Friends and family can’t relate

[CaliKid]

Speaking of frugal living... that was a big part of my being able to retire at age 55.

Over the decades I knew her, from time to time I would share my frugal tips with one
of my coworker friends. She would ridicule me and continued to live beyond her means.

Today, I've been happily retired for 11 years with my nest egg still growing and she is
flat broke and has recently declared bankruptcy.

That's awesome! You did good! People like their friends/family to live moderately but not tell them about how they too can save money by living frugally. It's a fine line. You can't show off your wealth but you also might bore people telling people how cheap you are. Lol. Can't talk politics, religion, money, and the list goes on. How's the weather today?

 

[Helena]

We do not discuss our situation with anyone. Living in a +55 community, it is assumed you are retired, as are most of the people here.
For the past few years, I have been giving part of my RMD to our 4 sons on their birthdays. In the note I include with the check, they are told that all 4 get the same amount.
Since SS and our pensions cover about 8/0% of our expenses, my IRA has been growing.to a point where I cannot spend it all But nobody knows this. I told our sons I would rather give them the money now when they have growing families, then wait until they inherit it.

Good plan.

My only child died young, so my heir will be among my siblings' children. There are four of them, but only two of them have families and only one of those two is successful at life and handling money. So far, that one is the only one mentioned in my will.

 

[24601NoMore]

Similar experiences..some family members know about my plan to RE, but recently asked me in front of pretty much the whole family (25+ people) about it..got a lot of really weird looks. Not a comfortable moment.

Very good / best friend of mine is 62 and has said he needs to work to 65 at least. I've tried to offer advice on how to build up a retirement income stream, what to watch for in fees that he might be paying his "person" (Ameriprise, so he's getting S-C-R-E-W-E-D), etc and he just plain does not. want. to. talk. about. it. I've long thought that's because there's some natural jealousy involved but it's frustrating to not even be able to comfortably discuss such a major life decision with your very best friends and family..

 

[RobbieB]

My friends had no problem with my retirement or discussing same. Some are retired too, others soon.

My family is dead, so not much to talk about there.

My co-workers were amazed and somewhat envious me thinks, but I haven't spoken with those guys in 2 years.

 

[Conundrum]

I talk to nobody about it in person. Only place is on here where I have a measure of anonymity and gain more knowledge.

I just want to be plain ol’ me flying under the radar.

 

[aja8888]

I talk to nobody about it in person. Only place is on here where I have a measure of anonymity and gain more knowledge.

I just want to be plain ol’ me flying under the radar.

That sums it up for me too.

 

[Hermit]

Everyone knows I am retired and building my own house. If retirement comes up in casual conversation, I just say that it does not matter how much or how little work I accomplish, the paycheck is always the same! I don't think I have ever been asked where the money comes from.

The only people I discuss the concept of FI with are my kids and that is usually just to encourage a healthy retirement savings. They do know that I am well off and got that way by saving money while working.

 

[Dtail]

I don't hide that I am retired, but try to stay away from any financial talk, plus most of the working age folks I know in FLA use FA's for their advice and don't wish to hear there are alternate DIY concepts.

 

[kimcdougc]

After 3 years of retirement DH and I have learned not to talk too much about being fired around anyone but each other (and here of course). Just easier. People only care about themselves and their future. They don't want to do what it takes to get there.

 

[ncbill]

After 3 years of retirement DH and I have learned not to talk too much about being fired around anyone but each other (and here of course). Just easier. People only care about themselves and their future. They don't want to do what it takes to get there.

+1000

Nobody's business but mine what I do with myself all day

They're not paying me, after all.

 

[ivinsfan]

Not quite sure why you feel the need to talk about it to people who have expressed a complete lack of interest, (perhaps your friends/family perceive it as bragging?).

If your numbers work...I'd say do it...but don't discuss it.

This..are you evangelizing for people to join you? Talking about it even when you can tell people aren't interested? Acting like your way is the only way, or perhaps as though you discovered fire(literally)..

I liken this to talking to people about your grandchildren. know your audience, be aware of running on to the point of boredom, act like you care about their grandkids too...when people look away or their eyes glaze over ,.. move on to talking about the weather.

 

[ef2025]

rlhendren, I can relate!

I am 33 and I am already thinking about FIRE. But it can be difficult talking to someone who has a very different mindset. Even my bf, who said he sometimes just stop listening when I talk about FIRE, lol. I am searching the forum right now on how I could get him on board and excited so we could do it together .

I think that's why this forum is so important because we would be your ears and would feel excited for you since we all share the same goals!

 

[HI Bill]

True friends and relatives should be proud that you have had personal success and lived below your means long enough to obtain financial independence. There should be no hint of jealousy.

Most people who live at or above their means just can't comprehend living below your means. The liberal press likes to villify the 'rich' and gives no credit to those who get a good education (choosing a major that has the potential to pay back student loans), work really hard and productively, save and invest, forego fancy cars, houses and vacations, and then manage to retire at 50....they don't get the cost of living beyond one's means, or think that we start out rich (certainly, some do). Sorry, I think I'm about to go on an Ayn Rand rant....maybe it's too late!

 

[Lienlord]

Agreed. For most of us, it was a series of decisions, stretching back many years, that got us to this point. So unless you're talking to someone much younger, you're describing the path not taken and only calling to mind the decisions that lead them to where they are (NOT RE'd)!
I too find it frustrating that we can't/don't share with friends or family much about our FIRE journey. So we're the quiet "Millionaire Next Door" that nobody suspects has the assets that we do. But great to have this forum to share our journey with like-minded folk!

 

[brett]

We keep our finances and our financial plans to ourselves. Cannot imagine that anyone, including our relatives, are particularly interested in them.

So we never mention our financial position nor do we answer any direct questions from folks who would like to know. We find this approach so much easier. It is easy for me since I was raised in this fashion. It can get interesting. We sold our home and traveled for seven months. Then came back, rented, and traveled internationally for 5-6 months each year for four years. A few of them asked if we had to rent because we spent our home equity on travel. The question got answered when we purchased anew home in year 5.

 

[Scuba]

Everyone we know is aware that we’re retired. We don’t make a big deal out of it, except we did have a retirement party shortly after our last day of work. Many older friends are already retired, and were mildly surprised that we retired “so young” but haven’t asked many questions. We do travel and eat out a lot, but we drive 12 year old cars and don’t live a flashy lifestyle so most people just accepted our retirement without a lot of prying questions. We did hear a rumor that someone said we inherited a lot of money. Whatever they want to believe is fine with us. If someone asks for financial advice, we’ll share general thoughts such as LBYM and investing well, but our numbers and specific details are only shared with our CPA and Fidelity advisor.

 

[Popeye]

The first rule of Fight Club is, You do not talk about Fight Club...

 

[DrRoy]

You found us. You can discuss it here all you want.

+1. I never felt like I could discuss any details of my situation with others. I did become known around w*rk as financially knowledgeable, and a few people asked me for guidance on investing. Of the ones that I saw their actual numbers, my NW was 12-60X higher. I did not think it would be good for that to be known. They do know that I RE'd at 57.

 

[ponyboy]

Like someone else said...if someone isnt interested about talking finances then the conversation is simply straight up boring. There will be those who are jealous and will say negative comments.

Either way...why would anyone want to discuss their finances with anyone? It never works out well when you tell someone what you're worth, that you're retiring, that you're buying a brand new car, etc etc. Those are the same people that like to brag to their freinds at starbucks.

 

[AS2019]

Points well taken. I appreciate the comments. To be clear though, I meant that these are my best friends and closest family members, and I can’t discuss something that is important to me. They get to talk about whatever they want, whatever interests them, and I listen, even if I’m only pretending to be interested. But when the situation is reversed, they don’t want to hear about something that’s important to me. But I guess that’s just the way it is and I need to accept it and move on. I’ll just shut up about it hahaha.

 

[ivinsfan]

Money, religion and politics the third rails among many family members. Money might be the trickiest of all.

Give the topic of ER a break for awhile and if it enters the conversation normally go for it.

 

[Dawg52]

When you hate your job, it's easy to get obsessed with ER and finances. I mentioned it a little to friends but tried not to over do it because I knew most were nowhere near retirement. As others have said, the best places to discuss the subject is here and finance boards. We won't give you any grieve. Because most of us hated working too!

 

[ugeauxgirl]

Points well taken. I appreciate the comments. To be clear though, I meant that these are my best friends and closest family members, and I can’t discuss something that is important to me. They get to talk about whatever they want, whatever interests them, and I listen, even if I’m only pretending to be interested. But when the situation is reversed, they don’t want to hear about something that’s important to me. But I guess that’s just the way it is and I need to accept it and move on. I’ll just shut up about it hahaha.

I completely agree. My family has made fun of me for years for being cheap and was stunned and almost angry when i told them I was going to retire early- even my sister who is a SAHM was shocked and insistent that I not quit. They kept thinking of ways for me to keep working- part time- consulting, etc. So I can't talk to them about it, and I have a real need to talk about it. At the moment, it is my most important- and closest goal. This is why I'm here. When I want to bounce ideas off of someone, this is the ONLY place to do it.

 

[mrWinter]

A large portion of my mental activity revolves around setting myself up for RE.

I hear you, I spend way too much time on these boards and fantasizing about ER, but with two toddlers at home I don't get to do anything other than fantasize anymore, no big exciting trips, no world travel, no fun new hobbies. Instead I have this on my mind all the time and it's frustrating to not have any IRL friends I talk to interested in it either.

My wife has told me I talk to my friends about money too much, maybe she's right, but I told her I have a rule to never bring it up unless I'm talking to someone I know has lots more than I do. But even with them it's probably best to broach the subject just once and then let it lie, if they are interested in talking more about they can bring it up next time.

I think Airedes has a good point:

Let's pretend it's not ER and finances, but say, running. Runners love to talk about running. People who don't run don't care and don't want to hear about it. It's totally boring to anyone that doesn't run. PRs, pronation, newest shoes, new routes, that new gel for long runs - if you don't run you don't care. If you do, you know better than to talk about running with non-runner friends. Or you learn very quickly, hopefully.

So, this is like talking about running but also saddled with finances and competition and economic one-up-man-ship (which is inherent in most anything to do with money), so even more reasonable to avoid.

It's hard to even find out if others like 'running' in a polite way though.

 

[Tallman4123]

My rule regarding discussing FIRE with family, friends or complete strangers: Speak only when spoken to (and let others determine the depth of the conversation).

I break this rule rarely and only where it involves my children; towards whom I feel a sense of obligation to educate.