Making marriage last

[Martha]

I have some friends going through a tough time in their marriage and are separating after 20 years together.  One spouse is depressed, has lost interest in their marriage, and is moving out.  The other is surprised and heart broken.  A divorce is going to be financially devastating for them.  Since the two live close to cheaply as one, dividing assets 50-50 effectively means each are losing half their assets. 

So, from the Association of Matrimonial Lawyers:

Not all marriages fail for the same reason. Nor is there usually one reason for the breakdown of a particular marriage. Nevertheless, we hear some reasons more often than others.

They are:

Poor communication
Financial problems
A lack of commitment to the marriage
A dramatic change in priorities
Infidelity

There are other causes we see a lot, but not quite as often as those listed above
They are:

Failed expectations or unmet needs
Addictions and substance abuse
Physical, sexual or emotional abuse
Lack of conflict resolution skills


http://www.aaml.org/files/public/Making_Marriage_Last.htm

Do a marital "checkup" and check to be sure you are OK.

 

[wabmester]

Lack of conflict resolution skills

My DW never tells me that there's a conflict. I'm supposed to know. And I'm not supposed to fix it, just empathize. I think....

Uh oh. I'm in trouble.

 

[Martha]

http://www.census.gov/prod/2005pubs/p70-97.pdf

Interesting census report on marriage and divorce.

 

[REWahoo]

DW and I are only a few weeks shy of being married for 38 years. Looking at Martha's list of reasons marriages fail, one really stands out to me as key:

Lack of conflict resolution skills

Every successful marriage includes a husband who knows how to duck.

 

[Martha]

DW and I are only a few weeks shy of being married for 38 years.  Looking at Martha's list of reasons marriages fail, one really stands out to me as key:

Every successful marriage includes a husband who knows how to duck.

Well, the author did say:

Don’t lose your sense of humor; have fun with your spouse

 

[laurence]

DW and I talk about the marriage every day. I think some business books talk about working "on the business" as well as working "in the business". You have to talk out the marraige at a forest level often. Respect is key, too. I know people who speak negatively about their spouse when they are not around, and I wonder what kind of stress that puts on the marriage.

But hey, we'll only have been married 7 years in October, so what do I know?

 

[Zipper]

1969 was a very good year.

I was 25 and she was 20.

It seems like yesterday.

 

[shiny]

I think DH and I have a great marriage, but I do worry about what will happen when he is not working and we are together a lot more. We may have to move to a bigger place to get away from each other some.

 

[haha]

But hey, we'll only have been married 7 years in October, so what do I know? 

Be careful in November- don't forget the 7 year itch. Oh yeah, don't invite that cousin or whoever she was over anymore. And steer clear of Jaegermeister. And....



Actually, L. you are so sweet and your wife is so cute, all will be well for you guys.

Ha

 

[Scrooge]

Every successful marriage includes a husband who knows how to duck.

Ah, so that's why married men live longer -- it's all that exercise!  

 

[samclem]

Lack of conflict resolution skills

' . . . In a family argument, if it turns out you are right–apologize at once!"

Robert A. Heinlein, Time Enough for Love.

 

[SteveR]

I know a guy that loved marrige so much he had 7 of them; two to the same woman and one to his mother in law. He used to have the names of all his wives printed on his tie.

 

[laurence]

His mother in law? Now that's sick!

Ha, I forgot about that 7 year itch! We'll see if she gets it, I'm too busy at this point to bother. Between trying to get into a Master's program, training for a tri, and dealing with curveballs at work, it's not a matter of willpower but opportunity!

 

[Eagle43]

Strange this thread should come up.  Last week, I heard on a talk show emphasize that the one thing that will kill a marriage is one partner loses respect for the other.  The marriage can survive all the other problems, but not that one.

Well, anyway, we've been at it 41 years. I've been married longer than I was unmarried. I cannot imagine sitting on the barstool, talking to this young lady, and she says, "My name is Martha, I'm an Aquarius, what are you?" What would I do? What would I say?    8)

 

[REWahoo]

I cannot imagine sitting on the barstool, talking to this young lady, and she says, "My name is Martha, I'm an Aquarius, what are you?" What would I do? What would I say?

How about..."Asparagus? You look more like a tomato to me." (Where's Groucho?)

 

[unclemick]

Why I'm a cheap old ER phart whose SO passed away - can I buy you a drink.

After 29 years - in truth - I haven't a clue.

heh heh heh heh heh

 

[Martha]

I read an article some time ago about couples who were in counseling and which ones ended up divorced. Eye rolling when the other spouse talked had the greatest correlation with divorce.

 

[d]

secret to a good marriage is but two words: "yes, dear".

 

[wabmester]

:

(click the icon)

Edit:

Sneer. In the sneer, buccinator muscles (innervated by lower buccal branches of the facial nerve) contract to draw the lip corners sideward to produce a sneering "dimple" in the cheeks (the sneer may also be accompanied by a scornful, upward eye-roll). From videotape studies of nearly 700 married couples in sessions discussing their emotional relationships with each other, University of Washington psychologist, John Gottman has found the sneer expression (even fleeting episodes of the cue) to be a "potent signal" for predicting the likelihood of future marital disintegration (Bates and Cleese 2001). In this regard, the sneer may be decoded as an unconscious sign of contempt.

NPR audio on the topic

 

[SteveR]

I read an article some time ago about couples who were in counseling and which ones ended up divorced.  Eye rolling when the other spouse talked had the greatest correlation with divorce. 

Boy that one rings a bell! Ex wife was an eye roller for sure. Tried to do it behind my back sometimes...she fogot about reflections off shiny surfaces...just like a mirror. Did it in front of the kids..that was one I could not stand. We did the counceling route for over a year. One has to want to change before change will happen. She did not wish to change so the marriage ended.

As for dating again after being married for a while....it is truly a Brave New World and one that takes some time to deal with. Condoms, dental dams, and a hundred other things I never even thought of for 30 years. I was lucky I found a good one as soon as I did. I cannot imagine dating for years and dealing with all the issues and attitudes one sees today that were never an issue in my younger days.

Mutual respect and a shared dream of your future are both key to a good marriage in my opinion.

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

I cannot imagine sitting on the barstool, talking to this young lady, and she says, "My name is Martha, I'm an Aquarius, what are you?" What would I do? What would I say? 8)

"I'm fascinated. Tell me more about you!".

Then just sit and wait 30-45 minutes nodding and smiling and looking as interested as possible. Try to stay awake.

Rinse and repeat.

 

[lazygood4nothinbum]

society lets you people marry?

 

[PsyopRanger]

I may not be qualified to answer this with my mere 9 years of marriage but I have learned a lot and watched 90% of my friends co-workers go through divorce.

An effort on both sides to make the marriage the best it can be

I believe honesty in everything, including communication

Real communication – emotions good and bad, dreams and goals

Keeping the “dating fever” the excitement of when you were dating into the marriage, weekly dates, surprise flowers for no reason, phone calls, love notes, etc.

Read “The 5 Love Languages” and other marriage books once every 6 months.

Read one of Dr. James Dobson’s books yearly.

Attend a marriage seminar yearly whether you need it or not.

Keep the passion alive (weekly)

For men, an active role in being a husband and father. Being a role model to other men and your children.

Strong Christian/Faith Ties

Always talk highly of your spouse, don’t involve yourself in petty jokes or belittling your spouse.

Seek advice from someone who has a good marriage, not someone twice divorced.

Most of all, remember why you fell in love with your spouse and keep that image in your heart always.

 

[haha]

Keep the passion alive (weekly)

Sorry to say this amigo, but if it is weekly, it is getting long in the tooth.

Ha

 

[kcowan]

Good list PR. I would make a couple of additions:

I may not be qualified to answer this with my mere 9 years of marriage but I have learned a lot and watched 90% of my friends co-workers go through divorce.

An effort on both sides to make the marriage the best it can be

I believe honesty in everything, including communication, but be sympathetic.

Real communication – emotions good and bad, dreams and goals

Keeping the “dating fever” the excitement of when you were dating into the marriage, weekly dates, surprise flowers for no reason, phone calls, love notes, etc.

Read “The 5 Love Languages” and other marriage books once every 6 months.

Read one of Dr. James Dobson’s books yearly.

Attend a marriage seminar yearly whether you need it or not.

Keep the passion alive (as often as needed by mutual agreement)

For men, an active role in being a husband and father.  Being a role model to other men and your children.

For women, an active interest in the husband's vocation/hobbies. And respect his views about child-rearing.

Strong Christian/Faith Ties if it works for both parties.

Always talk highly of your spouse, don’t involve yourself in petty jokes or belittling your spouse.

Seek advice from someone who has a good marriage, not someone twice divorced.

Most of all, remember why you fell in love with your spouse and keep that image in your heart always.

Never go to bed angry.

I have highlighted my changes in bold