It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

At the annual Gridiron Club political press roast Saturday night, Bush complained that the press blew the Cheney hunting accident way out of proportion: “Good Lord, you’d thought he shot somebody or something.”
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

REWahoo! said:
At the annual Gridiron Club political press roast Saturday night, Bush complained that the press blew the Cheney hunting accident way out of proportion: “Good Lord, you’d thought he shot somebody or something.”
Click to expand...
I'll bet that was greeted with nervous laughter. How does the press know the difference between his "serious" face and his "joking" face?

I wonder if anyone in the Bush administration has tried to succeeded in explaining the concept of Gridiron to him...
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Butter vs Crisco


Bubba is showering in a locker room with his buddy when he notices his
friend is very well endowed. "Damn, Bob, you're really hung!"

Bob exclaims. "I wasn't always this impressive; I had to work for it."

"What do you mean?" Bubba asked.

"Well, everyday for the past 2 years, I've spent an hour each night
rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy, but it actually made it
grow 4 inches! You should try it."

Bubba agrees, and the two say good-bye.

A few months later, the two are in the same locker room, and Bob asks
Bubba how his situation was developing. Bubba replied, "I did what you
said, Bob, but I've actually gotten smaller! I lost 2 inches already!"

"Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?"

"Well, we don't usually have real butter, so I've been using Crisco."

"Crisco!" Bob exclaimed. "Dammit, Bubba, Crisco is shortening!"
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

And a few more short ones .... Enjoy!!



I was in the Express Lane at the store, quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So, which six items would you like to buy?"

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?!

****
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table.

"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes."

They were seated immediately.

****
The reason congressmen try so hard to get reelected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

****
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.

As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

****
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Merle commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in peoples' lives."

Don said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

****
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord, "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."

Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."

Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."

****

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says. "I spoke to your wife ... spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"


The man said yes, and the Rabbi replied, ......."Take the poison".
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Outtahere said:
Butter vs Crisco

"Well, everyday for the past 2 years, I've spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy, but it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it."
Click to expand...

Oh Great, Outtahere - Now they will be having butter with their wheat bread every night!
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Good grief!!! I NEVER thought of that. ::)
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Irishmen:

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.

After a while, one guy looks at the other and says,

"I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland "

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am" The first guy says, "So am I 

And where about from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin , I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I.

And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says,

"A lovely little area it was, I lived on McClearly Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says,

"Faith & it's a small world, so did I.! So did I.

And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers,

"Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited and says,

"And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers,

"Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims,

"The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!

I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight.

Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters,

"It's going to be a long night tonight"

Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"

"The Murphy twins are drunk again."
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Today is the anniversary of Albert Einstein's
birthday. He was born March 14, 1879.

Few remember that after his first marriage dissolved in 1919,
the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal.

He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed.

He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is stronger if there is a DNA connection.

It is known as Einstein's Theory of Relativetitty.
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Dave Barry (the smartest man in the world--see "Dave Barry's Guide to Guys".) once warned that breasts make men stupid. The issue was the Wonderbra, which he considered a danger to mankind. (They got me, Dave! I 'got lucky' that the rest of the package was a lot smarter than me and a whole lot nicer :). I still don't know what women see in men. Just as well, as the race would die out rather quickly if they had both good eyes and horse-sense.)

El Gitano
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

The Internal Revenue sends their auditor (a nasty little jerk  :eek:) to
audit a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."


Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.


A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When
we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and
then, they send us a free box of candles."


"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question
actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another question,
in his obnoxious way... "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do..with the crumbs from the matzo?"


"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs,
we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then,
they send a box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins
from the circumcisions? "

Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do
is save up all the foreskins. And when we have enough we actually
send them to the Internal Revenue Service."


"Internal Revenue Service?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "Internal Revenue Service,  and
about once a year, they send us a little prick like you
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A good friend sent this. I think most of us rednecks and bluebellies ;) will enjoy it.

This is the best Bush impression I've ever seen.
This guy appeared at the roast of Jeff Foxworthy. He's hilarious.

Performer's name is Steve Bridges.

http://www.wimp.com/bushcomedy
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Today's Thursday!
No joke yet.
What? Every other day's good enough, but Thursday is pffft!?
So this guy walked into a bar....
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table, until the wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drink right after
we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

frayne said:
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table, until the wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drink right after
we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
Click to expand...
:D


This one is dedicated to Apocalypse..

Iraqis On Star Trek

The Iraqi Ambassador to the UN was walking down the hallway and bumped into President Bush.
Hoping to break the ice with an innocuous comment, the ambassador quickly said, "Respectfully, sir. I have a question about what I’ve seen in America."
Politely, President Bush answered, "If I can help explain things to you, please let me know."
The Iraqi whispered. "My little girl watches this show called 'Star Trek' and in this show, there’s Chekov who is a Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Sulu who is Chinese… but there aren't any Iraqis. Why aren’t there any Iraqis on Star Trek?".
President Bush whispered back to the ambassador, "It's because Star Trek takes place in the future."
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

ST. PATRICK'S DAY SELF-HELP GUIDE

St. Patrick's Day: the one day of the year when the 2% of the world's
population that's Irish gets the other 98% completely schnockered.

Leg 1: 7 a.m. to 9 a.m.
Rise and shine early. Take a long, hot shower, and liberally use
aftershave, perfume, cologne, deodorant and powders afterwards,
because by 3p.m., you will be excreting raw alcohol and other
poisons, and without proper preparations, you will smell like a
three-day dead cat wrapped in a fraternity carpet.

The bars open at 9, so use this time to prepare. Collect the
following supplies and put them in a place where you will easily be
able to find it in an impaired condition. We recommend the bathroom
floor, between the toilet and the baseboard heater, since that's
where you'll probably end up:

1 quart spring water
1 bottle aspirin
5 pairs Depends undergarment
1 bottle Percocet
1 gram morphine sulphate
1 oz. human adrenaline extract
1 precharged electric defibrillator
4 Cardiac needles
1 trauma surgeon
Brew a strong pot of coffee. Add 9 oz. Jameson Irish whiskey, drink.
Note that coffee should be drunk liberally throughout the day. There
is a reason that the Irish invented Irish Coffee; unless you ingest a
large volume of artificial stimulants throughout the course of St.
Patrick's Day, you are going to die.

Arrange to be picked up to be taken to the bar by 8:45 a.m. We cannot
stress enough that you should not drink and drive. There is no reason
to chance losing your license or killing someone in a drunken state
when you have plenty of idiot friends willing to take that risk on
your behalf.

Leg 2: 9 a.m. to 11 a.m.
Arrive at the bar right when it opens. Make sure this is an Irish bar
if at all possible. An Irish bar in Boston is the best alternative,
since Boston in Gaelic means West Kilarney. However, almost every city
in America has bars called The Blarney Stone, McSomethings, or The
Dirty Mick. Just try to ignore the fact that the bar is probably owned
by Koreans.

Secure a barstool and do not leave it under any circumstances. The
bar is liable to be packed by noon, and real Irish people do not wait
in line for drinks, no matter what the consequences.
While we do recommend
the use of an adult undergarment to mask unpleasant smells, it really
doesn't matter. By afternoon, you'll be sopping wet with spilled beer
anyway, and your mild urine smell will be completely overpowered by
the toxic stench of vomit.

We recommend starting out with a few more Irish Coffees to spike the
stimulant level, however, you should not order an "Irish Coffee," as
you will be given a fruity little glass mug topped with whipped cream
and a cherry, and some guy named Seamus will call you a yuppie poseur
while putting a cigarette out on your neck. Ask for coffee with
whiskey and ask the bartender to leave the whipped cream can, as nothing
will add spice to your day like the occasional whippet.


Leg 3: 11 a.m. to 2 p.m.
It's lunchtime! You may not be hungry, but it's important to eat
something, because like Sheriff Bart said in Blazing Saddles:" Man
drink like that, and don't eat, he is going to die." If you want to
maintain your buzz and not get that hideous, bloated feeling that
could slow down your drinking, there are only two options: popcorn or
Pop
Tarts.

Both have the carbohydrates you'll need to give you energy, both will
soak
up excess bile in your stomach, and both have names that are hard to
slur.

If you start slurring your words too early, you'll hear the most
frightening phrase in the English language on St. Patrick's Day
besides I'm pregnant: "You're cut off".
By now, you should switch off of coffee drinks to beer. You have only
one option here: Guinness stout. You may be tempted to order green
beer, but remember: beer doesn't always turn green because of food
coloring.

Leg 3: 2 p.m. to 7 p.m.
By now, the bar is definitely crowded as people take long lunches and
bail out of work early to tie one on. If you're doing your job
correctly, the bar should look twice or three times as crowded as it
really is. By now, you may be in conversation with some real Irish
people, since the person you came with has likely been taken away by
ambulance.
Some conversational points to remember when talking to the Irish are:
Football really means Soccer, and you should be more passionate about
it than you are about your wife or husband, AND The English are all
piss-arsed, pig-bleeping bastards who should be lined up and kicked
into the Liffey. If you remember those two points, as well at least
three derogatory names for Margaret Thatcher, you can talk to the
Irish for hours. You should continue to drink Guinness throughout
this leg,

although you may want to have another Irish Coffee if your heartbeat
has become irregular.


The Home Stretch: 7 p.m. to Closing
Your goal, of course, is to be the last person to leave the bar at
closing time. This will be impossible, since a blood alcohol content
of .50 usually equals death, and you should be pushing a .35 or .40 by
now. The only way for a true Irishman to leave a bar before closing
time with honor is to be hauled away by the police.

Throw a punch. It doesn't
matter who you hit or why; no one's made any sense since 3 o'clock,
anyway. You will be beaten mercilessly, since your fine motor control
has been gone since the late morning, but it doesn't matter since you
can't feel anything.

Depending on your community, the police should arrive within fifteen
minutes to scrape you off the floor and clap you in irons. The final
impression you leave is the most important: as you are being dragged
from the bar, begin screaming that you want to take your drink with
you. You will be a legend, and by now the friend who took you to the
bar should have had his or her stomach pumped, and will be able to
bail you out.

By following these simple guidelines, your St. Patrick's Day
experience would be one you would never forget if it weren't
physically and biologically impossible for you to remember any of it.
Tune in next month for our next self- help guide: The Pros and Cons
of Waking Up Naked In a Dumpster.
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

I'm taking tomorrow off...NO WAY I want to be in Boston tomorrow, BTDT and it's not pretty LOL
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

I *liked* boston on st pattys day.

My first one in SF was frickin weird. All the bars rolled down the doors at about 9:00 and that was it... :p
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Cute 'n Fuzzy Bunny said:
I *liked* boston on st pattys day.

My first one in SF was frickin weird. All the bars rolled down the doors at about 9:00 and that was it... :p
Click to expand...
You must not have been at Abbey Tavern out on Geary. :dead: >:D

Used to be wild ones downtown in the 70's - street party - but fighting in the streets -somebody died and insurance concerns, etc. changed things....
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

In honor of My Favorite Holiday, St. Patty's Day, here's Denis Leary's traditional Irish Folk Song:

They come over here
And they take all our land
They chop off our heads
And they boil them in oil
Our children are leaving
And we have no heads
We drink and we sing
And we drink and we die

We have no heads
We have no heads

They come over here
And they chop off our legs
They cut off our hands
And put nails in our eyes
O'Grady is dead
And O'Hanrahan's gone
We drink and we die
And continue to drink

O'Hanrahan
No O'Hanrahan

They buried O'Neil
Down in country Shillhame
The poor children crying
And fe dee din de
Hin fle di dinfle
Di din fle de din de
In hey bibble bibble
Hey bibble bibble
Hey fle bibble de

O'Hanrahan
No O'Hanrahan

We drink and we sing
And we drink and we sing
Hey!
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A drunk staggers into a Catholic church. enters a confessional booth,
sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his
attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally the Priest
pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use
knockin'; there's no paper on this side either."
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

How to be Politically Correct

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."

3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"

8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."

12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."

6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."

7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."

9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."

10. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."
 
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