It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

[Car-Guy]

 

[Car-Guy]

What's that piece of string tied around your finger for?"
"My wife put it there to remind me to take a letter to the Post Office."
"And did you mail it?"
"No, she forgot to give me the letter."

 

[Car-Guy]

A woman in her 30's was taking her mother, who was in her 50's to the gynecologist. After dropping her mother off, she and her daughter ran a few errands, then returned to the doctor. While the older woman had her feet in the stirrups, the doctor remarked, "Don't we look pretty today", as he performed his examination. The lady was quite shocked, but said nothing.
When her daughter picked her up, she was quite upset. The following conversation ensued:
Mother: Do you know what that doctor said to me? He said, "Don't we look pretty today", while he was looking between my legs! Do you think that was appropriate?
Daughter: No! Are you sure he wasn't referring to your hairstyle or something?
Mother: Well, it still wasn't appropriate or professional. I wonder if it could be considered sexual harassment. What do you think?
Daughter: I don't know. We're you embarrassed?
Mother: I was very embarrassed. I used some of your FDS this morning, and he may have smelled that, but I still don't think he should have commented!
Daughter: I don't have any FDS.
Mother: Why, sure you do! In the blue can that was on back of the toilet. I used some before the appointment...
Granddaughter: That's my Barbie Golden Glitter Hair Spray!

 

[Car-Guy]

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
The colder the x*ray table, the longer you’re required to be on it.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
What happens if you get half scared to death twice?
All those who believe in psycho*kinesis, raise my hand.
Half the people you know are below average.
Everyone has a photographic memory; most just don’t have film.

 

[Car-Guy]

And a few newspaper headlines of note:


Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Stud Tires Out
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

 

[Car-Guy]

Probably a re-post

 

[Car-Guy]

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday, he said “I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs.”
I said “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. “See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…. On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?…. do you understand?!!”
I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull…. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs
“Your badge, show him your BADGE!!”

 

[ArmchairMillionaire23]

Home Owners Association cited a home owner for a visible trashcan.

So the home owner built a privacy fence.

Nice one!

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[Christine]

 

[Car-Guy]

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.
The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"
"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?", asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, they peeled off the labels, threw the empties out of sight & put labels on their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"
"No, sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels. "We're on the patch.

 

[Car-Guy]

One of those days when your wife is mad at everyone

 

[Car-Guy]

Sums it up pretty well....

 

[Car-Guy]

A guy trying desperately to impress his new girlfriend on their first date says:


You know, I just hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart while they’ve probably never even seen one of her paintings.

 

[Car-Guy]

Re-post, maybe....

Kids were in class with a teacher. Teacher asked the students "What does a chicken give you?" One of the students answered, " Eggs". The teacher said, "That's correct". The teacher asked, " What about a pig?" Another student says, "Bacon". That's correct! The teacher says, "Now how about a cow?" Little Johnny in the back yells out, "Home work!"

 

[Car-Guy]

A different spin on an old joke

A noted sex therapist realizes that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters, so he devises a test to tell for certain how often someone has sex.
To prove his theory, he fills up an auditorium with people and goes down the line, asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist is able to guess accurately until he comes to the last man in line, who is grinning from ear to ear.
"Twice a day," the therapist guesses, but is surprised when the man says no.
"Once a day, then?" Again the answer is no.
"Twice a week?"
"No."
"Twice a month?"
"No."
The man finally says yes when the doctor gets to "once a year."
The therapist is angry that his theory isn't working, and asks the man, "What are you so happy about?"
The man answers, "Tonight's the night!"

 

[kevink]

https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/seven-bar-jokes-involving-grammar-and-punctuation?

 

[Jeb-NY]

A Young Man Was About To Propose Marriage To His Girlfriend...

Naturally, he was really nervous and couldn’t think of how to pop the question. One day they were sitting on the couch and suddenly he just blurted out, “I think we should get married!”

“Wait,” his girlfriend said, taken aback, “are you serious?”

“I think I am,” he said.

“You’re proposing to me here on the couch?” she asked.

“Yes, I guess I am,” he said.

“That’s not much of a proposal,” the girlfriend said. “I think you can do better.”

“I thought so, too,” the young man said. “But your sister already said no.”

 

[Jeb-NY]

Senior Citizens Are The Leading Carriers Of AIDS

HEARING AIDS

BAND AIDS

ROLL AIDS

WALKING AIDS

MEDICAL AIDS

GOVERNMENT AIDS

MOST OF ALL,

MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!

 

[Jeb-NY]

I Tried Donating Blood Today. Never Again!!
Too many stupid questions. Whose blood is it? Where did you get it from?? Why is it in a bucket

 

[Car-Guy]

Another oldie but goodie.

A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room.... "Why are you down here at this time of night!?" The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met." She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up. The husband continues, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15," he said solemnly. Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses....... The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?" "I remember that, too" she replied softly... He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today!

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[Car-Guy]

Like father like son..... Deer hunting season is coming up....

 

[Car-Guy]

Peter and his wife started dieting a month ago. Peter’s wife proposed that they have a “cheat day” today as a reward.
Peter’s wife brought home McDonald’s and KFC wings. Peter brought home his secretary.
From his hospital bed, Peter is wondering when men will ever begin to understand women.

 

[Car-Guy]

Another older joke but timely


While walking down the street one day a corrupt Senator was hit by an automobile and tragically died.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...
So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell...
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.
"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil smiles at him and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning, Today, you voted.."