Single men of ER...chime in pls

[Ready]

Why doesn't he just pay an escort?

That wouldn't conform with LBYM.

 

[Amethyst]

This is what would put me off dating if I ever found myself single again. Even as a girl in high school and college, I could go on a date - several dates, even - without being pressured for more than a kiss and whatever etc. I was interested in providing at that time. And this was the late 70's, after the Pill and before AIDS.

I do recall one fellow in college, who complained that if a man got excited he had to have sex, or else his penis might explode. He was serious, and I was me. I asked if I could watch.

YYou have to admit that he made it clear that he'll want sex ASAP in the relationship

 

[Amethyst]

Ha ha, those are hilarious! As a combo of parts of #2 and #4, it's a wonder I ever found anybody!

T

There are plenty of obstacles:

1. Scammers - all those 20-something 'hotties' from Taiwan and Russia who want an older man. Sure....

2. Super Women - they work out for three hours in the morning at the gym, play 18 holes of golf in the afternoon and go night skiing in the evening. In between they can whip up a gourmet dinner, and entertain at the old folks home playing concert piano. The next day they do it all again. They can fix a flat tire, and 45 minutes later are dressed up negotiating a multi-million dollar big business deal. All her kids are doctors, judges and millionaire entrepreneurs. They are great dancers and unbelievable lovers. Of course they are stunningly beautiful, and their profile photos show them in clingy dresses that are 'cut down to there and slit up to here' as my granny used to say. They want to know if a man can "keep up with me".

3. Instant Chemistry addicts - these women are addicted to instant 'chemistry'. They will know within 5 minutes if they have it with you. If there are no fireworks when you meet, the birds don't start singing, and the bells don't start ringing then it's 'sorry buddy, but you are not the one'.

4. ?Does She Care? types - these women have a nice profile but when you meet them you find that she is a mess - I mean I have had women turning up for the first meeting dressed like she just finished plowing the lower 40. Others, just tie back their hair and look like they spent the last three hours washing dishes in greasy spoon diner. It seems that simply washing up and putting on some clean clothes is just not worth the effort.

OK the above is exaggeration, but not a huge exaggeration.

Me? I had a subscription to an OLD (OnLine Dating) site. With two weeks left to go and no real successes, I went on one last messaging fling to see if I could find someone. Guess, what? I found a lady who seems to be a good possibility. She is not one of the four types above and that is as good start. Maybe she is in the 2%? Time will tell.

 

[Amethyst]

You sound pretty cool, actually.

A
The hardest part is the biggest weakness a man has: no-one tells me I am a wonderful person. .

 

[evilanne]

Interesting to see how men are thinking. Years ago I tried a couple of dating sites but I wasn't ready to deal with another relationship as it was hard getting rid of stalker ex. Working full time with son in 3rd grade--it didn't make sense. Although at one point after eharmony ad came on radio one day...my son said you should try that LOL.

Seeing the drama in other people's lives with GF/BF or SO over the years pretty much convinces me not to go there when I occasionally think about trying online sites again. If I meet someone special, great; but the thought of dealing with the games, drama or someone else's idiosyncrasies/baggage just isn't really appealing at the moment. I may try again someday. Life is good.

One thing I don't understand on many of the dating sites from what I remember was the number of guys posting pics of themselves standing by their car or truck I just don't get it.

 

[Dawg52]

Never married. I would have in my 20-30's but never stumbled onto the right one. Been told I'm too picky....probably true. At this point I have no desire to marry or be in a serious relationship. I have female buddies I meet for an occasional drink and chat session but that's about it. Yep.....I'm an odd duck. Hopefully I can talk one into helping me with my adult diapers when the time comes. Ha.

 

[2017ish]

...

I do recall one fellow in college, who complained that if a man got excited he had to have sex, or else his penis might explode. He was serious, and I was me. I asked if I could watch.

You owe me a new keyboard!

Excellent.

 

[athena53]

I do recall one fellow in college, who complained that if a man got excited he had to have sex, or else his penis might explode. He was serious, and I was me. I asked if I could watch.

My oldest granddaughter is only 3 but when she gets to the age where we discuss these things, I WILL tell her that story!

 

[Bestwifeever]

...

I do recall one fellow in college, who complained that if a man got excited he had to have sex, or else his penis might explode. ...

This reminds me of the old joke, "do you smoke [-]after[/-] before sex?"

 

[Sunset]

Never give up looking. My girlfriend tried the online dating services few quite a few years and met some very nice men (little odd, dentist that talked about space aliens and electrical engineer that was super religious, both first dates) but no keepers. All of her friends send men her way and she does a lot of hiking, kayaking meet-ups. She was hiking with a group in Virginia this past weekend and met a man. Other friend that was there said they clicked right away AND he's from our area. I've got my fingers crossed for her. You have to put yourself out there and keep looking.

After moving across the country I tried the online dating.
The funniest episode was when chatting with a woman online, she and I just "clicked". So we decided to go on a date, and she gave me her address to pick her up.

I was early 40's and so I drive to her house, which was in a less than middle class neighborhood and knocked on the door.

A STUNNING BEAUTIFUL young 18-20 yr old answers the door, frankly I'm shocked !
I introduce my name as it would be odd to say: "I'm your online date", and I figured the name would be the key.

She says: "Grandma your date is here" and this probably 60-70 yr old woman comes to the door. She is now shocked by her young date

She offered to skip it all, as it was obvious we had not mentioned age, but I felt we should still do lunch and converse, as she and I had so much in common or interest for discussion, so we did.

 

[dvalley]

One thing I don't understand on many of the dating sites from what I remember was the number of guys posting pics of themselves standing by their car or truck I just don't get it.

Agreed, so on the topic of instant turn-offs, for me they are:

Women winking at the camera while holding some sort of a drink. Not classy.
Women wearing team baseball caps (heck even men shouldn't do that after 30).
Women showing major cleavage/skin right on the main profile photo.
Women typing 2 page long list of what they want
Women posting pics with other men unless it's her dad then it's sweet but best to not have other men even if they're cousins, brothers whatever.

 

[jollystomper]

...For me it's all about personality. My husband is "the quiet man" and I'm the social butterfly. I drag him out to car club meetings, car shows, cruise nights, wood carver shows. These are all things that are of interest to him but he's so introverted he wouldn't go unless I initiate it...

This raises an interesting point to me. Observing my male friends and acquaintances who have lost their spouses/companions thru death or divorce later in life, it seems that the ones who were socially engaged, either directly or through their spouse/companion, were able to quickly find companionship. Perhaps because their involvement got them known in those social circles... and if they were viewed positively, when they became single the social circles in effect worked to find them a companion.

Another item I have observed is that is a male having an air of "desperation" for companionship might be a problem. I do not know if this is generally true, and this again may depend on the social settings one frequents. DW said one of the reasons she get interested in me was that I was friendly but not "pursuing" her as other men were in college, and they making her all sorts of "offers" and "promises". Maybe it was because she had a bit of a ego then - trying to figure out why I was not chasing her when others were.

Though happily married, I do thing about this thread topic. Tomorrow is not guaranteed for any of us. Even if you have the "perfect" life with your companion, eventually one day one of you will be burying the other, and perhaps wondering what will you do now. So for me this thread topic is a good thing to ponder.

 

[Fedup]

I enjoy reading this thread. It beats the dry analysis of 4% SWR. But I must say it's tough for both sexes. My daughter told me recently one of her college friends from freshmen dorm keeps a spreadsheet of 109 men she went out with, out of that many men, she only has FWB with 3, i.e. she has not found the guy yet. They are all successful career wise but lacking some social skills.

 

[dvalley]

I do recall one fellow in college, who complained that if a man got excited he had to have sex, or else his penis might explode. He was serious, and I was me. I asked if I could watch.

That's pretty funny!! I dated this lady a long time ago, for may be a month, she was insistent that I should not use condoms since she's on the pill and has a lady-condom. I told her I wasn't comfortable with the idea. She continued that it feels no different than her plastic friend. I told her to let me know when I should hit the off button then

 

[Chuckanut]

One thing I don't understand on many of the dating sites from what I remember was the number of guys posting pics of themselves standing by their car or truck I just don't get it.

This is easy to understand. Just think of the number of women who post pictures of their cats. Why? How many men want to date a cat? How many men want to play second fiddle to a woman's pets? It's the same kind of thinking, only the irrelevant object is different.

And speaking of photos, why in the world do so many women post so many bad photos of themselves? Really, I kid you not. Among the bad ones I have seen are:

1. The woman is frowning and looking very unpleasant, like she is suffering from a migraine.. Sometimes she even looks hostile. Will she bite my head off the moment I displease her?

2. The photo is out of focus. What does she really look like? Yes, we realize blurriness hides the wrinkles, but those wrinkles also show she's mature and not some wet behind the ears 30 or 40-something.

3. Selfies! Good grief they look terrible! Worse are the ones taken in front of a mirror with the reflection showing the lady holding the phone with her head at an awkward angle.

4. Long distance operator. She makes up about 5% max of the photo. Maybe the NSA and its super computers can get a good idea what she looks like but most men will just pass her over.

5. Awful color balance. The photo is very orangish, or worse yet, greenish. Even the simplest photo software can correct that with one click of the mouse.

6. Gross backgrounds. You know, the one where the open toilet is right behind her left ear. Or the pile of dirty dishes in the sink is behind her shoulder. Or the disgusting, filthy cat/dog bed surrounds her head.

7. Excessively Sexy. Yup, I really mean this. One photo showing her 'rockin' a short sexy dress is OK. Heck, it's great! Numerous photos with revealing clothing makes the worthwhile guys wonder what she is really about.

8. I'll save the worst for last - the out of date photos that are at least 5 and probably 10 years old. When they meet, the man will know he has been fooled. These remind me of bald men who always wear a hat in their photo (those bald is apparently very sexy these days). Or guys who overstate their financial status, height, love of children, and cooking abilities. Don't lie.

 

[dvalley]

I forgot the worst photo type, the deceptive photo i.e. a super close-up of the face. Then you meet them in person and find out they're 3x the size you thought they were.

 

[Tailgate]

I think that the harder you look, the more you stress about it, the greater you chance of not finding it. I was 38 when I finally gave up and quit looking.. within 6 months I found her and she found me.

 

[Chuckanut]

I think that the harder you look, the more you stress about it, the greater you chance of not finding it. I was 38 when I finally gave up and quit looking.. within 6 months I found her and she found me.

There is a lot of truth to what you write.

It's OK to be persistent and not let the failure discourage us, but when one tries to hard, becomes desperate or comes off as needy it's time to take a break and just concentrate on being true to yourself.

Finding a partner should not consume a person, it's important for sure, but it is not the only reason for living.

 

[haha]

This past week I thought, Oh crap. GF is really being unreasonable. Of course, she felt that I was being worse than unreasonable, more downright awful. If we could just agree on who was the perp, and who was the vic, everything would be copacetic! Luckily some of the postings on this thread helped me realize that a bit of pain now is better than a lot of loneliness, disappointment and frustration later.

Take home-I resolve to count my blessings and keep my head down.

Other topic-someone mentioned Meet-Ups. I think meetups are great, and some that particularly appeal to younger people are real dating clubs. But I go to a few that are specifically addressed to 50+ members, and mostly the men prefer to talk to other men, as do I. There are many more women than men, and for the most part they group together. I do not know whether this is choice or default.

As my first statements in this post imply, I hope that my situation persists. If I doesn't I will just go back to dancing, as dancing is fun without any more, and it also teaches the man and woman a lot about one another in a very short, no pressure physical interview. The lead and follow is very good, as people have known for at least centuries. If I start to turn left, and she insists on going right, someone may long for her, but I am just waiting til the music stops.

Ha

 

[Danmar]

I was widowed after 30 years of marriage. The last 12 years were as a caregiver for my brain injured wife. She recovered about 90% function, but had a personality shift.
I was on a grief recovery website, and there was a lady there who struck me as the most caring person I had ever known.
We found out we lived only 40 miles apart, and agreed to meet half way for lunch. As I walked her to her car after lunch, I said what i think was the smartest thing I ever said. I said, "I would like to see you again".
We will be celebrating our 10th anniversary in November.
My birthday this year came around Mother's day, which we celebrated with her 2 sons, wives, and grandchild. Her older son gave me a card that really teared me up.
He wrote-Happy birthday, we love you.I couldn't have asked for someone better to take care of my Mom.

Good for you. Your story teared me up too. Having a good relationship with your SO's kids is so important. Sometimes not easy.

 

[Danmar]

My DS and I sometimes discuss how much we would hate to have to date again. This thread has certainly confirmed our view.

 

[Sojourner]

And speaking of photos, why in the world do so many women post so many bad photos of themselves? Really, I kid you not. Among the bad ones I have seen are:

1. The woman is frowning and looking very unpleasant, like she is suffering from a migraine.. Sometimes she even looks hostile. Will she bite my head off the moment I displease her?
...
8. I'll save the worst for last - the out of date photos that are at least 5 and probably 10 years old. When they meet, the man will know he has been fooled. These remind me of bald men who always wear a hat in their photo (those bald is apparently very sexy these days). Or guys who overstate their financial status, height, love of children, and cooking abilities. Don't lie.

I forgot the worst photo type, the deceptive photo i.e. a super close-up of the face. Then you meet them in person and find out they're 3x the size you thought they were.

Gotta agree with all these. Hard to believe so many women can't take the time to give their profile photos just a little bit more thought and attention to detail. I'm sure you could make a similar list for men's pictures, too.

IMHO, the biggest flaw with online dating (or, more technically, online introduction services) is that there is way too much emphasis on extensive, meticulous, upfront filtering. For example, you specify exactly what age range, height, weight, religion, salary, musical tastes, hobbies, and many other aspects you are looking for in an ideal partner, and then basically never end up meeting anyone who falls outside that very narrow range. Several studies on this phenomenon have shown that it's an extremely counterproductive strategy for finding a suitable partner, since it turns out that nebulous factors like personality, chemistry, and interpersonal dynamics are much more important than people think, and often times people end up dating and marrying someone they never would've even met had they applied all the filters mentioned above.

A simple example of this is the height filter that women often use on sites like Match.com. A large percentage of women set their minimum desired height to 6'0", and this alone immediately screens out roughly 80% of the population of available men. Yet were they to meet these shorter men in real life, at a social function or though more "natural", traditional means, a fair number of these women would find themselves attracted to the men for other reasons, in spite of their height.

I haven't done much online dating, but my rule of thumb is to use filters very sparingly and to set my preferences much more liberally than I might otherwise be comfortable with. In essence, I want to expand my pool of potential matches beyond just my "ideal", and I want to make it past most of the screening filters of all those women who are looking for just their "ideal".

 

[Music Lover]

I agree with the comments regarding inaccurate/out of date photos and silly restrictions such as "I'll never date a man less than 6' tall". How is that any different than a man saying "I'll never date a woman with less than a D cup"?

I've also been burned by outdated and/or inaccurate photos. Someone who once claimed to have "just a few pounds extra" was at least 80 pounds overweight. Instant red flags for me are head only photos (what won't you show me?), excessive cleavage shots (I only need one pic to prove that you have boobs), long distance photos that seem designed to hide, and descriptions that are nothing more than complaints about all the losers they've met.

Funny story...I met a woman once and even though we didn't hit it off, she said to me, "You look like your picture and are even the height that you claimed". I guess accurate descriptions are a rarity...I'm 5'7" and fit and say so, and when they meet me I'm still 5'7" and fit instead of 5'4" with a pot belly...

 

[jollystomper]

I forgot the worst photo type, the deceptive photo i.e. a super close-up of the face. Then you meet them in person and find out they're 3x the size you thought they were.

DW has a friend about 15 years younger than us. I rate her as the 2nd most beautiful woman in the world (after DW, of course. ). A kind, wonderful person. With a very curvy, natural figure.

Her ex divorced because he had a predilection for teenage girls (long and sad story). When she decided to get back into dating, she signed up with a dating service and sent me a few pictures to get my opinion on which would be best for her profile. I told her "either wear a loose burlap sack or only have your face in the picture, because you will get a lot of unwanted attention". It wasn't that she was dressed all sexed up, just that even in nice, conservative clothing, her curves were evident.

DW and I also acted as her secret "date monitor" on about half a dozen occasions, just in the same establishment to observe and be prepared to intervene just in case. The consistent reaction we observed was (a) they were surprised that she looked just like her picture, and (b) they were not expecting her to have the figure she had.

 

[FlaGator]

A simple example of this is the height filter that women often use on sites like Match.com. A large percentage of women set their minimum desired height to 6'0", and this alone immediately screens out roughly 80% of the population of available men. Yet were they to meet these shorter men in real life, at a social function or though more "natural", traditional means, a fair number of these women would find themselves attracted to the men for other reasons, in spite of their height.

No longer on Match, but I was initially frustrated by the height requirements of the women who claimed to be 5'6" or less (I'm <5'10"). I eventually concluded (rationalized : they were more concerned about how they would look in public with their date and used that to screen them out.

I did filter for education and looked for indications of broader life experience after a few episodes with women who hadn't been more than 1,000 miles from their birthplace. Just wasn't much to discuss, and wanted to have the right role model for my kids should something develop