It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

[Amethyst]

It's funny because even non-swearers (like me) can empathize with how awful anybody, even holy people, would feel about such a missed putt. And notice the Mother Superior was careful not to take the Lord's name in vain

That makes sense. There's just something about that joke, especially hearing it out loud instead of reading it, having the Mother Superior interrogating the nun in a stern, disapproving way because of the swearing, then finishing with "Aww, you missed the f***ing putt, didn't you!?!" that really makes it funny.

.

 

[Car-Guy]

Must be a blonde

A teenage girl stormed into her home
and said, "I never want to see that guy again!"
Her parents were confused and asked why she was so angry.
The girl said, "We had a big fight, and he called me the e-word!", then ran to her room in tears.
The parents looked at each other, confused.
"What insult starts with an "e"? They wondered.
So they called their daughter back and asked,
"Honey, we don't understand. What did he call
you that starts with an 'e'?"
The daughter replied, "He called me an idiot!"

 

[RunningBum]

A woman asks a blonde guy, "Who are the dumbest people in the world?"

Blonde guy shakes his head, "I don't know, who?"

Woman: "You and your brother!"

Well, the blonde guy doesn't take this well at all, and demands she take it back.

The woman says "Hey, it's just a joke. You can play it on someone else!"

Blonde guy is appeased by this, and seeks out another guy, and asks him "Who are the dumbest people in the world?"

The guy shakes his head, says he doesn't know.

Blonde guy, smiling widely as he delivers the punchline to his new joke, "Me and my brother!"

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[braumeister]

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[Car-Guy]

I like this one!

A New York attorney, representing a very wealthy art collector, called and asked to speak to his client.
"Paul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between $15 and $20 million; and, I think she could be right."
Paul replied enthusiastically, "Holy cow !! Well done !! My wife is a brilliant business woman, isn't she? You've just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary.”

 

[aja8888]

I like this one!

A New York attorney, representing a very wealthy art collector, called and asked to speak to his client.
"Paul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between $15 and $20 million; and, I think she could be right."
Paul replied enthusiastically, "Holy cow !! Well done !! My wife is a brilliant business woman, isn't she? You've just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary.”

I passed this along to my lawyer friends.

 

[Boho]

I made this cartoon. I got lazy drawing the bowling alley and the donut was half copied. I posted this elsewhere and three out of the three comments I got were from people who didn't get it. I think it helps to be older and to know the racial context of "one of the good ones."

 

[REWahoo]

Don't quit your day job.

 

[RunningBum]

Don't quit your day job.

+1

 

[Sunset]

I made this cartoon. I got lazy drawing the bowling alley and the donut was half copied. I posted this elsewhere and three out of the three comments I got were from people who didn't get it. I think it helps to be older and to know the racial context of "one of the good ones."

No idea.
However, I know if you have to explain a joke, it fails.

 

[Time2]

Here's a joke I came up with 20 years ago.My telling.
When my grandmother was 24 yrs old got a tatoo of a small rose on her breast. Now that she is 84, it has grown into a beautiful longed stem rose.


I found an internet site with a usable picture, my apology to the artist.
Click to enlarge.

 

[Boho]

I'm not one to name drop, but Rico A Comic liked my cartoon. I'm sorry but it's true.

 

[Sunset]

I'm not one to name drop, but Rico A Comic liked my cartoon. I'm sorry but it's true.

No Worries.
Don't worry if many folks here say they didn't get the joke, maybe the ones who did are still laughing too hard to type.

After all you may actually be too much of a genius.
Albert Einstein applied to the Federal Institute of Technology (FIT) in Zurich, Switzerland, and he failed the entrance examination.

https://www.notablebiographies.com/...is bad attitude was affecting his classmates.

 

[Car-Guy]

Sounds dangerous to me.


My son kept chewing on electrical chords, so I grounded him...
He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

 

[Car-Guy]

One more on the boarder line for this board. (probably been posted before so it should be ok.)

Teacher asks her class, "If there are 14 crows on a fence and you shoot 2 off, how many are left ?"
One little boy says, "None, the shotgun scared them all away." The teacher says, "That's not the answer I was looking for, but I like the way you're thinking."
Boy says to his teacher, "I have a question for you." "There's 3 women eating ice cream cones. One is licking, one is sucking, one is biting. Which one is married?" Teacher answers (slightly embarrassed), "I imagine it's the one sucking." The boy says, "No, it's the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you're thinking !"

 

[Car-Guy]

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation.
One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"
A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder.
After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. The NASA PR people brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message.
Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. His translation of the old man's message was: "Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land."

 

[Car-Guy]

An oldie but goody


Three couples are trying to get married at the same church. There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married.

"If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," says the priest.

One month later the three couples return to the church and talk to the priest. He then asks the elderly couple, "Have you completed the month with sex?"

"Yes we have, it was easy," replies the elderly couple.

"How about you?" He asks the middle-aged couple.

"It was hard, but we didn't have sex for the whole month," they respond.

"And how about you two?" He asks the young couple.

"No we couldn't do it," responds the boyfriend.

"Tell me why," says the priest.

"Well my girlfriend had a can of corn in her hand and she accidentally dropped it. She bent over to pick it up and that's when it happened."

The priest then tells them, "You're not welcome in my church."

"Well, we're not welcome in the supermarket either," says the boyfriend.

 

[Car-Guy]

In World War I there was trench warfare, and neither the Americans nor the Germans could get the upper hand. They were reaching a stalemate. One day, an American came up with a plan that would win them the war. This private explained his plan to his trench mates, and they figured, "Why not? It's not like we have any better ideas." The next day, an American soldier called out, "Hans!?" A German popped up and shouted back, "Ja?!" Boom, the German was shot dead. The next day the Americans shouted again, "Hans?!" "Ja?!" Shot dead. This process continued over the next couple of days. The Germans were losing large numbers, and were now finally catching on.
The Germans had an emergency meeting. They thought they could come back from the heavy losses using the same tactics as the Americans. Thus, a German asked, "What is a popular American name?" "John!" replied another. The next day, the Germans decided to execute their plan. A German shouted, "John!?" An American called back, "Is that you Hans?!" "Ja!" And that is how the Americans won WWI

 

[Car-Guy]

Groaner for the day


A women has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan.
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.
He responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

 

[Car-Guy]

Some old folks one liners

Why Do Old People Smile All The Time?

Because they can't hear a word you're saying!

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What's The Worst Part About Being Grandpa?

Sleeping with grandma

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What's The Best Thing About Being 103 Years Old?

No more peer pressure

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What Do Old People And Hockey Players Have In Common?

Neither of them have their own teeth.

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What Do You Call Your Grandma On Speed Dial?

Instagram

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Why Don't Old People Eat Health Food?

They need all the preservatives they can get.

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What's An Old Person's Favorite Song?

Anything on the Weather Channel.

 

[RunningBum]

...

The priest then tells them, "You're not welcome in my church."

"Well, we're not welcome in the supermarket either," says the boyfriend.

I've heard that one before but I still laughed out loud at the punchline!

 

[Car-Guy]

"I" never heard this one... Pretty good....



Grandma and Grandpa were visiting the kids overnight, when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet. He asked the son about using one of the pills, and the son said, "I don't think you should take one; they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?", asked Grandpa.
"$20.00 a pill", answered the son.
"I don't care", said Grandpa, "I'd like to try one, and I'll leave the money under your pillow."
The next morning the son found $120.00 under his pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $20.00, not $120.00."
"I know," said Grandpa, "The extra $100.00 is from Grandma.

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[Car-Guy]

A man went to see a lawyer and told him this, "I need to sue my neighbor for the $500 he owes me and will not pay." The lawyer wanted to know what proof the man had that the neighbor owes this money. The man said "No proof." The lawyer told him to write a demand letter for $5000. The man stated "But he only owes me $500". The lawyer stated " The neighbor will reply that way, "and claim that he only owes $500! The lawyer stated, "Then you will have your proof."