It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

[jIMOh]

Billy-Bob was walking into town one day wearing nothing but his gun and his boots. Just as he began walking down Main Street he was confronted by the sheriff.

“Hey, Billy-Bob, ya mind if I ask you what you are doin’ walkin’ down Main Street wearin’ nothin’ but your gun belt and boots?”

“Well Sheriff, it’s a long story.”

“I ain’t going nowhere”, said the sheriff.

“Well Sheriff, a couple hours ago I ran into Mary Lou in the saloon. We had ourselves a couple of drinks and then we started to feelin’ kinda frisky and Mary Lou said, ‘Why don’t we go out to the barn?’ So we did. Then we started getting real close and cuddlin’ and smoochin’ and Mary Lou said, ‘Why don’t we go out back and go up to the top of the hill.’ So we did.”

He continued. “We started cuddlin’ and smoochin’ some more and the next thing I know, Mary Lou had taken off all her clothes and she suggested that I do the same. So I did, all except my gun belt and boots. Then Mary Lou laid down on the ground and spread her legs apart and said, ‘Okay, Billy-Bob, go to town.’”

 

[jIMOh]

What do you call an englishman at the world cup?

a referee.

The english referee was at the pearly gates. Saint Peter came and interviewed him.
"Do you think you belong in heaven?"
"Yes" replied the referee. "I have done what is right for the game of soccer time and time again."
Saint Peter asked "Could you give me an example?".
"Sure. Brazil scored and made the game 1-0 and was holding on against Germany. Then the German striker got taken down with about 30 seconds left and I awared the penalty kick. Germany could have tied the game right there."
Saint peter started getting excited and into the game. "I don't remember this. What happened next".
"Not sure" the referee said, "I awarded the penalty kick about 30 seconds ago."

 

[jIMOh]

A drunk stumbles along a Baptismal service on a Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to stumble down into the water and stands next to the Minister.

The Minister turns, notices the old drunk and says, “Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?”

The drunk looks back and says, “Yes sir, I am.”

The Minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. “Have you found Jesus?” the Minister asks.

“No, I didn’t!” said the drunk.

The Minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, “Now brother, have you found Jesus?”

“No, I did not!” says the drunk again.

Disgusted, the Minister holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him up and demands, “For the grace of God, have you found Jesus yet?!”

The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”

 

[TromboneAl]

Reminds me of my favorite line from "The Great Lebowski:" "I'm sure it's in there. Let me take another look."

----------------

My wife is a witch. One day we were driving in the car and she told me she was a witch and could do magic. I expressed my skepticism, so she leaned over and whispered in my ear. Sure enough, I turned into a motel.

 

[two4theroad]

Someone is WRONG!

 

[calmloki]

Big Pharma advertising:

 

[two4theroad]

I don't know what happened yesterday to my attachment. It was there right after I submitted it but today it is gone. Here it is again.

When I saw this I could just see so many of our members in that chair.....

2fer

 

[Khan]

 

[Notmuchlonger]

Whats funny about Jesus loving children very very much?

 

[VaCollector]

Trust the Irish to see through the blarney and see the basics of politics in just a few sentences...

A point to ponder despite anyone's political affiliation:

We, in Ireland, can't figure out why you people are even bothering to hold an election in the United States.On one side, you had a pants wearing female lawyer, married to another lawyer who can't seem to keep his pants on, who just lost a long and heated primary against a lawyer, who goes to the wrong church, who is married to yet another lawyer, who doesn't even like the country her husband wants to run. Now... On the other side, you have a nice old war hero whose name starts with the appropriate 'Mc' terminology, married to a good looking younger woman who owns a beer distributorship!! What in God's name are ya lads thinkin over in the colonies?

 

[Nords]

.

 

[two4theroad]

Raisin Bread or Wheat?

A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely.

The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner.

As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what was going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.

With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself.

Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you, too?"

"No," stammers the old man, "but it's a quiverin'."

 

[eddieb]

Henry Ford Meets God

When Henry Ford died, St. Peter greeted him at the Pearly Gates. "The car was such a great invention," St Peter told Ford, "that you can hang out in Heaven with whoever you like."

Ford immediately told St Peter cockily that he wished to meet God Himself.

So, St. Peter took Ford to the Throne Room & introduced him to God.

As soon as they met, Ford did not hesitate to ask God, "When you invented women, what were you thinking?"

"What do you mean?" God inquired.

"Why, women have major design flaws," Ford told him. "There is too much protrusion, they chatter way too much at high speeds, & their maintenance is too high."

"In addition," Ford continued, "they constantly need re-painting, they are out of commission at least 5 or 6 days out of every month, & their rear ends wobble."

"Finally," Ford concluded, "the intake is too close to the exhaust, the headlights are too small, & fuel consumption is outrageous."

God then told Ford to wait while He went over to check out some information on His Celestial Computer. Upon returning, God informed the car maker: "The invention may be flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."

 

[BigBob]

Chuck Norris humor

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's freaking beef.

Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Chuck Norris is Darth Vader's father.

Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces of wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out what happened to Barry.

 

[BigBob]

Because there is not enough Chuck:

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.

Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. (I guess that makes it 4 times!)

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

 

[bbbamI]

what a bad day looks like...

 

[Alan]

NO, I DON'T want to see the vet

 

[Alan]

Dr. Seuss, Tech Writer

Dr. Seuss, Tech Writer

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report...

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless and your system's going to crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM...
Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom.

 

[Nords]

'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

The meter seems off here, but in other versions of this poem I've seen that corrected by the substitution of a 12-letter noun which anyway is probably more appropriate to the circumstances leading to this situation...

 

[Bestwifeever]

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president’s
office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, ‘$165,000′. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, ‘What kind of bets?’

The elderly woman replied, ‘Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.’

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, ‘Would you like to take my bet?’

‘Certainly’, replied the president. ‘I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.’

‘Done’, the elderly woman answered. ‘But given the amount of money involved, if you don’t mind I would like to come back at 10 o’ clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.’ ‘No problem’, said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o’clock the elderly woman arrived at the president’s office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president’s testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. ‘Of course’, said the president. ‘Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.’

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied,
‘Oh, it’s probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o’clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !’

 

[MikeD]

A young woman walked into a bank with a huge bag of quarters that she wanted to deposit. The teller remarked "You sure have hoarded a heck of a lot of quarters!" The young woman exclaimed "How did you know?!?"

 

[Nords]

The teller remarked "You sure have hoarded a heck of a lot of quarters!"

I thought that setup was "Who the heck gave you a quarter?!?"...

 

[calmloki]

I thought that setup was "Who the heck gave you a quarter?!?"...

All of them?

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

"Everyone"

 

[samclem]

"No, my sister whored half of them."