Solo Vacations

[Ronstar]

…I don't like being alone, but I don't have friends or family to do things with either (not that I have any interest in that anyway). I have no idea what I'm going to do while she's gone…...

If you developed some personal hobbies, you’d have plenty of places to go and things to do when your DW travels without you.

When my DW travels infrequently with friends, I take trips by myself (or friends) to places and for activities that I enjoy but she has no or little interest in. That way I get to do what I want and so does she.

 

[Car-Guy]

Interesting thread. I still like to travel (in the US) but my DW, not so much. She will "usually" go with me on trips that are longer than one day. (But not always) And, I do take "one nighters" away by myself almost weekly. Nice break for both of us.

 

[Nash]

Solo travel is fabulous. I go to Vegas alone a couple times each year.

But your circumstances are a bit different; and if I found myself in the same situation, I'd suspect my marriage is on shaky ground.

 

[Car-Guy]

Solo travel is fabulous. I go to Vegas alone a couple times each year.

But your circumstances are a bit different; and if I found myself in the same situation, I'd suspect my marriage is on shaky ground.

Me too. The DW usually goes with me on those trips. Not sure why she would worry about that at my age.

 

[Surewhitey]

If you developed some personal hobbies, you’d have plenty of places to go and things to do when your DW travels without you.

When my DW travels infrequently with friends, I take trips by myself (or friends) to places and for activities that I enjoy but she has no or little interest in. That way I get to do what I want and so does she.

Agreed, usually mine include the camper van, dog and outdoors, roughing it. Or a trip to SoCal to see the buds.

 

[old medic]

I would like to add some perspective from our view point. But we've only been together 40 years, and yes we taken many separate trips.

I know I'm probably gonna be on the losing end of this one, but I need to vent anyway.
1st is don't look at it as a win/lose situation. Nothing wrong with venting,

For the last year I had been planning.....we could get the most out of the experiences.
I seen the surprise part, and she knew of the plans, but when we "plan" a trip, we work on it together, You could SURPRISE her with something when you get there or along the travel route.

Unfortunately, my wife made plans of her own to go to a week long camp with her family. I was already annoyed having to work around various family reunions and whatnot.
As for going along on her trip, no thanks. I went to the camp thing once when we were first married, miserable time.
Well 2 things, Family trips are many folks adapting their schedules to meet up with everyone else's... quite a feat. Hell we have a hard time getting together for a family holiday dinner, and all live within 30 miles of each other. The fact she puts such importance on family is great.

Sadly, we have had several really large home expenses this year so far.
Life can always find ways to mess things up... But if you want to trade?We have been living in a camper while remolding our house, then an accident has not only crippled me up, but ruined all our plans for nearly the last year.

Since retiring from 30+ years of work, she suddenly wants to try everything that interests her.
I'm not looking forward to being alone while she's off doing her own vacations, So it feels like a lost opportunity.
IT IS.... you are losing the opportunity to spend time learning more of your wife's family and interests. Its part of growing together, not apart.

So I guess I'm kind of hurt she is choosing to go without me.
Or is it you not going with her? Do you think that hurts her feelings?
Give her a hug and say Its not that I don't want to go, but I want to be with you.

My wife and I did have a disagreement about her yearly separate beach trips.
Her and our Daughter would go to a work conference held twice a year. They also had several other work friends.... I told her to plan on spending a few extra days the weekend before or after. I mean its a 5-6 hour drive, enjoy the time. Then her sister and family would come down from NY to camp at the beach, Half the time I stayed home. Work and other things in the way.
Best of luck to you

 

[ivinsfan]

Out of curiosity I went back and looked at some of OP's other threads. It appears he doesn't enjoy spending time with the DW's family. So I'd say this is about him to some degree as both trips involve her spending time with her family. Is his DW trying to tell him something, or doing him a favor, he'll have to ask her...



Now that they are both not working perhaps they can communicate a little more about when and where to take joint couple trips.

 

[old medic]

You could try Meetup.com to see if there is something that interests you.

He defiantly needs to have the wife involved with this or she might take it the wrong way....

 

[aja8888]

Me too. The DW usually goes with me on those trips. Not sure why she would worry about that at my age.

Maybe she doesn't want to see you lose the family fortune!

 

[mountainsoft]

You could try Meetup.com to see if there is something that interests you.

Nope, I am not a social person. The same reason I do not enjoy visiting with her family. Groups of people make me uncomfortable. An hour or two is about all I can tolerate, but most get togethers last all day.

 

[mountainsoft]

Maybe I'm missing something...did you plan this trip knowing that at the same time your wife would be going to a family reunion? Why couldn't you have planned a trip for a time that didn't conflict?

I started researching and planning last year. While I didn't have a specific date in mind, I did tell my wife about when I was thinking of going. So yeah, it was kind of annoying that the family planned a reunion during that same time, but I was willing to work around it. Then they planned this camp getaway during the same period. Then a string of big home expenses put a limit on doing both.

 

[mountainsoft]

Do you have your own interests and spaces in the house or are you now on top of each other most of the time? Work on that.

I have no shortage of interests and hobbies that keep me busy. I have a to-do list a mile long. Despite being together all day, we spend most of the day doing our own things.

Vacations for me are about spending time together, experiencing the world together, and making new memories. That's why a solo trip is of no interest to me. I do things alone all the time, I certainly don't want to go on a trip alone.

 

[street]

If you developed some personal hobbies, you’d have plenty of places to go and things to do when your DW travels without you.

When my DW travels infrequently with friends, I take trips by myself (or friends) to places and for activities that I enjoy but she has no or little interest in. That way I get to do what I want and so does she.

This is pretty much how things work with us also. She has traveled through the years without me and that is fine with me. I don't care to travel so she can go wherever but we would both have a say in what happens.

I would have no problem finding things to do and then some.

 

[pacergal]

mountainsoft--
as others have mentioned, it sounds like communication is the key here. Mostly openness about budget/spending allocation, but also being open to your wife in how her plans are making you feel.
Retirement is a whole different game! How you spend your time, 24/7, is now all yours to plan freely.
Even if you don't wish to spend time with her family, are there other things you could do separately during the trip so you could still go with her?

A good discussion will go a long ways.

 

[Chuckanut]

Most of the married people I have run into who take a vacation without their spouse are women. I’ve taken a number of group tours and I don’t remember any lone husband on a tour with our without the accompaniment of friends. OTOH, plenty of married women travel with a female relative or friend. Some simply travel on their own since hubby is not interested in travel. Or, since we men are more frail as we age, unable to travel. This leads me to think that women are more adventurous as they age, or at least more realistic about the fact that the clock is ticking.

Yes, I agree communications is the answer. You both need to block of time for a couples vacation well ahead of time. In my experience traveling about, even a year ahead of time is not too early. Most of my past lady friends have had plenty of activities on their plate. Even tickets for a night at the theater often had to be planned a couple months ahead of time.

 

[Car-Guy]

Maybe she doesn't want to see you lose the family fortune!

That thought has occurred to me.

 

[Sunset]

......

Yeah, she knew I was planning trips for this summer. I usually keep the details limited because it's fun to surprise her (which she usually loves), but she knew about it and I always plan around her interests first.

............

I started researching and planning last year. While I didn't have a specific date in mind, I did tell my wife about when I was thinking of going. So yeah, it was kind of annoying that the family planned a reunion during that same time, but I was willing to work around it. Then they planned this camp getaway during the same period. .......

I read a big lack of communication in the planning process here... and a lack of specific details like exact dates (flight on day X, stay at this hotel for Z days, train to other city, etc).

Sounds like she hardly knew of the plans and they were vague, so they can be done another time when finalized. .

If you want to travel together, I'd suggest more involvement in the plans by both people, have her pick where/what to see in some place and what order to view them...

I imagine the phone went like this:
Relative: "We are having a family reunion on day X , are you free ?"
Wife: "Sure, we don't have anything planned, hubby was thinking of a trip sometime soon to someplace, but nothing is booked".

 

[Teacher Terry]

I read a big lack of communication in the planning process here... and a lack of specific details like exact dates (flight on day X, stay at this hotel for Z days, train to other city, etc).

Sounds like she hardly knew of the plans and they were vague, so they can be done another time when finalized. .

If you want to travel together, I'd suggest more involvement in the plans by both people, have her pick where/what to see in some place and what order to view them...

I imagine the phone went like this:
Relative: "We are having a family reunion on day X , are you free ?"
Wife: "Sure, we don't have anything planned, hubby was thinking of a trip sometime soon to someplace, but nothing is booked".

A appropriate response by the wife would have been:” I need to check with mountain soft because he’s planning a vacation for us and I am not sure of the dates so I will get back to you.”

 

[Sunset]

A appropriate response by the wife would have been:” I need to check with mountain soft because he’s planning a vacation for us and I am not sure of the dates so I will get back to you.”

Which relates to the poor communication about holiday planning and lack of involvement.

I'm not saying it's all Mountain Soft's fault, just that they together are not really planning their vacations together.

 

[SAinMinn]

I take solo trips, while my wife mostly prefers to stay home. I've actually encouraged her to visit her family alone, and she'd prefer not to do so (for reasons too complicated to explain). She really lost her zest for travel -- particularly air travel -- after the pandemic. Also, she loves her cats to death, and whenever she's not home at night, she misses the cats.

We are who we are, each of us.

My wife and I are 100% fine with this. For me, most of the solo trips are 3-4 nights and I make a game of it -- traveling as cheaply as I can, often to corners of the US where the tourists don't go. When we do travel together, which is rare now, we don't do it on the cheap and we're a bit more touristy about it all.

Another factor is that we both have worked from home for more than four years. On my recent solo adventure, I observed that my absence provides her with a "vacation from me." She wasted no time in agreeing. When you're in the house together ALL THE TIME, you need vacations from each other to keep things healthy.

IMHO.

 

[mountainsoft]

A appropriate response by the wife would have been:” I need to check with mountain soft because he’s planning a vacation for us and I am not sure of the dates so I will get back to you.”

That's the part that irks me. While I didn't have any specific dates set yet (still researching), she knew I was planning it and the approximate time. When her family asked her to go to the camp, she just said yes immediately.

As for the latest road trip with her sister, she did ask, albeit at an inappropriate time. As in "sister is waiting for an answer" and it's the first I've heard of it, while I was in the middle of doing something else. I voiced my concerns but could tell it was viewed as me just being controlling, so I stated it was a no-win situation for me and to do whatever made her happy. She chose the trip.

I told her I was trying to plan a less expensive getaway since we couldn't afford the trip in August (since she was going to camp). I even asked her input on a couple things to make sure it was what she wanted. Somehow she translated "we can't afford to take a vacation together" to "I can take vacations by myself".

I'll be the first to admit I do not enjoy family get togethers. I don't understand the point of family reunions with people you just visited with a few weeks ago. Or people you've had no contact with otherwise, what does it matter. Or the urgency that we HAVE to attend these things, every single year, for each side of the family, regardless of whatever else is going on.

And yes, I have plenty to keep me busy while she's gone. That's the point, I want a break too and doing stuff alone is just more of the same. I wanted time away together.

I know nothing will be solved here on this forum. Yeah, our communication sucks in this area (great in most other areas). This year has been weird and out of the ordinary. I'm just venting and thinking. Most would turn to friends or family for this sort of thing, but lacking that, you're my outlet. Thanks for listening.

 

[braumeister]

Thanks for listening.

That's the only thing we can do. Best of luck working out what seem to be a couple of different problems.

 

[ivinsfan]

MS you can't have it both ways. You clearly say she knew you were "planning" it and the approximate time...key work being approximate. Family plans reunion date, which is not approximate so DW says yes I'll be there.



It's not like you had flights and hotels booked and she told you to pound sand. As far as the money issue and family camping trip and a road get away with a sister sound pretty low expense to me. It's not her fault you don't care to mingle with her family and it's not your fault you don't enjoy large groups of people. FYI your DW wants to spend time with her family, that's normal and understandable. Since you are both retired I don't see why this is such an issue with you.



I don't understand why you can't plan a low cost couple getaway around her family time. There are 52 weeks in a year.

 

[Aerides]

If you are both retired, a couple of family trips should not mean you can't afford others. It's not like you should have a hard set budget? Given your dw has very recently retired, maybe increase that travel budget for the first few years?

But the larger issue here still is you want to spend all your time with her, not alone, and not with others, family, or friends, and she is not ok with that. She sounds more social and wants to spend time with family as well.

Consider opening up the budget and the calendar.

 

[cathy63]

How long have you each been retired?

You seem to be relying on her for 99% of your socialization needs. That's ok for you, but it's a pretty massive burden to place on someone else's shoulders unless she's also as extremely introverted as you are, and it doesn't sound like she is. If she was working up until fairly recently and she was getting her own social needs met outside the home, then she may feel really isolated in retirement.

My DH, who is the more extroverted in our relationship, definitely went through that when he retired first. I, the introvert, would come home from work just needing some peace and quiet to unwind and he'd be chattering at me non-stop because he'd been deprived of conversation all day. We worked this out by talking about it and making compromises and both finding some other friends and hobbies so we'd have more to talk about with each other.

Were you planning a trip to someplace where there would be a lot other people? Or was this more like an RV road trip for just the two of you? Traveling won't feel like a vacation to her if it's just bringing the same old home situation on the road. Spending time with her sister and the rest of her family is more than just getting away from home, it's also having other people besides you around to talk to. If you want to travel with her, you're going to have to find trips that meet her needs as well as your own. Maybe a cruise would work. There are lots of places on a ship where you can be alone and also lots of places where she can be social.