Daughter Considering Eloping Over Traditional Full Blown Wedding

[Freedom56]

Need advice. Daughter and FSIL are in their late 20’s. They got engaged in November and bought a house together in December. They don’t have a date yet but are thinking early 2023 because of the backlog of reserving wedding venues during Covid. More importantly, the housing expenses have taught them the value of a dollar. So much so that they are considering a very simple wedding, maybe 20 people instead of 125! That’s an interesting idea considering Dad’s bill will be much more manageable and and they can use the money I offer for the wedding however they choose. But what do you guys think of abandoning the traditional full blown wedding in favor of flying to Italy with 10 people in tow and then organizing a nice party back home later?

Having a small wedding is a great idea. I wish we had done that 29 years ago.

 

[brett]

My sister has been living common law with the same man for 35 plus years.

My DD lived with her now husband for seven years before doing the civil ceremony.

I put more far more store in the marriage commitment than I do in any marriage ceremony-faith or civil based.

 

[brett]

My sister has been living common law with the same man for 35 plus years.

My DD lived with her now husband for seven years before doing the civil ceremony.

I put more far more store in the marriage commitment than I do in any marriage ceremony-faith or civil based.

I would have been quite happy to live together rather than a marriage ceremony 48 years ago that really did no mean much to me at the time. DW's family were big believers in the ceremony. Three of her five siblings who pushed for it were divorced within seven years of their respective marriages. Go figure.

 

[Time2]

Many years ago when my daughter was about 16, I told her when she decides to marry to just elope and we will give her $20k for a house down payment. Then she met and dated a young man and he joined the National Guard. He ended up getting shipped to Quatar. He ask me for her hand in marriage, I said no, let her finish college and when you come home you can talk about getting married. Well they secretly got married before he shipped out. I didn't find out until the IRS said someone else is claiming this SS number as a deduction! I did get to use it since I contributed more to her support.

Anyway, because he was a vet, he qualified for a $0 down on a house and they bought one. So I missed out on the $20k .

Then a friend of a friend ask if (daughter) was still dating (now SIL), Oh, married, well I'll tell my friend her boyfriend has a wife. Of course my daughter was also made aware and immediately started Divorce papers.

She is now remarried to a guy we all like and we recently mortgaged a fixer upper for them and now that it's fixed, the are very near closing on a new mortgage to pay off the mortgage we gave them.

Long story short, and 5 years later, a masters and 30 more days until she graduates as a dentist.




I hope this happens with the ex.

 

[pacergal]

As others have said, it sounds like your DD wants a small wedding, not an elopement.
If you planned on contributing, just give her the money and let the two of them plan whatever ceremony/party they want.

 

[youbet]

Need advice. Daughter and FSIL are in their late 20’s. They got engaged in November and bought a house together in December. They don’t have a date yet but are thinking early 2023 because of the backlog of reserving wedding venues during Covid. More importantly, the housing expenses have taught them the value of a dollar. So much so that they are considering a very simple wedding, maybe 20 people instead of 125! That’s an interesting idea considering Dad’s bill will be much more manageable and and they can use the money I offer for the wedding however they choose. But what do you guys think of abandoning the traditional full blown wedding in favor of flying to Italy with 10 people in tow and then organizing a nice party back home later?

Destination weddings are definitely not "eloping." And they suck IMHO unless you can easily afford to pick up the tab for the guests' travel, hotels, meals, activities, etc. Perhaps when you said "with 10 people in tow" you meant that you'd be bringing them as your guests and covering all their expenses?

As far as eloping vs traditional weddings, it's not a one or the other choice. There are an almost infinite number of ways to pull a wedding off between the extremes of eloping with zero guests and having a huge, extravagant affair. You'll hear much about what is the best way but all those opinions will be based on what others want to do and their personal quirks. You (Mr Bank of Dad) and the happy couple need to make the decision based on what you want. This is NOT a time to try to get consensual validation from a bunch of strangers on the Internet!

 

[jldavid47]

A wedding is a party. It isn't important. The MARRIAGE is what's important. If they don't want a "full-blown" wedding, good for them.

 

[Katiek]

Another vote for what the bride and groom want, assuming it's within their budget.



Personally, I'd vote for a small ceremony and reception, inviting only the people who have really been important to the bride and groom during their lives - the ones that show up for graduations, holidays etc and who are really close to the couple and truly close friends of the couple.



But people have different ideas of what they want, so I generally keep my opinions to myself and enjoy whatever the couple chooses.

 

[youbet]

I like the idea. We did something similar - just Milwaukee instead of Italy. And it was only the 2 of us.

All the way to Milwaukee? Wow! We only made it to the O'Hare Marriott, just a few miles from my apartment on the NW side of Chicago. Since we took no time off work (worked Friday, married by her pastor Saturday morning, stayed at the Marriott Saturday night, moved her from her apartment in Evanston to mine Sunday, back to work Monday), we had no time for a long 1.5 hour trip like that! I even worked overtime that Monday to make up for the extravagance of that one night at the Marriott!

 

[Out-to-Lunch]

Today is our 25th wedding anniversary!

We decided to put a spin on a small traditional wedding. We paid for it ourselves, so we took every element of a 20th-century "traditional" wedding and made it as small as possible. Immediate families (which are both very large) plus two or three friends each. Maid of honor and best man only. I wore a suit, DW wore a regular dress. Bride and maid of honor carried only a single rose. No flowers on the table. I printed wedding invitations and wedding programs on nice paper stock on an inkjet printer. Our wedding photographer was a family friend (who worked at Kodak) who took pix on 35 mm film that we got developed ourselves. We sprung for a pinata for the young nieces and nephews, and music was done by a friend of the family DJ and a friend of the family band.

It was wonderful.

 

[Koolau]

Our wedding ca 1970 cost less than $1000 and that included the cost of the honeymoon to the east coast from the midwest. For that, we got the church and hall (because we were members - it was free) flowers, minister, pictures, dress, cake and punch and gas for my car to get as far as Bar Harbor Maine.

Full disclosure, DW's family contributed nothing though they could have. My parents helped about half. I was making $1000/month (almost) so we considered that a reasonable expense for our wedding. Heh, heh, one thing not to skimp on is the photographer. We had a family friend and ours was his 3rd wedding - he said. The pics turned out okay, but the photographer found out that cropping was extra - besides the $40 he charged us. So our pictures are a bit lop-sided. Still, we were very satisfied and still enjoy the memories from 50+ years ago. YMMV

 

[rodi]

My dad was the ultimate LBYM guy... So the number he tossed out for my sister's wedding was low... and sis had to put in some of her own money. Mom wanted a big affair and kept adding to the guest list... She stopped that when my sister said dad was tapped out - and mom would have to pony up for her office friends to be invited. I hated the stress of that situation so when dad offered the same small $ to me I said yes, then said put Mom on the phone, and had a discussion with her about small weddings.

Our wedding was bluffside at the beach with 19 people, including the minister. We lived in Philly at the time, but I'm a San Diego native and it's where my family is. So we were married in San Diego. We had a big catering hall party (100 people) 2 months later in Philly so that my husband's big fat [-]Greek[/-] Italian family could attend.

Set a dollar value, and let your daughter and FSIL decide.

 

[brett]

No honeymoon for us until the following May when I got a tax refund. Backyard wedding.

We went from the wedding to university and to a nursing job respectively on the following Monday. No regrets.

The cost of our honeymoon? I still remember it. It was a one week AI in Grand Bahama Island. Cost....the princely sum of $209. CAD per person.

 

[jollystomper]

A couple recently went "viral" as they spent only $500 on their wedding. A $47 wedding dress, free location by a highway, guests paid for their own food and drinks:

https://abcnews.go.com/GMA/Style/bride-viral-47-wedding-dress-tying-knot-500/story?id=84144316

It makes sense to me. It is their choice for not wanting to get into debt before their marriage. Their family and friends knew of their plans so it was not a surprise to anyone attending.

Edited to add: the article states the current average cost for a wedding in the U.S. is $30K.

 

[Buckeye]

A small wedding and an elopement are not the same thing. My mom and dad "eloped". The couple who introduced them, mom's best friend and first cousin, and dad's best friend, were their witnesses. They had expressed their intentions to their parents' before the elopement, but the marriage was not a public affair.

DH and I had a moderately sized wedding, paid for from my savings from my private loan for medical school. Honestly, we were broke after that for several months.

My sister and her DH had a small wedding, and a reception lunch for the families and wedding party, very affordable. This model sounds like your daughter's plans.

However, flying 10 people to Italy for a ceremony is a huge unnecessary undertaking. Let them marry somewhere pretty, locally, and let them honeymoon in Italy. Destination weddings interrupt the lives of many for no purpose.

+1

 

[Sangiovese]

Twenty years ago I offered my daughter $10,000 and a free ladder to elope. I was only half joking. She didn't take me up on the offer and the resulting wedding cost me close to $50K, which was beyond insane for a one-day party. At least they are still married and the union produced two grandchildren who we love dearly.

 

[audreyh1]

That’s not eloping.

 

[audreyh1]

A couple recently went "viral" as they spent only $500 on their wedding. A $47 wedding dress, free location by a highway, guests paid for their own food and drinks:

https://abcnews.go.com/GMA/Style/bride-viral-47-wedding-dress-tying-knot-500/story?id=84144316

It makes sense to me. It is their choice for not wanting to get into debt before their marriage. Their family and friends knew of their plans so it was not a surprise to anyone attending.

Edited to add: the article states the current average cost for a wedding in the U.S. is $30K.

Ha ha ha. We paid less than $500. The free venue was our home. Judge. Immediate family. Dinner was regular seating at a restaurant. Nice small cake from bakery.

OK, that was over 30 years ago, but still!

 

[Rambler]

When I told my daughter her budget back in 2011, she flipped out and said she wanted double, or more. I told her no, but whatever you save out of this amount, you get to keep. Guess what? They spent half of their budget, and used the rest as necessary as they were building their own lives. They still had a couple hundred people, but it was a very nice garden party instead of a sit-down 5 course meal, etc. The bottom line is that inviting 125, or more, people does not a wedding make. It is two people at the alter making their vows and professing their love for each other, hopefully at least in the presence of close family, but even if not, that is the important part. I applaud their decision to keep it simple, but then again, I’d suggest 10 people locally, and only 2 go to Italy, and maybe a small/simple party for the extended group of friends and family later.

 

[SecondAttempt]

i'd vote for what the bride and groom want to do.

+ 1,000,000!

 

[SecondAttempt]

A couple recently went "viral" as they spent only $500 on their wedding. A $47 wedding dress, free location by a highway, guests paid for their own food and drinks:

https://abcnews.go.com/GMA/Style/bride-viral-47-wedding-dress-tying-knot-500/story?id=84144316

It makes sense to me. It is their choice for not wanting to get into debt before their marriage. Their family and friends knew of their plans so it was not a surprise to anyone attending.

Edited to add: the article states the current average cost for a wedding in the U.S. is $30K.

When I got married in 1994 we spent less than $300 on a party in a park with about 60 friends. Weather rolled in so we finished at our house. A judge had done the legal part the night before and there was a nice dinner with a much smaller group that probably cost about the same.

I don't understand big weddings. But I'm divorced so my vote probably does not count!

 

[RobbieB]

My first wedding was very small. Chapel of the Fountain conveniently located in Circus-Circus Las Vegas, NV.

We're getting married, you're all invited, rent your own rooms and buy your own airplane rides.

Her family attended (west coast)

After we had a reception at my folks house (detroit)

Ma wanted to see the marriage cert before we slept together in her house -

Oh and even though I'm the BTD hero, the whole wedding thing (chapel, flowers, minister, pictures (not many) and an audio cassette of the vows) cost $180.

Yeah Baby!

I didn't get to be a millionaire by spending a lot of dough. Especially when I didn't have any -

 

[Koolau]

My first wedding was very small. Chapel of the Fountain conveniently located in Circus-Circus Las Vegas, NV.

We're getting married, you're all invited, rent your own rooms and buy your own airplane rides.

Her family attended (west coast)

After we had a reception at my folks house (detroit)

Ma wanted to see the marriage cert before we slept together in her house -

Oh and even though I'm the BTD hero, the whole wedding thing (chapel, flowers, minister, pictures (not many) and an audio cassette of the vows) cost $180.

Yeah Baby!

I didn't get to be a millionaire by spending a lot of dough. Especially when I didn't have any -

Now, let me guess. You won back the cost of the whole thing at the tables.

 

[erkevin]

DW and I got hitched in Vegas in 1993. DS was 26 days old. Didn't see Elvis that day. DD is getting married in November. They already bought a house. Both make close to 6 figures. DW and I are shelling out about 25k for the November nuptials.

We got married in Vegas in 1992.

 

[Rianne]

Agree 110%! My niece and DN had it all. Big wedding, 200 guests, fairytale reception. After 3 years on the verge of divorce. The focus was on the wedding for at least a year before the event and all the trimmings. They were 21 years old and immature IMHO.

If the option was presented to them in a way that they had choices. Suggestions to use the money responsibly. The wedding day is a day. I understand having a get-together with close family and friends. But 50& of the guests were people they rarely see or know for that matter.

The option of a dollar value that one day put into reality may have changed their minds. Focus on the future. Realize they had different values. The discussion would have brought to light how different they are. So different. And now they're paying the price.