It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage. " Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender:

"Give me 15 shots of whiskey -- I just had my first blow job (bj)."

He then downs them all, one right after another.

"Wow," says the bartender, "That was fast -- do you want another?"

"No, if that doesn't kill the taste, nothing will."
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A guy is at a bar, and after every drink, he pulls out a photograph, looks at it, then orders another. He gets drunker and drunker, and the bartender asks him whether he's looking at a picture of an old love.

"No," replies the guy, "This is a picture of my wife. I keep drinking, and as soon as she looks good to me, I go home."
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first
chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you
persuade her to marry you?"
I lied about my age", Bob replies.
What, did you tell her you were only 50?"
Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

An elderly couple were standing in the courtroom in front of the judge.

The wife had stolen a can of peaches. The judge asked her how many
peaches were in the can she took. She replied that there were six.

He sentenced her to six days in jail - one for each peach she stole.

After hearing the sentence, her husband raised his hand to speak.

"Judge, you should know that she took a can of peas, too"!
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A man goes to a wizard because he's unhappy with the size of his manhood. The wizard helps him by putting a spell on him.

"For the next 24 hours, every time someone says 'Excuse me' or begs your pardon, your organ will grow by a quarter of an inch."

Excited, the man gets on a bus, and purposefully nudges strangers. When each one says "pardon me," he can feel the change. He takes a discreet peek into his pants and decides he just needs one more, and he'll be just right.

As he's getting off the bus he gives a final bump to an elderly Chinese man. The man turns around, bows low, and says "A thousand pardons, sir!"
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Unanswered Questions

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

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2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? (My sentiments exactly)

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3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?


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4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

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5. There are three religious truths: a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

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6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

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7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

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8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

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9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

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10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

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11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

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12 If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

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13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

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14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

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15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

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16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me .....they're cramming for their final exam.

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17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?

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18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

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19 If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

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20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

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21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

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22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

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23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

This is for Jarhead....

Subject: Heaven



After USC coach Pete Carroll passes away and enters the Pearly Gates,
God takes him on a tour. He shows Pete a little 2-bedroom house with a
faded USC banner hanging from the front porch. 

"Well Coach, this is your house. Most people don't get their own house
up here," God explains. 

Pete looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the one sitting
on the top of the hill. It's a huge 2-story mansion with white marble
columns and little patios under all of the windows. Longhorn flags line
both sides of the sidewalk with a huge white and burnt orange UT banner
hanging between the marble columns. 

"Thanks for the home, God, but can I ask you one question? How come I
get this little 2-bedroom house with a faded University of Southern Cal
banner, and Mack Brown gets that big mansion with new Longhorn banners
and flags flying all over the place, What's up with that?" 

God looks at him seriously for a moment and then replies, "Coach,
that's not Mack's house. That's my house."   
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A joke that could have only been created by a Texan... :LOL:
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

I remember Pete Caroll coaching the Patriots.

he's not going anywhere near heaven.
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

NEW WORDS FOR THE WORKPLACE

1. BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a Deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.


3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

5. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles

6. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

7. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

8. SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

9. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

11. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace.

12. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The J-Lo and Ben wedding (or not) was a prime example - Michael Jackson, another.

13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

14. ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

15. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.

16. GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

17. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake)

18. WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.

19. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Eagle43 said:
This is for Jarhead....

Subject: Heaven





God looks at him seriously for a moment and then replies, "Coach,
that's not Mack's house. That's my house."   


:D :D :D

Credit, where credits due. Good one.

Didn't realize the big guy was a Longhorn fan, or I would have never bet against them. ;)
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

If you want your dog to grow up big and strong like mine, feed him/her Iams dog food. Your dog will love you for it.
 

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

David Letterman Top Ten Signs Your Cat Is Too Fat

10. Gets winded purring

9. Instead of trying to run from dogs, sits on them

8. The Maury people call every damn hour

7. Ears perk up whenever you mention Wendy's Free Fixin's Bar

6. He used 8 lives on heart attacks

5. Cat carrier is a Ford Escort

4. Richard Simmons' cat staged intervention

3. Can only wear cute sweaters from the Big and Tall Kitty Shop

2. Litter box so huge, it has nude bathing section

1. Instead of "meow" he says, "mayo"
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Fire hydrants have H2O on the inside and K9P on the outside.
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

The head machinist in a machine shop goes into work one day to find he has a new assistant. “Know anything about machining?” he asks. Turns out the kid knows nothing but seems game to learn.

“OK” the journeyman machinist says, “go over to the tool cage and check me out a round file.”

The kid goes over to the cage and tells the tool manager he needs a file for his boss.

“You mean one of these flat bastards?” the tool managerr asks.

“No, give me one of them round motherf**ckers.”
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

George Carlin's View on Aging
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16!

And then the greatest day of your life . . . You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50
And your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90's, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

IMPORTANT NEWS FOR HUNTERS LIVING OR VACATIONING IN TEXAS:

Since Vice President Cheney’s accidental shooting incident, the Texas legislature has enacted emergency legislation to clarify provisions for the hunting and harvesting of attorneys. Relevant code sections follow.

§370.01 - Any person with a valid in-state rodent or snake hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sport (non-commercial) purposes.

§370.02 - Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of United States currency or negotiable securities as bait, however, is prohibited.

§370.03 - The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside, and the vehicle should proceed immediately to the nearest car wash.

§370.03.a - The taking of attorneys with a moving vehicle shall be deemed accidental if skid marks appear at the collision site or if visibility is impaired by fog, darkness, precipitation, or sunlight.

§370.04 - It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter, or aircraft.

§370.05 - It is unlawful to shout, "WHIPLASH", "AMBULANCE", or "FREE SCOTCH," for the purposes of luring or trapping attorneys.

§370.06 - It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW, Mercedes or Porsche dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoons.

§370.07 - It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs, hospitals, or brothels.

§370.08 - If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess the same; seasonal bag limits do not apply after election results are certified.

§370.09 - It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

§370.10 - Bag and Possession Limits per day: Yellow-bellied sidewinders, 2; Two-faced tortteasors, 1; Backstabbing divorce litigators, 3; Horn-rimmed cutthroats, 2; Minutiae-advocating dirtbags.

§370.11 - Honest attorneys are protected from all hunting and trapping as provided under the Federal Endangered Species Act.
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

St Patricks day is coming up...


Murphy was 77 years old. He had worked 80 hours a week all his life and never had a holiday. His children were all married and his wife had died.

He decided to enjoy life. He had a face lift, got a new expensive toupee, bought ten new suits and a brand new car.

One evening he got all dressed up in a new suit, new tie, put on his toupee, and got into his new car and drove off towards Dublin. He was only gone a mile when he was killed in an accident.

On arrival in heaven, he walked over to St. Peter and said, "What's going on here? All my life I worked hard, and finally, when I had everything in place to enjoy myself, I was killed. Why? Why did you let it happen?"

St. Peter ducked his head in embarrassment and said, "Well, to tell you the truth, Murphy, I didn't recognize you."
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Oldie but goodie

The Knob....

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.

The surgeon told her about a new procedure called, "The Knob,"
where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob and the effects were wonderful; the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
>>
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two
problems.

"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had
to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results.

But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these
terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said,
"Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the
goatee.


Sorry

Wally
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

TALKING DOG FOR SALE

A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house:

"Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff."
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Q: Why did the pervert cross the road?

A: Because his d*** was stuck in the chicken!
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

See how cell phones can you get you in trouble....

Wonderful Husband
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk.  Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$65,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing.  The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking 950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer
$900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up.
The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified,
well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

"May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would
prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she
charged $1,000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar
bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a
row--too expensive--and there were no discount s. The price was still
$1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they
went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded
that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie
and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever
been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, "South Carolina."

"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your
sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that there are three things in life that are certain:

1. Death
2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer
 
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