It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

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Cajun Economics

A Cajun man from Louisiana walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the
loan officer.
He told the loan officer that he was going to London on business for two weeks
and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for
the loan, so the Louisiana man handed over the keys to a new Ferrari.
The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The man produced the
title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as
collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at
the Cajun from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000
loan.
An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground
garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Louisiana man returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest
of $23.07.
The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business,
and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a
multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow
$5,000?'

The Louisiana man replied, 'Where else in New York City can I park my car
for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?'
Don't ever underestimate a Cajun!
 
Creation



​
On the first day, God created the dog and said:



'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks



past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'



The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and


I'll give you back the other ten?'


So God agreed.


On the second day, God created the monkey and said:


'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you


a twenty-year life span.'


The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to


perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'


And God agreed.


On the third day, God created the cow and said:


'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the


sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will


give you a life span of sixty years.'


The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.


How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'


And God agreed again.


On the fourth day, God created man and said:


'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty


years.'


But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the


forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave


back; that makes eighty, okay?'


'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'


So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy


ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.


For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And


for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.


Life has now been explained to you.


There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as


a public service.
 
Sara Pipalini

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter.. He says, 'Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.

The first nun says, 'I want to be Sophia Loren;'
And "poof" she's gone.

The second says, 'I want to be Madonna and "poof" she's gone.

The third says, 'I want to be Sara Pipalini.'

St. Peter looks perplexed. 'Who?' he asked.
'Sarah Pipalini,' replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, 'I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell.'

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter .

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says.

'No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.'

If you laugh, you're going straight to hell!
 
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932, the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 PM for 20 cents.

I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $3.50.

Then my wife's father died and left us ten million dollars."
 
The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.

The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.

8. Viagra, like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your drain. This is your drain on drugs.
 
The Cardiologist's Funeral

A beloved cardiologist died and was given an
elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood
behind the casket during his service. Following the eulogy,
the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart
then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart
forever.


At that point, one of the mourners burst into
laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said,
I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.
I'm a gynecologist.'
The proctologist fainted.....
 
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, but they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

Neither of them had anything to wipe with. The first one thought she would just take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, 'These girl nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst... My wife came home with no panties!!'

'That's nothing,' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....

'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you'
 
A couple are watching television when the husband asks his wife if she can tell him something that makes him both happy and sad at the same time.

"Sure. You've got a bigger penis than any of your friends."
 
A young couple wanted to join a very popular church in their small town. The preacher was s gifted speaker, the congregation was very friendly and active, and it seemed like the right church for them.

They finally met with the pastor to discuss joining the congregation

"Well, many people want to join our church, but we find it is best if new couples show their willingness to sacrifice first. We ask couples to remain celibate for two months--if they can do that, we welcome them in."

The husband spoke for both of them. "Well, pastor, we are a young couple and very much in love, that's a tall order, but we can do it."

Every week the couple met with the pastor, and the trend was clear--they were being mightily tested.

On the seventh week, the couple was wearing a crestfallen look when they met with the pastor.
The young bride started. "It was my fault! It was hot out, and I wanted to be comfortable, but I shouldn't have worn those little tight shorts!"
"I should have had more willpower" the husband continued." But we had endured this for so long, and when she bent over in those shorts to pick up that can of paint, I just couldn't help myself. We made passionate love right there."

"Well," the pastor said, with some disapproval "I'm afraid you're not welcome in our church"

"Yeah, well, we're not welcome in Home Depot anymore, either."
 

A Woman's Poem

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the sh*t out of him...
Like his mother used to do.

 
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -- make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use wash cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Rinse off.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, and light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
 
Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics:

1. Weightlifting commentator: 'This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.

'2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.

'3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'

4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.

5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.

'6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.

'7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.

'8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is every where. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.

'9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?
 
SAD NEWS.......

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment
community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection
and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities
turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs.
Butterworth, Hungry
Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and
Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a
man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in
show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.

He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flakey at times, he still was a crusty
old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John
Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven.

He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
 
Tinkle

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a
healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in
tears. 'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet
came out,' replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mom,
I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.' Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years
ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said the
Mom, 'I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'

'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'
 
Two men were out playing golf on a nice Saturday afternoon. They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing right in front of them were quite slow and were holding up the men's game.

"Don't they know they're supposed to let us play through?" asked the first man.

The other man shook his head. "I'm going to go ask them if we can play through," said the first man emphatically. "Enough is enough."

He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost.

"Oh God," he said to his friend, "This is awful. You're going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one of them is my wife and the other is my mistress."

The other man shrugged and said: "No sweat." He walked over toward the women, and just as he was getting close, he turned around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he said: "Small world!"
 
A group of golfers were approaching the first tee when they noticed a woman being given first aid. One of the golfers asked what had happened and he was informed that the woman had been stung by a bee and was having a reaction.

"Where was she bit?" he asked.

"Between the first and second hole" was the reply.

"Wow!” he replied, “She must have been standing right over the hive."
 
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said: "I’m here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."

"That’s quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I’m here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

Puzzled, the lawyer asked: "How do you start a flood?"
 
What is the difference between girls aged:
8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, and 68?

At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 - You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 - If you take her to bed, that’ll be a story!
 
A little boy goes up to his father and asks: “Dad, what’s the difference between hypothetical and reality?”

The father replies, “Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she’d have sex with the mailman for $500,000.”

The boy goes and asks his mother: “Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?”

The mother replies, “Hell yes I would!”

The little boy returns to his father. “Dad, she said ‘Hell yes I would!’”

The father then says, “OK, now go and ask your older sister if she’d have sex with her principal for $500,000.”

The boy asks his sister, “Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?”

The sister replies: “Hell yes I would!”

He returns to his father. “Dad, she said ‘Hell yes I would!’”

The father answers, “OK, son, here’s the deal: Hypothetically, we’re millionaires, but in reality, we’re just living with a couple of whores.”
 
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