It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

[Walt34]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

'We're sorry, Mr. Brown, but we have some information about your wife,' said one trooper.

'Tell me! Did you find her?' Mr. Brown shouted.

The troopers looked at each other.

One said, 'We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?'

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Brown said, 'Give me the bad news first.'

The trooper said, 'I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay.'

'Oh, my God!' exclaimed Mr. Brown. Swallowing hard, he asked, 'What's the good news?'

The trooper continued, 'When we pulled her up, she had 15 twenty-five-pound King crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her.'

Stunned, Mr. Brown demanded, 'If that's the good news, what's the great news?'

The trooper said, 'We're going to pull her up again tomorrow. [/FONT]

 

[jIMOh]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".

"I remember that too", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"

 

[jIMOh]

A middle management executive has to take on some sport by his doctor's orders, so he decides to play tennis.

After a couple of weeks his secretary asks him how he's doing.

"It's going fine," the manager says. "When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding toward me, my brain immediately says, 'To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!'"

"Really? What happens then?" the secretary asks.

"Then my body says, 'Who? Me? You must be kidding!'"

 

[jIMOh]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of silly blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "OK jerk, I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, and of reaching my full potential as a person."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee

 

[jIMOh]

Sammy was up to his eyes in money troubles and could see no way out except winning the lottery. He went to the synagogue and prayed to win. At the next draw he waited confidently, but was disappointed.

He returned to the synagogue and prayed again, pointing out that he had lived an exemplary life, devoutly observing dietary laws, and contributing to Jewish charities. Still at the next draw he didn't win.

He returned to the synagogue close to despair, but before he could find the words a voice spoke to him out of the clouds: "OK, you want to win the lottery. But please, meet me halfway. Buy a ticket."

 

[jIMOh]

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.

Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation.

Speaking in a cheery voice, the woman says, "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. OK. Bye-bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

 

[jIMOh]

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!"

"I'm very sorry, sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank." So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about the situation.

They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no problem, damn it!" the man says, "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"

"I see," says the manager. "Is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

 

[jIMOh]

Peyton Manning, Tony Romo and Tom Brady go to heaven to visit God and watch the Celtics play a game. God decides who will sit next to him by asking the boys a question.

God asks Peyton Manning first, "What do you believe?" Peyton thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my fans." God can't help but see the essential goodness of Manning, and offers him a seat to his left.

Then God turns to Tony Romo and says, "What do you believe?" Tony says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage, and honor are the fundamentals of life. I too have been lucky, but win or lose I've always tried to be a true sportsman, both on and off the field." God is greatly moved by Tony's sincere eloquence, and he offers him a seat to his right.

Finally, God turns to Tom Brady and says, "And you, Tom, what do you believe?" Tom replies, "I believe you're in my seat."

 

[Alan]

Ensure you read the editor's note.

There is much merit in the following although murders of spouses may increase as a result.

Advice from a retired husband:
It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Terri. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Terri to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the extended health care benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.
I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out twice in one day is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She has to take a break when she is only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Terri. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Signed,
Jim

EDITOR'S NOTE:
Jim died suddenly on 27 September of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end with barely 15 centimetres of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Terri was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty accepting her defence that Jim, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

 

[mickeyd]

Alternative Names For Cubicles

14. Soul-Sucking Pod o' Death

13. Tomb of the Unknown Bureaucrat

12. Slack-In-The-Box

11. Headquarters, Jodie Foster Fan Club

10. Peon Palazzo

9. Yuppie Terrarium

8. The SnackFooda Triangle

7. English Majors Entry Point

6. Luxury Manhattan Apartment

5. Picasso's Folly

4. International Porn Downloading Headquarters

3. Fortress of Servitude

2. Casa de Livin' La Vida Veal

1. Wraparound Turbo Demoralizer 2000

 

[Alan]

When Microsoft finally makes something that doesn't suck, you'll know that they have started making vacuum cleaners

 

[Jeb-NY]

Life's little wonders.
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's
called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on
planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

 

[Nords]

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Because they were built with federal tax funds, and now that Boston is done with the equipment they're just about to start drilling the Long Beach Tunnel...

 

[mickeyd]

Marriage Counseling - Southern Style


Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,

chewing and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says,

"I think I'm gonna divorce my wife - she ain't spoke to

me in over 2 months."

Earl spits, sips his beer and says,
"Better think it over Bubba ...

.........women like that are hard to find."

 

[mickeyd]

8x2

Eight Words With Two Meanings


1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) ad
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family
Male: Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male: A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

 

[jIMOh]

Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should

Spend the rest of your

day.....



There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush.

By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully

expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.



Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses,

how should he express himself?



Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...

























He opens his mouth and says. 'I would like to buy a pair of Sunglasses'.
If you got this wrong -- please turn off your computer and call it a day.

 

[TromboneAl]

Redneck Hot Tub:

 

[TBPu]

Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming, "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come off of me fly? I canna button me pants."

"Oh Angus .. I've got me hands in the dishpan. Go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin' ya with it."

About 5 minutes later there' s a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling down the stairs.

Walking back in the door with a blackened eye and a bloody nose comes Angus


The little lady looks at him and says, "Me God, what happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told you?"

"Aye," says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button and she did. Everything was goin' fine but just when she finished and bent doon to bite of the wee thread, Mr. MacDonald walked in."

 

[Alan]

The tale of the talking duck

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of bitter and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, 'But you're a duck.'

'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.

'And you talk!' exclaims the barman.

'I see your ears are working,' says the duck. 'Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'

'Certainly,' says the barman. 'Sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?'

'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck.

The duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.

This continues for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to him, 'You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!'
'Sounds marvelous,' says the ringmaster. 'Get him to give me a call.'

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr.Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!'

'Yeah?' says the duck. 'Sounds great, where is it?'

'At the circus,' says the barman.

'The circus?' the duck enquires.

'That's right,' replies the barman.

'The circus?' the duck asks again.

'Yes,' says the barman

'That place with the big tent?' the duck enquires.

'Yeah,' the barman replies.

'With all the animals?' the duck questioned.

'Of course' the barman replies.

'With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle,' asks the duck.

'That's right!' says the barman.

The duck looks confused...


'What would they want with a plasterer?'

 

[Jeb-NY]

A few memorable quotes.

"He who dies with the most toys is dead." --John M. Vreeland

"Nothing is certain but debt and faxes." -- Lorne Walton

"Get the facts first, and then you can distort them as you like." - Mark Twain

"... Profits, like sausages ... are esteemed most by those who know least about what goes into them." - Alvin Toffler

"Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils." - Hector Berlioz (1803-1869), French composer

Imagination is more important than knowledge. - Albert Einstein

"Better that a girl has beauty than brains because boys see better than they think." -unknown

"Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others." -Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

 

[Walt34]

A Scotsman walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey Miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100? "Are you nuts?" she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.

"Listen, I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the Scotsman runs around the next block and faces her again, "Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars. Okay, just once, but not here. Let's go to that alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well, are you going to bite them or not?"

"Nah," says the Scotsman. "Costs too much."

 

[Alan]

Tale of the Irish Sausage

Tale of the Irish Sausage


Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't
have a lot of money between them, they could only
raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out
with one large sausage.
Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any
money left at all!"
Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two
pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much
trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a
plan, Cheers!"
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick
the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees
and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them
out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and
more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I
can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are
killin'me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the
sausage in the third pub.

 

[Khan]

If you are a geezer and a geek

Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set (part I):

BBW ..Branch Both Ways
BEW ..Branch Either Way
BBBF .Branch on Bit Bucket Full
BH ....Branch and Hang
BMR ..Branch Multiple Registers
BOB ..Branch On Bug
BPO ..Branch on Power Off
BST ..Backspace and Stretch Tape
CDS ..Condense and Destroy System
CLBR .Clobber Register
CLBRI Clobber Register Immediately
CM ...Circulate Memory
CMFRM Come From -- essential for truly structured programming
CPPR Crumple Printer Paper and Rip
CRN ..Convert to Roman Numerals

Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set (part II):

DC ....Divide and Conquer
DMPK Destroy Memory Protect Key
DO ....Divide and Overflow
EMPC Emulate Pocket Calculator
EPI ...Execute Programmer Immediately
EROS Erase Read Only Storage
EXCE Execute Customer Engineer
HCF ..Halt and Catch Fire
IBP ...Insert Bug and Proceed
INSQSW Insert into queue somewhere (for FINO queues [First in never out])
PBC ..Print and Break Chain
PDSK Punch Disk

Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set (part III; last):

PI ....Punch Invalid
POPI Punch Operator Immediately
PVLC Punch Variable Length Card
RASC Read And Shred Card
RPM ..Read Programmers Mind
RSSC reduce speed, step carefully (for improved accuracy)
RTAB Rewind tape and break
RWDSK rewind disk
RWOC Read Writing On Card
SCRBL scribble to disk - faster than a write
SLC ..Search for Lost Chord
SPSW Scramble Program Status Word
SRSD Seek Record and Scar Disk
STROM Store in Read Only Memory
TDB ..Transfer and Drop Bit
WBT ..Water Binary Tree

 

[Alan]

Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set

Boy, was that a blast from the past, I still remember when the "mini-computer" revolution started and the PDP-8 came out. (12-bit predecessor of the PDP-11).

As we've seen stated before, there are only 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who don't

 

[frayne]

Understanding Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students crossing the campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."


Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.



Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters.

They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"



Understanding Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.




Understanding Engineers - Take Five

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"



Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer." Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"



Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

"Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet"



Understanding Engineers - Take Eight

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?"

"Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."



Understanding Engineers - Take Nine

An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."