Friends and family can’t relate

[Amethyst]

Some members of my family are the exact opposite. Despite it being none of their beeswax, some keep asking me when I'm going to finally retire for real (they know I work 2 days a week). Geez, you'd think I was 70 and slaving away in a sweatshop, instead of "consulting" [=doing what I like, taking off whenever I want] for decent money.

Other than a few nosy questions, though, I don't run into many problems with "can't talk about anything." That is because there is so much, in a long life, to talk about. There are so many, many topics for discussion that have nothing to do with politics, religion, money, and what people do for a living. What about pets, gardens, art, music, theater, history, hobbies of all kinds, the outdoors, mechanical things, chemistry, health, fitness, psychology....

I completely agree. My family has made fun of me for years for being cheap and was stunned and almost angry when i told them I was going to retire early- even my sister who is a SAHM was shocked and insistent that I not quit. They kept thinking of ways for me to keep working- part time- consulting, etc. So I can't talk to them about it, and I have a real need to talk about it. At the moment, it is my most important- and closest goal. This is why I'm here. When I want to bounce ideas off of someone, this is the ONLY place to do it.

 

[Mdlerth]

Limit your conversation to sex

Money, religion and politics the third rails among many family members. Money might be the trickiest of all.

Give the topic of ER a break for awhile...

Roger this.

We live in a crazy, hypersensitive era filled with hidden tripwires. Topics that were safe even twenty years ago aren't safe today. Don't mention finances to anybody other than here or to a financial professional whose job requires it.

 

[goingtotravel]

We have one group of family that is very successful and could FIRE at any time and they never talk about money. We have another group of family members who are very irresponsible financially and will never be able to retire at all. Neither group talks about money much, except the second group, to complain they will never be able to retire. We just keep our mouths shut. Keeps the peace and prevents people looking for a hand out from us too.

 

[scrabbler1]

I talk to nobody about it in person. Only place is on here where I have a measure of anonymity and gain more knowledge.

I just want to be plain ol’ me flying under the radar.

After 10 years, this is pretty much how I handle it. Those who know me well enough already know and have known for years. I don't know a lot of people, keep mostly to myself, so I don't get many opportunities to tell others any more.

 

[ER Eddie]

I guess I'm different than a lot of people here. I don't mind talking about my financial situation to other people -- at least to others that I know and trust. I don't go into specific details, but I don't avoid the subject, either. It's a source of joy to me (my financial situation and the freedom it affords), so I like to sneak mention of it in, every once in a while. I tell people I've got enough money to never have to work again, or I tell them I have "f*ck you" money, or I talk about how it gives me the freedom not to fear disapproval from the boss, or I just use it as a way to explain my future plans. FI is a big part of my life, and I'm not going to avoid talking about it just because other people might be upset or offended. I use judgment in who to tell, of course.

 

[ExFlyBoy5]

I talk to nobody about it in person. Only place is on here where I have a measure of anonymity and gain more knowledge.

I just want to be plain ol’ me flying under the radar.

After 10 years, this is pretty much how I handle it. Those who know me well enough already know and have known for years. I don't know a lot of people, keep mostly to myself, so I don't get many opportunities to tell others any more.

+1 on these thoughts. Most of the folks I deal with often already know (and it's not really talked about) and those that I meet...well, it's none of their business.

I am definitely of the "stealth wealth" mentality.

 

[timo2]

Money is one of those things that you are darned if you do, darned if you don't. DW and I retired on a modest income that will be heavy on SS in our later years. But other members of my family see being retired as 'rich' and thus are trying to get our last remaining parent to give them more money now because they 'need it' and we don't.

 

[amealy]

Somebody famous has a quote about good human relationship skills mean always making others feel important. Talking about ER to people who can't can have the opposite effect of making them feel important so in my experience it is a tread carefully kind of topic:

Love it!!

 

[Lukeee]

Of the 75- 100+ people I’ve know over the years that have retired, only 2 retired early by choice. 1 was forced into retirement then realized he was okay financially. The common consensus was the 2 were lucky (I attribute it to planning). You hear the typical gossip of coming into a windfall or the bet that xxx will be back working in a few years.

The shocking part was a shared company retirement stat a decade or so ago where 35%+ did not contribute to 401K at this megacorp and something like 15% only contributed the minimum to get the company match. That probably means that 50% will never be on track to an early retirement even if they wanted to.

For the record, I’ve only mentioned ER to my BIL and he did ask what I was going to do with all that extra time. He wasn’t jealous or close minded.

 

[Hermit]

There does come a point in one's life where having someone close included in the financial situation is needed. In my case, as a single person (and somewhat a Hermit ) and approaching 70 all too rapidly, it was time to open the books with my DD and now that includes her husband. DD basically has the keys to my life if the need arises, along with POAs both financial and medical. Fortunately, they are LBYMers and can relate. They have my full faith and confidence and do not violate that trust. It seems this point in time has come all too quickly and does require some thought about someone in your life that you feel confident in sharing your financial details with and when the right time will be to act upon that decision.

 

[H2ODude]

Interesting topic. Generally avoid it with all except a few close friends who are known to be of similar mindset (and circumstances). Attaining FI was always my goal but RE not so much, until it did. So we overshot the RE needs by a good bit. Neighbors and most friends have no idea how comfortable we are.

I get the need to discuss it with somebody. DW is just not interested in the subject and I've tried to get her there in case I check out before. DS has parallel interests and we talk about it sometimes.

Politics, religion, sex, and money are all pretty sensitive topics that one better know your audience if you're going to enter into them. Sex is the only one I don't have an audience for. Well, except for DW.

 

[Andre1969]

There's really only one or two people, in the "real world" I talk to about early retirement, mainly because most just wouldn't get it. Plus, I notice people complaining more and more about their lot in life. Big bills, being in debt, job problems, and so on, and as time has gone by, they're still in the same spot financially, while I've moved onward and upward.

So to talk to these people about early retirement just wouldn't be productive. It would just make them resentful of me, I'm afraid. Actually, about 5 years ago, I had a friend, where in a momentarily lapse of judgement, had an "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" moment. He was a few years older than me, easily made over twice what I did, in salary, and had a bit of a "limousine liberal" attitude about him (i.e., complain about how low minimum wage is, and the go out and hire some illegal aliens in the parking lot to do some yard work for him under the table).

Well, at that point I probably had about 2.5X more saved up than he did. He actually seemed to get a bit offended, and I could tell it changed the friendship. Now, this guy would also take 2-3week vacations to exotic locales, and paid $430K, about 10 years ago, for what is essentially a basement in Washington DC, so his money simply went toward other things.

Anyway, one of my other friends, whom I still talk with about retirement, and finance, is a teacher. He says he thinks he'll be working until well into his 70's....BUT by choice. He does whine, sometimes, about his pension that maxes out at 54%, but I think he's eligible for it when he's in his mid-50's. Plus, he'll get SS on top of that. I've tried telling him to keep in mind that once he's getting his pension, he won't be paying into SS, and he won't be paying INTO his retirement. So his take home might not be that much worse than it is now, and he should at least have some nest egg to off-set it.

He's one of those types though, that I think falls into the mentality of when you retire, you cut yourself off from interacting with people, your mind starts to rot from lack of stimulation, and all that. Hell, I think my mind is already rotting, from the daily workday rut! But, I think he worries about that happening to me.

 

[Taxman59]

Politics, religion, sex, and money are all pretty sensitive topics that one better know your audience if you're going to enter into them. Sex is the only one I don't have an audience for. Well, except for DW.

 

[redduck]

Most people who live at or above their means just can't comprehend living below your means. The liberal press likes to villify the 'rich' and gives no credit to those who get a good education (choosing a major that has the potential to pay back student loans
Sorry, I think I'm about to go on an Ayn Rand rant....maybe it's too late!

Ah, really? No need to bring politics into this.

 

[flintnational]

Kris Kristofferson from the song "To beat the Devil".

"If you waste your time a talking
To the people who don't listen
To the things that you are saying
Who do you thinks gonna hear?
And if you should die explaining how
The things that they complain about
Are things they could be changing
Who do you thinks gonna care?"

 

[rwdflynavy]

I just retired from the Navy and work in general, except maybe some fun part time gigs. One of my cousins remarked on my retirement facebook post that they were jealous I got to retire so early (49). This same cousin just bought a vacation home on a lake...I didn't say anything....

 

[Amethyst]

Well, I think most people know military can retire at 20 years, whereas others have to wait longer (so why not buy a vacation home in the meantime?)

Also, some people (I don't know about this one) use "jealous" as a way of giving a compliment without sounding gushy. For example, a woman could tell another woman, "I'm jealous of your beautiful hair," or nice figure, or whatever. Nothing but a friendly compliment.

So some people might just mean "Wow, retired at <50 from the Navy, that is really nice for you" without anything else implied. I don't know, just thinking out loud.

I just retired from the Navy and work in general, except maybe some fun part time gigs. One of my cousins remarked on my retirement facebook post that they were jealous I got to retire so early (49). This same cousin just bought a vacation home on a lake...I didn't say anything....

 

[Lukeee]

I just retired from the Navy and work in general, except maybe some fun part time gigs. One of my cousins remarked on my retirement facebook post that they were jealous I got to retire so early (49). This same cousin just bought a vacation home on a lake...I didn't say anything....

You could offer to trade advise for lake home time

 

[hilltide]

Made the mistake of discussing with a few friends being debt free once we paid off the credit cards and vehicles. We were excited but there were was jealously with a few of our friends. We do not discuss our progress with anyone since that day.


Only my father knows we paid off the house. Like others have said when we FIRE I think we will still be doing some "consulting". Hopefully it is from the Boat and Golf Course.

 

[corn18]

I retired from the Navy after 20 years and had a negative net worth. Got a great job paying 1% money and my net worth went down even more. I was the antithesis of LBYM.

I was talking to my HR director about cars and he was getting ready to buy a new jeep as his 12 year old Jeep was going caput. He was going to buy a 5 year old Jeep because his goal was to be debt free by 30 and be able to retire early. I could not comprehend this mindset. Buy a new Jeep, you can afford it. Spend, spend, spend. Debt is not bad. Live a little. What a horrible life you must lead.

I read the millionaire next door, made some drastic changes and now have a 7 figure net worth and saving like crazy to RE @ 55 (if I want to). Now I get where he was coming from.

I am so glad I had met him and glad he shared his goals. While the immediate impact was negative, I will never forget him and what he was trying to do. I haven't seen him in a while but will in a few months. I'll bring up the topic and hopefully be able to share how he impacted my life.

 

[braumeister]

While the immediate impact was negative, I will never forget him and what he was trying to do.

Great story. Thanks for sharing that!

 

[Andre1969]

I was talking to my HR director about cars and he was getting ready to buy a new jeep as his 12 year old Jeep was going caput. He was going to buy a 5 year old Jeep because his goal was to be debt free by 30 and be able to retire early. I could not comprehend this mindset. Buy a new Jeep, you can afford it. Spend, spend, spend. Debt is not bad. Live a little. What a horrible life you must lead.

This reminds me of one of my co-workers, from once upon a time. At the time, I was driving my grandmother's '85 Buick LeSabre, which developed some very expensive emissions control problems, to the tune of about $1,000. I mentioned this to my co-worker, who I think was driving either a '97 Sebring convertible, or a '99 Jeep Grand Cherokee at the time, and he simply blurted out "you need to buy something new...life's too short to drive crap!"

Well, the 2-model-year difference in the cars I mentioned, should be an indication of where this guy's financial situation ultimately ended up...

I was in my late 20's at the time, so he was probably early 40's. But he was living like a trust fund baby. Alas, those things don't go on forever, and sometimes the financial spigots get turned off.

 

[Rosie]

Most people who live at or above their means just can't comprehend living below your means. The liberal press likes to villify the 'rich' and gives no credit to those who get a good education (choosing a major that has the potential to pay back student loans), work really hard and productively, save and invest, forego fancy cars, houses and vacations, and then manage to retire at 50....they don't get the cost of living beyond one's means, or think that we start out rich (certainly, some do). Sorry, I think I'm about to go on an Ayn Rand rant....maybe it's too late!

I am a liberal.

I had a good education (culminating in a PhD, thenkewverymuch), had a $#itload of jobs from jr high onward to pay for said education, paid back my student loans, worked damn hard and productively, saved and invested, drove cheap clunker cars, and had modest homes and took short inexpensive vacations.

And I retired at age 53.

I am deeply offended by your implication that liberals are lazy and careless with money.

I await your apology.

 

[HI Bill]

I am a liberal.

I had a good education (culminating in a PhD, thenkewverymuch), had a $#itload of jobs from jr high onward to pay for said education, paid back my student loans, worked damn hard and productively, saved and invested, drove cheap clunker cars, and had modest homes and took short inexpensive vacations.

And I retired at age 53.

I am deeply offended by your implication that liberals are lazy and careless with money.

I await your apology.

Dear Rosie - I apologize if I offended you, or any other unbiased liberal (or unbiased conservative). However, the more liberal press does what I stated they do. I never intimated that all liberals are lazy; I was referring to ultra-left liberal writers for the liberal-oriented press. I've read many, many financial articles bemoaning how lucky the rich are, and how unfair life is, and how the poor can't get ahead.

 

[bmcgonig]

Dear Rosie - I apologize if I offended you, or any other unbiased liberal (or unbiased conservative). However, the more liberal press does what I stated they do. I never intimated that all liberals are lazy; I was referring to ultra-left liberal writers for the liberal-oriented press. I've read many, many financial articles bemoaning how lucky the rich are, and how unfair life is, and how the poor can't get ahead.

And don't forget the ones from the other side insisting that the poor pull themselves up by their bootstraps.. Even if they ain't got no boots [emoji1]