It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

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Alan said:
A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor.
"Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy b*stard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."
Click to expand...

:D
 
I take Ginko Viagra.......so I can remember what the f*** I'm doing.
 
One day Little Johnny's mom was cleaning his room. In the closet, she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was *highly* upsetting to her. She hid the magazine until his father got home. When Little Johnny's father walked in the door, she irately handed the magazine to him, and said, "THIS is what I found in "your" son's closet."
He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.
Several minutes passed, then she finally asked him,
"Well what should we do about this?"
Little Johnny's dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the sixth one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."
Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own business!"

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.
Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.
"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.
"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbors' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "F*** OFF!", the dog ate him!"
 
Okay, this is for a specialized group but:

Ten Signs That You Work In Computer Forensics

1. You can’t search Google or visit a web site without worrying about how it’d look to someone analyzing your machine.


2. You get drunk and Google “normal-looking women with their clothes on” when your wife’s gone to bed.


3. Someone is explaining a scenario to you that’s reaching its end with “and then he asked ‘do you want me to turn on my webcam, so you can see my face?’, and I said ‘OK’, and…” and you spend the next five minutes laughing hysterically then apologizing profusely.


4. None of your friends will lend you their camera memory card.


5. You’ve got the most powerful workstation out of all your geek friends, but you’re the only one who doesn’t game online with it.


6. People you meet at parties are interested when they hear your job title, then move away when you tell them how you actually spend your days.


7. You wake a sleeping computer by pressing the ’shift’ key.


8. You marvel at the tinyness of a 32GB micro SD card, but are secretly thinking that you really need to start considering doing cavity searches on warrants.


9. The salesman is showing you a high-tech washing machine, and you’re wondering how you’d get and analyze the data off it.


10. You know at least one friend of a friend of a friend who always corners you to ask about the best wiping software.
 
I didn't get some of these jokes. Walt, you could start an pretty interesting thread by explaining some of these stranger ones.
 
travelover said:
I didn't get some of these jokes. Walt, you could start an pretty interesting thread by explaining some of these stranger ones.
Click to expand...
Not on a publicly-accessible server!

Just kidding, Walt. No, really. Am I going to have to change my router password now?
 
You've Been Out of College Too Long When..

~ Your potted plants stay alive.

~ 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

~ You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.

~ You carry an umbrella.

~ You watch the Weather Channel.

~ Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.

~ You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

~ Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

~ You're the one calling the police because those kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.

~ You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

~ Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

~ You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.

~ Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.

~ You no longer take naps from noon to 6:00 p.m.

~ Dinner and a movie: The *whole* date instead of the beginning of one.

~ MTV News is no longer your primary source of information.

~ You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

~ Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, Diet Pepsi, and Ho-Ho's.

~ Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
 
Wanted: Gynecologist's Assistant

A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown San Antonio and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.


[FONT=Times New
Roman]Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.[/FONT]

The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.

The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings, MT. That's about 1500 miles from here…"

"Good grief, is that where the job is?"

"No sir. That's where the end of the line is right now."


 
My gal sent me this. hmmm. Whadda i do?









A Lovely Story About Me:
One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who
did not whine, nag or bitch.
(That would be me...)
SafeRedirect.aspx

But that was a long time ago and it was just that one day.
The End​



 
“As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, “at my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true.

“Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, “but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.”
 
Received this e-mail today – I got a chuckle out of it since this is how the non-planners feel!


BULLETIN, BULLETIN, BULLETIN


Dear Citizens,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much **** (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided itself on the amount of **** they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough ****, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the **** you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.






​
 
AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered,
'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are drunks,
not all blondes are dumb,
but all men...are men.

Have a happy St. Pat's Day !!!!!
 
The Aisle Seat

Two radical terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.
Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the terrorist in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a Coke.'

'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left, one of the terrorists picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the Coke, the other terrorist said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.'
Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone, the other terrorist picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it.
When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his neighbors...
'Why does it have to be this way? How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes?'
 
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate down-sizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, some men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.
 
Three little boys were bored to tears on their summer vacation, so their moms gave them each a few dollars to go down to the corner store and buy a new toy. On the way to the store the boys decide not to pool their money, but to see who can buy the best toy.

The first little boy buys balloons. That's a pretty good toy they think, they'll make water balloons.

The second little boy comes out with a kite. Eh, just okay they all think.

The third little boy comes out with a brown paper bag and pulls out a small box of tampons. "What are those?"exclaim the two other boys. "I don't know", says the third little boy, "but the box says if we use them we can go hiking and swimming and horseback riding....."
 
Sherlock Holmes does it again

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are in hot pursuit of a criminal in the narrow, dark, foggy streets of London, and they follow him down an alley that is a dead end with no apparent way out.

"Quick Watson, your pocket knife, if I may", snaps Mr Holmes. Dr Watson duly hands over a pocket knife to Holmes and watches amazed as he first fishes around in his many pockets before producing a lemon which he slices in two. With a half lemon in each hand he proceeds to squeeze and rub them over the wall at the end of the alley and as the juice flows over the bricks, a doorway is revealed. They open the door and rush in to apprehend the villain.

As they march him off to the nearest police station Dr Watson says, "Holmes, that was remarkable, how did you know what to do?". "Lemon entry", replied Holmes.
 
16 Things It Took Me Over 50 Years To Learn​

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By Dave Barry, nationally syndicated columnist​


  1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
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  2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved and will never achieve its full potential, that one word would be "meetings."
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  3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
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  4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
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  5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
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  6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
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  7. Never lick a steak knife!
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  8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
  9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
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  10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
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  11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
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  12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
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  13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
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  14. Your friends love you anyway.
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  15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
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  16. Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
FINAL THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:



There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2030, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
 
There is a rumor being circulated that, sometime in 2010, Wal-Mart will begin offering Customers a new discount item - Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable price, In the $2 - $5 range. Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of Walmart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a definitely market for inexpensive wine," said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at the University of Arkansas.

 "But the right name is important."
 Customer surveys were conducted to determine a good, but logical, name for the proposed Walmart brand of wine.

 The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:

 10. Chateau Traileur Parc
 9. White Trashfindel
 8. Big Red Gulp
 7. World Championship Riesling
 6. NASCARbernet
 5. Chef Boyardeaux
 4. Peanut Noir
 3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar
 2. Grape Expectations
 1. Nasti Spumante

 The beauty of Walmart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).

 P.S. Don't bother writing back that this is a hoax because I know Possum is not a white meat.
 
Think outside the box

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild,
stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see
three people waiting for the bus:


1. An old
lady who looks as if she is about to die.


2. An old
friend who once saved your life.


3. The perfect partner
you have been dreaming about.


Which one
would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that
there could only be one passenger in your car?
Think before you continue reading.


This is a
moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used
as part of a job
application. You could pick up the old lady,
because she is going to
die, and thus you should save her first. Or you
could take the old
friend because he once saved your life, and this
would be the perfect
chance to pay him back. However, you may never be
able to find your perfect mate again.





The
candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants)
had no trouble coming up
with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give
the car keys to my
old friend and let him take the lady to the
hospital. I would stay
behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my
dreams.'


Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our
stubborn thought limitations.


Never forget
to 'Think Outside of the Box.'



HOWEVER....,
A better answer may be to run the old lady over and
put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on
the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.


I just love happy endings!
 
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