Kats,
I haven't read all the responses yet, but I read your opening post and felt I needed to respond. I feel your pain and I have walked in your shoes at least a few miles. I won't go into all the details of what we have gone through with my son, but I have spent more than one night sick with worry over him.
He flunked out of college as a junior - being an A/B student until that time. He came home, got a decent job with good benefits, quit said job because he hated it (yeah....and I love mine....
), moved out twice, failed miserably, and moved back in twice (Yes, that means he is living at home right now). When he flunked out of school and came home, we set some rules that we have held fast to. The key non-negotiable ones include:
- He will have health insurance, because should he ever become sick, I don't want my ER going to paying for his medical care because he had no health insurance...and I know it would. We are very fortunate, because he has never fought us on this, even though he has to go in the State High Risk Pool.
- We will not give him money or pay any debt he incurs. If he is living with us and has debt - he will be paying it off until it is gone. Heaven knows he had debt when he came back the last time. At that point, he finally realized he was not someone who should be allowed to have a credit card and threw his away. I put him on a strict budget and and checked him weekly - to ensure he had put aside enough money for his bills and debt payments before spending money. No excuses. This was not up for discussion.
- He is either in school and working part-time or working full-time. If he is in school, he doesnt have to pay rent (we live close enough to State U, where he transfered, so he can commute). He was diagnosed with anxiety disorder and depression shortly after he flunked out his junior year. Although we refused to let him use that as an excuse for lying to us about his classes, we did realize it was likely a contributing factor to his struggles. And because he did agree to see a therapist for a period of time (who helped him immensely), we made an agreement with him about school. When/If he was ready to go back to school, he would have to pay for his first class. Then for every class he passed, we would reimburse him by paying for the next one. No pass....no payment for next class.
Fast forward 6 years. He is now almost 27 and will (*fingers crossed*) graduate this summer. He is working at a decent place and takes as many hours as they can give him. He goes in whenever they call, so gets 25-30 hours a week. He has no debt. He has saved a couple thousand in the bank - not a lot - but it is a lot more than he had a year ago.
He has come a long way from where he was at 21. Has it been hard? Yes. When he flunked one of his classes because he didn't go, he said "maybe I can borrow the money from you for next semester". The hardest thing I ever did was to say "No, you are not a good credit risk. You figure out another way to get the money. We only pay when you pass." He figured it out - and he hasnt flunked another class. I could tell you 100 other "poor decisions" he has made that ripped my heart out when he did. It is still hard at times. I don't claim to understand some of his decisions.
But, we are very close and he has, on more than one occasion, acknowledged how lucky he has been. He also admitted he is a little afraid of graduating - and I know that is because it will mean he has no excuses and needs to think about going off on his own again - something he has failed twice at before.
My advice to you is to set some hard and fast rules and
stick to them. Giving him money will not help him - it will only make
you feel "hopeful" for a little while longer (trust me on that one). The sooner he struggles and/or fails - the sooner you can be there to help him.
We always told both our kids that they would never go cold or hungry. Right or wrong (and I know many people have their opinions on this) - they can always come home. But if they do, they will work, pay rent (if not in school), have health insurance, and not carry any debt. And don't ask us for money. Oh, and no, your girlfriend cannot spend the night. Why not? Because I said so.
Good Luck - but believe that there may be a light at the end of the tunnel. You want to have a good enough relationship with him so that when he finally realizes what you were trying to teach him all this time - he will be willing to come back to you to learn it. But "keeping a good relationship with him" doesnt mean doing what he wants and giving him money. It means explaining your rules to him and then letting him make his own decisions and suffer the consequences - without arguing, criticizing, and fighting with him....or bailing him out.
Yes, I know, it is easier said than done.
maybe it's a brain defect when you're on your parents dime. Luckily our kid had his own money to pay his ( racked up over $1000 in a couple months) and even recently found him sleeping in on street sweeping day!
