It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

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My mother and I were walking through the mall when a man stopped us to ask if we would take part in a survey. One of the questions was; "Do you think there is too much sex in movies?"

"I don't know," replied my mother. "I'm usually too wrapped up in the film to notice what the rest of the audience is doing."
 
Car-Guy said:
Blonde joke...



A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said,"I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bath tub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs. I can splash it on my eyes."
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This brought back memories of when I first heard this joke, in Benny Hill's UK number one hit back in 1971. It's now a music worm running in my mind all day...



She said she'd like to bathe in milk
He said alright sweetheart
And when he finished work one night
He loaded up the cart
He said you wanted pasturised
Coz pasturised is best
She says Ernie I'll be happy
If it comes up to me chest
And that tickled old Ernie (Ernie)
And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west
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A fleeing warrior is lost in the desert and he’s in desperate need of water.
Suddenly he sees what he thinks is a stall far off in the distance.
Hoping he might find water there, he hurries towards the stall only to find a little old man selling ties.
The warrior asks, “Do you have any water?“
The old man replies, “No I don’t have any water. Would you like to buy a tie? They’re only $5.“
The warrior is irritated by his response and says, “No! I don’t need an over-priced tie right now. I need water! You realize I’m armed? I could kill you. However I must find water first.“
“Alright” says the old man, “It doesn’t matter to me that you don’t want to buy a tie and that you don’t like me. I will show you that I’m the bigger person. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant, owned by my brother. It will have all the ice cold water you need. God be with you“.
Muttering, the warrior staggers off over the hill.
Several hours later he staggers back, almost dead.
“Your brother won’t let me in without a tie.“
 
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Guy goes to prison....old con is showing him the ropes
They walk into the mess hall and someone shouts "Three"....everybody laughs

Couple minutes later another prisoner yells "Eight".....everybody laughs.

This happens a bunch of times with different numbers.......laughs all around

Newbie asks what's going on.....lifer tells him that everyone has heard every joke so they've just assigned numbers to them all.

Newbie wants in and yells "Seven"......nobody laughs.

"What did I do wrong?" Newbie asks......"Nothing" says the lifer, "It's just that some people can't tell a joke".
 
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During one of her daily classes, a teacher, trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: 'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'
Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, how would you tell her that you have to go the bathroom?
Johnny said: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you to after dinner.'
Little Johnny is now a successful politician.
 
Car-Guy said:
During one of her daily classes, a teacher, trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: 'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'
Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, how would you tell her that you have to go the bathroom?
Johnny said: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you to after dinner.'
Little Johnny is now a successful politician.
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Thanks! passed along...:cool:
 
Proof that "numbers is hard", 4 out of 3 people struggle with math
 
Ever wonder about those people who spend ~$2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water?


Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
 
A man enters a bank in and asks for a loan of $2,000 for a trip to Europe. The loan officer asks for collateral, so the man points to his Rolls Royce parked outside. The bank takes the keys to the car and parks it in its underground parking lot. The man returns from his vacation and repays the $2,000, plus a minimal amount of interest (less than $20). The loan officer says, “Sir, while you were away we found that you’re a millionaire. Why did you need to borrow such a small sum of money?” The man replies, “I didn’t. Where else in New York City can I park my Rolls Royce for two weeks for less than $20?”
 
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A new and easy test for Covid-19 is doing the rounds and it's simple, quick and positive (or negative if you see what I mean). Maybe not as good as the medically approved version, but good test results are good test results!

Take a glass and pour a decent shot of your favorite whisky (gin, scotch, bourbon, or rum) into it; then see if you can smell it? If you can then you are halfway there.

Then drink it and if you can taste it then it is reasonable to assume you are currently free of the virus.

I tested myself 9 times last night and was virus free every time thank goodness. I will have to test myself again today though, as I have developed a headache which can also be one of the symptoms.[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
 
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard
talking at the zoo one day.
"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Tommy," replied the second.
"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?"
asked Billy.
Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Billy.
"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.
 
A man has been ill for some time. Fearing that his end is near, he calls his wife to his bedside.
"I have a last wish," he says to her. "Promise me that two months after I die, you'll marry our neighbor, Ken."
The wife is perplexed. "But darling, I thought you hated Ken," she asks him.
"I do," replied the man.
 
“Doctor, I think my wife is getting hard of hearing.”
“Well the doctor says, there’s a simple test you can run to see how bad the problem is: Start out 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone say something and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”
That evening, the man’s wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he’s in the living room. In a normal tone, he asks, “Honey, what’s for supper?”
No response.
So he moves to the other end of the room and repeats, “Honey, what’s for supper?” Still no response. Next, he moves into the dining room. “Honey, what’s for supper?” No response, so he walks up to the kitchen door. “Honey, what’s for supper?” Again, there is no response, so he walks right up behind her. “Honey, what’s for supper?”
“For the fifth time, Harry, CHICKEN!”
 
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A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car. Both of their cars are demolished, but amazingly neither of them was hurt. After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said: "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately, we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of 75-year-old scotch didn't break. Surely God meant for us to drink this vintage delicacy and celebrate our good fortune." Then she handed the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opened it, drank half the bottle, and then handed it back to the woman. The woman took the bottle, immediately put the cap back on, and handed it back to the man.The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police."
Some years ago Adam ate the apple. Will men never learn!
 
I have to thank you Car-Guy for all these jokes. I have been passing them along to my friends and I am a Big Hit! There's nothing like a little laughter during these times! :cool:
 
aja8888 said:
I have to thank you Car-Guy for all these jokes. I have been passing them along to my friends and I am a Big Hit! There's nothing like a little laughter during these times! :cool:
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Thanks and you are welcome. I agree that a little humor these days helps. Most of these have been shamelessly copied from another site I frequent. I find about 1 in ~10 worth posting here. In the past they didn't allow any off the hobby topic threads (like jokes) but they made an exception when all the virus stuff started earlier this year. It's been a huge hit, although the volume of jokes seems to be slowing down a bit. Hopefully they will allow it to continue...
 
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aja8888 said:
I have to thank you Car-Guy for all these jokes. I have been passing them along to my friends and I am a Big Hit! There's nothing like a little laughter during these times! :cool:
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+1 Great posts. Even DW has laughed a some of these recently. Keep em comming PLEASE
 
Paranoia is out of control: This morning, while reviewing this thread, I sneezed on my laptop and the anti-virus software started a scan of its own!
 
A blonde, and her two friends, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish.
The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home.
The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family.
The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."
 
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