Making marriage last

[PsyopRanger]

Sorry to say this amigo, but if it is weekly, it is getting long in the tooth.

Ha

I thought I would be encouraging to the Viagra crowd.

 

[rs0460a]

I may not be qualified to answer this with my mere 9 years of marriage but I have learned a lot and watched 90% of my friends co-workers go through divorce.

Well Ranger, for me (and DW, married 37 years this September), remember that he/she should be your "best friend" -- The one that you share your life with, above all others...

- Ron

 

[shiny]

Read one of Dr. James Dobson’s books yearly.

Yes, our strong mutual disgust for this guy will surely help keep us together!

 

[haha]

Yes, our strong mutual disgust for this guy will surely help keep us together!   

LMAO!!!

I am hopelessly cynical; guys like him make me nauseated.

But here is one for you- what happens if one member of a couple formerly united in humorous detachment from all that bullshit suddenly gets religion?

Take it from ol' Mikey, it can happen. 

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

Sorry to say this amigo, but if it is weekly, it is getting long in the tooth.

I thought he said "weakly".

 

[PsyopRanger]

Well Ranger, for me (and DW, married 37 years this September), remember that he/she should be your "best friend" -- The one that you share your life with, above all others...

- Ron

I second that, good point Ron.

 

[PsyopRanger]

LMAO!!!

I am hopelessly cynical; guys like him make me nauseated.

But here is one for you- what happens if one member of a couple formerly united in humorous detachment from all that bull**** suddenly gets religion?

Take it from ol' Mikey, it can happen.

Sorry, let my faith out

I had the opposite happen, I was a believer. Then got into Scientology and God is Man-made, religion is a tool for control type stuff and it alienated me from my spouse who was a Christian. After many mistakes, set backs and failures during this time, I came back to Christianity and finally settled as a Christian but non-denominational and not religious but belief in a relationship with God without all the rules and dogma.

Oh yeah…no politics or relgion 8)

 

[haha]

Sorry, let my faith out

I had the opposite happen, I was a believer. Then got into Scientology and God is Man-made, religion is a tool for control type stuff and it alienated me from my spouse who was a Christian.   After many mistakes, set backs and failures during this time, I came back to Christianity and finally settled as a Christian but non-denominational and not religious but belief in a relationship with God without all the rules and dogma. 

Oh yeah…no politics or relgion 8)

I absolutely respect your religion and faith. I wish I had it. I think is some ways it might be a genetic thing- some people can believe, others have more difficulty.

Ha

 

[HFWR]

I couldn't/didn't make either marriage last, but the second WAS my last...

Is this another "rent v. buy" thread?

 

[unclemick]

Where does a 29 year one night stand fit in this discussion?

heh heh heh heh

 

[Scrooge]

Where does a 29 year one night stand fit in this discussion?

Is that Earth years? 

 

[unclemick]

New Orleans.

heh heh heh

 

[VoyT]

For women, an active interest in the husband's vocation/hobbies. And respect his views about child-rearing.

Seems to me that should be something both parties should strive to do.

 

[ladelfina]

Read one of Dr. James Dobson’s books yearly.

Psyop, you had some good points, but lost me here.
That Dobson is one scary fellow.

A recent article:

Once, as Dobson writes in The New Strong-Willed Child, Jimbo [Dobson himself] provoked a fight between a pug bulldog and a “sweet, passive Scottie named Baby” by throwing a tennis ball toward Baby: “The bulldog went straight for Baby’s throat and hung on. It was an awful scene. Neighbors came running from everywhere as the Scottie screamed in terror. It took ten minutes and a garden hose for the adults to pry loose the bulldog’s grip. By then Baby was almost dead. He spent two weeks in the animal hospital, and I spent two weeks in the doghouse. I was hated by the entire town.”

...

A fifth member of [Dobson's] household, a stubborn little dachshund named Sigmund Freud, added to the chaos. When “Siggie” refused to go to bed one night, Dobson got out a belt and whacked him. The dog bared its teeth and Dobson gave it a second whack. “What developed next is impossible to describe,” writes Dobson in The New Strong-Willed Child. “That tiny dog and I had the most vicious fight ever staged between man and beast. I fought him up one wall and down the other, with both of us scratching and clawing and growling. I am still embarrassed by the memory of the entire scene.”

http://www.5280.com/issues/2006/0607/feature.php?pageID=400


What is it with these right-wing "doctors" and their sick abuse of animals? (Bill Frist)


JD also apparently believes homosexuality can be "cured".

Obviously Dobson's advice did not help his own family: his son is already on his second marriage at the age of 35. Despite the fact that, in the Bible, Jesus is recounted as saying: ""Whoever divorces his wife and marries another, commits adultery against her; and if she divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery.", Ryan Dobson has no shame in writing his own book entitled "Be Intolerant".    ("Ryan Dobson presents the case for absolutes based on the Word of God..."  family.org)  Ha!

Sure, we should not "throw stones" at Dobson and his son... but neither should they set themselves up as moral arbiters (and legislators!) for the nation.

The article above describes some of the tenets of the Nazarene church Dobson grew up in, of which a curious one is that of "entire sanctification."

Nazarenes believe that after a person has had an initial born-again experience, the Holy Spirit will seek to perform a second work of grace called “entire sanctification” or “baptism with the Holy Spirit,” which purges all sin. Gil Alexander-Moegerle, a former Focus executive and once one of Dobson’s most trusted advisors, writes in his 1997 book James Dobson’s War on America that this “Holiness” principle is key to understanding Dobson’s worldview: “James Dobson believes that he has been entirely sanctified, morally perfected, that he does not and cannot sin. Now you know why he and moralists like him make a life of condemning what he believes to be the sins of others. He is perfect.”

Just can't get that image out of my head of a guy 6'2" beating the s**t out of a daschund. Hey, well, ya know.. "spare the rod, spoil the daschund."

And then he's gonna write a book about 'self-esteem'? Way to go, Jimbo.

 

[johnlw]

After being married for about 8 years, I came home one day from work and my wife says to me: "I've decided to become Catholic"... 

There are classes that adults can take (RCIA) to become Catholic. I attended the classes with her just because I was curious about it. At the end, she became a Catholic and I didn't (I had no intention, I'm not religious).

Our daughters have attended Catholic Schools their entire lives (The older one decided to not confirm and does not consider herself Catholic. The younger one does consider herself Catholic and will confirm next year.) Occasionally, I will attend Mass when my youngest daughter is singing, she's the Cantor and lead chorister for the children's Choir.

There have been some pretty funny moments caused from the mixtures in faith (or lack thereof). About  a year ago,my younger daughter was scheduled to sing at a special song and bible reading at the church. The director of the choir asked my wife if she would do a reading. My wife, who has no desire to speak in front of a crowd, asked her if it was OK for our oldest daughter to do the reading, she said sure, that was fine. So, when my oldest daughter finds out about this she says: "I'm not doing it... I don't want so speak in front of a crowd either". So, non-religious Dad stepped into the breach and did the reading. Afterward, one of the regular "Old church ladies" came up to me and said: "You did a wonderful job, you speak with a lot of authority".

Married 24 years and still going strong.

 

[PsyopRanger]

I guess everyone’s views will vary; I like his approach as I favor a more right wing faith based approach to marriage, while this works for me and my wife, others will not like it and want a more left/balanced approach.

For this I recommend:

Settle For More by Tom Merrill, Bobbie Sandoz-Merrill
And
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Gottman

My wife and I did Gottman’s seminar when we lived in Seattle in 2002, he and his wife were nice people and it really helped communication issues.

I believe marriage is like people, everyone has its uniqueness and differences. You cannot generalize or clump them into groups.

 

[PsyopRanger]

After being married for about 8 years, I came home one day from work and my wife says to me: "I've decided to become Catholic"... 

There are classes that adults can take (RCIA) to become Catholic. I attended the classes with her just because I was curious about it. At the end, she became a Catholic and I didn't (I had no intention, I'm not religious).

Our daughters have attended Catholic Schools their entire lives (The older one decided to not confirm and does not consider herself Catholic. The younger one does consider herself Catholic and will confirm next year.) Occasionally, I will attend Mass when my youngest daughter is singing, she's the Cantor and lead chorister for the children's Choir.

There have been some pretty funny moments caused from the mixtures in faith (or lack thereof). About  a year ago,my younger daughter was scheduled to sing at a special song and bible reading at the church. The director of the choir asked my wife if she would do a reading. My wife, who has no desire to speak in front of a crowd, asked her if it was OK for our oldest daughter to do the reading, she said sure, that was fine. So, when my oldest daughter finds out about this she says: "I'm not doing it... I don't want so speak in front of a crowd either". So, non-religious Dad stepped into the breach and did the reading. Afterward, one of the regular "Old church ladies" came up to me and said: "You did a wonderful job, you speak with a lot of authority".

Married 24 years and still going strong.

I was raised Lutheran, went to a Catholic school and now speak Arabic and work with Muslims. I beleive in faith, not relegion.

I feel that if someone looks at the Bible/Torah/Qu'ran and focuses on the aspects to make yourself a better person, be kind and help others, don't lie, cheat, and steal, etc. It will make you a better person.

Misinterpretation of these values by relegions is the problem.

You can look at any book, fatih or ideology and find flaws and negative points. I focus on enhancing/living the good and disregarding/avoiding the bad.

 

[brewer12345]

I cannot fathom how anyone with more than a room temperature IQ doesn't see that Dobson is a gasbag piece of **** spewing hatred and filth everywhere he goes.

"Some people bring happiness wherever they go. Others when they go..."

- Oscar Wilde

As for the religion thing in marriage, I think people of different faiths can stay happily married so long as they respect each other and come to an understanding. I'm Catholic, DW is not religious. She understands that my faith is important to me and I regard it as part of my legacy to my kids. I understand that she is not much interested in organized religion. The kids will be raised Catholic and go to Catholic schools, but they will be encouraged to learn about, underrstand and respect other religions. Seems to work.

 

[azanon]

I turned from Christain to Atheist about 2-3 years ago, but we both married as christains. Its a bit of a stuggle (e.g. naturally, i don't want to go to church and she does), and we have concern over our son getting mixed signals, but we make it. I'm not so sure i can go as far as saying she respects my beliefs (by definition, that's pretty difficult for a christain to do), but we manage. Mostly, just not talking about it works.

 

[Rich_by_the_Bay]

I guess everyone’s views will vary; I like his approach as I favor a more right wing faith based approach to marriage, while this works for me and my wife, others will not like it and want a more left/balanced approach.

For this I recommend:...

Sounds like your marriage has benefitted from a number of outside guidance, books, seminars, etc. I hope all this reflects a desire to deepen the union. I applaud the effort and time you have devoted to it and wish you many years of continued bliss.

We've made it 35 years (and going strong) based on our personal package of compromise, honesty, luck, and love. We just quietly row our boat.

Not every couple needs or wants outside direction.  Personally, I stay away from making marriage recommendations to anyone -- sometimes even when asked (which is not infrequent given our blessed track record).

From what I see on the web, Dobson would not be on our list if we did want a marriage book.

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

Where does a 29 year one night stand fit in this discussion?

Had a ten year one of those...screwed it up by moving in with her and attempting this thing they call a "relationship"...

 

[ladelfina]

Rich, I like your "rowing the boat" image..

Sometimes I have thought of it more as a three-legged race (NO JOKES.. you know what I mean!) but rowing is right on because you can't verbally analyse (or over-analyse) it. More constant and peaceful where you can feel when you are in synch and when you might need to adjust. Sometimes someone has to take over the oars for a time.

It helps when you start out deciding to go in the same direction, too!

 

[brewer12345]

More constant and peaceful where you can feel when you are in synch and when you might need to adjust. Sometimes someone has to take over the oars for a time.

I know you said no jokes, but if you keep tossing gimmes over the plate, someone is going to hit them out of the park.

 

[shiny]

Rich, I like your "rowing the boat" image..

I like that image too. We are through our whitewater kyaking stage and into the row boating stage! Less drama, more relaxing.

As far as the religion/Dobson thing... I'm all for people having their religious faiths, I'm just not for religious hypocrites/authoritarians politicizing religion and condeming others.

 

[audreyh1]

We haven't found it necessary to consciously "work" on our marriage. Are we in a minority here? 15 very happy years.....

We chose not to have any children. Does that put stress on a marriage or help it?

We both had the LBYM point of view. We never endured financial struggles although the early years were a bit lean (little savings). Financial stress must be terribly hard on a marriage.

We think our biggest strength is that we have a great deal in common - interests and life philosophy. We tremendously enjoy doing things together. FIRE has been awesome because we've been able to do so much together. We're a great team.

Of course we have the deepest respect for each other. I'm sure that must be the foundation. Without a deep respect and trust for your partner - no marriage can last very long.

And at this point there are so many good years of good feelings towards each other - like a huge bank account. Hard to deplete that kind of investment and trust.

Audrey