for seniors only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane. He returned and tried to cut in again, but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away. As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, “If you people don’t let me unlock the door, none of you will ever get in to shop.”


http://laborpress.org/66th-day-of-isolation-physical-distancing/
 
A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says to the rabbit, "What'll you have?" The rabbit answers, "I dunno, I am only here because of autocorrect."
 
See the attached.
 

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Oceanographic Covid:
 
Stolen:

I asked the doctor if I could administer my own anaesthetic...

He said, “Go ahead. Knock yourself out!”
 
About growing older...

First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it's such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.
 
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1- These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2- These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6- You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and are beautiful.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited .................
 
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This dog walks into a post office and says to the Postmaster "I need to send a telegram."
The Postmaster says "OK, what is it?"
The dog says "I need it to say, Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof." The Postmaster counts the words and says "Well, for the same price, I can put 3 more "woofs" in for you."
The dog looks at him and says "But then it wouldn't make any sense."
 
A woman and her lover are in bed and her son walks in on them but he quickly hides in the closet to save himself from embarrassment. The woman's husband comes home and she tells her lover to hide in the closet. The lover tells the son "boy its dark in here". The son says hey I have a baseball I can sell you for $1,500. The lover says no way and the son says my father is right out there so the lover says ok ok I'll give you the $1,500. About a week later the same thing happens, the lover hides in the closet and says to the son, boy its dark in here. This time the son has a $1,500 baseball mitt for sale and again the lover pays for it. The next day the husband asks the son, hey, how about we play some catch together. The son replies sorry dad, I sold my ball and glove for $3,000. The dad is shocked and says you should be ashamed of yourself for taking advantage of someone like that I want you to go to church and ask for forgiveness. The son reluctantly goes to church and goes directly to the confessional and closes the door. He hears the priest come in and sit down and quickly open the slide. Before the son can speak the priest says boy its dark in here.
 
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The virus has hit everybody really hard:

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.


I’m having a quarantine party this weekend! None of you are invited.
 
HOW THE INTERNET STARTED, ACCORDING TO THE BIBLE .
PLEASE DO NOT GOOGLE THIS ONE OR CHECK WITH SNOPES,
THEY WILL LIE TO YOU. TRUST ME!


In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham
Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy (Dot
for short). Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of
shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from
town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short
of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between
to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply
telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and
delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the
drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold
all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from
his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were
saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was
known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a
language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew to The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy
horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich
Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy
at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed
that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother
William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he
did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates'
drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by
others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it
came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO
Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated
Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things
around the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything
(GOOGLE).

That is how it all began. And that's the truth.

I would not make up this stuff.
 
frayne said:
HOW THE INTERNET STARTED, ACCORDING TO THE BIBLE .
PLEASE DO NOT GOOGLE THIS ONE OR CHECK WITH SNOPES,
THEY WILL LIE TO YOU. TRUST ME!


In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham
Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy (Dot
for short). Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of
shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from
town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short
of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between
to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply
telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and
delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the
drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold
all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from
his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were
saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was
known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a
language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew to The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy
horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich
Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy
at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed
that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother
William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he
did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates'
drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by
others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it
came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO
Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated
Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things
around the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything
(GOOGLE).

That is how it all began. And that's the truth.

I would not make up this stuff.
Click to expand...

Priceless!! Thanks for posting!
 
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