It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

[Car-Guy]

(Yes I know this one is posted everywhere, probably in this thread a few times too, but it' a good one and worth repeating occasionally)


A man flying in a hot air balloon realizes he is lost. He reduces his altitude and spots a man in a field down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, about 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am. How did you know?"
"Everything you told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must be in management."
"I am. But how did you know?"
"You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

 

[Car-Guy]

2020 last ditch effort!

 

[aja8888]

2020 last ditch effort!

This is good, real good!!

 

[WestUniversity]

Thank you Car Guy! I can always count on you for a chuckle or a laugh!

 

[Dtail]

This is good, real good!!

Very very funny.

 

[Car-Guy]

Over several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman while on his routine trips to Italy. One night, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would stay in Italy and secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born and to start sending the money. To keep it discrete, he told her to send a post card and write "Spaghetti order has arrived, need sauce" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.


One day about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife, who told him he had received a strange postcard. Oh just give it to me and I'll explain later, he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, then turned white as a ghost and fainted. On the card was written: "Spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti orders have arrived. 2 with meatballs, 1 without. Please send lots of extra sauce."

 

[Car-Guy]

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we’re afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I’m sorry...we can’t hire you." "But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I’ll stop winking!" "Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking. "Well," said the interviewer, "that’s all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!" "Womanizing? What do you mean? I’m a happily married man!" "Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?""Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, and just asked for aspirin, while winking at the pharmacist?"

 

[pacergal]

Cute!
We have a shar-pei/pit mix--lol

 

[Time2]

Home Owners Association cited a home owner for a visible trashcan.

So the home owner built a privacy fence.

 

[Car-Guy]

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.? I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7:00 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! "
"So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

 

[Car-Guy]

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me”. Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note. After a few minutes, she could see him writing something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone. "She's finally gone...yeah I know, it is about time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like.” He hung up, grabbed his keys, and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears in her eyes. She grabbed the note to see what he wrote."I can see your feet".

 

[Jeb-NY]

A naked woman jumps into a taxi. The taxi driver stares at her, looking her over from top to bottom. The woman is offended and asks the taxi driver "What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The taxi driver responds: "Oh, it's not the fact that you're naked that bothers me."

"Then why are you looking at me that way?"

"Well, ma'am, I'm looking at you and thinking, 'where the hell is this lady keeping the money to pay for this ride?'"

 

[Jeb-NY]

At any given moment:
FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old person is reading emails.
You hang in there, Sunshine. Enjoy your emails !!

 

[aja8888]

At any given moment:
FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old person is reading emails.
You hang in there, Sunshine. Enjoy your emails !!

Ha! Just copied this and sent it off to my OLD buddies!

 

[Car-Guy]

An older married couple are in church one Sunday when the woman turns to her husband and whispers, “I’ve just passed a lot of gas but it was done very silently. What should I do?” The husband turned to her and says, “Replace the battery in your hearing aid.”

 

[Car-Guy]

A wife sent her husband a romantic text message while he was on a business trip…She wrote: “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.” Her husband texted back: “I’m on the toilet, please advise.”

 

[Car-Guy]

Out of almost 25 older Not Safe For Work jokes I ran across recently these are the only two that I think I can post here....


Q: What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

A: Beat it. We’re closed.



Q: What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

A: One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

 

[Nemo2]

Stolen from elsewhere:

A mummy was found. The archaeologists could not determine the name of the mummified Egyptian noble.

Eventually Soviet archaeologists were asked for help. They took the mummy and within couple of days came the identification.

“His name was Rameses 13th.”

“How do you know?”

“He confessed.”

 

[Car-Guy]

The Department of Health is looking to hire couples who have been married for 10 years or more in order to help educate younger people on effective social distancing practices.

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[Car-Guy]

Not the best pick up line


Three girls walked up to me and explained that they were scared to walk past the cemetery at night.
So I agreed to let them walk along with me.
As we walked along, I whispered to them, “I understand your concerns, I used to get freaked out too walking past the cemetery at night, when I was alive.”

 

[Car-Guy]

I never liked pumpkin pies anyway

 

[Time2]

I just saw a video of Mick Jagger and Keith Richards run around the stage for over two hours. both are 77 years old.
Thank God for, unprotected sex, alcohol, and drugs.

If it wasn't for unprotected sex, alcohol, and drugs, we'd have to watch rock and rollers bouncing on stage, still playing at 102 years old!
Here's the video, sorry no audio, but Mick bounced for over two hours. Music does start at 2:04:06

 

[Car-Guy]

Playing golf with his buddies, my grandfather had to make a 25-foot putt.
As he lined it up, he announced, "I have a dollar bill that says I can make this putt. Does anyone want to bet that I don't?"
His three friends eagerly agreed to the wager.
My grandfather missed the putt by ten feet, and his friends gathered around to collect their money.
Granddad pulled out a dollar bill on which he had written, "I can make this putt."
His pals are still trying to collect on the bet, and grandpa is too.

 

[Chuckanut]

What does Quantum Duck say to Mighty Mouse after they have saved the day?

Quark, Quark.