Broke Up with Girlfriend Over Refusing to Loan Her Money

[haha]

I met her once (a very long time ago) at my tailor's. She was actually quite pleasant and didn't ask me for anything. Made my decade. Don't you know who she is?

Bo Derek?

 

[Amethyst]

Yes...as a systems engineer, I would be quite interested in the derivation of such a graphical computation.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nomogram

I tried looking up "nomogram for dating" and all I got were medical sites about bilirubin and such.

And what is nomogram for women?

 

[Amethyst]

No doubt, it tells you how beautiful she must be in order to make up for being annoyingly intelligent.

And what is nomogram for women?

 

[frayne]

My questions is- How do I deal with revealing/hiding my wealth to lovers and friends when they are in debt or haven't begun saving? And how do I screen for people who'd otherwise be chill becoming golddiggers when they find out about my beginning wealth?
I feel awkward hiding things and I love teaching people yet don't want the resentment or financial predators that come with having begun accumulating wealth.

Felipe, answer from a dirty old man.

1. At 22 years old you are way too young to be serious about any young lady, older ladies, that's something entirely different. Don't reveal your wealth and any young lady with with half a brain will be able to tell by your actions how you manage your finances.

2. Relationships are built on trust, period.

3. Don't feel awkward about holding your cards close to your vest and if people want your advice, they will ask for it.

4. If your lady friend has any special skills sets, work out a barter deal.

 

[eta2020]

No doubt, it tells you how beautiful she must be in order to make up for being annoyingly intelligent.

That is not very good for my plans to FIRE We guys must be really stupid.

 

[redduck]

Bo Derek?

Yes. It is Bo Derek. So, we must give you ten points. However, since you passed on one of the very most beautiful women of all time, we must take away those points. Additionally, because of your poor decision making you are now destined to hook up with The Late, Great Moms Mabley in the afterlife.

Moms Mabley

You really passed on Bo Derek? OK, once again, I agree Bo Derek looks like someone from not of our species. But, pass on her...?

 

[Elbata]

Originally Posted by easysurfer View Post
What you do is take the person out to a nice restaurant, and say "Order whatever you want." If she goes for the most expensive stuff on the menu and you mind that, then that should be a sign

If expensive, I'd order same thing my date ordered. Then, when it came time to pay for the meal, I'd break out my Entertainment card, pay for dinner and say "sayonara".

 

[jIMOh]

The first rule is to NOT share with them...

You should be able to figure out what kind of person they are by just dealing with them.... and if you cannot, then drop them....

It is interesting to see how some people act when they know you have money.... they think you should 'help' them out when they get into trouble... or like you GF, when they want something right now...

Being compatible with someone is much more than between the sheets....

+1

As a 42 yo divorced guy, I ask EVERY woman a few probing questions early on to be able to check against later...

for example, ask them what their goals are. Realize many people my age have a goal to stop dating, or climb a specific rock or go on a specific vacation. I don't care what the answer is short term.

I ask people what kind of car they drive, and then follow up with is the car a reflection of their personality...

Then I see they get a new car during dating and ask why (and was the first answer a true reflection of their personality). Many people talk about moving to a new part of town as a goal, and I want to see if they achieve what they set out to do.

When asked what my goals are, I don't put dollar signs on them. I just articulate what makes me tick

I am motivated by achievement- I like setting goals and achieving them
I also tick on control- I like having control over problems and solutions at work and at home. I then point out how much it bothers me that my employer has control over my time and I do my best to make sure one day that does not happen.

My dating philosophy is more along lines that I want someone whose goals don't interfere with mine, they don't need to be the same.

For example, is there really a difference if one person wants to save for their kids education where I want to save for retirement? Yes and no, clearly different goals, but similar traits are needed to achieve the goals.

I'm also still single, so it's not like I have this figured out

 

[pb4uski]

A couple weeks ago DW and I went to our local neighborhood bar/restaurant for a lite dinner. There was a couple seated behind us who were talking about goals, etc. and it was obviously a first or early date... we were amused by it.

I guess I reached to the top shelf with DW... when we were dating my sisters were amazed that she was dating me.

As for finances, we were both pretty poor at the time... her a college student and me in the first few years of my career... and it was pretty easy to tell where her monetary values were. I recall just before we got married that we were looking at buying a small condo and didn't have the $2,000 down payment that was required, so we moved on and continued to rent. Fast forward to today, and our monthly credit card bill that gets paid off every month is about $2,000.

 

[Richard4444]

Felipe - Whom you choose to marry is the biggest decision you will likely ever have to make in your life. Treat it with such importance. This is a decision that you will either live with the rest of your life, or will haunt you for the rest of your life.

Rich

 

[Bestwifeever]

I think Felipe broke up with us.

 

[haha]

Felipe - Whom you choose to marry is the biggest decision you will likely ever have to make in your life. Treat it with such importance. This is a decision that you will either live with the rest of your life, or will haunt you for the rest of your life.

Rich

Too bad you can't buy a 10 year put when you enter into a marriage. My guess is that a surprising number of them would be exercised.

Ha

 

[hnzw_rui]

What you do is take the person out to a nice restaurant, and say "Order whatever you want." If she goes for the most expensive stuff on the menu and you mind that, then that should be a sign

Nah. That depends on whether she goes dutch or offers to pay for the entire meal.

 

[FelipeA]

Thank you for all the responses and support. In reading them, I've felt a deeper peace to not contact her. She's sent me a few texts and calls, I've been able to not reply and let her go. I see very clearly now that we're not a match and I'm ready to cut my losses. I have a repulsion to marrying her at this point so I'm listening to that.

I realize I need to be more selective in the person's values and what they want to create for their life/what they're actually doing.

I'm already a strong proponent of older women and free dates. I met this ex in college, she was 24, the one before at a workshop, she was 32.

Frayne- I totally agree, I've never thought of bartering with a lover though. I'm thinking I could trade plants/soil/compost, massage, wood work/repair, training.

Some wonderful responses in here, thank you. I didn't think I'd get so clear about letting her go so quickly.

Excuse the delays in responding to everyone, I'm studying for calculus and physics midterms right now.

 

[ETFs_Rule]

Broke Up with Girlfriend Over Refusing to Loan Her Money

I would never ask anyone to loan me money. You have to be a lower form of life to ask people to loan you money. Who does she think you are? Her dad?! I don't care if it's a chick. This is the way she will be for life. Marry this chick and she WILL be your dependent for life. I'm 50. I've known "borrowers" and they never change. Some are very adept at putting on the sad story and dropping the guilt trip on you if you refuse to loan them money.

 

[pb4uski]

+1 There are rare exceptions. I've loaned money to people three times in 59 years and have been paid in full every time. One was to a close friend who was getting a divorce from his cheating wife and needed to borrow $3k to buy her out and get her out of his life. Even if he had not paid me back (which he did less than a year later) it would have been the best money that I ever spent to get that cheating lecherous witch out of my friend's life. I also have lent money to DD twice... I actually don't even recall the circumstances but she is good for it and earns good money and it was more of a timing thing as I recall and I never had any concerns about it. And interestingly, I haven't ever been approached for a loan that I can recall. Lucky I guess.

 

[frayne]

Frayne- I totally agree, I've never thought of bartering with a lover though. I'm thinking I could trade plants/soil/compost, massage, wood work/repair, training.

Not exactly what I was thinking !

 

[haha]

Frayne- I totally agree, I've never thought of bartering with a lover though. I'm thinking I could trade plants/soil/compost, massage, wood work/repair, training.

Not exactly what I was thinking !

I think she is especially likely to be attracted by compost!

 

[travelover]

I think Felipe broke up with us.

Too bad because I had one more bit of advice.

Remember, it is a downspout, not a compass.

 

[SJ1_]

..My questions is- How do I deal with revealing/hiding my wealth to lovers and friends when they are in debt or haven't begun saving? And how do I screen for people who'd otherwise be chill becoming golddiggers when they find out about my beginning wealth?..


Thank you for your help,
-Felipe

When you are serious and been dating for awhile.
The way you view money can make or break a Relationship.

.. how do I screen for people who'd otherwise be chill becoming golddiggers when they find out about my beginning wealth?..

You will not have to if they don't know

 

[Totoro]

Hard to hide though where one is financially if you are not working for a living. If anything, I have to manage the perception down.


In dating I do tend to try and get a feel for how the financial world of someone works. The underlying values though are more important to me (LBYM as a principle specifically, and being relatively status indifferent/irreverent).

 

[jollystomper]

One of my guilty pleasures is watching the reality courtroom shows when the episodes feature people who were in a relationship, broke up, and one sues the other for money they claimed they loaned, while the other claims the money was a gift, or was repaid in quid pro quo ways. A nice cautionary tale I discuss with our kids.

When dating I learned to discern how the person handled difficult situations, especially ones that may have seem unfair to them, Their reaction seemed to reveal a lot about how they would likely handle (or mishandle) money in the long term. For example, if they need money for something do they try to come up with it on their own by either increasing their income or reducing their spending, or do they look for a loan or a gift from a parent, friend, or loved one? Or, if they do owe money to someone/some entity, how diligent are they paying it back and making them a priority?

The other interesting factor is how attracted or not they are to bright shiny things you have or don have. One reason I fell in love with DW was because she would rather hang out with me on cheap dates (picnic, walk/hike somewhere) than with the guys who had cars and wanted to take her to parties, trips, fancy dinners, etc. (she also sensed they were ultimately after something, if you know what I mean). Contrast this with a woman who would barely acknowledge my presence at a community center we both volunteered at, until one day I cam straight from work still in my suit and driving a new car I had bought earlier that day. Suddenly she came up with a scenario where I had to drive her home, and after that became quite visually and verbally flirtatious, also strongly hinting that we should date and named places it would be fun to go... fortunately I saw right through that.

 

[JoeWras]

When dating I learned to discern how the person handled difficult situations, especially ones that may have seem unfair to them,

This is key.

Life is unfair.

Amazing how some people think they are owed something because it is unfair. FillipeA's GF used this exact technique. It is a huge warning flag.

 

[harley]

One reason I fell in love with DW was because she would rather hang out with me on cheap dates (picnic, walk/hike somewhere) than with the guys who had cars and wanted to take her to parties, trips, fancy dinners, etc. (she also sensed they were ultimately after something, if you know what I mean).

And you weren't?

 

[athena53]

When dating I learned to discern how the person handled difficult situations, especially ones that may have seem unfair to them, Their reaction seemed to reveal a lot about how they would likely handle (or mishandle) money in the long term.

Great point. As I got to know DH when we were dating, I found that he'd taken in his elderly mother and taken good care of her when his sister decided she was too much trouble (he still speaks happily of those last days with her), he'd propped up a financially clueless GF in a previous relationship (she once called him because she was out of gas and had no money or credit card to refill), and he'd survived a long term of unemployment while still paying CS by liquidating his retirement savings and living off credit cards. He was pretty philosophical about it all and bore no resentment to anyone. It was a clear sign that he could stand on his own two feet. In a way, I'm happy to be able to provide a standard of living he never could have attained on his own (unless he married someone else with my finances) because he spent most of his life taking care of other people.