It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

[O2Bfree]

After all you may actually be too much of a genius.
Albert Einstein applied to the Federal Institute of Technology (FIT) in Zurich, Switzerland, and he failed the entrance examination.

I often wonder how many geniuses the world has missed out on. Hitler may have been an artistic genius, but he failed the entrance exam to get into the Academy of Fine Arts Vienna.

 

[Car-Guy]

So true

 

[travelover]

So true

Whoa! When did Africa get so big?

 

[harley]

This isn't a joke, but it made me laugh. Best headline of the year.

https://www.nzherald.co.nz/world/es...-belgian-cemetery/YZDGK4GTJKKML7Y76OELOTHGPA/

 

[Out-to-Lunch]

Whoa! When did Africa get so big?

Roughly 65 million years ago, when Gondwandaland broke up. Africa is BIG. The usual Mercator projection minimizes its apparent size, because it straddles the equator.

Cf.:

 

[Car-Guy]

A woman wakes up in bed from a dream and tells her husband, "I just had a dream that you gave me a diamond necklace, what does that mean?" The man replied, "Wait till tonight and we will see." The husband came back that night with a wrapped box in his hands. The wife took it ripped the wrapping off and opened the box,.....Just to find in it a book titled "How to Interpret Dreams"!

Well he thought is was pretty funny....

 

[Car-Guy]

A young man saw and elderly couple eating lunch at McDonald's. They ordered 1 meal with an extra cup for their drink. After carefully dividing the burger in half, they counted out half the fries into two small stacks, and then poured half the drink in the empty cup. Placing half of the meal in front of his wife, the man sat down & started to eat his half.

The young man went over and offered to buy them another meal so they each could have one. The old man said, "oh no, we've been married for 50 years, and everything has always been shared 50/50." The young man asked the woman if she was going to eat. She replied, "no not just yet" since this time it's his turn to use the teeth first.

 

[Nemo2]

 

[Car-Guy]

A man and wife were in a bar one night and the lady said to the man, "Look at that guy over there, he's drunk and hitting on every woman in the bar." The man looked and stated, "But you know him, right?" She stated "Yes, about 5 years ago I used to date him" The man then said, wow, "5 years ago and the man is still celebrating!"

 

[Nemo2]

Received by e-mail:

COVID-19 Items & Quotes XVI



The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house, and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!



You think it’s bad now? In 20 years our country will be run by people homeschooled by day drinkers.



Since we can’t eat out, now’s the perfect time to eat better, get fit, and stay healthy. We’re quarantined!

Whom are we kidding? We have snacks, we have sweatpants – I say we use them!



Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands



Can everyone please just follow the government instructions so we can knock out this coronavirus and be done?! I feel like a kindergartner who keeps losing more recess time because one or two kids can’t follow directions.



Here's an idea: First, test the Covid vaccine on politicians. If they survive, the vaccine is safe. If they don't, the country is safe!



Masks are the new bra. They’re uncomfortable. You only wear them in public. And when you don’t wear one, everyone notices



I got pulled over in the HOV lane for driving alone. I said that due to social distancing, my passenger was in the car behind me



What pets think about quarantine.

Dogs: He loves me so much, he quit his job to be with me

Cats: I knew that that idiot would get fired one day.



Ships don’t sink because of the water around them. Ships sink because of the water that gets inside of them. Moral of the story, don’t let what’s happening around you get inside of you and weigh you down.



Woman in a store: “You’re supposed to be wearing a mask”

Man: “I’m supposed to be wearing underwear too, yet here we are.



Me: Alexa, what’s the weather going to be this weekend?

Alexa: Why? Where do you think you’re going?



And in the end man used so much toilet paper, they wiped themselves out



Had I known in March it would be the last time I would be in a restaurant, I would have ordered the dessert



To the new mother: “Who is the father”

New mother: “Don’t know. He wore a mask.”



My cat just came home with 24 bags of kitty litter. Time to stop this nonsense.



If you want to save money at Christmas, now’s the perfect time to tell the kids that Santa didn’t make it through the pandemic.



So for season 2 - I mean the second wave. Can we switch quarantine partners, or are we stuck with the same ones from season 1.



Breaking news: swimming pools are reopened, but to the continued social distancing regulations, there will be no water in lanes 1, 3 and 5.



Newsflash: Sticking your tongue on an outdoor bug zapper will cure the virus. Yep, I read it on the internet.



Good morning inmates. Anyone know how much vodka goes in scrambled eggs?

 

[Lewis Clark]

Ships don’t sink because of the water around them. Ships sink because of the water that gets inside of them. Moral of the story, don’t let what’s happening around you get inside of you and weigh you down.

I know this is the funny joke thread, but this quote is a really good philosophy to follow.

 

[frayne]

MOM'S BIBLE.


Four brothers all became successful business men and lawyers and lived across the country from each other.


They met to discuss the 95th birthday party and gifts they were to give their elderly mother.


The first said, "You know I have had a big house built for Mom."

The second said, "And I had a large theatre room built into that house."

The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mom loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this Minister who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten Ministers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mom only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration Mom sent out her "Thank You" notes.

She wrote: "Michael, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thank you anyway."

"Mervin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thank you."

"Mark, you gave me an expensive theatre with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."


"Dearest Mitchell, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The Cornish hen was delicious. Thank you so much."

Love, Mom

 

[mickeyd]

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.

I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times............'

 

[Car-Guy]

A man went to a bar and ordered a drink, he drank it down and looked in his pocket, then ordered another drink. After seeing him do this several times the bartender had enough and asked what he was doing. The man said "Everytime I take a drink, I look at a picture of my wife that I have in my pocket. When she gets to be looking good, I'll go home."

Make the next one a double...

 

[Car-Guy]

I like older cars but this is going back a bit to far for me....

 

[Nemo2]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists
found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the
conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more
than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed an
American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly
thereafter, a story was published in the New York Times: "American
archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have
concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech
communications network 50 years earlier than the British".

One week later, a member of Newfoundland's Dept. of Mines and
Resources reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in
Corner Brook, Newfoundland - Jack Lucknow, a self-taught
archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Jack has
therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Canada had already gone
wireless."

Just makes you pretty darn proud to be Canadian, don't it!

 

[harley]

Q: What do you get when you pick a pig's nose?



A: Hamboogers

 

[Car-Guy]

David had been extremely anxious for years. It got to the point where his compulsive worrying was ruining his life, so he went to a psychiatrist, who recommended that David hire a professional worrier.
After he'd been working with the specialist for a few months, David's friend John noticed a change. "What happened?" John asked. "You don't worry about anything anymore."
"I hired a professional worrier!" David answered.
"That must cost a fortune," John said.
"Yes, he charges $3,000 a month," David said sheepishly.
"Three thousand dollars! How can you ever afford to pay him?" John exclaimed.
"I don't know," David said. "That's his problem."

 

[Car-Guy]

Lot's of people might believe this in 2020

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[Car-Guy]

I seen several different versions of this one... Some are pretty long.. Funny every time I see it.


A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding but the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph.

The man eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.

The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go." -

The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "Last year my wife ran away with a cop. I thought you might be that officer are were trying to bring her back."


No ticket!

 

[Car-Guy]

The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law furious and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened ?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened he said!!
I'll tell you what happened. I sent an e-mail to my wife telling her I was coming home early today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found ?
Yes, your daughter, my Jean, with a some guy in our bed! This is unforgivable, it's the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Calm down, calm down!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"I told you there must be a simple explanation .....she just didn't get your email”

 

[Car-Guy]

ELECTION DAY JOKE:


It’s important to look closely at lawn signs during election campaigns.
Last time I voted for a real estate agent.

 

[Chuckanut]

Why did the double agent cross the road?

He was never on your side anyway.

 

[Car-Guy]

Another election day joke.



No comment! (Although I can think of several)