Solo Vacations

[mountainsoft]

I know I'm probably gonna be on the losing end of this one, but I need to vent anyway... So feel free to send the "suck it up buttercup" comments my way...

For the last year I had been planning a couple of vacations for my wife and I to take this summer. Like usual, I put a lot of time and research into them so we could get the most out of the experiences.

Unfortunately, my wife made plans of her own to go to a week long camp with her family in August, about the same time as the big trip I had planned. I was kind of hurt and annoyed that I didn't really get a say about that, but figured we could work around it. I was already annoyed having to work around various family reunions and whatnot.

Then a couple weeks ago her sister asked her to go on another week long road trip. I tried to voice my concerns about the cost, the long distance without me, etc. But it was basically another no-win situation for me. If she goes I'm not going to be happy, and if she doesn't she's not gonna be happy. I lose either way and don't feel like my concerns or feelings matter.

Sadly, we have had several really large home expenses this year so far (over $10K) so we won't probably won't have the extra money to fund the vacations I was planning together in addition to the solo trips she's taking.

So, right or wrong, I'm really kind of bummed about it. I'm not looking forward to being alone while she's off doing her own vacations, and I'm really disappointed we won't be getting away together this year. Heck, I'm probably not gonna get a vacation at all this year, and I may not have that many years left where I'll have the energy to take vacations like this. So it feels like a lost opportunity.

I don't like being alone, but I don't have friends or family to do things with either (not that I have any interest in that anyway). I have no idea what I'm going to do while she's gone. Probably just work on more home improvement projects like I have to do already. All the things we enjoy doing together aren't much fun for me to do by myself.

I would never choose to take a vacation without my wife. So I guess I'm kind of hurt she is choosing to go without me.

 

[CaliKid]

Yes, partially my answer is suck it up buttercup... but, on the other hand, it sounds like more a topic to really have a heart to heart with your wife about. You're a team and she acted a little bit like she wasn't on the team. It's fine for her to do her stuff but there is a joint budget and all that. I would focus on that and not that your trip isn't going to happen.

 

[athena53]

You're a team and she acted a little bit like she wasn't on the team. It's fine for her to do her stuff but there is a joint budget and all that. I would focus on that and not that your trip isn't going to happen.

I agree. I do know a few happy couples where one loves travel and one is a homebody and they peacefully coexist, but that's because they communicate and are in agreement when one wants to go someplace without the other. I can understand how you were looking forward to enjoying places together and are disappointed that decisions were made without you that eliminated those plans. Good luck.

 

[braumeister]

Your story sounded incredibly familiar to me because I have a friend who was in EXACTLY the same situation. The wife was always going off on trips with her family (the family she had before they were married) and didn't have the time to take a trip with my friend. They had been married for decades and had two grown kids, but this had always been the mode. She was a SAHM and he was always working hard and needed a vacation with her now and then, but no dice.

One day he finally got fed up with it and confronted her over another scheduling issue, and asked why she always put "her" family first, over their own family. Her reply was "Oh, my family will always come first."

He filed for divorce the next day. I hope your situation turns out better, but you should know that this situation isn't unique to you.

 

[Car-Guy]

Did your wife know your were planning the vacations for the two of you? Did she have input?

Why not suggest that you tag along with her? See where that goes.

 

[rodi]

There has to be a compromise. I assume other family members of hers bring along their spouses... Yeah, it's not the trip you planned, but it's the trip that is likely to happen.

You need to let her know that you want to travel with her. That you want to go places other than family reunions, that the budget doesn't allow all the family travel she's doing and separate trips for the two of you.... She may be unaware of how you feel? It sounds like there are significant communication gaps.

My husband does some solo travel... I do some solo travel... but the bulk of it is the two of us together. We discuss the budget together and discuss what trip has to be axed if there isn't enough money. He's currently planning a trip to Japan with our older son this summer, while I stay back with the dog. Am I envious, you betcha... but we talked about it and this made the most sense. He's also hoping to do a 3-4 week road trip to visit friends back east next Jan... Not jealous of that trip, but annoyed that he's taking my preferred vehicle and leaving me with the scooby van.... But we talked about it and both agree. I do 'girl trips' every other year or so and he encourages it. We have a joint trip this fall to Europe.

The key is - we talk about the trips... We make sure we're on the same page, budget wise, we make sure our schedules don't mess up the other person. No one is 100% happy to be left behind, but we are both happy enough that the other person is getting to do what they want.

 

[donheff]

Solo travel will be invigorating. Go on your planned trip, and post about it on the blow that dough thread.

 

[Aerides]

I don't think travel is the issue, but a symptom. Suggest some long conversations. I travel solo a little, but only after letting DH know my plans and aligning them with him well in advance.

 

[Teacher Terry]

You guys need to communicate better. You both need to discuss vacations in advance before plans are made. There’s nothing wrong with taking a solo vacation but it needs to be a discussion ahead of time before plans are made also taking into consideration your budget.

 

[Route246]

Wife and I have been taking solo vacations since we've been married. I suspect some of it had to with my road warrior duties of my job where I was often out of town for work. I always felt it would be fine for her to take solo trips to compensate.

Although my business trips were for work they did feel like a solo trip and I'm a fair-minded person so I proposed she take a solo trip now and then and she thought it was a nice gesture and took me up on it. We've been doing this ever since then. Nothing odd about it in our house.

Regarding timing, all of ours are well-timed in advance around our vacations together. I've moved around my solo trips quite a few times for her, not a big deal. I don't think she's ever moved a trip for me. LOL.

 

[CardsFan]

DW takes 2 or 3 girl's trips a year. Sometimes just a long weekend, sometimes for a week.

One trip is a girl's weekend group of 20-30 and they have been doing it for 40 years. Since retirement that has morphed into a girls week. And, I have been advised that should I expire right before or during one of these, I should expect to spend time "on ice", until she gets back. While said in jest (I think?) that was real conversation.

The key to this is, I know about them well in advance, they go on the calendar, and we plan around them. She has fun, and I have some quiet time at home with the old dog.

We do plan at least one trip together every year. Planned well in advance.

At this point in our lives, there are no financial concerns with any of these, or more. DW is frugal, and we can afford it.

That all said, I agree with many above that you need to talk about this.

 

[MuirWannabe]

I really feel for you and understand your crushing disappointment with the situation. I love our vacations and wouldn’t want to do frequent travel without DW. The only thing I can suggest is to talk with your spouse. Hopefully a true heart to heart without aggressive tone. A keep it productive conversation. Just hope and pray she understands your feelings and is willing to adjust at least to some degree to your wishes. Which frankly should be her wishes too.

 

[GaryInCO]

I would never choose to take a vacation without my wife.

I wouldn't either. But then 13 years ago she took off on a permanent "vacation" away from me.

Could be worse, @mountainsoft. At least you've still got your wife.

 

[mountainsoft]

We do talk, often, but I tend to give in to her wishes to make her happy.

Other than a few work related trips, we have never spent more than a night or two alone since we met. We just really enjoy spending time together, always have. So having her suddenly pursuing solo interests is a major switch, for me anyway. Since retiring from 30+ years of work, she suddenly wants to try everything that interests her.

Yeah, she knew I was planning trips for this summer. I usually keep the details limited because it's fun to surprise her (which she usually loves), but she knew about it and I always plan around her interests first.

As for going along on her trip, no thanks. I went to the camp thing once when we were first married, miserable time, nothing fun about that for me at all. It's just a sentimental thing for her as she went every summer with grandparents as a kid, the most freedom she really had as a child. I also have no interest in this second trip, five days in a car with noisy young kids to visit someone I know nothing about (graduation for a kid of a friend of my wife's sister).

If it wasn't for the run of urgent home repairs this year we probably could have done solo and couple trips. But there wasn't really a compromise (i.e. one solo trip, one couple trip) when money got tight.

At this point, all I can really do is suck it up and deal with it. Plans have already been made, my ideas shelved till next year I guess. With any luck, maybe I can earn enough on the side to fit in a small getaway as a couple.

 

[Teacher Terry]

In that case it’s really inconsiderate on her part.

 

[RetiredHappy]

It is symptomatic of an underlying problem in your relationship. You both need to sit down and talk about it. Inconsiderate, uncaring, don't give a damn about you are adjectives that come to my mind.

One day if you need to be taken care of, will she be there for you?

 

[aja8888]

It is symptomatic of an underlying problem in your relationship. You both need to sit down and talk about it. Inconsiderate, uncaring, don't give a damn about you are adjectives that come to my mind.

One day if you need to be taken care of, will she be there for you?

Some good points here, especially the last one (my emphasis added).

I should know, since I was DW's caretaker for three years while she was dying from COPD and mostly bedridden.

 

[ivinsfan]

Why are you excluded from the week long "family" trip? Is there an actual reason you wouldn't be invited?

 

[Route246]

After reading this I find it quite eye-opening that solo vacations are not as pervasive as I thought. Most of our friends take solo vacations, usually for the same reasons and circumstances.

First scenario is to go with his or her family and the spouse has no interest in tagging along. This is an absolute no-brainer. My best friend would visit his parents and siblings on the east coast (we are on the west coast) and his wife would send him on his way as she had no interest in being bored to death with people who she is not close to.

Second scenario is special interests such as gambling, concerts (you could not pay me to go to a Taylor Swift concert, BTW), sporting events, sports hobbies like golf, fishing, snow boarding and backpacking.

Third scenario is physical/medical including deep sea fishing if the spouse get seasick, high altitude alpine hiking and rock climbing, etc.

Last scenario is if you're escorting or tagging along with children's sports travel activities. A friend's wife was always taking trips to Disneyland and Vegas under the guise of the daughter's tournament or outing. He had no interest tagging along with his wife and a bunch of teenage girls.

 

[statsman]

Other than a few work related trips, we have never spent more than a night or two alone since we met. We just really enjoy spending time together, always have. So having her suddenly pursuing solo interests is a major switch, for me anyway. Since retiring from 30+ years of work, she suddenly wants to try everything that interests her.

Something has changed. I hope you can fix it. I make many compromises for my DW, but I have a limit. I couldn't tolerate what's happening to you, given you've indicated you are unhappy with the solo events.

 

[DrRoy]

You could try Meetup.com to see if there is something that interests you.

 

[Music Lover]

Yeah, she knew I was planning trips for this summer. I usually keep the details limited because it's fun to surprise her (which she usually loves), but she knew about it and I always plan around her interests first.

As for going along on her trip, no thanks. I went to the camp thing once when we were first married, miserable time, nothing fun about that for me at all.

Maybe I'm missing something...did you plan this trip knowing that at the same time your wife would be going to a family reunion? Why couldn't you have planned a trip for a time that didn't conflict?

 

[steady saver]

I'm sorry; it must be very hurtful and disappointing.

Sounds like you talk with one another but I'm wondering how well you two actually communicate? It seems like there's a lot "unsaid"...

I'm wondering if perhaps that post retirement is providing "too much" togetherness for your wife? You said you haven't cultivated many friendships and maybe it is wearing on her to be your main source of human companionship. Perhaps not, but worth talking about. Would communicating with her about these "hard to talk about" issues be easier if you started with writing her a note? That way you could spend time thinking about things and crafting it so you can really get your thoughts and feelings down, given that you said you typically give in to her wishes.

Retirement is a whole new shift of perspective. New opportunities for travel, yes, but also new opportunities for relating and for supporting one another while nurturing yourselves as well. It sounds like your DW is needing some changes in scenery - nothing wrong with that. But also nothing wrong with wanting your budget to accommodate planned travel together. Getting away as a couple is important; helps you gain new perspectives on the world and each other as you explore new places together.

Posting here was the first step in making some changes so glad you did. Now consider taking the next small step and put some things on paper to share with your wife. It's worth the investment.

 

[sengsational]

Seems like basic communications. You have a trip idea for the both of you. You propose it and ask "should I research it?" Later, just shy of pressing the buy button, you present your discoveries and ask her to commit. If she always says "no" at that point, you might have to take the hint and start going on your own.

 

[Aerides]

I'm wondering if perhaps that post retirement is providing "too much" togetherness for your wife? You said you haven't cultivated many friendships and maybe it is wearing on her to be your main source of human companionship. Perhaps not, but worth talking about.

Oh yes this. She might not even be able to articulate it, but a lot of couples go through some transition and adjustment when they are suddenly home all day together. You noted before she retired just last Spring.

Do you have your own interests and spaces in the house or are you now on top of each other most of the time? Work on that.