Adult Children vs Retirement Planning

[gamboolman]

Adult Children Are Costing Many Parents Their Retirement Savings

excerpt from article: "Financial independence, once a hallmark of adulthood, has gone by the wayside as adult children increasingly depend on their parents to help them cover the cost of rent, student loans, health insurance and more. But parents' desire to give their children a financial assist could be misguided — and even backfire in the long run."

ms gamboolgal and I have done this, and are still doing this to a good degree if I am being honest about it. It has definitely been, and is a factor of me working longer. Planning to retire at the end of the year.

Looking back is easy to see what we should'a, would'a and could'a done....

Lifes A Dance And You Learn As You Go.....
gambooolman....

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/adult-children-are-costing-many-parents-their-retirements/

 

[Teacher Terry]

We have helped our kids in small ways when younger as my parents did for us. But supporting them no way.

 

[FlaGator]

Helicopter parents and their "dust off" kids.....

This seems to be a late boomer/Gen X problem with people being unwilling to raise their kids the way that they were. See it with my kid's peers-many of them don't see a need to get a driver's license, much less a job, because Mommy takes them everywhere and Dad knows better than to call BS.

I am hopeful that my kids will soon be addressed as "boss" by these dust off wienies.....

 

[candrew]

Helicopter parents and their "dust off" kids.....

This seems to be a late boomer/Gen X problem with people being unwilling to raise their kids the way that they were. See it with my kid's peers-many of them don't see a need to get a driver's license, much less a job, because Mommy takes them everywhere and Dad knows better than to call BS.

I am hopeful that my kids will soon be addressed as "boss" by these dust off wienies.....

Agreed. The title of the article should be re-worded. "Parents Jeopardize Their Own Financial Futures By Enabling Adult Children".

Apart from circumstances that are ill-fated and beyond individual control, parents need to love their kids enough to allow them to fail and then further resist the urge to rescue them from the consequences of their decisions.

Allowing one's adult children to learn and grow through the valuable life lessons that failures can teach them is a great gift.

 

[Bamaman]

There's a difference between being supportive and being an enabler. Too many times parents enable their children to be the way they are and we're constantly taken advantage of. What's especially sad is when we withdraw all support, let them bottom out and they don't have the character to pick up the pieces on their own.

But after a point, our jobs are to look after our own interests and our long term financial health. Because there's no one there to support us in our remaining years. We've made the proper decisions, and we've lived within our means. It's time for us to change.

 

[joeea]

Just because my parents weren't able to financially help me in ways they wish they could have - that doesn't mean I have to pretend like I'm poor.

I'm much better off than my parents ever were. And I'm helping out my children in ways that my parents never could have.

I had to pay my own way through college. Back then it wasn't as big a deal as it is now. Accordingly, I always told my sons to get into the best college they would and we would pay for it. We did.

We helped our sons with down payments on their homes.

And we have put money aside for college for our grandchildren.

That said, our children are off to a better start financially than we were at their age. And we haven't ruined our retirement plans in the slightest.

 

[ckelly78z]

My wife caves in every time my daughter needs something, and i'm the tough bastard that says no.

My daughter is responsible, but has a fiance (likable guy) that can't seem to keep a job, so he is like an anchor that is pulling her (and us) down.

 

[Dtail]

We paid for college for our (combined) children and put away a small sum for college for DGF's granddaughter.
The children in general (2 of 4 have college degrees and 1 is working on it) are not that successful to date, but we will not provide any ongoing support.

 

[Byb747]

What makes a "successful" child? Im sure there are many personal definitions. I feel that my kids should be educated, at least a 4 year degree, have a job that at minimum can support themselves (but my heart says they should have above average jobs) and lastly they should be good people. Thoughts?

 

[HadEnuff]

We have helped our kids in small ways when younger as my parents did for us. But supporting them no way.

yep, same here. My folks' folks helped them get a start, my folks helped me and my siblings at times, and DW and I (along with my former DW) have all helped the next generation.

In nearly all of these occasions, going through the generations, it was helping the younger generation get into that first house.

Because we could, and because we wanted to. Fortunately for us the kids were all ready at different times, so we were able to space things out. If they had been all ready at the same time we would not have been able to help as much as we did.
They are all appreciative, and thankfully, not coming to us for regular infusions of money to support their lifestyles.

 

[ivinsfan]

Adult Children Are Costing Many Parents Their Retirement Savings

excerpt from article: "Financial independence, once a hallmark of adulthood, has gone by the wayside as adult children increasingly depend on their parents to help them cover the cost of rent, student loans, health insurance and more. But parents' desire to give their children a financial assist could be misguided — and even backfire in the long run."

ms gamboolgal and I have done this, and are still doing this to a good degree if I am being honest about it. It has definitely been, and is a factor of me working longer. Planning to retire at the end of the year.

Looking back is easy to see what we should'a, would'a and could'a done....

Lifes A Dance And You Learn As You Go.....
gambooolman....

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/adult-children-are-costing-many-parents-their-retirements/

Not really my business, but do you give money because you really want to, or do you give money because the kids pressure you or perhaps you feel guilty to see the kids struggle. I've seen many give until it hurts and I'm never sure which scenario applies. Every family is different, I know.

 

[eytonxav]

We put our two kids through college and have helped them as adults, not because they needed help or asked for, but because DW and I wanted to do so. We are also grateful that they have turned out to be productive, nice people who also help others. Passing judgement on what parents do for their kids or labeling all millennials as lazy, self indulgent, do nothings really hands me a laugh.

 

[gerntz]

We're never going to spend what we have. It's just who we are. And I don't think we're frugal at all - never have had a budget, just mindfully LBOM. I'm sure that comes from our upbringings by Depression-era raised parents. And I'm forever thankful of that.

That said, we've passed long some 5-10% of our assets over time. Child never asked for any even once, we just wanted to, more so for grandkids than him/her.

 

[Lawrencewendall]

I have a DS who hasn't found his groove yet. He's hit me up in the past when he couldn't pay his bills. His SO has said that he really hates to do that and beats himself up about it since the younger DS is on his way to FIRE. Now I ask the older DS how's he doing and shoot him 1k every so often "for emergencies". Saves him from asking, takes some stress off him and has no effect on my retirement (7 June).

 

[brett]

We have not had this challenge. We did ensure that both finished post secondary education with no debt. We have put in place a program to do exactly the same for our grandchildren.

Our hope is that ou children will continue make it on their own. So far so good. Our goal for both is to provide them with a healthy retirement fund that will allow them to retire early and enjoy life as we are when the time is right. They need to cover off the intervening years on their own steam.

We are watching a friend of ours put her second marriage at risk and empty her retirement savings accounts to bail out her ner' do well son time and time again. What she does not seem to realize is that her son will be gone on the day that her money runs out. She appears oblivious to it.

 

[Chuckanut]

I came to the conclusion a few years ago that since both my children seem to be on the responsible side, I would not make them wait decades to get all their inheritance. So I help with with small things from time to to time.

I will help big time with education if it does not put me at risk. I think it's one of the greatest gifts we can give our children.

I do not put my retirement at risk. After all, they can still earn money, but me? Not so much. And there are no scholarships for retirement.

 

[gauss]

Just because my parents weren't able to financially help me in ways they wish they could have - that doesn't mean I have to pretend like I'm poor.

....
That said, our children are off to a better start financially than we were at their age. And we haven't ruined our retirement plans in the slightest.

But how well off will they be in the long term once the bank of joeaa is no longer available--assuming that you don't plan to support them perpetually?

I am glad that I was able to figure out how to be financially successful independently of my parents. If my parents set me up, I would probably be holding the same whole life term insurance policies valued at $30,000 and thinking that I will be set as they did.

I am drawing an analogy between joeaa and my parents, and obviously joeaa is way more successful than my parents ever were, but the chance to learn it all for myself, including the value and joy in a LBYM lifestyle, independently of my parents has been priceless to me and a point of pride IMHO.

-gauss
p.s. The parents did pay for my first two years of school, until I said that 'I have it from here', in that they highly valued education.

 

[Teacher Terry]

Hadenuff, if you gave them home down payments I would call that big not small. My FIL borrowed us the down payment for our first home which we paid back but no interest. Nothing wrong with helping kids if you can afford it and they are responsible because they will likely inherit it some day anyways. But enabling a adult child to not have to work, etc is not doing them any favors.

 

[6miths]

One of the points made in 'The Millionaire Next Door' is regarding 'economic outpatient care' for adult children. As in it not being a great idea. We will fund education for children. Plan was for four-year degrees but due to returns on Education plan wind up with enough to fund more so that can be used up as well if they go on to graduate work. DW and I disagree somewhat beyond that. She is pretty frugal but not so much that she wouldn't think that it is reasonable to provide them with their first cars and all that entails. My philosophy is DW and I first and they and their children will benefit once kids are beyond the lay-about boyfriend/midlife crisis/divorce phase of their lives.

 

[potto0213]

This is a subject I've thought long and hard on. My parents were very frugal and very hard workers. Mom was a stay at home wife and my dad a carpenter in a small town and earned just enough for us to get by. They valued education but could give very little to my college expenses so I paid my own way but college was more affordable back then.

When my son went off to college it was obvious it was financially a whole different ball game. We paid his way because we didn't want to saddle him with huge loans. He got his degree and is a hard worker and saves diligently. Everything looked like a bright future for him until his wife of 10 years decided she didn't want to be married anymore and left him. He ended up with the 3 kids (ages 6, 5, and 3). We gave him money so he could keep the house because we didn't want the grandkids to have to move from the only place they ever lived while dealing with the trauma of the divorce.

All of these expenses were not expected. We are not rich but we have enough. We are just glad we have the ability to help out. No matter how old your children get you never stop being their parent.

 

[6miths]

As potto0213 describes, there are always going to be exceptional circumstances.

 

[ckelly78z]

We plan to change the way we treat our kids from the way our parents had treated us financially. My parents just plain didn't help with anything (school, home down payment, grandkids...nothing). Her parents kept a notebook of what she spent throughout her late teen/early 20s years that they expected to be paid back. We delayed this (not believing they were serious) until we sold our first home at age 30. We then had to write them a $3000 check out of the house proceeds before we could buy our next home. My MIL has been a nickle watcher for years, and drives us crazy with her cheapness.

 

[Jeffman52]

We have helped our kids in small ways when younger as my parents did for us. But supporting them no way.

+1

My wife and I have helped our children in small ways as well but overall, we think its important for them to learn to be independent adults that pay their own bills and find their own way in life.

We have also told them to not expect any windfall/inheritance when we die. We will not be setting aside money to leave them an inheritance. However we will have a plan for how our remaining assets are doled out if there is money left when we die.

 

[Sunset]

I have 2 relatives both of which I'd call sponges.

One sponged off his parents his entire life, they paid for his education which ended when he dropped out. they paid for nursing school which he dropped out. They paid for his house, the repairs on his house. They gave him cars when he lost his due to drunk driving. they gave him more cars. They gave him a business. They gave him $$$ . The list goes on and on for decades.

This didn't affect their retirement as they were "comfortable".
He finally stopped being a sponge, because he died at age 62.

My other relative is also a sponge, in her 60's, unfortunately for her the parents were not rich and left only a small inheritance. She blew through 2 inheritances. She has not a penny to her name, always looking for a new friend she can take advantage of, or get something for free. I've come to the conclusion she is a sociopath, and has left quite a trail of discarded friends over the years.

Some people just never grow independent and responsible, and the question becomes at what point does a parent/relative stop helping/enabling the lifestyle.

 

[jollystomper]

We just look at it situation to situation and try to discern what is help vs. what is enabling. What should be gifts vs what should be a loan.

We have STRONGLY let them know that as adults we do not expect or desire them to be living in our home. We have done everything in our power to lay a foundation for them to do that, and have been willing to provide a "launch" gift to get them started. So far they are all out and none have the desire to do that. Of course, if a situation comes up we will be flexible, but let it be known this is a temporary situation. DW has a sibling now in his 50s who is living with their mother and has never lived on his own except when the mother was paying for it, which she can no longer do. There is nothing physically or mentally wrong with him, but her parents never really challenged him to be on his own, so he feels no need to be. That is the situation I want to avoid with our kids.

If we get unexpected money, we are happy to gift some of it to them. Our share of the proceeds from the sale of my parents house well exceeded what we expected, and we shared some of this with our kids. Again, we try to stress that gifts are based on situations that occur, and should not be expected.