Financial Obligations as a Parent

[HighRoller]

To me the obligation ends at 18 but I think most parents (including me) have gone well beyond that. Depends on the kid, parents and situation.

 

[NC 57]

Parental Financial Obligation

A, B, D

We paid undergraduate college tuition but required our daughter to work during college to cover some of the cost. She paid 100% of her graduate school education (working and loans). She still lives at home (age 27) but pays 25% of her net income from her full time and part time job as rent/board. Fortunately she is thrifty and is socking away as much as she can after her other expenses (auto, clothing, incidentals). Unfortunately she works for the county government at very low pay but loves her job. DW wants her out now. I say she must be out by age 30.

 

[Gatordoc50]

We paid for college and cars because we could afford to do so not because we felt obligated. Both doing well but I still pay for auto insurance and phone. We've told them that when they get a new car that they are to purchase insurance for themselves. I have a feeling that my son will be driving the car I gave him for a long long time! Damn Toyotas!

 

[Sesq]

When I was 18 my Dad said he'd pay for my education through PhD if I wanted, but the spigot turns off if I get married, since at that moment I have declared and formed my own family. Wasn't really an issue given my dating history in college.

I wound up taking him up on it through college and one more year for a masters. As with all my siblings we also had the carrot of a new econo-car (with some string, 4 doors for safety) and a year of insurance on graduation. They didn't pay for my wedding, but their gift wasn't far from the cost and very generous.

I'll probably do the same, but it isn't an obligation past A. My wife had help with her undergrad, and I paid off her grad school loans when we got married.

Special needs kids are a whole nother ballgame.

If my kids had a crash and burn divorce, had kids too early, etc I am sure I'd provide some rent-free living for a good stretch. Probably the same coming out of college, with more strings to help them launch.

 

[SJ1_]

Where do the financial obligations of a parent end?

A) age of majority/high school
B) college tuition
C) until they get married
D) help with down payment on first home
E) forever
F) help as much as possible
G) other

This will probably be a loaded topic but I'd like to hear what everyone has to say and their rationale. I've only begun to think about this so my stance is pliable.

Like my signature says, I've decided to work until 42 for the kids education. Kids will be financially set with no student loans to saddle them. I think I've done my part as a parent....or have I?

B - That was a lot of $$$$ ( just for the college we put money away for 8 years)

I know a lot of E's I know this girl who still give $$ to her children even though 2 of the 3 make more than her!

 

[Donzo]

I have 2 in college now. They are doing very good in grades and no trouble. They just both got home for the summer....the house is quite lively now!
I am paying for their college and if they want to live here after graduating to get their legs - it will be rent free. If they move somewhere else I may help to get them situated (first/last etc) but after that it will be on a case by case basis.
I am very fortunate to have motivated and loving kids. They add so much to my life. I can't think of any better investment.

I do plan to still pay for family vacations in the future. They get to the resort (like San Diego) and I pay for the rooms and most of the meals. My father did this a few times at the Hotel Del Coranado and it is a wonderful family memory for me my DW and both kids.

 

[Apex1]

My parents (most definitely LBYMers to the max) provided full university education to both my brother and sister. Noone got cars. Most of my education was paid with scholarships/fellowship/research grants, yet I still graduated with 100k in student debt. I have no ill feelings though as I would like to think that my investable assets have surpassed my parents before my mid-30’s. In fact, I have given back a handsome yearly amount to my folks since I began work at 26 (they really don’t need it, but I think it’s a good thank you gesture for all they’ve done for us, maybe even an olden day cultural thing; mom says she’s giving it back to me in her will but I tell her to go ahead, treat yourself, and enjoy life and of course its hard to…. being LBYM her whole life!!).

Anyways, I have only begun to think where my financial responsibilities are with my own kids now and what age I will work to provide for that. I will make sense of all your responses in time. Thank again to everyone who contributed to my thread! I’m still a newbie around here but this is an awesome forum. Where else can I can get the collective wisdom of so many smart people who have “been there and done that”??

 

[FUEGO]

Put me down as a "B", with the caveat that they will also receive what will probably be a sizable estate upon the demise of the wife and I.

 

[FinanceDude]

Well, if I want to be a smart ass I would simply say: "Never"..........

My 2 sons are very different, the older one thinks money grows on trees, and the younger one won't spend money no matter what. Maybe I'll have the young one tutor his older brother in FIRE...........

 

[jasg]

My parents chose B), undergrad only and no spending money. I felt very fortunate.

I have no children, but experience with 2 of my 3 step kids is G) - especially after a divorce for one and mental illness/disability for another.

A wise friend says it is unimportant when kids move out of the house - but time to celebrate when they move out of your wallet...

 

[Sun456]

I don't have kids but my siblings and I got A.

 

[gardenfun]

Thinking back to how my parents and their siblings were raised, how my siblings and I were brought up, how my siblings did with their children and how we raised ours, my conclusions are

1) parenting is difficult
2) there is no right answer or best way
3) it's very easy to be critical of others
4) how they turn out may not have that much to do with how children are brought up

+1 Michael!

 

[ERhoosier]

I don't have any kids, but my parents always said that once I graduated from college, I would be on my own. And they followed through on that promise. The last time I received any kind of financial support from my parents was when I was 22.

That's how DW & me were both raised- & it worked out pretty well for us too (IMHO, of course ).

Not sayin' you should abandon an adult child, but philosophically speaking having a defined time to financially 'leave the nest' seems a logical progression in reaching maturity.

 

[Backpacker]

We are covering what they cant get in student loans. Tried twice with DD and failed to launch. As far as C - F that would very much depend on the child. I am much more inclined to help out when my advice is taken.

REminds me when my 18 year old wanted to shack up with his girlfriend and wanted me to foot the bill for first and last months rent. I did not agree with his choice and would not invest in his plan. Told him he was free to make his own choice at 18 but do NOT look to me to foot the bill.

I try to give all 5 kids the same opportunity - whether or not they take advantage of it is their choice.

 

[rodi]

B with a safety net...

My parents offered me the option to pay for college (undergrad) as follows:
- Major that led to a career.
- Cal State or UC school (we lived in CA). No private school.
- B average or better. Grades dip to a C average and I was on probation with Dad for the next semester... 2nd semester of bad grades would have ended the spigot. (I only had one bad semester - but had medical issues that semester too... that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.)
- Support at a bare poverty level (ramen noodles were my friend) - if I wanted spending money I had to get a part time job.

I plan on offering the same deal.

I was not given a car - but my dad helped me shop for a motorcycle (all I could afford). Good decision for me since it was cheaper to run and cheaper to insure. But then again my medical issues (mentioned above) was due to a crash that blew out my knee and had me in a cast for the entire semester.

We've told the kids we'll match them on $1 for $1 on their first car. And while they're in highschool/college we'll pay HALF of their insurance. We want them vested in their vehicles so they don't crash them.

I will loan money for a downpayment on a house if the kid is credit worthy. I will match the bank rate. My dad did this for me - I paid back the downpayment, with interest, in less than 5 years. My brother borrowed and never paid back... he lost access to the "bank of Dad".

I will contribute some to a wedding... but will encourage small weddings. My wedding was perfect - and very small. We spent $3500 including the honeymoon. No invitations to work friends of my parents... only closest friends and family. I have boys - so I don't foresee forking out $10's of thousands.

The big thing is to have them graduate (if they choose to go to college) with a useful degree and no debt.

 

[sengsational]

My deal was a 4 year public university degree and a car. But DD1 wanted to go to a high-dollar school, so her deal is a 4 year private university degree, no car, and a "car payment" (student loans)!!. DD2 is off to public university in the fall. The car will come for her when it's clear that graduation is very likely. I feel, though, that I'll need to loan DD1 the money to buy a car, whereas DD2 will have it free and clear.

 

[padlin00]

Me... Paid for tuition and supplies through 4 year college. Encouraged them to live on campus but the board was theirs to handle.

Wife... Gifts are almost 10% of our spending, I won't call it a budget. We're now paying for diapers for #5 grandkiddy, no idea why, the kids make more them we do.

 

[scrinch]

1) parenting is difficult
2) there is no right answer or best way
3) it's very easy to be critical of others
4) how they turn out may not have that much to do with how children are brought up

Exactly! You roll the dice, work hard with the numbers that come up, and see what happens!

To my mind, the true obligation is through high school, although LOL! makes a good case that even that could be squeezed down a little for the true LBYM'ers. We have chosen to fund through college, with a chunk of money to help with a good used car as a graduation present. DD1 just got engaged last week, so we will have a discussion about who pays how much for the wedding soon. I expect we will pay somewhere between half and all, with a hard upper limit (nothing p*sses me off like scope creep, especially when implemented as a strategy). Beyond that we will probably help out a little now and then if the need arises and seems legit.

 

[Independent]

Thinking back to how my parents and their siblings were raised, how my siblings and I were brought up, how my siblings did with their children and how we raised ours, my conclusions are

1) parenting is difficult
2) there is no right answer or best way
3) it's very easy to be critical of others
4) how they turn out may not have that much to do with how children are brought up

Right.

Our plan was college plus a wedding gift. Then real life happened.

 

[Sue J]

We supported our sons through 4 year state colleges until graduation and then after that they paid us a contribution to the household if they lived at home. For the older son it was percentage of his income, I think it was 30% of his take home pay. Then he started making so much that we put a cap on it!

We gave our younger son a car.... my 15 year old Toyota Camry when I bought a new used one. Didn't feel obligated to supply him a car, but it ran well and had low mileage so we kept it in the family.

Our own parents supported us until our marriage in our senior year of college. We covered the remaining college costs. My Dad offered to match our savings for a down payment on our house but we had saved more than he had expected so he helped us along. And he paid for our wedding, which I think was $3000 in 1976. Is that possible?? These are things they wanted to do and they had the money.

No weddings in the foreseeable future with our sons but I'd like to be able to contribute something when the time comes. Or if one of them buys a house, I'd like to pass along the help that we were given. It might not be as much as my Dad gave us since DH is retired but we would contribute something. They are 26 and almost 29 and I don't feel obligated to contribute, but I would be pleased to be able to do it.

 

[CH]

...But their is ONE thing we will never do, no matter the situation. We will NEVER co-sign anything for them. We have more than a few friends who have done this and not realizing it obligated them as well

Ah, why would anyone think the lender would want them to co-sign if it did not obligate them? I don't get that one!

 

[FreeAtLast]

You have to help as much as you can to get them off to a good start in life. Every situation is different.

 

[RunningBum]

A is the only obligation. Everything else has been based on my ability to do more, wanting to further his opportunities (mostly education), rewards for things well done and for managing finances well, my wanting to pass on some of my good fortune while I'm alive to see him make use of it, and so on. I'm glad I've been able to do a lot for him but none beyond A was an obligation. And there have been things I haven't done or only did as a loan that had to be repaid, to learn lessons and not take things for granted. I agree with the post above, each situation is unique.

 

[jollystomper]

Ah, why would anyone think the lender would want them to co-sign if it did not obligate them? I don't get that one!

You would be shocked at how many folks don't realize it puts them under the same obligation. Most see it as "helping out" and don't evaluate what might happen if their child doesn't keep their commitment. In my personal life I've seen it happen most often with cars; the child wants an expensive car for "show" instead of a cheap functional one for practicality, and the parents think they are co-signing just to show the child has a "good family background".

 

[Badger]

I was given the opportunity to attend college but NEVER thought that it was my parents obligation. That ended once I turned 18. After that it was MY responsibility to apply what I had been taught growing up. If they had done a good job raising me and if I had paid attention to what they could teach me then they had fulfilled their obligations. I always felt they had given me everything I needed, much of what I wanted, and more than I probably deserved.

That being said I was helped with my first house with a loan of $6k which was paid back with the same interest they were making on the money. The interest was much less than what I would get at a bank and the payments were small. I thought that was only fair since this was money for which they sacrificed through the years for their retirement.

All of this helped me take charge of my own destiny instead of taking on an entitlement attitude or expecting someone to bail me out of problems. There have been some financially rough times over the years and they were always there with guidance while I found my own way. It will always be a source of pride and satisfaction that I have been able to financially make it on my own. I'm grateful for being given the chance for that opportunity. Wise folks those two.

Cheers!