Single men of ER...chime in pls

[scrabbler1]

I have absolutely no nuggets of wisdom to offer. I'm 53 and have been with my current SO for about 9 years. We live just over half a mile apart, and it's the perfect distance. We spend an afternoon together each weekend, sometimes a whole day, and get to see each other for coffee and market trips a couple of times in the week. We are both agreed that there is no way we could live together, but our current arrangement works well for both of us.

My story has some similarities to yours, Major Tom. I am 54 and have been with my LF for the last 12 years. We don't live together but live about 1/4 mile apart, walking distance. She works FT and I spend a few nights a week at her place while she spends 1 night a week at my place. We met on line and she relocated here (Long Island, NY) from Kentucky. She has a grown daughter from a prior relationship but my LF has never been married.

I live in a studio apartment in a co-op complex and have owned it for the last 28 years. It is too small for two people, not that I really want to live with my LF. Her rental apartment is larger than mine but it's a mediocre apartment building so I wouldn't want to live there.

I have been a loner for the most part, so I still like my alone time. Being an ER since late 2008 has given me more alone time which I like.

 

[Chuckanut]

The best advice I can give is 'Don't Give Up' if you truly want to find a good partner in life.

My experience has been that the vast majority of single women out there in my age group are good people. But, only about 2% are 'right' for me. Now, here's the hard part - It often takes a while to find out if she is in that 2%. Like my old grand-pappy used to say " You have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your princess'. Well, most of the women are much nicer to kiss than a frog, but they are not my princess.

There are plenty of obstacles:

1. Scammers - all those 20-something 'hotties' from Taiwan and Russia who want an older man. Sure....

2. Super Women - they work out for three hours in the morning at the gym, play 18 holes of golf in the afternoon and go night skiing in the evening. In between they can whip up a gourmet dinner, and entertain at the old folks home playing concert piano. The next day they do it all again. They can fix a flat tire, and 45 minutes later are dressed up negotiating a multi-million dollar big business deal. All her kids are doctors, judges and millionaire entrepreneurs. They are great dancers and unbelievable lovers. Of course they are stunningly beautiful, and their profile photos show them in clingy dresses that are 'cut down to there and slit up to here' as my granny used to say. They want to know if a man can "keep up with me".

3. Instant Chemistry addicts - these women are addicted to instant 'chemistry'. They will know within 5 minutes if they have it with you. If there are no fireworks when you meet, the birds don't start singing, and the bells don't start ringing then it's 'sorry buddy, but you are not the one'.

4. ?Does She Care? types - these women have a nice profile but when you meet them you find that she is a mess - I mean I have had women turning up for the first meeting dressed like she just finished plowing the lower 40. Others, just tie back their hair and look like they spent the last three hours washing dishes in greasy spoon diner. It seems that simply washing up and putting on some clean clothes is just not worth the effort.

OK the above is exaggeration, but not a huge exaggeration.

Me? I had a subscription to an OLD (OnLine Dating) site. With two weeks left to go and no real successes, I went on one last messaging fling to see if I could find someone. Guess, what? I found a lady who seems to be a good possibility. She is not one of the four types above and that is as good start. Maybe she is in the 2%? Time will tell.

 

[dvalley]

GravitySucks, I'm also sorry for your loss.



Hmmmm. Where to start....

I'm mid-50's, FIREd seven years ago, never married. A fair number of girlfriends over the years, though none in the past two.

Speaking for myself, I'd say the water is lousy. I seem to have finally hit the age at which the type of woman I'm attracted to has very little interest in me. "So change your standards," you say. Well, that's easier said than done.

I live in a populous area of California and have been active on the dating websites. I've been on maybe a dozen dates, and the results have been really, really, really depressing.

Lest this start to sound like a sob story, I'll say I'm generally a happy guy with a positive outlook on life. I have a successful post-FIRE business but still manage to travel for pleasure a lot. But in answer to your question, I can't really recommend being single in your 50's. I'm finding it like Coleridge's ocean: Water, water everywhere, nor any drop to drink.

Here are a few more loosely-related observations, mostly because I feel like raising some eyebrows:

I see a lot of married couples. I watch them very carefully. I study them. Their tone of voice in talking to each other, their expressions, their gestures and their body language. I'm pretty much convinced that the vast majority of marriages are a year or two of delight followed by a lifetime of quiet desperation. And those are the ones that last. If you've managed to defy those odds, I salute you. You're fortunate indeed.

Why is dating so tough? Because men want a virgin whore, and women want a poet on a motorcycle.

One last thing: I've visited maybe 45 countries and lived in three, and nowhere have I had a harder time dating than the U.S. (my home country). There seems to be something about affluence and privilege that poisons romantic relationships. It may be that hyper-consumerism breeds a restlessness that is toxic to monogamy. It may be that we have all just become too eager to litigate. Whatever it is, the U.S. (especially the coasts, not so much the middle--I've lived in all three) is possibly the hardest place in the world to have a normal, satisfying love life.

Holy cow, you took most of the words right out of my head (I didn't dare speak them). A slight exaggeration but mostly on point. I also blame the new-age BS being fed by the mainstream. I'm old school where I grew up watching my mom/dad worked as a team to raise their family, my mom was the home maker and my dad was the breadwinner (and the principal's office) if we were out of line. They argued like in most relationships, there was even some broken dishware once in a while, but they were committed to one another, and to this day they're inseparable (approaching 80s).

My last relationship ended where she was pushing me to marry her but I didn't feel that she was invested in the relationship like I would hope a to-be wife would be. The final straw was when some guy at her yoga place made a lewd comment to her - along the lines of wanting to see her without any clothes on. That upset me, I can be the jealous type in these instances, enough to want to go and have a chat with this loser. So I asked her to delete his text and not talk to him anymore. She got upset at me saying 'I can take care of myself and I definitely don't need someone telling me who I can and can't talk to. I also don't appreciate you calling him a loser, how do you know what he is or isn't, you've never met him'. I tried to understand her point of view but it did not compute. All I could think of was if a woman hit on me and my gf (whom I wanted to marry me) asked me to not be friends with this person i would it without a second thought. It's not like I asked her to cut off contact with one of her best girlfriends or a family member. My upbringing taught me some level of devotion, loyalty and sacrifice for those you love and care about which seems absent in most people today...this is why I said perhaps there's something wrong me. However, I do see it in some couples, when one is hurt the other truly grieves and is concerned. I find that most though just up and leave. Case in point I had a friend who was diagnosed with lupus, her husband divorced her a few months after the diagnosis and then married someone else

So when I think about all this is when I just don't want to deal with it and I want to become a monk. But my second brain won't let me.

 

[dvalley]

The best advice I can give is 'Don't Give Up' if you truly want to find a good partner in life.

...

Hilarious and yet so true. I'm going to have to use some of those descriptions in my profile when I sign up for one

 

[Chuckanut]

One last thought....

The 'chase' is worth it. When you find that pearl of great price, she will be worth the effort.

Another last thought....

Go out into the world, extrovert or introvert, and live your life. I am still amazed at how good life is. A healthy sense of 'self' is usually very attractive to the right kind of people.

An additional last thought......

This is a hard one for we introverts - remember that "Fortune Favors the Bold".

 

[Chuckanut]

Hilarious and yet so true. I'm going to have to use some of those descriptions in my profile when I sign up for one

Like my old grand-pappy used to say - Good humor has an element of truth in it.

 

[Hermit]

....
I'm not ready to remove my wedding band yet- maybe at one year? and have decided that if I'm not ready to do that, I'm not ready to date. Life is very good regardless- a nice mix of goofing off, good works, travel and spoiling my granddaughters.

I wrote on a post here several years ago along the lines that maybe I would look for another when the memories fade, maybe in a few years, maybe longer. I still don't know when that might be. My DW has been gone for 8 years now. I think if the right person came along, I would be ready to enter a relationship, but I don't feel like I am ready to go out looking for one. We each have our own time frame for grieving. I hope it all works out for you. In the mean time, the single life doesn't seem too bad to me. I have enough friends and family to keep me happily engaged with other people and I have plenty to do that I enjoy to keep me busy. Can't ask for a whole lot more...

 

[dvalley]

Like my old grand-pappy used to say - Good humor has an element of truth in it.

Sort of like this? https://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lvg/440674102.html

 

[Sojourner]

To the OP, I would strongly suggest getting involved in Meetup.com if you haven't tried it. I started going to meetups a few years ago, and found it to be a really great way to meet lots of interesting people. While it's not strictly for singles, you'll find a large percentage of people who come to most meetups are, in fact, single and are using it (at least to some degree) to look for possible dating matches. Personally, I have dated two women I met at different meetups, so I know that it can work for that. My best advice is to join several Meetup groups that are centered around things that interest you (for example: hiking, or wine tasting, or yoga, or salsa dancing) and go to at least one or two events per week. You'll find your social circle broadening substantially within a few months and undoubtedly will end up meeting a number of single women who are in a situation somewhat similar to yours.

I do see complaints from men (male friends), divorces, custody battles, sleepless nights. A lot of lonely people share a house with someone they don't like or share very little with, feeling stuck and depressed. I think about 20% of friends I know well have marriages that actually improve their lives vs. the alternative.

Also just wanted to say I totally agree with this. I was just telling a friend of mine the other day that I can count on one hand (and not even using all five fingers!) the number of couples I know who seem truly happy and fulfilled in their relationships. I'd say 20% is about the right number, but even with those low odds it's still the case that most of us single people yearn to be in long-term relationships... hoping that we will be lucky enough to make it into that 20%. It really is a bit like playing the lottery, where the odds are low but the ultimate payoff is so great you feel compelled to keep trying.

 

[dvalley]

I also don't have an answer that makes sense to this question: how does a relationship bring me more happiness? If I want mostly sex, it is readily available at affordable prices.

What's affordable? I kid and I don't mean to come off all pious or anything, I'm far from it but I'm kinda like a chick in that dept. Even one night stands are not my cup of tea- I did that once and it just felt meaningless. In many ways I'm my own enemy...

 

[HFWR]

What's affordable? I kid and I don't mean to come off all pious or anything, I'm far from it but I'm kinda like a chick in that dept. Even one night stands are not my cup of tea- I did that once and it just felt meaningless. In many ways I'm my own enemy...

Most one-night stands aren't about "meaning"...

On line dating is much like going on a string of j*b interviews. Not to mention meeting those who posted a profile pic from ten years and fifty pounds ago...

As Rod Stewart was purported to have said, "Next time I decide to get married, I'll find a woman I don't like, and buy her a house."

 

[Bestwifeever]

I'm not ready to remove my wedding band yet- maybe at one year? and have decided that if I'm not ready to do that, I'm not ready to date. Life is very good regardless- a nice mix of goofing off, good works, travel and spoiling my granddaughters.

I wrote on a post here several years ago along the lines that maybe I would look for another when the memories fade, maybe in a few years, maybe longer. I still don't know when that might be. My DW has been gone for 8 years now. I think if the right person came along, I would be ready to enter a relationship, but I don't feel like I am ready to go out looking for one. We each have our own time frame for grieving. I hope it all works out for you. In the mean time, the single life doesn't seem too bad to me. I have enough friends and family to keep me happily engaged with other people and I have plenty to do that I enjoy to keep me busy. Can't ask for a whole lot more...

In my imagination, when and if the time is right, you two run into each other somewhere and ....

 

[socca]

...I start to wonder how it would be boring and lonely to live out potentially the most fun/best years of my life by myself.

Have you considered a female domestic robot (FDR)? A FDR can satisfy all of your needs with much less attendant aggravation than a flesh-and-blood human female. FDR hardware and software can be configured by the owner, so you can enjoy the companionship of a different ‘person’ each night. One night, it could be a bubbly buxom blonde, the next night, a morose and mildly anorexic brunette, the third night, a ribald, vivacious, chubby redhead. The possibilities are limited only by your imagination. Not in the mood for companionship? Just turn off your FDR until you need her again.

If you have a hankering for a traditional marital situation, you can purchase a dominatrix personality module on the black market (the manufacture and/or sale of such modules is currently illegal in the U.S.) A FDR configured as a dominatrix will vigorously resist your attempts to turn her off, resorting to lethal violence when necessary. She will come to control every aspect of your life, in all cases acting in what she perceives to be your own best interest whether you agree or not.

The FDRs available today are mostly of Japanese origin, and so have an Asian flair. However, major American consumer electronics companies are rumored to be readying FDRs for the American market. Keep your eyes open!

 

[HFWR]

Have you considered a female domestic robot (FDR)? A FDR can satisfy all of your needs with much less attendant aggravation than a flesh-and-blood human female. FDR hardware and software can be configured by the owner, so you can enjoy the companionship of a different ‘person’ each night. One night, it could be a bubbly buxom blonde, the next night, a morose and mildly anorexic brunette, the third night, a ribald, vivacious, chubby redhead. The possibilities are limited only by your imagination. Not in the mood for companionship? Just turn off your FDR until you need her again.

If you have a hankering for a traditional marital situation, you can purchase a dominatrix personality module on the black market (the manufacture and/or sale of such modules is currently illegal in the U.S.) A FDR configured as a dominatrix will vigorously resist your attempts to turn her off, resorting to lethal violence when necessary. She will come to control every aspect of your life, in all cases acting in what she perceives to be your own best interest whether you agree or not.

The FDRs available today are mostly of Japanese origin, and so have an Asian flair. However, major American consumer electronics companies are rumored to be readying FDRs for the American market. Keep your eyes open!

http://youtu.be/Ag1EbxYKh_4

 

[Souschef]

One last thought....

The 'chase' is worth it. When you find that pearl of great price, she will be worth the effort.

We recently took my wife's old engagement ring and a gold bracelet my late wife gave me and had it made into a beautiful pendant.
I had it inscribed on the back Prov 31:10
Which reads Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.

 

[FlaGator]

Lost my wife of 30 years to cancer in 2014. We had 2 pre-teen kids at the time.

Knew I wasn't going to spend the rest of my life alone, but the long runway with getting the kids launched brings some constraints. Plus I was an emotional mess, but didn't realize it at the time.

About a year after my wife died, I got involved with someone I knew from high school (pro tip - don't even think about it). Ended that one after she relocated to FL and revealed her true self. Feel bad that she changed her life on a hope, but there was frank conversation before she moved about possible outcomes.

Took a 9 month break from the companionship circuit, did some serious introspection and cleared my head. When I could finally describe what type of situation would work, I tried Match, and made it clear from my profile I wasn't interested in:
1. Another dependent
2. Re-creating the Brady Bunch
3. Anyone in a hurry or otherwise obviously desperate
Also spelled out my kids were the priority, and I couldn't travel on a whim.

With all that, interest in me was limited , but I did meet 3 nice women, and one is the new "girlfriend" (the 16 yr. old's term). Don't know where that one will end up, and I don't have to make any decisions about it soon.

I understand the reluctance to re-engage, as it can be emotionally exhausting, plus the reality that any long term relationship will require changes in one's life and daily routine. I like my life, but know it will be richer if I'm sharing it with the right person, and when the time is right.

 

[Teacher Terry]

I divorced 2 husband's and being married to the wrong one is worse then being alone. Then 20 years ago I met my current DH through a friend. We have so much fun together. We are 63 and 58 so I do worry about what happens when he goes. We have lost quite a few friends the past few years. I don't know if I would have the energy to look again.

 

[Totoro]

What's affordable? I kid and I don't mean to come off all pious or anything, I'm far from it but I'm kinda like a chick in that dept. Even one night stands are not my cup of tea- I did that once and it just felt meaningless. In many ways I'm my own enemy...

Most one-night stands aren't about "meaning"...

One-night stands? Too exhausting and complex, with an unclear nature of the transaction.

Bit of a back story first here: I travel solo and you meet some colorful characters along the way. So please do not assume all of the following is first hand experience, and judge kindly.

A little bit of what is on offer for the person who mostly wants physical comfort

• Domestic escort services - $100 to $1000 USD an hour. Includes well-known porn stars, both old & new. If you are short on time and long on money - worst option of all.
• Girlfriends with flexibility: Asia & Africa: prostitution is illegal, but sugar daddies are fine. For some fine gifts you get top pick (few 10s of USD a day is fine + meals). Company for as long as you like: hours, days, weeks or months. No expectations, and the girlfriend will be waiting for you once you get back (until she is too old). Go to Taxi Be in Madagascar and you'll understand what it means to be an insanely attractive person. These girls build careers in handling and pleasing multiple western men on their holidays.
• Travel buddies: Mostly English. They are out for two weeks and want to party. They are not coy, and will disappear afterwards. Not as much into bonding or making you feel great. It simply is a mutual exchange of enjoyment.
• Ethnic shoppers: mostly Asia (Bangkok) - you are a status symbol, and hope to land you for a long term family thing. You have a few weeks before the pressure starts, before that all you can enjoy, no maintenance and low cost.
• Entertainers: they are there to make you happy, you are there to buy drinks in the establishment. It ends when you want to.
• ..

To paraphrase a very obese american man in his mid-forties: "When I first moved to Bangkok, I felt like a kid in a candy store".

 

[Major Tom]

That's what I want! I'm female, 64, and lost DH to acute myeloid leukemia last November. I miss being able to talk to him, I REALLY miss him when I travel because we went to so many wonderful places together, but right now I actually enjoy living alone.

I'm really sorry about the loss of DH.

Companionship is so important. At this stage of my life, if I had to choose between someone with whom there was a strong spark and a good physical dynamic, and someone with whom I had a good and fun friendship, but maybe not so much of a strong physical "chemistry", I'd choose the latter every time. I agree with you - it is so nice to have someone to do things with!

One guy who had more education (doctorate) and more style than the others indicated that he really did want a woman in his life because "even though I'm ambidextrous, my hands are getting tired". Eeuw.

My goodness. Whenever I see things like this from people my age and older, I think, "I thought we left high school a long time ago?" It's just so strange to see comments like that from someone who is supposedly mature. Eeuw indeed. Mind you, perhaps he'll attract the kind of partner he wants with an approach like that.

I'm not ready to remove my wedding band yet- maybe at one year? and have decided that if I'm not ready to do that, I'm not ready to date. Life is very good regardless- a nice mix of goofing off, good works, travel and spoiling my granddaughters.

It's great that your life is such that you can take the attitude of, "If it happens, that will be good but if it doesn't, I'm already enjoying my life!"

 

[Major Tom]

My story has some similarities to yours, Major Tom. I am 54 and have been with my LF for the last 12 years. We don't live together but live about 1/4 mile apart, walking distance. She works FT and I spend a few nights a week at her place while she spends 1 night a week at my place. We met on line and she relocated here (Long Island, NY) from Kentucky. She has a grown daughter from a prior relationship but my LF has never been married.

I live in a studio apartment in a co-op complex and have owned it for the last 28 years. It is too small for two people, not that I really want to live with my LF. Her rental apartment is larger than mine but it's a mediocre apartment building so I wouldn't want to live there.

I have been a loner for the most part, so I still like my alone time. Being an ER since late 2008 has given me more alone time which I like.

We do sound similar. I'm guessing that LF = lone female (as in, sole female partner)? We're within a year of each other in age, and I stopped working just a year after you. Separated at birth perhaps?

Yes, alone time is wonderful. I find that after spending time with my SO, I look forward to having alone time. Then, after a day or two on my own, I am looking forward to seeing her again. I don't think that would happen if we lived together.

 

[scrabbler1]

We do sound similar. I'm guessing that LF = lone female (as in, sole female partner)? We're within a year of each other in age, and I stopped working just a year after you. Separated at birth perhaps?

Yes, alone time is wonderful. I find that after spending time with my SO, I look forward to having alone time. Then, after a day or two on my own, I am looking forward to seeing her again. I don't think that would happen if we lived together.

LF=Ladyfriend, the way GF=Girlfriend. BTW it's nearly dinner time, off to her place, check back here tomorrow!

 

[splitwdw]

I very much need and enjoy a friend to pal around with. If it weren't for my current SO, I suspect it would take me longer to find a female pal than it has in the past. I'd like to think I'm becoming more discerning as I get older, though maybe I'm just fooling myself . On top of that, I think I'm less of a catch than I used to be, due to a combination of greater self-awareness, and less of an inclination to put up with the BS of others though, to be honest, I'll still put up with quite a lot for someone who is worth it, so maybe I'm kidding myself once more!

dvalley - I understand you feeling tired. If I weren't with my current SO, I sometimes think that I wouldn't have the energy to go through the whole "getting to know you/dating" kind of thing. Thing is though, when you run into someone you really like, suddenly it doesn't seem like work any more. I'd say, just live your life and see what happens. Maybe you'll run into someone and maybe you won't but with the right attitude, you'll run into some interesting people along the way.

Major Tom, Don't sell yourself short. For me it's all about personality. My husband is "the quiet man" and I'm the social butterfly. I drag him out to car club meetings, car shows, cruise nights, wood carver shows. These are all things that are of interest to him but he's so introverted he wouldn't go unless I initiate it. Me, I can have fun wherever I am, so the activity isn't all that important. If there's an event that I'm interested; I'll go by myself or with friends. We are opposites and compliment each other. You are right it's all about attitude and interesting people along the way.

One guy who had more education (doctorate) and more style than the others indicated that he really did want a woman in his life because "even though I'm ambidextrous, my hands are getting tired". Eeuw.

Athena, Why do men think this is humorous? I don't want to be around men that talk like this.

 

[aja8888]

As Rod Stewart was purported to have said, "Next time I decide to get married, I'll find a woman I don't like, and buy her a house."

Was that Rod or Willie Nelson?

 

[athena53]

Athena, Why do men think this is humorous? I don't want to be around men that talk like this.

Yeah, I know. I have to admit I found it funny enough to share here (don't know too many people in real life with whom I would) but more in the sense of "Is this guy for real?" You have to admit that he made it clear that he'll want sex ASAP in the relationship and who knows, maybe he'll find his counterpart. Since, according to hie profile, he's good-looking, smart and has a decent income, he may get a few takers. I just won't be one of them.

 

[broadway]

Y You have to admit that he made it clear that he'll want sex ASAP in the relationship

Why doesn't he just pay an escort?