It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020
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Car-Guy
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
A Single guy sets up a video diagnosis with a doctor and tells him he has an embarrassing problem.
He tells the doctor his penis turns orange every couple days.
The doctor looks starts looking on Web MD and even tries to Google the issue.
The doctor cannot figure it out so he has the guy tell him what he usually does 24 hours prior to each instance.
The guy says it usually happens a day or so after he does not have a date.
The doctor asks him his routine on those days.
The guy answers that he usually watches some porn and eats a bag of Cheetos.
He tells the doctor his penis turns orange every couple days.
The doctor looks starts looking on Web MD and even tries to Google the issue.
The doctor cannot figure it out so he has the guy tell him what he usually does 24 hours prior to each instance.
The guy says it usually happens a day or so after he does not have a date.
The doctor asks him his routine on those days.
The guy answers that he usually watches some porn and eats a bag of Cheetos.
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Car-Guy
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
A blonde woman had a flat tire on the highway. She eased her car to the shoulder. Carefully got out, and opened the trunk.
She then took out two cardboard men, unfolded them, and stood them at the rear of her car facing on-coming
traffic. They looked very lifelike, dressed in open trench coats that exposed their nude bodies and private parts to
approaching drivers.
Cars started slowing down to look at her cardboard cutouts, and traffic began backing up. Drivers honked their
horns and waved like crazy. It wasn’t long before a state trooper pulled up behind.
He got out of his car and walked towards the woman. He was not a happy camper!
“What’s going on here?” he asked.
“My car has a flat tire,” she said calmly.
“Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing behind your car?”
“What? You don’t know? Those are my emergency flashers!”
She then took out two cardboard men, unfolded them, and stood them at the rear of her car facing on-coming
traffic. They looked very lifelike, dressed in open trench coats that exposed their nude bodies and private parts to
approaching drivers.
Cars started slowing down to look at her cardboard cutouts, and traffic began backing up. Drivers honked their
horns and waved like crazy. It wasn’t long before a state trooper pulled up behind.
He got out of his car and walked towards the woman. He was not a happy camper!
“What’s going on here?” he asked.
“My car has a flat tire,” she said calmly.
“Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing behind your car?”
“What? You don’t know? Those are my emergency flashers!”
aja8888
Moderator Emeritus
Car-Guy
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
A very prestigious cardiologist died and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he had worked at for most of his life...
A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him, he said, I'm so sorry I was just thinking of my own funeral..... I'm a gynecologist!
A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him, he said, I'm so sorry I was just thinking of my own funeral..... I'm a gynecologist!
harley
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Showed three people counting myself. We all laughed out loud.
Car-Guy
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
The other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy!
She said, "I have some really great news! I'm pregnant!!!"
I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!"
Then she said, "There's more."
I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
She said "Well, I went to pharmacy and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!"
She said, "I have some really great news! I'm pregnant!!!"
I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!"
Then she said, "There's more."
I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
She said "Well, I went to pharmacy and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!"
Car-Guy
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
The wife starts to fry some eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, the husband burst into the kitchen....
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL!
Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!
Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him and says....
'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The man calmly replied....
'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving
Suddenly, the husband burst into the kitchen....
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL!
Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!
Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him and says....
'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The man calmly replied....
'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving
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Dtail
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Probably just learned how to put on a mask.
Car-Guy
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
An older man and a beautiful younger women, who he had picked up at a local bar, walk into a jewelry store. The man told the jeweler, I'd like to see something special. Price is immaterial.
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $140,000' the jeweler said. "It's the famous Azure Blue which belonged to a Maharajah."
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. Seeing this, the old man said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'Sir ..There's no money in that account!'
'''I know,' said the older man..'But let me tell you about my weekend.'"
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $140,000' the jeweler said. "It's the famous Azure Blue which belonged to a Maharajah."
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. Seeing this, the old man said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'Sir ..There's no money in that account!'
'''I know,' said the older man..'But let me tell you about my weekend.'"
Car-Guy
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Classified ad:
FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica with all the annual updates.
Excellent condition. $250 or best offer.
No longer needed. Got married. Wife knows everything.
FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica with all the annual updates.
Excellent condition. $250 or best offer.
No longer needed. Got married. Wife knows everything.
Car-Guy
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
ETERNAL TRUTHS - Updated
1) Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
2) I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
3) If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.
4) Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
5) Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
6) I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't
trust me so much.
7) Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
8) We cannot change the direction of the wind... but we can adjust our
sails.
9) Some days are a total waste of makeup.
10) Do you believe in love at first sight ... or should I walk by you
again?
11) If the shoe fits......buy it in every color.
12) If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
13) Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
14) Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in
a garage makes you a car.
15) Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
16) If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
before.
17) My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
18) Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
19) It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
20) For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
21) If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
22) Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
23) A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
24) Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
25) A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
26) Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist
change places.
27) Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
28) Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
before you need it.
29) There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
30) Experience is a wonderful thing- it enables you to recognize a mistake
when you make it again.
31) By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
32) Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real
world.
33) Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make
them all yourself.
1) Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
2) I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
3) If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.
4) Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
5) Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
6) I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't
trust me so much.
7) Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
8) We cannot change the direction of the wind... but we can adjust our
sails.
9) Some days are a total waste of makeup.
10) Do you believe in love at first sight ... or should I walk by you
again?
11) If the shoe fits......buy it in every color.
12) If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
13) Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
14) Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in
a garage makes you a car.
15) Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
16) If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
before.
17) My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
18) Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
19) It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
20) For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
21) If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
22) Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
23) A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
24) Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
25) A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
26) Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist
change places.
27) Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
28) Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
before you need it.
29) There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
30) Experience is a wonderful thing- it enables you to recognize a mistake
when you make it again.
31) By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
32) Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real
world.
33) Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make
them all yourself.
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