TromboneAl
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
- Joined
- Jun 30, 2006
- Messages
- 12,880
It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020
- Thread starter cute fuzzy bunny
- Start date
- Status
hakuna matata
Recycles dryer sheets
Ten Rules for Being Human
by Cherie Carter-Scott
1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it's yours to keep for the entire period.
2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called, "life."
3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial, error, and experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that ultimately "work."
4. Lessons are repeated until they are learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson.
5. Learning lessons does not end. There's no part of life that doesn't contain its lessons. If you're alive, that means there are still lessons to be learned.
6. "There" is no better a place than "here." When your "there" has become a "here", you will simply obtain another "there" that will again look better than "here."
7. Other people are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.
8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.
9. Your answers lie within you. The answers to life's questions lie within you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.
10. You will forget all this.
by Cherie Carter-Scott
1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it's yours to keep for the entire period.
2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called, "life."
3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial, error, and experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that ultimately "work."
4. Lessons are repeated until they are learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson.
5. Learning lessons does not end. There's no part of life that doesn't contain its lessons. If you're alive, that means there are still lessons to be learned.
6. "There" is no better a place than "here." When your "there" has become a "here", you will simply obtain another "there" that will again look better than "here."
7. Other people are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.
8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.
9. Your answers lie within you. The answers to life's questions lie within you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.
10. You will forget all this.
Elderdude
Recycles dryer sheets
In the local newpaper today, there was a blurb about a naked man found wandering in the park. He had a pot belly, a wrinkled ass, and a tiny male organ.
REWahoo, are you ok?
REWahoo, are you ok?
True story:
An acquaintance gave me a small Hammond chord organ to scavenge some electronic parts from. I had fun playing music prior to harvesting the organs parts. One day I overheard my wife say to a phone caller "I don't know if Keim is available. He may still be playing with his little organ." It was demolished shortly after that.
An acquaintance gave me a small Hammond chord organ to scavenge some electronic parts from. I had fun playing music prior to harvesting the organs parts. One day I overheard my wife say to a phone caller "I don't know if Keim is available. He may still be playing with his little organ." It was demolished shortly after that.
bbbamI
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Speaking of hearing loss….
bbbamI had serious hearing problems for a number of years. She went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have her fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed her to hear 100%. bbbamI went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
She replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
bbbamI had serious hearing problems for a number of years. She went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have her fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed her to hear 100%. bbbamI went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
She replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
RonBoyd
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Five surgeons were talking:
The first surgeon, says: "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second surgeon, responds: "Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside of them is color coded."
The third surgeon says: "No - I really think librarians are the best - everything inside of them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know I like construction workers - these guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."
But, the fifth shuts them all up when he observed: "You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine…..and the head and ass are interchangeable."
The first surgeon, says: "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second surgeon, responds: "Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside of them is color coded."
The third surgeon says: "No - I really think librarians are the best - everything inside of them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know I like construction workers - these guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."
But, the fifth shuts them all up when he observed: "You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine…..and the head and ass are interchangeable."
harley
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
harley
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
World's shortest bike lane
I'm not sure if we're supposed to post true stories in this thread or not, but it's amusingly absurd.
Council condemned over 'Britain's shortest cycle lane' - Telegraph
I'm not sure if we're supposed to post true stories in this thread or not, but it's amusingly absurd.
Council condemned over 'Britain's shortest cycle lane' - Telegraph
REWahoo
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give
I thought this one was interesting: Animal hypnotist is Britain's first 'rabbit whisperer' - Telegraph
travelover
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
- Joined
- Mar 31, 2007
- Messages
- 14,328
I used to do something similar to chickens when I was a kid. Maybe I was the first chicken whisperer.
TromboneAl
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
- Joined
- Jun 30, 2006
- Messages
- 12,880
Und ven you vake up, you vill not want to reproduce...
freebird5825
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
<plugs both ears> La la la la la TMI !!!!!I used to do something similar to chickens when I was a kid. Maybe I was the first chicken whisperer.
A woman gives birth to a baby boy that has no torso at all - just a head. But they love him all the same and when he old enough his Dad takes him down the pub for his first drink. He gives him a sip of beer and "poof", out pops his chest. He gives him another sip and "wallop", out pops his arms, so he gives him another sip and "bang" his legs appear.
The boy is so delighted he rushes outside shouting gleefully, but runs right in front of a passing bus, killing him instantly.
The barman shook his head sadly and said, "I knew he should have quit while he was ahead"
The boy is so delighted he rushes outside shouting gleefully, but runs right in front of a passing bus, killing him instantly.
The barman shook his head sadly and said, "I knew he should have quit while he was ahead"
Last edited:
TromboneAl
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
- Joined
- Jun 30, 2006
- Messages
- 12,880
That's actually not a bike lane, its a notice for the cyclists to divert onto a bike path that's to the left of the image.
harley
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
I just re-read the article, and I can't see where they are saying that. I'm not doubting you, since that would actually make sense. Just interesting that they'd leave such aa useful tidbit of information out.
A spokesman talks about a new contraflow lane that intersects at this point It is at the end of the article
.
.
.
I heard about this listening to BBC radio's Friday night's comedy podcast on news events. Lot's of folks sent in the news story to the program.
Man admits having sex with horse and donkey - Crime, UK - The Independent
It is about a man who admitted having sex with a horse at Leicester Crown Court, and the judge refused bail because.....
Man admits having sex with horse and donkey - Crime, UK - The Independent
It is about a man who admitted having sex with a horse at Leicester Crown Court, and the judge refused bail because.....
MikeD
Full time employment: Posting here.
A Religious Dog Joke
A Baptist preacher and his wife decided to get a new dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be a Baptist. They visited kennel after kennel and explained their needs.
Finally, they found a kennel whose owner assured them he had just the dog they wanted.
The owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his wife.. 'Fetch the Bible,' he commanded.
The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the owner.
'Now find Psalm 23,' he commanded. The dog dropped the Bible to the floor, and showing marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed through, and finding the correct passage, pointed to it with his paw.
The pastor and his wife were very impressed and purchased the dog.
That evening, a group of church members cameto visit.
The pastor and his wife began to show off the dog,having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were very impressed.
One man asked, 'Can he do regular dog tricks, too?'
'I haven't tried yet,' the pastor replied.
He pointed his finger at the dog. 'HEEL!' the pastor commanded.
The dog immediately jumped on a chair, placed one paw on the pastor's forehead and began to howl.
The pastor looked at his wife in shock and said, 'Good Lord, he's Pentecostal!
A Baptist preacher and his wife decided to get a new dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be a Baptist. They visited kennel after kennel and explained their needs.
Finally, they found a kennel whose owner assured them he had just the dog they wanted.
The owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his wife.. 'Fetch the Bible,' he commanded.
The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the owner.
'Now find Psalm 23,' he commanded. The dog dropped the Bible to the floor, and showing marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed through, and finding the correct passage, pointed to it with his paw.
The pastor and his wife were very impressed and purchased the dog.
That evening, a group of church members cameto visit.
The pastor and his wife began to show off the dog,having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were very impressed.
One man asked, 'Can he do regular dog tricks, too?'
'I haven't tried yet,' the pastor replied.
He pointed his finger at the dog. 'HEEL!' the pastor commanded.
The dog immediately jumped on a chair, placed one paw on the pastor's forehead and began to howl.
The pastor looked at his wife in shock and said, 'Good Lord, he's Pentecostal!
So you're a senior citizen and the government says no health care for you, what do you do?
Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives.
Of course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, and all the health care you need! New teeth, no problem. Need glasses, great. New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? All covered.
(And your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now)
And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care!
Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.
IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?!!
Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives.
Of course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, and all the health care you need! New teeth, no problem. Need glasses, great. New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? All covered.
(And your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now)
And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care!
Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.
IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?!!
- Status
